Good morning all you sugartitses out there in cyberspace! It’s a beautiful Tuesday and I’m so excited to bring all y’all punk rock Tuesdays this evening at the risqué café on clark and sheffield. Come down for cheap cans and dollar tacos and an “hour of power” from 9 to 10 that will leave those of you brave enough to take it on good and drunk. It’ll be a good time. I’d say that I’ll even bring my guitar and play some songs but I don’t think we have the PA capabilities for that, so…well, sorry.
Okay, now that we’ve got that out of the way, I’d like to talk about my main man Mel Gibson. How awesome is he? I mean, Mad Max was good, Tim was fabulous, the Road Warrior introduced us to the phrase “the ayatollah of rock n roll-a” and of course the ‘Lethal Weapon’ series taught us that even if you’re a sensible black family man who’s too old for [a wide variety of] shit, you can still work together with a young, wacky, Curly-from-the-three-stooges-impersonating bemulleted white guy to get shit done. I mean, did any two people seem so in love through their mutual frustration as Riggs and Murtaugh? No. The answer is no. Not Jessica and Nick, not Snoopy and Charlie Brown, not Sigfried and Roy. There was no fairytale quite like Mel and Danny (and later Joe Pesci and Danny [dig on the homoerotic undertones woven throughout 1997’s masterpiece “gone fishin’” for a dynamite example]).
Well, goes to show what a talented actor Mel Gibson is, because turns out, he hates the movies, and by ‘movies’ I mean Jews, gays, women, packs of black dudes, and fake tits. And, um…you can’t make a movie without these things, people. These are like the flour and butter for the cake that is a Hollywood feature. Okay, I guess you can get away with not having a pack of black guys, but the rest of these categories are necessities in Hollywood. Hell, if you removed the Jews and the gays and the fake titted women, it’d be nothing but mel Gibson, Will Smith and a bunch of gardners from Bel Air to the Fairfax district.
Anyway, my point is Mel Gibson is really REALLY hitting his stride right now. You thought Lindsay Lohan was sabotaging her career? Step aside you half stepping drunkard! Let uncle Mel show you how this shit’s done. He’s literally rocking the “Firebombing of Dresden” style attack on his own life and I gotta tell you, it’s fabulous. I’d say he’s probably gonna go down as the entertainer of the year for this, if not the decade.
Oh. I’m dead serious.
Listen, before you get out there and condemn Mel, remember that it’s our world that we’re building here. It’s us that decided that we wanted 24 hour entertainment news and six or seven magazines devoted to beach bodies and nipple slips and losing the baby weight and dream homes et al.
We now focus more on what celebrities do when they’re not working than when they are. Think about it. Think about the amount of press that uh, what? Twilight gets. Now think about how much press Rob Pattinson’s hair gets. I know it’s all corporate synergy and all that, but the point is that the movies are now really just a small part of the way these people entertain us. The main thrust of the entertainment comes from watching them navigate clumsy interviews, stumble drunk out of clubs, hang out in skimpy clothes, say stupid things and every once in a while tell their baby mommas that they’re gonna deserve it when a “pack of niggers” rapes them because they insist on wearing that ‘green thing from today.’
That’s entertainment, folks. I mean, Mel has been setting himself up as this arch villain for a long time now. He yells at cops, he hates jews, he hates gays, he’s divorcing his wife for a much younger foreign model, he’s making movies with subtitles. He’s really cultivated his niche in Hollywood as “drunk hyper-religious kooky sex fiend bigot” in a way that very few have managed to pull off, and now he’s delivered the knockout blow to his career with the swift devastation of Mike Tyson punching himself in the face. Threatening to kill his wife? Awesome! Implying black guys travel in ‘rape packs’? Brilliant! Hating on fake breasts (as though they’ve ever done anything to him!)? Wonderful! I mean, the only way that he could have fucked his career up more quickly and permanently would have been to have cut into a live broadcast of the broadcast of the superbowl with footage of him fucking a six year old boy while wearing blackface and high fiving Kim Jong Il. I mean, when the days of you publically talking about hating jews and their responsibility for ‘all wars’ and drunkenly calling a cop ‘sugartits’ are the simpler time when things were calm, you know you’ve stirred up some decent action.
I love it. Iove that we’ve created a world where the movies and albums (which are free) are now secondary to the taped phonecalls and pussy flashing that is part and parcel with getting out of cars. You want to be on the front of a magazine? Don’t waste your time honing your craft and picking the right roles. Get that clam out in front of the Ivy, gurl!
And while we’re on that subject, pray tell, what happened to all the pussy flashing? It used to be that we couldn’t go a day without someone getting out of something without something getting photographed without some form of panties on it, but that golden age of clam-flashery seems to be behind us now? Why? I know it’s not because those gross greasy dudes that drive around taking the pictures suddenly decided to have a smidge of decency. What’s the deal? Are women in Hollywood not taking as many drugs? Are panties the new black? I don’t know what’s up, but I really, really don’t like it. Where’s the new Lindsay, Britney and Paris and their sparkly new devil-may-care vaginas? It sickens me the way this world is going to hell, sometimes. THOSE girls knew how to entertain us. This new generation is nothing but a bunch of no name vagless peacocks, frankly and it sickens me.
Anyway, good work Mel Gibson on being very compelling and completely and thoroughly unlikable and unredeemable. That’s a selfless dedication to your craft that more of your contemporaries should consider shouldering, because right now, you’re way out there, all alone in front. And you’ll probably be out there and all alone for a while.
Nice. Oh, I’m going on a family trip for the next few weeks, so 1)the blog will be more sporadic than it already is and 2) this is the last punk rock Tuesday for a couple weeks. Come take shots and listen to Propagandhi with me. Maybe I’ll show you my vagina.