Monday, July 18, 2011

Uh, dude?

Well, I had quite a weekend. It started out with a bang when I went into a walgreens and passed the pharmacist a note that said I had a bomb and needed a few bottles of Oxycontin or else I’d detonate said bomb. Then I caught a cab to the show, and right before Soundgarden busted into Rusty Cage (one of my all time favorite classic jams!) the pigs showed up and hauled my super wicked high ass to jail. Major anti-stokage bro.

That whole story is a bummer. For those of you who don’t know, the Level 9 elf that plays bass for Coheed and Cambria fell into the dank pits of despair that only watching Soundgarden every night can induce and subsequently went ahead and committed the very deeds outlined in the opening paragraph. I mean, seriously? I fucking HATE Soundgarden. What the fuck are they doing touring? They stink. They are the suckiest bunch of sucks to ever suck and if I was on tour with Soundgarden I’d probably figure out a way to get super high and then physically removed from the tour myself. In the context of having to hear a zillion dildos warbling along to Black Hole Sun every night for a month, threatening to blow a Walgreens back into the stone age if they don’t make with the oxys seems like a fairly reasonable thing to do.

I recently asked (via my favorite social media platform, twitter) if there was a worse band in the history of music than soundgarden, and the answers were many splendored, though the big winner was Audioslave. I don’t think I agree with that assessment though. Now, don’t get me wrong, I think Audioslave sucks. I think they’re terrible and have pretty unredeemable songs but I find audioslave to be about ten buhzillion times more palatable than Soundgarden. Here’s why: Audioslave is a complete fucking mess. On paper, they’re the worst idea of all time. It’s the irritating screecher from Soundgarden fronting the hopelessly dated electro-grunge-guitar-wank groove of rage against the machine. Terrible. On paper, Soundgarden is actually a kind of a good idea. They’re a cock rock missing link between Motley Crue and Nirvana. That’s got some serious potential, don’tcha think?

Well, sadly, instead of being raucous and full of swagger, turns out Soundgarden is pretty much the dreariest shit out there, topped with ridiculous howling and featuring the Kriss Angel of rock and roll up there just twisting around like such a punchable douche while the rest of those dudes...ugh. I don’t know. They don’t do shit. The whole thing sucks.

Audioslave fares a little better just because the expectations are SO AMAZINGLY LOW, and they’re so completely unremarkable that it doesn’t really offend beyond the general “who the fuck thought this was a good idea” knee jerk that pretty much everyone but your bald, bemulletted uncle that ‘still parties’ instantly has when confronted with the band’s concept.

Tom Morello plays some fairly interesting shit and generally, Cornell’s shrill bullshit is a toned down to the point where it’s just crappy rather than offensive. At this point, I’d like to restate that I’m not endorsing Audioslave here, merely pointing out that in the choice between douche and turd sandwich, I’ll take the turd sandwich, thank you very much.

But man, the dude from Coheed and Cambria must have thought that holding up a Walgreens was preferable to 1) not being able to take Oxycontin and 2) Telling his buddies that he was really, really interested in getting high. This kind of blew up all over his dick because number one is a crime and because of that everyone knows that he really likes getting high. So, uh, oops. Now you’re not high and you’re in jail. Bad combo.

Now, I’m no big city rockstar and I don’t know all that much about how to get drugs like that, but I gotta imagine that when you’re in a band that has a gold record there’s a slightly more convenient way to score than threatening to blow up the Walgreens. Ask the drum tech or the local promoter or that creep that’s been to every show since Syracuse, right? Fuck, go on stage and ask for pills from the crowd, ask one of the crew dipshits that’s walking around wiping Chris Cornell’s ass every night. Lord knows those dudes have to have heavy narcotics on them to be able to deal with being responsible for setting up and enabling Soundgarden’s painful stink. One would think, at least.

I mean, it’s probably kind of a no-brainer, but here’s the take away: if you’ve got serious issues with drugs, like I’m-gonna-flip-out-if-I-don’t-get-some-drugs issues, but you’re not interested in seeking help, for fucks sake, make sure you’ve got at least one homie nearby who knows what you’re doing, if for no other reason than so when you get that look in your eye and say ‘uh, I’m gonna head down to the drug store and go completely berserk until I get my drugs’ he can talk some sense into you and point you in the direction of the nearest degenerate, help you beat up said degenerate and take HIS drugs. I mean, god. How hard is that?

Sheesh.

21 comments:

Sir Mitchell of Cashmore said...

As I just mentioned on Twitter to you, Coheed are one of my favourite bands. I dunno why, but thats that. (I think I love TLA more). But yeah, you're right. I'd rather get thrown into the slammer than watch Soundgarden every night. But the dude has a problem.

He got kicked out of Coheed before due to drugs (as well as the drummer), and now that he's gone and fucked up his second chance, I believe that if he doesn't want to get help, let him self-destruct, let him destroy himself because now, he doesn't deserve another crack at a 'normal'/healthy/drug free life.

The dick.

Dissent said...

Black hole sun is the worst fucking song I've ever heard.

Jayzilla said...

i will absolutely watch the "Behind the Music" on Coheed in 10 years

"from comics to opiates and back again"

Donnie said...

Any 90's rock super group is a pretty awful idea. Velvet Revolver...

Toto said...

Black hole sun is the worst song ever written.

Jamie said...

oxy sun, wontcha come, and wash away the reeeeeeeeain-this also all happened in south coast MA which is possibly one of the most horrible/stale place on earth so he was probably hankering pretty badly. still no excuse to be a dumb dumb though.

Robb said...

A million dildi warbling along to Black Hole Sun is imagery the likes of which even Ryan Phillippe with celery stalk in ass can't compete.
Aaaaaandrew, I know you're out there. I was just tickling your pickle. So long as you promise to post at least one drunken chain of comments like that per month you'are more than welcome to stick around bud.

Seagull Steve said...

No one will ever convince me that Creed is not the worst big rock band to ever exist, with by far the worst singer.

Candice said...

but the video for black hole sun is so good!

jbody said...

Anything that beeeeex touches!!!!warblin robb?too soon there virtual miser.so these are regular rockin roll tunes coming soon right beex?which means more songs that channel the guns n roses cover of mama kin a la record player and the "definitely not about the gabels wedding(less they around) song".all jokes aside,uh,I got nothin............andrew man,that was suffused with such gooey sweetness....made me miss ole CW handsome sean...we gonna ignore this weird ticket stunt and do fest???you completely ignored my txt man..u know what u do.... ....... ........ . .

xjerryx said...

You like apples? I submit that Coheed & Cambria is far worse than Soundgarden. How does their shittiness go uncommented on? And also Louder Than Love is a pretty good record.

I second Creed as worst band ever. Crazy Town would take the cake if they weren't a one shitty hit wonder.

disastermarch said...

A couple of years ago I saw Fat Mike ask for drugs on stage. 10-15 people proceeded to through prescription pill bottles on stage until he found something he liked and popped a bunch of them. overall, fun show.

on another note, I don't like Coheed but Tom Morello is pretty sick, sure he's been doing the same thing for awhile but its pretty damn creative and gets the blood going (mostly referring to Rage here, but there's a couple pretty good Audioslave songs).

Brendan Kelly said...

you know, candice, and this is a true story, as a kid i lived with just my mom, who traveled pretty constantly for work and she had a college student live with us so I wouldn't be alone all the time. That college student, while living with us, graduated and became the woman who did that Black Hole Sun video. I was like 14 and I remember thinking it was a cool gig but not so much in terms of song and/or uh...scene. Fucking soundgarden. She's cool though. natasha. She's one of the good ones.

Sebas said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jbody said...

Are "Stone Temple Grandin" playin fest this year?seems plausible org name anyway.That new blink song is awkwardly hook-less.The chorus is this weird overtly auto-tuned pre chorus thingy.I figured it would be a nice little nugget

jbody said...

hook-less?baaaaaaaaaa

jbody said...

STG BRAAAH!!!!!!

jbody said...

I think adele is at the top of lady gaga's game.or something.that sophomore record of of hers is charting muuuch better than born this way and it's not like a thing.no manufactured rivalry or nuthin....get on it googleyena rancid!but man,when gaga strips those arrangements down grown men melt,first pawlenty now beeeeeeeeeeee.now its beeeeeeeeeeeeeee

jbody said...

this time its beeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

seannader said...

Louder than Love a pretty good hard rock record.I met Cornell once he was a dick.

Andrew Hudson said...

hahha of course im still here... thats the best thing about this club. no rules. yeah i can definetly promise that. im into the g's in my ipod of late and thats my drinking loose shit. guttermouth, goons of doom, goldfinger, good riddance and grinspoon. all of which are heavily my heavy drinking tunes. oh and that other band which im not sure u guys know yet.. gaslight anthem.