Thursday, December 17, 2009

oh, I'm back, man. and good heavens...

Sheeeeit, it’s been a while, eh? Yeah, sure has. Well, here’s the thing: I’ve had a hell of a week. I’ve been doing some light recording and finding out important information regarding my future.
See, for the last couple of months, my wife’s just been getting bigger and bigger and finally, we said ‘fuck it’ and went to the doctor. Turns out she’s got a whole entire human girl baby growing inside her. What the fuck? I thought she was just kinda letting shit slide, though now that I think about it, I haven’t seen her have a drink since her birthday, which, well, that’s unusual I guess. Oh well. Hindsight and all that. So yeah, we found out all about this condition on Tuesday, which was pretty fun and then we went to an office party, which was LAAAAAAAAME, because no one got stupid and pulled out their tits or anything. Plus, they only served gin and sliders. That’s not an office party, that’s a death camp. To top it off, the chick I was talking to all night turned out to be pregnant. Ick.
Monday and Wednesday I went to my friend Justin’s house for a little recording sesh. I don’t know how much I’m at liberty to really spill the beans on this, so lets just say this is just a little project that’s ultimately gonna be fun to listen to but not really a big deal at all. I mean, you’ve already heard all these songs before. Granted, they’ve never been quite this awesome before, but well…yeah. Like I said, I’ll give you details as my overlords give the signal that it’s time.
Otherwise, I’ve been chilling. Gearing up for the holidays and all that. You guys know what you’re getting me for Christmas? I don’t want another two hundred candy cane dildos like last year. I’m still writing thank you notes for those.
Um, what else? Jesus, you’d think that the first two items on the agenda would fill up more space, right? Well, okay, here goes:
We were POSITIVE we were gonna have another boy. When the lady told us it was a girl, I think I blew a circuit in my brain. I seriously couldn’t even think or speak for like two hours. All our best laid plans were ruined. Names, for example. We don’t have girl names, or girl pajamas or girl toys or any idea how to change a girl’s diaper. I mean with a boy, you could, as I understand it, pack them beneath a solid inch of shit right up to their necks and essentially just hose em off and they’ll be fine. With a girl, jesus, you sneeze and she’s got an infection. Right? I don’t know, man. It's super duper cool, but it's also super duper complicated. Argh. Now that fucking Avril Lavigne song is in my head. man...
What if she’s ugly? Worse, what if she’s hot? I mean, good lord. All I know is that I have to pay attention to her because girls who get ignored by their dads wind up in the movies. And I’m not talking about Gone With the Wind here, people. I’m talking Fuck My Throat 29. AND, while I’m a firm believer in the benefits of the sex industry in general and I’m in no way trying to judge people who choose to work in it, I’ve got this lingering evolutionary tic that’s preventing me from wanting my daughter to be a porn actress. Remember when Chris Rock said that if you’re the dad of a little girl, you’ve got one job: Keep ‘em off the stripper pole? Yeah. Well, that’s true. It is. I mean, again, I’ve got nothing at all against strippers. Lord knows they’re doing, well, the lord’s work, but there’s just something between theory and practice that I can’t quite put my finger on that’s keeping me from being able to sign off on that just now. Maybe it’s because this particular daughter of mine is still so young. I mean, she’s negative five months at this point, so, maybe when she gets older, I’ll turn around on the whole thing and stop being so uptight, but for now, sheesh. I’m already paying attention to her in utero, asking her about her day and shit. AND, just like a fucking female child, she’s already ignoring me.
This shit is impossible. I’ve got enough to worry about. Justin’s coming into my work today with his mix of this new recording, which I did in a slightly unorthadox way, and if ultimately I’m not happy with it, I’m gonna feel like a grade A heel for thinking I could pull this all off so cavalierly.
Okay, you know what? This is all making me real nervous, so just forget we talked. I’ll holler at you guys tomorrow.
Um, yup. Cool.
Later.

42 comments:

Gregory said...

congrats man!

this does, however, mean no lawrence arms again for quite some time, doesn't it?

Kyle said...

Congrats Brendan.

Nina said...

Congratulations!

Jerky said...

Wohoo. Congrats BK and wife!

dustyfloors said...

Congrats!
That's awesome. Here's to not raising the next Chayse Evans...

John F. said...

Whoa, congrats, Brendan!

Candice said...

i know i congratulated you guys in chicago but congratulations again! a girl is so exciting!!

Maximilian said...

does candices comment mean you allready knew and just didn't know if it's a boy or girl or what?

and even though it makes me sad that this will mean no larry arms in europe for a long time i'm also happy for you and well...

congratulations man.

Candice said...

also, i had a dream last month that i was babysitting for you but you had a girl and not a boy. the baby's name was lucille. just a thought if you are looking for names. and further proof that i am a psychic/creepster.

Luke said...

Congratulations

chris said...

great entry!!!

congratulations brother. I started with a girl and it wasnt bad. get the balmex ready cause that shit storm your boy had the other day does a number on the girls!!

great points about parenting a girl too

J said...

Aw, congrats!

The only bad part of having a boy and girl (or girl and then a boy in my case) is not being able to re-use a lot of the same expensive crap you were given the first time around. My son gets wrapped up in a lot of left over pink, flowery blankets, and that's a different set of issues.

Jayzilla said...

kelly fam +1! congrats!!

i know jayzilla wouldve been an awesome name for the little dude youre not having this time, so feel free to save for the next round...

FranklinStein said...

goddamnit, i wanna hear these songs!!

Dugamancer said...

Congrats man!!!

planespotting said...

Don't give your daughter a trendy name like Madison or Addison or anything that's named after the capital of Wisconsin or a street/suburb in Illinois.

Stick with the classics. I'm talking about Beverly, Ruth, Phylis, etc ...

Okay, I kid about those names (although I hear grandma names are coming back).

Scott said...

congrats

Rhymes Akimbo said...

Congrats man!

Sean said...

you could always name her "Sasha Grey"

kylewagoner said...

Don't be a Jack Darymple. That's all! Oh, and that's exciting news. Just come on tour near here before you put shit on hold again! PWEASE!

love,
Kyle

Andrew said...

congrats bk

Bridgett said...

Dammit, the last time you said you had something really awesome, you made us wait for-fucking-ever for us to find out, and even then it got kinda fucked up.

Think you can pump out a few (million) shows in the next 4-5 months before Kid 2 comes? That'd be sweet.

PS: Girl diapers are easier because there's no junk to wipe around. Just remember: front to back. That shit's important.

Robb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Robb said...

Candice, that was actually a psychic shared dream in which I was little Lucille. Shit got fairly weird.

And congrats sir - I agree w/ planespotting to keep the name classY if not classIC per se. So NO Tashas, Sashas, or anything else 'asha', which will manifest the same results as fatherly neglect, without fail.

bk said...

With a son, you have to worry about one asshole. Whit a daughter, you have to worry about every asshole in town. Good luck with that, Pops.

Congrats.

Jake Regier said...

What if you named her Kelly? I'm just throwing it out there.

OPKOPete said...

When you have a son, you only have to warn him about one dick. When you have a daughter you have to warn her about every dick.

wilddanimal said...

Dude, you knew your wife was pregnant like last month and you seemed pretty cavalier about it. But you were (probably) drunk at a show.

karissa said...

Congratulations BK and fam!

Sickie27 said...

:D! BABY!

If you ever need help with raising a girl, just ask my dad. I think he did I pretty good job. Also, Yumiko is a beautiful name for a white female. Just sayin.

JSIN said...

Congratulations on the good news don't worry "It'll be fine". Could this new project be a cover band?

"you’ve already heard all these songs before. Granted, they’ve never been quite this awesome before"

Sean said...

maybe he's playing the songs acoustically.

Sean said...

............ or A cappella.

Lajoyce said...

Congrats Papa BK!

Drunken Acorn said...

congrats on the baby girl BK.

Banana@1000MPH said...

I forgot to read BSC today, but congrats on the recording and I'm stoked to hear your daughter.

Luke said...

Maybe it's a Christmas album?

Zach said...

Another kid? Really busting them out Nice work, are you guys Catholic now?

Capt Murdock said...

Congrats sir!

When is the lil' girl due? I myself have a 15 month old boy with another lil' boy due to hit our lives on March 27th!

...and I was positive we were having a girl and my main concern was the wipage. Gross!

Candice said...

congrats capt! visit us! we miss you in the drawer.

Moxie. said...

CONGRATS!!!! Babies are awesome. I think it's hysterical how much dudes freak out about being gentle with their daughters. When my boss's wife had their first baby girl he was a total wreck. It's fun, though. Just ask my dad. :)

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