Thursday, July 14, 2011

Dinosaur content!

My house is a fucking insane asylum right now. Two days ago I was told that my wife’s best friend from highschool would be coming to town. This, it turns out was only part of the story. The whole story goes something like this: She was coming to town Wednesday (yesterday) and bringing her husband and two kids and they were all staying here in our apartment, which is nice, but relatively small even for my own family of four and two dogs. Now that there are eight humans and two canines, shit’s pretty Chinese up in here (not because we’re gonna eat the dogs, just because of the crowding).

I slept in a room with my baby last night and she’s pretty chill, but she beeps and squeaks all night long and the results are not good for a person with my sensitive sleep habits. My bigger kid got up at six and (to borrow a phrase from the pornography industry) I’m bushed. I’ve had a whole pot of coffee and seen all the buttholes on Isanyoneup and it’s not even 8. The real dickpunch is that our guests, who are sleeping in my room, are still asleep even as my own children rove the halls and bathrooms like stray, screaming gremlins. My jealousy knows no bounds.

Today, I’ll go to the museum and show some kids some dinosaurs. Those little motherfuckers love them some dinosaurs, boy. It’s astounding how much kids give a shit about history when that history involves this entire planet being overrun with gigantic lizard/bird monsters. However, I don’t understand what the fascination is, or more to the point, why the fascination is ALWAYS dinosaurs. Don’t get me wrong, as a kid, dinosaurs were my favorite historical personages too. But why?

Let’s take my three year old kid as a case study. He loves dinosaurs. Some of his favorites are the T-rex, the spinosaurus and the stygimoloch (I know! What the fuck? They came out with new dinosaurs? How the fuck does that happen [Ugh…I know how it happens, so please, nerds with interests in paleontology and a lack of ability to understand rhetorical questions posed only for the sake of highlighting seeming absurdity, please stand down {funny, completely unrelated side note: we were on tour with American Steel and Rory was getting all pissy about the amount of guestlist spots that they were gonna have in their hometown of SF. We were splitting the spots right down the middle, as that’s where our record label is and we have lots of friends, but we dig that it’s home for them, so we gave them half the total spots even though we were technically ¾ of the show and the headliners and blah blah blah. Pretty nice, right? Well, Rory wasn’t having it and he was kind of throwing a fit, so Buttcheeks, American Steel’s guitarist, busted in and said “Rory, what don’t you understand? These are how many spots we get, and it’s fine” to which Rory replied, in an extremely loud and frustrated voice, “Ryan! Stand down!” Now, I’m no expert on interpersonal communication, but uh…’stand down’? That’s the kind of shit you say to an uppity slave or a misbehaving dog, not a peer. Needless to say, we died laughing and now tell each other to ‘stand down’ all the time}]).

I understand that the idea of dinosaurs is crazy. I mean if someone from space looked objectively at the earth in the context of galactic history, they would undoubtedly refer to it as “that one gigantic lizard planet that had those monkeys come out and destroy it right there at the end” and that kind of boggles the mind. We’re living in the remnants of a very successful society of lizards and that is an unusual reality to come to grips with.

But see, that’s because I’ve got a relatively huge amount of perspective when it comes to the expectations of what this planet is. My kid has no real notions about pandas or WWII memorabilia or a chimichanga or skeleton keys or a double rainbow or mushroom clouds or naked boobs or hockey or mazes or lobsters or France or anything and frankly I don’t understand why dinosaurs are the things that stuck so instantly. Couldn’t, theoretically, anything be that fascinating if you’ve never seen it before? Why is it always dinosaurs for these kids? I mean, I guess the easy answer is that there aren’t shows about mushroom clouds that are aimed at entertaining them, but there was a time when there weren’t shows about dinosaurs either. That developed in response to a groundswell of interest from the under-ten set. Pretty fucking weird, right? Right? No? Yes? Hellooooooo?

Oh, just stand down everyone. It’s gonna be a long day.

22 comments:

Westward The Wagons said...

Is there such thing as a "dino-lobby"? Like, maybe a bunch of paleontologists got together 30 some years ago and decided the best way to gain funding for research and what-not was to infiltrate kid's entertainment. I mean, the dino thing is definitely a phenomenon, but it's pretty recent right? Like, our grandaddies read The Shadow and adventure/mystery comics. And baby boomers were into martians and cowboys and Indians. So yeah, why dinosaurs now?

Robb said...

Stand down is also something I could picture Ed Harris, Howie Long, Sean Penn or Gordon Liddy saying to total strangers

Robb said...

Oh come on folks! It's funny because they're neurotic dickheads! ok. You peep that tyrese shit brendan? Course ya did.

dustyfloors said...

I loved dinosaurs as a kid too. The only exposure I can think of is Jurassic Park but I was already obsessed as fuck with dinosaurs before they dropped that movie.

Drunken Acorn said...

What was that TV show in the late 80's about a skateboarding Dino? I can't remember but I loved it. Oh and thanks for the idea about a mushroom cloud BK. I'm turning it into a TV show for kids and I'm making millions. Ha!

jbody said...

oh yeah acorn,,,,the one with the bipedal stegosaurs with the tude.....eeeeeh....the simpsons!

jbody said...

seriously tho,did bart register as human with any of you fucks as kids?knawme

Owner Operator said...

westward the wagons. i was here first. that is my picture. STAND DOWN!

Robb said...

acorn - Dino the Last Dinosaur. I vaguely remember an intro tune. But wasn't there also one with a cool dino that drove a convertible or something?

jbody said...

"Let them measure my anus and see if it's dilated"-priest and logic master Andres Garcia Torres

jbody said...

By "them" I believe he meant his very faaave fuuutball team!snaps!"yes all of them must see the undisturbed state of my stinkhole"...."at wounded kneeeee

boringdan said...

"Denver the Last Dinosaur, he's our friend and a whole lot more"

It's weird, as a kid I didn't pick up on the vague suggestion that the kids were all fucking the dinosaur.

Andrew Hudson said...

ill admit it its saturday and im on the net. shit. whats yuor dudes opinion on wine?? we got bulk where im from and its maybe better than beer im thinking right now. i cant be 100% sure though. I maxed on 6vbs the shortys and moved onto the cupboard which had a goon bag(you guys call it that? its a 4ltr box of wine? you guys use litres right?) anyway im tank topped and getting ready to go to my friends bday and im just curious of what you guys think? lame as it sounds, i get shaky for the hell of it/also whats you're opinion on elevators? dangerously stupid or conviently slow????vice versa?

Andrew Hudson said...

oh i forgot to say how good is the lawrence arms? dude, bman, everytime i put on my music and pretend im playing the songs live its always you over anyone. although sometimes i pretend im notoriousBIG cuz he is fucking sweeet.

Andrew Hudson said...

i got 2 hours to burn so here we go. abracadaver is so good dude. it reminds me of stealing beer from my dads esky. he'd be all like "hey, where'd my beer all go?" haha and my friends and I be like " you drunk it, mate!" hahaha good ol days. cruzin.........the falcon are sweet too.. i never ended up finding out the lineup, but i know from the album cover your init and that dude from that other krew. u guys are badass>--- thats the closest i could get to showing what an ass should look like on a keyboard. ill watch my fucking melf the day it gets a date haha fucking gold dude.

Andrew Hudson said...

i pushed my smoke early so i could leave my comment on this one: "the steam flew in my backyard relax, as i remember the words i was supposed to fax, i begin to relize the facts/ our memories melt like wax". Its tax time and i forgot to send it today:( oh well tomorrow will suffice (yew best word to use to sound smart) ps i use radius heaps aswell when describing how close i was in the pit.

Andrew Hudson said...

...ok dudes i gotta go for reals, i just wanna know Robby, how'd the fuck you get over 3000 views? i got like 200 and your only been here 2 months before me? that hurts guys..... ill leave on a good note though.. HIV is hard as shit to get in australia ive been a baddude lately and was in the freakin stage and got the doctor to work and we'll he says im fine but should wear more connies so moral of the story im pretty much gold in that department.

James said...

SHUT THE FUCK UP ANDY

p/s no we call them quallons

Robb said...

Well Andy, I was involved in a couple high profile controversial e-fightz on here way back plus I've been around a while plus I reload my own profile 40-70 times a day give or take, masturbating my 4" 'banana' penis each and every time. Right Kevin hahaha! On a similar note I (and I alone!...) have always wondered how Candice garnered..oh...37k profile viewz. Anyhow as James noted, that is quite enough from you, for a good while.

Robb said...

Oh didnt see the "two months before you" part. Ive been around since '08, near the beginning. Didnt comment for a few months though.
How bout that deathly hallows pt2 opening day? Record by 20 mil margin...insane

Candice said...

i wonder that too.

Andrew Hudson said...

Ohh... ok:( Sorry, guys.. For what its worth, I like all you. Seeya around then. I might move over on ifeelsicktomystomach just if you start to miss me and want to catch up. Bye.