So, where do we stand on Casey Anthony and her obvious ability to pump a wang? I broached this subject on Twitter yesterday, but I think it merits a long form discussion as well. So, first let’s get the disclaimers out of the way: Casey Anthony is the most hated person in America for good reason. She really seems like the kind of person who kills toddlers, she’s accused all the males her own family of fucking her (which, well, if they did that’s absolutely despicable, but if they didn’t then well, that’s a super fucked up thing to accuse your own dad and brother of. That’s terrible. Not ‘kill-your-daughter-and-toss-her-duct-taped-corpse-in-the-woods terrible, but pretty goddamned terrible all the same). She’s definitely a shitty person, she’s gross, she’s been in jail and she’s at the very least a sociopath if not an outright psychopath, BUT I was scrolling through her candid photos yesterday and one thing was abundantly clear to me: She’d be a pretty fierce lay, no two ways about it.
Is she attractive? Eh…yeah? I guess. At the time of writing this I think it’s safe to say she’s definitely not a pig…again it bears mentioning that this is a purely physical assessment and in no way an endorsement of her despicable behavior. That said, she’s pretty well put together. She’s obviously very fit. I don’t know. I’m uncomfortable heaping too much praise on her for obvious reasons, but in a vacuum, I’d say she’s attractive. Now, as this is the internet and everyone’s a contrarian and an opinionated naysayer, I’d like to just stop you right now and tell you that I’m aware of your opinion: she’s a greasy chipmunk, she’s a sinewy white trash juggalo jizzbox, she looks like a teenage boy in drag. I don’t entirely disagree with any of this, but in the name of respectable journalism, I feel compelled to throw in that she’s also undeniably bangable, if for no other reason than because you men out there (all men) have extremely low standards 100% of the time whether you admit it to me, your friends or yourself, and I’m about as sure as anything I’ve ever been sure of that you’ve ALL boned a chick that’s physically more repellant than Casey Anthony, right? I thought so. So anyway, moving on…
Here’s what Casey Anthony brings to the table: She’s a party girl, a boozer, very likely a user of drugs and generally uninhibited (this is exhaustively documented in all the candid photos of her in bars getting her tits grabbed, her in a flag toga in what looks like the ‘before’ shot of an extremely patriotic orgy and just generally in her lax brand of parenting). She’s also fucking insane. These are bad traits to have in a friend, a wife, a mother or a girlfriend, but when it comes down to pure unbridled boning, they’re AWESOME traits. She’s also (obviously) desperately insecure and starved for validation, and now as the most hated woman in the entire world she’s probably about ten times as clamorous for approval. This is a recipe for a penis job the likes of which haven’t been seen on this mortal coil in ages. If you’re the kind of desperate sack of shit that’s willing to give some loving to a reprehensible probable-child-murderer, (and deep down most of you are) well, bro, you’re in for a hell of a ride.
It’s just a matter of seconds until someone finds this out first hand. In fact, I’m sure she’s been wantonly skiing down a mountain of dicks ever since she got released from jail, wherever she is. She’s ALSO obviously a contrarian and with everyone on earth condemning her parenting (again, with extremely good reason) you know that her crazy, crazy, contrary ass is just burning up with baby fever. Even if you ignore the fact that she’s been sequestered from the general dong population for the last three years, there’s probably not someone on earth more desperate for some wangs than crazy old Casey Anthony (all gay dudes notwithstanding). Just throwing it out there. She’s a horrible person and I’d rather have my prostate pulled out of my dickhole with a fondue fork than sit in a room with her, but some lucky trucker/meth dealer/dude with a case of Natty Lite hanging out in the econolodge parking lot/etc is probably having the kind of sex that would make pornstars blush as we speak.
Uh…I don’t really know just how to feel about all this. It’s obviously reductive and sexist and all that. BUT it’s also all totally true. And, (and I discussed this on Twitter yesterday a bit too) is it okay to acknowledge that someone who’s obviously a shithead is also probably good at something too? I think so. I can say that Michael Vick is a good quarterback or Hitler was a great delegator, right? It doesn’t change the fact that I find dogfighting and genocide to be terrible, despicable acts, but I mean, fuck…is that okay? I don’t know. I think so? Maybe? Eh, who knows? I’m gonna go take a cry-shower now.
See you dipshits in a few.