Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Oh no you DI-int!

So, where do we stand on Casey Anthony and her obvious ability to pump a wang? I broached this subject on Twitter yesterday, but I think it merits a long form discussion as well. So, first let’s get the disclaimers out of the way: Casey Anthony is the most hated person in America for good reason. She really seems like the kind of person who kills toddlers, she’s accused all the males her own family of fucking her (which, well, if they did that’s absolutely despicable, but if they didn’t then well, that’s a super fucked up thing to accuse your own dad and brother of. That’s terrible. Not ‘kill-your-daughter-and-toss-her-duct-taped-corpse-in-the-woods terrible, but pretty goddamned terrible all the same). She’s definitely a shitty person, she’s gross, she’s been in jail and she’s at the very least a sociopath if not an outright psychopath, BUT I was scrolling through her candid photos yesterday and one thing was abundantly clear to me: She’d be a pretty fierce lay, no two ways about it.

Is she attractive? Eh…yeah? I guess. At the time of writing this I think it’s safe to say she’s definitely not a pig…again it bears mentioning that this is a purely physical assessment and in no way an endorsement of her despicable behavior. That said, she’s pretty well put together. She’s obviously very fit. I don’t know. I’m uncomfortable heaping too much praise on her for obvious reasons, but in a vacuum, I’d say she’s attractive. Now, as this is the internet and everyone’s a contrarian and an opinionated naysayer, I’d like to just stop you right now and tell you that I’m aware of your opinion: she’s a greasy chipmunk, she’s a sinewy white trash juggalo jizzbox, she looks like a teenage boy in drag. I don’t entirely disagree with any of this, but in the name of respectable journalism, I feel compelled to throw in that she’s also undeniably bangable, if for no other reason than because you men out there (all men) have extremely low standards 100% of the time whether you admit it to me, your friends or yourself, and I’m about as sure as anything I’ve ever been sure of that you’ve ALL boned a chick that’s physically more repellant than Casey Anthony, right? I thought so. So anyway, moving on…

Here’s what Casey Anthony brings to the table: She’s a party girl, a boozer, very likely a user of drugs and generally uninhibited (this is exhaustively documented in all the candid photos of her in bars getting her tits grabbed, her in a flag toga in what looks like the ‘before’ shot of an extremely patriotic orgy and just generally in her lax brand of parenting). She’s also fucking insane. These are bad traits to have in a friend, a wife, a mother or a girlfriend, but when it comes down to pure unbridled boning, they’re AWESOME traits. She’s also (obviously) desperately insecure and starved for validation, and now as the most hated woman in the entire world she’s probably about ten times as clamorous for approval. This is a recipe for a penis job the likes of which haven’t been seen on this mortal coil in ages. If you’re the kind of desperate sack of shit that’s willing to give some loving to a reprehensible probable-child-murderer, (and deep down most of you are) well, bro, you’re in for a hell of a ride.

It’s just a matter of seconds until someone finds this out first hand. In fact, I’m sure she’s been wantonly skiing down a mountain of dicks ever since she got released from jail, wherever she is. She’s ALSO obviously a contrarian and with everyone on earth condemning her parenting (again, with extremely good reason) you know that her crazy, crazy, contrary ass is just burning up with baby fever. Even if you ignore the fact that she’s been sequestered from the general dong population for the last three years, there’s probably not someone on earth more desperate for some wangs than crazy old Casey Anthony (all gay dudes notwithstanding). Just throwing it out there. She’s a horrible person and I’d rather have my prostate pulled out of my dickhole with a fondue fork than sit in a room with her, but some lucky trucker/meth dealer/dude with a case of Natty Lite hanging out in the econolodge parking lot/etc is probably having the kind of sex that would make pornstars blush as we speak.

Uh…I don’t really know just how to feel about all this. It’s obviously reductive and sexist and all that. BUT it’s also all totally true. And, (and I discussed this on Twitter yesterday a bit too) is it okay to acknowledge that someone who’s obviously a shithead is also probably good at something too? I think so. I can say that Michael Vick is a good quarterback or Hitler was a great delegator, right? It doesn’t change the fact that I find dogfighting and genocide to be terrible, despicable acts, but I mean, fuck…is that okay? I don’t know. I think so? Maybe? Eh, who knows? I’m gonna go take a cry-shower now.

See you dipshits in a few.
xoxoxoxo

20 comments:

Tiffany said...

I wrote something on my Facebook status about this the other day too. I said, "I cannot be the only chick who thinks Casey Anthony is hot looking. I'd hit it. Two times. Might even call it again."

All horrible and obvious things aside, it is a damn shame when we lose one to the dark side. Not just the "she looks kinda dark" side, but the "I kill children" dark side. :\

Boombox-27 said...

I've come to the conclusion that I'd bang any celebrity or pseudo-celebrity, no matter their relative age or disgusting-ness. Not really because I want to, but, man, that'd make a great story. I'd love to walk into work one morning and get to say "Hey, guess what I did last night? Fucked Rosie O'Donnell." Keep hope alive.

jakegreen said...

pros and cons. everybody has them.

casey said...

Dude, she's in Columbus, Ohio. You know that she's getting her requested 10 dicks per hour pumped into her by various meth-heads and frat-boys.

Mikey said...

^^^
You would know wouldn't you casey?

FranklinStein said...

"In fact, I’m sure she’s been wantonly skiing down a mountain of dicks ever since she got released from jail, wherever she is."

This is the most delicious thing I've heard all month.

Candice said...

she has a great rack

Little Orphan Funkhouser said...

"anoint him with oil, anoint him with wine/anoint them both with Tesla coils if they coin my rhymes" goddaaaaaamn beeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Little Orphan Funkhouser said...

Beeeeee how many times on avg per week do ya consciously convince yourself that 'K'naan' and 'Ironmask Hugo' (Germaaaaaaany) is somehow more relevant than perennials like liquid swords in shit? You secret hipster fuck

Little Orphan Funkhouser said...

Well at least you're twitter pals with ava devine. Almost makes up for lexi belle, I mean dont get me wrong, ava gets on my nerves too, but godDAYUM dat ass! goddayum dat ass beeeeeeex! naughty america, bang bros, she can be found in all the best places eh? Cant even tell ya how many times Ive rubbed one to dat luscious azzzz beeeeeex! conversely I can tell ya how many times ive rubbed one to lexi faggot. Twice I think, once in '06 and again in '06. Ohh, fuck you too, beex

Little Orphan Funkhouser said...

b t dubs, ever called a woman a faggot to their face? It's not mind-blowingly subversive or anything but entirely satisfactory when you need the upper hand in a pinch; lil' megan mccallister didn't grow up with that shit like we did ya know?

Little Orphan Funkhouser said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Little Orphan Funkhouser said...

I mean just imagine the confused twisty-face on gwyneth paltrow or greta van susteren or mrs. andriano to be bombarded with faggot; simply divine

Robb said...

'coatjones' on twitter seems like a real dweeb. Little fat-hipped, waddling coat jones.

Robb said...

I dunno, the pungent aroma of 'height issues' is overpowering ya know?

Robb said...

Oh, no! No, Im not, oh, you thought-! H'yaaaa! saying it in a sycophantic way, to suck your dick or anything. Just genuinely seems like a hardcore dweeb. And that avatar? I just hope someone spits in coatjones' next quarter pounder n shit.

Robb said...

Nah food nasties? Thats diabolical, underhanded pussy shit. Something more visceral. Like, I hope coatjones gets verbally humiliated by a charismatic black high school star athlete in line at the movies

Robb said...

Aww hell, i dont really wish ill of coatjones yall. That avatar really gets under my skin though. Anyone seen Hesher? That bit where Hesh describes a 4 way in the back of his van that clearly didn't transpire is gold

Matthew said...

This is quite possibly the funniest post I've EVER read on your blog!!! SOLID GOLD!!!

czecho said...

I don't even know who she is and I've been laughing hysterically since reading this. Thank You Brendan.
Come back to Australia please.