Thursday, December 10, 2009

gluga gluga gluga

Not a lot of time today. I got a good advice query that I think I can handle though.

Q: Hey Beex, when can I start asking my girlfriend to blow me again? We had a kid almost a year ago and so far- nothing. I’m dying over here. We live together and we still have sex semi-regularly, but I miss the bj. She says she’s tired all the time. She reads the bad sandwich every day. maybe she’ll listen to you. Don’t let me down!
Thanks.

A: Wow. Now, ladies and gentlemen, THIS is what this here blog is for. Our buddy here isn’t getting BJ’s but he’s still getting laid. Not the end of the world, but it’s a pickle, for sure. It’s a pickle that probably every man in a long term relationship has dealt with at least for a while here and there. It’s also, on the flipside, the source of the whining, completely unsexy and therefore pretty unblowable boyfriend that every woman in a long term relationship has probably dealt with for at least a while here and there. This shit becomes self fulfilling, and not just when it comes to blowjobs. I’ve been in relationships where the boning just stops. Any attempt to get to the source of why the boning stops just pushes the person who’s cruelly withholding the boning further and further away. It’s, to a point, the difference between the way men and women bargain, but that’s not all, and that’s not what’s going on here, either. Just throwing it all out there to get started.
Okay, on to this specific issue. Firstly, your girlfriend had a kid. That means, unless you guys are super young or already up to your necks in kids, that she’s probably got a new body, a new self image and a whole new set of responsibilities. That’s gonna have an effect on someone’s feelings of self confidence which will, in turn have an effect on how someone acts while getting their hump on. It’s not just reasonable to give space to someone who’s going through huge adjustments like that, it’s pretty much the only decent thing to do. I mean, she blew out her guts and clam squeezing out your fucking kid, for fucks sake. Beat off for a while, you selfish bastard.
Now, that being said, you’ve got a whole new set of responsibilities too. You too are tired all the time and I’m guessing that before you had this baby, you were probably getting bj’s on at least a semi regular basis, right? Sure. Otherwise why complain now? Okay, so here you are with a kid and you’re tired and suddenly, on top of everything, your bedroom routine is all switched up too. The reasons are pretty unassailable (see the paragraph above) but it’s a bummer. Well, it should be, and here’s why:
You’re stuck with her now. You’ve got a kid. You probably entered into this commitment with an idea of how the fucking was and was going to be. Now that you’re roped in, for her to change the rules on you is not just fucked up, it’s misleading and borderline cruel. Sure, she’s tired. Sure her needs are different. Sure. BUT this shit’s a two way street. You’re tired too. Your needs are still there. Just because hers have changed doesn’t mean that yours suddenly go away. That’s not how shit works. Relationships involve compromise, be it heading to bed bath and beyond, pretending to like your boyfriends shitty band, dealing with parents and even (gasp!) giving the occasional beej while sleepy AND/OR going without the occasional beej when horny. It’s fucking KEY that you give and take like this, and communicate, man. Otherwise, you’re just gonna get resentful, and so’s she. And that’s not a recipe for exciting banging and beejing at ALL. That’s the recipe for cheating and disaster.
Now, if I can address the lady in question here (presuming that this dude is telling the truth about his girl’s fealty to the BSC cannon): Listen up! You’re not sick of giving blowjobs. I know this. Want me to prove it? Okay, think about this, if you were suddenly single and out with say, brad pitt or that fucking vampire dude or one of the Jonas brothers or that one waiter from the place you go for lunch or will smith or whoever blows your hair back, and shit started getting exciting, you’d blow him. Maybe just as a warm up, but you know it’d happen. If you were suddenly single and out there dating and shit started getting serious, you’d blow the dude. You’re sick of blowing THIS ONE PENIS, and that’s lame. Not fair. Boning and the trappings of boning should be fun and exciting, not some chore. And yeah, shit gets stale. That’s why it’s IMPORTANT AS HELL TO KEEP SHIT SPICEY! And listen good: that spice: blowjobs and the like, is a LOT more conducive to stable relationships and keeping people together than anything else on the earth. Think about it: People have kids to keep marriages together all the time, and how well does that work? Not at all. Conversely, people who CAN’T STAND each other still wind up going back for more and more great boning. It’s simple science. Therefore, talk, communicate make him wash his balls or whatever, and get back in there. You gotta, man.
Wow, who knew I’d come down on the side of blowjobs? I even surprise myself sometimes.
Anyway, everyone, here’s your homework. Get out there and blow someone (my parents are exempt from this assignment). You’ll be glad you did.
Good luck everyone!

25 comments:

chris said...

best homework assignment ever! I call giving BK one!

Candice said...

let's share chris. i'm in the mood for some harmonica.

Maximilian said...

well... i think the homework for guys should be to get blown. man, that would really be a good birthday present this weekend.

Andrew said...

christmas is around the corner too

Candice said...

Are my Monday, Wednesday, Friday blow jobs not good enough for you Andy? You greedy bastard.

wilddanimal said...

Trust me, I'm working on that tonight, my friend.

~die~ said...

BK,

You're so right!Even post baby, you've gotta take care of your man/partner!!! And vice-versa! I think I'll go home and blow my man when I get off work just to show him how much I love him.

Word verification: comiz. Cuming/jizz....That's what he'll be doing!

james bliss said...

this is too much, the new story about school bullying/social media involves a teenage juggulette!

http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/12/10/social.media.bullying/index.html

"A crowd of six to 10 classmates were following the self-described emo girl and her boyfriend home from school in Newark, Ohio, on an autumn day in September. Some kids were taping it and others were egging on the assailant, who was on the school wrestling team. It all started because Alexis Xanders doesn't like Insane Clown Posse."

dustyfloors said...

I'm going to go with Max on this one. I'm going to try and get blown. This will be interesting as I'm sick. Snotty, runny nose isn't conducive to beej's or boning is it? But I think if I help with dinner & exude some confidence (such as Beex suggests) I can get blown. I'll update here tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Drew said...

Best advice given thus far. More shit needs to get blown in this world!

As for me... I will be deep throating the shit out of the metaphorical cocks of my professors as I try and rush through writing the endless amounts of bullshit that is inaptly titled "finals." I can't think of a time where I have cared less about what I am supposed to care about, and just wanna go back home and not do shit for the next month!

FranklinStein said...

In an interview I read a few years back, I believe when Apathy came out, Chris said that he'd never received a blowjob. He ended the review saying something along the lines of, "Tonight I'm gonna go out there, shred some solos on stage, and try to get a blowjob..." Surely he's been blown since then.

Toto said...

it's been a month since i got my last blowjob, and i miss it a lot, i guess my girl never did it again because i came in her mouth without asking for permission, but man! i swear i did all the right noises and movements that indicated that i was about to come, I WAS BEING CLEAR ABOUT WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN, you know what i mean? so i thought it was ok to do it,so she continued blowing me and once i came she choked and cursed and was really upset about it, i mean, we have unprotected sex on a regular basis, but she won't swallow my semen,that's lame, the thing is she never blew me again ever since.
what am i supposed to do? say "hey dear, i'm about to come, take it out of your mouth and let me jizz you sweater",should i be more specific with pre-coming noises and movements?should i ring a bell(or clap twice) whenever i'm about to come?
i'm glad you mentioned it BK, it was starting to get on my nerves

Toto said...

and i didn't mean it was lame not to swallow, i'm not asking for a swallow, it's also ok to spit it afterwards, i mean, you get the point right?anyway, i'm getting too graphic here, sorry.

dustyfloors said...

@toto. Dude, I always just go with the "Oh yes, I'm gonna cum/blow/jizz/spit it," however you want to say it. That way it's positive reinforcement that she's doing a good job & also letting her know that if she's planning on spitting she might want to get that thing a bit shallower... Works pretty well in my experience.

FranklinStein said...

Toto,
The same fucking shit happened to me the other night, only the chick didn't choke. We've been dating for over a month and that was our first sexual act together. Afterward she said, "Gee, thanks for the warning." Fuck, I thought I was being obvious with my moans/movements. I was so fucking awkward after she said that; I floundered like I've never floundered before, epically failing to come up with the right words. I said shit like, "oh, i'm pretty inexperienced, i haven't dated someone in almost two years, i'm not familiar with proper blowjob etiquette...". I kept digging myself deeper into a hole. I've since explained myself better, but holy FUCK did she see me in my most awkward moment! She even said in the middle of my rambling, "are you okay?" and I left her place saying, "I swear, the next time we talk I won't be so awkward..." FUUUUUUCK!

Gabriel said...

Beex! What if his skeet tastes like chlorine or something? Not that I'm against a great beej, but isn't that a possiblity too? I've had complaints in that area from ONE girl I was with, all the others had no problem with the taste. What if the pre-jizz is just as bad? Makes her wanna vomit. Just sayin'.

Moxie. said...

Gabriel, some girls are nuts and make up lies to get out of blow jays.

fact.

Banana@1000MPH said...

Gabriel, there is only one solution. You must drink a huge jar of your own jizz (it needs to be a huge jar just to make sure) to see if she is lying.

Mark said...

I have never received(or given) a beej.


:(

Sylvester Trombone said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bridgett said...

Fellas, take it from a classy lady like myself: if you're gonna cum, say, "I'm gonna cum," and she'll put your dick where she wants it. If she doesn't, she's a dumb whore and she deserves what she gets. That being said, I'm just like the chick in the question, and I'm surprised my boyfriend didn't write it for me to read. Beex forgot to mention that it's a 2 way street, but it will be a dead end street if he's a d-bag all the time. Burn!

JSIN said...

Thanx for the BJ Beex. Lets just say Homework assignment done!

Toto said...

FranklinStein-
yeah i guess the moaning/moving isn't working out for us, and i don't really feel like talking while i have sex,i don't like dirty talking either, it just won't do it for me.
and all i could say was:"i thought you knew i was coming, sorry!" and i handed her my beer bottle so she could get rid of the "taste", to what she responded with a slap on my arm ( and spilled my beer), fuck.what a fucking shitty moment.

ghosttownblues said...

I will make it my personal mission to give some lucky son of a gun the best BJ he's ever had. That'll take care of at least one Christmas gift. Let's see if I can get my stocking stuffed, too.

Keri said...

beex, i don't usually give the bj's. my boyfriend, when we started dating, said he's never gotten off on beej alone and doesn't really like them. here's a perfect example of the give and the take. he knows i don't like them BUT sometimes, he feels as if he needs one before boning to perform to the best of his abilities. this is when i put my own personal comforts aside for the benefit of my dude. he usually pays me back with cunnilingus. we've got a good thing going, here.