Thursday, August 11, 2011

hey, bro, that's a pretty cool wall.

I never did acid as a youth (or ever) even though I was around it all the time in high school. In fact, when I started hanging out in the suburbs, I got to meet people who did acid more or less every day, which was pretty weird. They seemed to be having fun, but clearly it wasn’t a very good ad for taking acid, because to this day the shit kind of creeps me out.

In the city, where I grew up, there were not that many drugs around. I mean, yeah, there were a couple of guys I knew who had weed but that was really it. In the suburbs however, once we got out to Oak Park, Barrington or Elgin (which were the three suburbs I hung out in the most…oak park because I had a band there, Barrington because I lived there for a year or two and Elgin because I had another, vastly better band there) the shit was everywhere. It wasn’t uncommon at any moment for someone to pull out some acid and ask if anyone wanted any. I never did it, I think, because this happened to me for the first time when I was still very young and innocent and the idea of fucking with my brain really, really wigged me out. This feeling, with regards to acid, has imprinted on me, even as I’ve gotten older and uh, braver, I guess.

I’d liken this to the way behaviorists talk about how if you grow up in the same house as your sibling, you become sexually revolted by them, but if you don’t you’ve got a very VERY good chance of at least considering wanting to bang them. OR, how they’ve got when puppies bond with their owners down to like, a span of three days in like the third or fourth week they’re alive. If you’re the person taking care of that puppy on those days, that puppy is gonna think of you as its’ #1 forever. It’s called imprinting, and that’s what happened to me with my aversion to acid.

I don’t remember any specifics, but I know that when I was young, people were always tripping around me and the way they acted seemed pretty stupid, but more to the point, every single one of them would say the same thing after their first trip, which was “whoa, I’ll never be the same after that,” and THAT freaked me the fuck out, since, like most humans, I’m inherently resistant to change, but also because I was young and myopic enough that I already thought I was awesome and that any change I could go through would automatically be for the worse. I couldn’t fathom that they meant change for the better. Also, there was this:

I’d grown up, like many of you, hearing the bullshit stories of acid casualties like the guy that your buddy’s friend knows who thinks he’s an orange, and he just sits in a room (hospital or childhood, depending on the version) and says something like “squeeze me, I’m so juicy” over and over again (by the way, just so we’re clear, this is a completely made up, fake story. If that dude really existed he’d be the posterboy for the war on drugs and he’d be constantly broadcast to impressionable teens. So I don’t care how much your brother swears up and down that his friend visited the dude once, he’s not real. Just like that girl in your highschool who got the hotdog stuck in her pussy isn’t real, just like the guy from the Lawrence Arms and the Falcon who puts peanut butter on his dick and has his dogs lick it off isn’t real either. Er…um…anyway) and so the idea that something like acid would change me forever didn’t sound like something that I wanted to have anything to do with.

This was a decision I’d made when I was just barely old enough to start thinking that maybe the bill of goods I’d been sold regarding the total, irredeemable evil of drugs was not entirely 100% true, but still young enough to get easily scared and still bombarded enough to kind of buy it a little. Now, I’m older and I have an entirely different view on drugs (‘don’t be an idiot with drugs’ is my view, by the way) but my feeling about acid is still imprinted. The shit seems creepy to me.

I mean, it sounds cool. I like the idea of talking dogs and pictures coming to life and a bowl of pudding telling my fortune and shit like that, but there seems to be some soul searching involved that I think, at this point in my existence, I’m a little too old and road weary for. I’ve found that the amount of introspection a person can handle is completely inversely proportional to how old you are OR how completely un-self aware you are. I think, as of right now, I can handle the regular amount, no more. That seems okay to me. I have some self awareness and that’s fine. I’m not trying to get to nirvana over here. Just trying to make it through the day.

Back when I was young, I hadn’t really ever lived, so I could peer into the deep recesses of my soul and it was all, ‘wow, I walk my dog, I like my mom, doing okay in school, saw some tits the other day and that was AMAZING! And that’s pretty much it. Let’s get back to listening to Ween.’ But life is hard, full of bad decisions, hard decisions, compromise, broken promises (to yourself and to others) and the act of just being alive kind of runs your soul through the gutter a little. I mean, just to type this I have to ignore my kids, even if it is for fifteen minutes and I can see them the whole time, and that can, in a moment of quiet reflection, make me feel incredibly guilty. It’s not even the bad shit like when I beat up that old lady or pissed on the sleeping homeless guy, it’s the day to day minutiae that builds and builds and eventually bows and breaks your soul, and the results are that I don’t want to get in there and look TOO terribly closely, and since that’s what acid kind of makes you do, no thanks.

I’ll take beer, which does the complete opposite, thank you very much. Uh, plus, if acid makes Jefferson Airplane sound like a decent band, well, no. No thank you. That shit’s terrible.

As you were.

21 comments:

Anonymous feat. The Ben Walters said...

No I'm pretty sure Neil is real

Matthew said...

Never did mushrooms even? C'mon dude. Everyone needs to trip at least once, it's imperative. But yeah at my age, I don't think I'd do acid again either...

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

Pretty sure he's partaken of the shrooms matthew. In fact I believe Beeeeeeee has alluded on multiple occasions to some wiiiiiiiiiii night out in the rural french wilderness years back that involved him tripping on shrooooooooooo, even.
Oh btw, tell that tale already or never, ever mention it again on here. Your choice

James said...

and its interesting cause i thought today 'come on lets start writing about something other than cock' and then you do this, which is annoying cause i spent the night drinking beer and talking about my dick and how its unused. i'm with you on the acid tho. that was a huxley esque post whether you accept it or not.

Robb said...

Daaaaamn B vodkas like my shit now! No, cuz for years I was just Mr whiskey but the other day I got nice n drunk on some premium oOooooo and I was like Daaaaaamn now THIS is my oOOooooooooo
Everyone into acid Ive ever met was a tremendous fucking asshole with shitty taste in everything, so no thang

Robb said...

Has skiiiiiiiiba done his share of acid? ohhh I'm just messin skiba. Ohhhh fuck you, skiba.

Richard said...

Maybe I'm too young (23), but acid feels healthy (I've tripped maybe 3 times since I first tried it 2 years ago). And what you described the psychadellic hallucinations to be like, are way off parr. Give it a gentle go man. Its nothing mind blowing, but you feel like it is at the time. When its all over, you think back and think "oh yeah, I was on drugs...those thoughts were stupid." So if your smart enough I don't think it'll fundamentally change you. I never did drugs young either. I started experimenting with safe drugs like pot and acid because I felt my brain was developed enough to handle it. A teen taking psychadellics and shaping his cognitive model as a result, is not something desirable. But I digress.

FranklinStein said...

"it’s the day to day minutiae that builds and builds and eventually bows and breaks your soul, and the results are that I don’t want to get in there and look TOO terribly closely, and since that’s what acid kind of makes you do, no thanks."

I've done it twice and this pretty much sums up my experience with acid. All of my problems became magnified and I felt completely powerless. The first two stages (i.e, body high and intense visual hallucinations) are amazing. The last two (i.e., entering the darkest abyss of my mind and coming down) were wretched. I felt amazing after the drug had worn off both times, however. This feeling can best be described by the chorus in Against Me's "Joy".

been laudin' said...

ehh i'd probably maybe do a little acid if there was some guaranteed "hot pussy" involved or something, you know like, "Do this acid and I will give you my hot pussy" but otherwise acid and the overall concept thereof can generally suck my dick.

Tim said...

Hey Brendan. I’m looking for some advice. Hopefully you can help me out.

About a month ago one of my best friends since elementary school confided in me that he's an alcoholic and wants to get sober. We’re both 22 but I’ve never been a hard drinker. In fact, as I get older, I find myself less and less interested in drinking at all. And I have no experience lending support to an addict of any kind so I’m not sure of how I can be of help to him.

The thing is, he’s high functioning and can be an angry drunk if I try to get him to slow down, despite him asking me for help. He works a full-time job and after he gets out, he just drinks alone (whenever we hang out, I have two beers at best before I leave his house [always his house]) and lays around the rest of the night. He told me yesterday he’s driven to work drunk twice recently, and because of that his boss enrolled him in some kind of outpatient AA clinic. His dad got him to talk to a social worker he knows who specializes in addictions and he’s encouraged him to go to a separate AA group too. We’re going to our first meeting tomorrow but he’s been on a weekend bender.

Earlier today, I was telling him he should get a new hobby to give him something to replace drinking with to keep him occupied but he just made fun of me saying some bullshit about drinking being the best thing in the world. So he’s not looking so great. And he hasn’t hit any bottom that he’s told me about so I’m not sure how much longer he’s got to go until he's serious. But, you know, I don’t want it to come to that.

The other thing is, I’m kind of going in the opposite direction, looking to move out of my parents’ house in a year and generally getting my life together. I try to invite him to shows to get him out of the house but he’s not interested in anything besides going out to eat or watching TV (which is how we’ve been bonding the past year or so since we graduated [yet he bailed on watching Breaking Bad tonight to drink]). I don’t want to be a shitty friend when he needs somebody most but he’s getting to be kind of pathetic and if he keeps pulling this shit, I don’t know what I can do to help if he doesn’t want really want it.

I’m sorry to bum you out so early in the morning but you’ve written a lot of good songs about being pathetic and drinking and I think you turned out alright. Anything you've got is appreciated. Thanks.

James said...

hey tim -

i have a friend like the one you mention in your post. cept we're all like 35. i have spent a good part of my life trying to convince him he is a good person, a talented kid (photographer) and that he needs to step up to the plate and be a man in order to realise his full potential.

He is lackluster, jaded and lives on his couch or in his office. He drinks in the mornings with a little vodka orange drank driving home from the mountains, just to unwind, you understand.

Drinking issues stem from fears; of the world, of the future, of life in general?

He doesn't listen to enough punk, and is basically a control freak.

He is a control freak, sometimes locks his girl in the house when he's at work and generally talks over people, rejects any change to 'his plans' [getting shitfaced].

As you say "always at his house", if anyone wants to see him.

Control is an issue for some alcoholics I think; that they feel they have none over their life at rock bottom or after a bender, enough to ensure the aggression is stored and saved for a later date.

I speak very openly with my friend about things and this sometimes works and sometimes doesn't. I talk to his g/f a lot and try to work with her, and we make some progress in terms of how we can help him, but when its Helpy Time, he's of course not really trying to hear any of that noise.

I pushed and we broke up, i didnt see him for months and then ran into his old lady to hear that the situation is deteriorating.

So I come back, push with friendship and talks of old times until we get a chance to talk. He has promised me this coming weekend we will start a photo project (i am trying to expose him and his work to the world without him feeling that it's me doing it).

I dont really know what the point is. I'm him too, or at least I was. The Control / Fear has to be fixed before the booze is tackled. Addictions stem from unhappiness, straight up.

My friend is a sad kid, hugely talented, sociable (he works crowds well) but for the last three years or so has been stuck in a cubicle thinking if he just gets that next promotion all will be well.

There are two or three examples of this model in my circle of friends, and none of them really want to hang with jimmy anymore. I was also part of the game, keeping up with the joneses, plundering loot and spending it on stimulation.

More Money = More Booze if you aint fixed up in the heart tho, I can tell you that and I jumped ship sometime in 2009 to get my shit straight.

I dont know what my point is. I guess its for you though, Tim - dont kill yourself trying to save this guy.

James said...

cant find the bill hicks clip on friends so i'll just plug my own bloghole

http://www.endpointithaca.com/blog/2010/11/05/thanks-bill/

Little Orphan Funkhouser said...

Tim & James - you self-righteous blowhards. Let's catch a screening of 'Abduction' this coming fri, my treat~!

Little Orphan Funkhouser said...

Jesus fucking christ james - you es-pesh.

Little Orphan Funkhouser said...

"Tim & James: Awesome show nice job joseph gordon-levitt"

James said...

i will bring the twizzlers.

Robb said...

Blacklist Royals > Gaslight, maybe?

This new season of curb your enthusiasm is funny as shit.

Why is Whataburger ketchup still unavailable in grocery stores? They'd make a killing.

I meant people really "into" acid, like Phishhead dweebs, not folks who've done it a few times.

That is all

Little Orphan Funkhouser said...

Yall Samantha Mathis is ugly as shit huh?

Little Orphan Funkhouser said...

wikifeet lmfo (laughin my feetz off)

Eugenio said...

just wondering when the lawrence arms will tour again. Please come to Grand Rapids, MI :)

Gene
eugenio.rosario@gmail.com

Jessica said...

This title is especially funny to me. One time when I was 19 or 20 a friend and I ate acid and went to the MCA for a special exhibit of 3D string sculptures. It was free and an opening with free food and drinks.

When we got there I noticed that everyone looked WAY older than us and was dressed in evening gowns and suits and shit, so I felt a little nervous and said I wanted to smoke a cigarette before going inside. We walked around to the back and ended up smoking probably an entire pack of cigarettes while staring at the wall. It was concrete with silver circles in it, and we thought it looked AMAZING.

We finally went inside, but just for a few minutes, right before the art exhibit closed. Probably spent two hours staring at the fucking wall and talking. It was accidental.