Tuesday, August 2, 2011

let's go dii-iiicks let's go!

So, as promised, today’s entry will deal with dicks. Dicks are funny. They’re not particularly attractive, but they have a certain je ne sais quoi that makes people think about and with them all the time. Dudes, in particular are infatuated with dicks. People will sit there and tell you that men only think about pussy, but that’s really not true at all. Even when men are thinking about pussy, they’re just thinking about how great a dick housing whatever pussy they’re thinking about would be. Don’t believe me? If you’re a dude, imagine your dick is cut off. Gone, never to return. Now, do you still want pussy? Or is it entirely contingent on having a dick? See. It’s dicks. You’re thinking about dicks. (ha ha! You’re thinking about di-icks!)

Size of dicks is an issue and again, it’s one that is REALLY only important to men. Women pragmatically assess a dick’s worth in much the same way that someone will determine (for example) how much potato salad to buy based on what they could reasonably consume before it goes bad. ‘That particular dick is too big to ever go in my ass” is something that women of a certain awesomeness think on occasion when confronted with a new dick. (of course women are happy to laugh at small dicks, but only if the dick in question is REALLY small, [like, the size of an eraser] or if they hate the dude the dick’s attached to and the thought of shaming him and his puny dong is recapitulated as some sort of move towards empowerment).

Men, however, exist in a strange world of black and white where big dicks are important and better than smaller dicks. You know who complains about/makes fun of/obsesses over small dicks? Dudes. Not women. I mean, sure, women maybe DO have something to say on the subject now and again, but not on even remotely the scale of dudes. Dudes are disproportionately obsessed with dick size which, if you’re not gay (and honestly, gay dudes really, truly have the right, if not the duty to be somewhat obsessed with dicks. They’ve got em, the people they want to fuck have them. Everyone has them. They’re a big deal. In a world where everyone’s a dude, the dick is crucial, bro) seems like a strange thing to be obsessed with. It becomes disturbing pretty fast when you really stop to consider the amount of daily thought that men give to dicks. But HERE’S the funny part:

What other measurement on the entire earth is tallied, recorded and deemed acceptable/shitty completely exclusive of the surrounding environment? If I said my house had a five foot long back deck, that doesn’t mean much. You need to see the room it comes off of, the outside area it opens onto etc. If I said you had ten minutes to wait, if that’s at the doctor’s office, no big deal. If it’s to get a nine piece mcnugget, that’s a long time, if it’s before this gang of dudes stops beating the shit out of you, that’s an eternity. But with dicksize, it’s just straight up, uh…is it at least 6 inches? No? then it’s small. Doesn’t matter if you’re Shaq or Tom Cruise or Meatloaf or Peter Dinklage. Doesn't matter how deep or shallow the accompanying vagina is. Dicks have a cosmic measuring scale which surroundings have no bearing on. Behold, the mystery of dicks.

What a hilarious weirdness. To summarize, with a few exceptions, women don’t even really truly care much about dicksize, but men are obsessed. The best part is that most men don’t have big dicks. That’s just the way it works by definition. The adjective “big” is specifically designated to denote dicks that are more than average. Average is, again, by definition, not big but for some reason having a big dick is a big deal. It's odd. As someone with a giant dick, I can’t begin to fathom why anyone else would desire this curse. Whenever I bang my wife it’s nothing but teary eyed orgasms and entreaties to stop, no, keep going…You guys out there with your pin dicks are lucky.

Uh, wait…is this thing on?

28 comments:

crazycarl said...

dick, dick, dick!

Matthew said...

Very true indeed! You need to do another post now about balls...

Spanish moss said...

I am a woman. dicks matter. Women talk about dicks. We stare are your feet and hands and wonder if there is any sort of connection. Bc sometimes, there really is. We wonder what you think about your own ween once we've seen it. we get extremely disappointed when your dicks are skinny. man. i really. really. hate a skinny peen. i will legit not sleep with a skinny ween twice. when talking about sex with other women - we NO DOUBT talk about dicks. lengths and girths included. curves. scars. the way they are mostly multicolored. yep.

lastly, dicks.

Jamie said...

i'm with spanish moss. cock talk is frequent amongst us womyn. i don't like skinny weenies either but the worst is when it overwhelmingly leans to the left or right-it makes the ride all...cockeyed...or something...

Drunken Acorn said...

My dick is like my name.

BEEXtrix Potter said...

Yea, some of you bird-brained gals really need to learn the whole hand/foot-peen size connection has about as much relevance as shoulder width to brench press ability or zodiac sign to actual personality traits. Awww yaaaall know, how laaydies associate male body frame size/shoulder width with "strength"...'Brent strraaaaaaawwwng, he got wide-set shoulders n big hands yall!' Beeeg ol' dick, 'at one! Yeeeeee-heeeeew~!

"infallible feeEeeeemale intuition" lmao

BEEXtrix Potter said...

Man, ol P-Dink was great in In Bruges, but I fucking hate him in everything else, oh well

jbody said...

its the disparity (lack thereof) in size between pointer and middle finger that denotes length.that ought to help you two grossies out.oh,and width has everything to do with the distance between a male's eyes.the farther the fatter as they say.....happy mongo huntin gals..........uh,the first one's true

BEEXtrix Potter said...

Dearest jbody, it's distance between inner thighs, inversely correlated. So fatter male thighs with thigh fat that like chafes together when walking = more peepee girth. Naturally, fat loss in this region has detrimental effect on penile girth

serious science

tune confusion said...

You ain nuthin but a hoooound daaawg/that kinda music just soooothes the soooul lmfao

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

What about the well-established female hand/foot-genital link? You know, like how long spindly Tim Burton spider fingers/snake toes = loosy goosy roast beef flaps with an elongated bellows-like opening and comically underdeveloped clitoris. Aww, by golly that generalization is non existant huh? Almost as if the hand/foot thing is an arbitrary sexist one-way sort of thing, almost.

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

Be funny as fuck if that were true though! Secretly-insecure hipster gals the world over would have some gross-ass pussies, which would be poetic justice if there ever was any.

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

Was the hand/foot game like something that bored Puritan women came up with to pass time as they washed clothes in the river? "It kindles my inner fire, the way Jebemiah's hands dwarf the handle of that axe. ...Tall, strong Jebediah. I WILL bear the brunt of his vile spitting serpent" Fucking retards.

Zodiac believer (odd-smelling beaver) said...

Dont talk shit bout what yall dont know motherfuckers! Yall is probably mad cuz yalls shy timid sagittariuses that don't pursue womenz the way they wanna be pursued motherfuckers! Peeeanut dick motherfuckers!! The only ladies chase is a SHOT!!

Jamie said...

Not back-peddling but...sayin' I don't like skinny peen is like saying I'm not attracted to blonde dudes, it's nothing personal & not even a cardinal rule, but a preference. I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings or self-image. Esp. since BK was right and IMO females think/care about it less-and I've stayed with a guy with an eraser sized weiner for years and a guy with leanin' ween for years because after all if yr good at sex it doesn't even matter whatcha workin with its what u do with it yaheardme -grossie

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

I was just riffin on the whole generalized male hand/foot size stigma thing. Not necessarily aimed at you two...it's pretty widespread and ubiquitous. And arbitrary. and sexist-y. And rooted in dum-dum schoolyard/slumber party myth. Which makes it fun to rip apart.

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

(ubiquitous) ...At least in the western world. I have no fucking idea what the Japanese's general consensus is on the male peepee-hands link. I'd be lying to say I was remotely curious.

Little lord fauntleroy (micropenis; barely boy) said...

This was all very reassuring brendan kelly!! Heh wheew! I can breathe easy! I sweat so excessively, I tell ya what. Well it's off to the garden with me. It's tuesday so no sweets tonight, mummy says if my libido was anything like my sweet tooth I'd be a real proper man instead of an ineffectual nancy boy polebean. hehe!

Boyz 2 Boyz said...
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Boyz 2 Boyz said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Boyz 2 Boyz said...

(silky smooth r&b croon) Do ya wanna hear about my liiiiii-iiichen plaaaanus?/Dooo you wanna hear about the uuu-uuug-ly thaaaa-aaaaaangs (Usher spin)

Sean said...

Can we, just for a minute, talk about girls that are just awful at giving blowjobs?

I mean, sure... touch here = feels amazing, lick there = feels even better, but that doesn't mean.... actually, nevermind.

James said...

hehe!

Robb said...

da bitch so addicted to my leanin' weaner/I had to help her get clean n' wean her

--blazin rhyme couplet from a mercifully unreleased Carter IV session outtake

Little Man Tate (Ryan Mano) said...

Bren we still down for billiards this fri? Called you this wknd but your phone did that thing where ya hear a split second of environmental ambiance on the other end then drops the call? Called again, heard what sounded like my name being said in a hushed tone followed by brash laughter, call dropped again, weird! Figured you're busy as a bee-x! Haha GOTTA fuckin see these new jeans I snagged, silhoutte of a girl lickin a lollipop embroidered on the rear pockets. Well c--did you say? Well call me

Crofford-Gifford Chauncer said...

Listen I know you n "omgitzlexi" are tight and shit and yall once took an iphone picture in front of a cereal factory or something but do you think maybe you could gently suggest that she change that twit pic? That may be the most awful avatar I've seen on internet

Crofford-Gifford Chauncer said...

Oh just call me chauncey! Little crofford-chauncey tenenbaum faggot.

Jessica said...

hm. women do think/talk about dicks. kind of a lot. but i think guys are under the misconception that bigger is ALWAYS better, no matter how much bigger. if a guy has an 8" or 9" dick i don't know any of my many female friends who would want to fuck it more than once.

most women do not want below average, but are fine with average. also, feelings. woman will fuck dicks they don't even really like if they fall for the body it's attached to.

small dick guys (or guys who fear they have small dicks) also tend to eat more pussy to compensate, and some girls get off from that more readily than from sex, so in that case a small dick might be a plus.