Thursday, December 3, 2009

Poke her face.

I’m getting stood up by the fucking BBC as we speak. I’m, in theory, supposed to be conducting a live, on air interview with BBC 1 regarding (I’m guessing) how generally awesome I am, but they’re not calling. I tried getting in touch with my publicist, but she seems to be kind of ignoring me too. What’s going on here? I took the day off work for this shit, man. This is like that one twilight zone where I’m the same and everyone else is different. Right? Huh? Heh? Anything? Anyone? Fuckit.
Okay, Seinfeld references aside, the world’s most terrifying thing happened to me yesterday. My kid, who is usually very, very good about scooting down the stairs backwards decided to just fully go for it and step down the top stair outside our door while I was in the midst of pulling on my shoe. Guess what happened? Go on.
Nope. That’s really your guess? Come on. Correct answer: He fell down the stairs. It was his first stair falling and while he recovered just fine, except for some minor rugburn on the side of his nose, I was pretty shaken up about the whole thing for the entire day. I mean, I just keep seeing him tumbling down the (carpeted and not that many) stairs and just….man, yipes. I can’t even really talk about it here. It makes my hands shake. I know most of you don’t have kids and can’t relate to watching something so scary happen to someone you made that you’re in charge of not letting die, but let’s put it this way: You know when you’re in the midst of a good whack and suddenly your internet goes out and there you are, helpless watching your wiener just deflate with disappointment? It’s way, WAY worse than that. No shit.
Okay. So, on to bigger and better things. What did I promise to talk about today? Buttfucking, Lady Gaga, Felching and uh…Oh right: Buck Angel. No. Not Buck Angel (thank god). It was Juggalos. We’ve touched on Juggalos a lot lately, so let’s get it out of the way first: Stupid Juggalos. Eat some more pies, why don’tcha? Okay. That’s that. Up next: Felching.
Felching is revolting, but it’s a great word and it’s a great thing to talk about if you want to wig out the squares.
Next up: Lady Gaga. Her song should be called Butterface! Ha!!!!!! Man, I bet NO ONE has said that before. Funny little aside, in my band, the Lawrence Arms, we somehow all started calling each other Buthisfaces, which is funny, especially if you say it out loud. It’s particularly funny when you consider that all of us are much more buthisbodies than buthisfaces, or maybe we’re all more buthisbodyandfaces, or perhaps buthiseverythingbutthosegreatschlongs. Yeah. I think that’s pretty accurate. Also, I think that’s probably the category that Lady Gaga falls into, don’tcha think? Probly.
Okay. This is easy. Man. Next up: Buttfucking:
Best form of birth control there is. Period. Also, you’re still a virgin if you buttfuck. Did you know that? It’s true. SO, wanna stay pure in the eyes of your stupid Jesus? Well, just buttfuck your way to eternal bliss and happiness. In heaven, buttfucking is like shaking hands, but with your ass. Everyone just does it on the streets just to be polite. Not that you need to be polite in heaven. I mean, I’d like to think that if I ran into some dildo that I couldn’t stand up there, I’d be able to tell him exactly what I thought of him. It’s fucking heaven. I shouldn’t be limited by decorum, should I? Well, that’s probably a big part of the reason why I’ll end up in hell. That’s fine. I mean, there’s buttfucking in hell too. Know the difference? Gayness. Heard it here first kids. (side note: I once saw a gay dude wearing a shirt that said “fags hate god” and I thought that was pretty bad ass. Not gonna win a lot of popular opinion polls with that kind of rhetoric, but hey…God gets it, right? And after all, he DOES supposedly hate the, ahem, fags, so what’s the big deal? Tit for tat, right? Sure. Fine. Good.)
What’s next? Did buttfucking run its course? It did? Good. Up next is Buck Angel. Buck Angel is totally fucking mind meltingly disturbing but god bless him (him? Eh…I guess) for being out there freaking out the dorks…and everyone else, I guess. Good on ya, Buck Angel.
Ah, shit! I wasn’t even supposed to talk about Buck Angel today. That was a freebie kids. Enjoy it while you can. I’m gonna make breakfast and stare at the phone, hoping in vain for it to ring, in an imitation of what all of our mothers are doing right now.
Toodles. And thanks for all the good words. You kids are sweeties.
xoxoxox

34 comments:

nd said...

One time when my son was just learning to walk on his own, he got going at a pretty good clip, tripped over my (yes, my) feet and banged his face (nose, to be precise) on the front of the rocking chair. Same helpless feeling, but over much quicker I'm assuming. He was fine. Turns out kids that young have mostly cartilege in their noses so nothing was even broken.

Candice said...

I can't comment on the schlong situation because heartbreakingly I've never seen any of yours but you boys are anything but buthisfaces

~die~ said...

Don't feel bad Brendan, when my daughter was just a little baby, my husband let her roll off of the couch. He still feels bad about it even tho it wasn't even a foot fall. There's a lot more tumbles to follow. Hey, even God's have their flaws.

planespotting said...

I think in my first five years of life, I fell down a flight of stairs, had my elbows pulled out of their sockets twice (one for each arm), and had my collar brone broken by some jerk at daycare (actually he was a nice guy named Todd, who was one of the actual workers there ... he was carrying me around the play yard and tripped on a rock and we both took a tumble. My mom didn't even sue - how rad is that.)

Despite all that, my mom told me that the scariest thing she ever went through (including the shakes that you mentioned) was when I was an infant and she picked up a prescription for me at the clinic pharmacy after a doctor's appt. She drove home, and waiting AT OUR HOUSE for her was the hospital pharmacist, fucking scared out of his mind because he gave a much higher dose than was prescribed.

That's the stuff you should be worried about - whenever your kid has a prescription, make for goddamned sure that it jives with what the doctor prescribed. I work at the corporate office for a large pharmacy based in Chicago, and nearly all prescription errors can be headed off by a diligent parent/patient who reads the label on the bottle.

That's a lesson for everyone.

Jimmy Collyer said...

Whilst waiting for your phone to ring you should indulge eyes and ears with this video me and my friends made. It's pretty much us taking shots at frat guys for a contest. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qMnm0cUDQEk

Jayzilla said...

"You know when you’re in the midst of a good whack and suddenly your internet goes out and there you are, helpless watching your wiener just deflate with disappointment?"

i so do.....

Candice said...

isn't that the story of your life jay?

Nick said...

I remember my first stair-falling. Shit was wild, I'm pretty sure I put a crater into the wall with my head.

wilddanimal said...

I actually like Lady Gaga, but I also think it's funny to call her Lady Caca.

Mark said...

When I was two I tripped and slammed my head into my crib. Severed my bottom lip, had it sewn back on. It's still a little fat.

Picture of topless Juggalo anyone?
http://i45.tinypic.com/301k0uh.jpg
I'd hit it, despite the mass amount of Faygo.

laurabm said...

i've printed out candice's photo so i can finish without worrying about the compuer suddenly dying.
from one horn-doggie female to another, darling.

Candice said...

why thank you laura! i'm very flattered.

and i will be in boston next thursday and friday...

Blake said...

I was once a part of a band/movement that had a song that swept the nation entitled, "Buttsex = Safe Sex"

Jayzilla said...

totally candice--i hate when the wifi cuts out -- esp when i dont realize it and ive already left my currently loaded vid

Candice said...

you know what i hate jay? when someone masturbates while talking to me on the phone but doesn't tell me they're doing it.

Dugamancer said...

But Candice, what if it was a picture of you? and they were talking to you on the phone? better or worse?

Candice said...

better. much, much better.

i don't find it rude to masturbate while talking to me but you sure as hell better be masturbating to thoughts of me.

Nadine said...

lawl good times. great blog.

Dugamancer said...
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Dugamancer said...

hmmmm interesting candice. And what would make it even better? :) (I feel like a doctor asking too many questions, in which case that was my last question)

Candice said...

if i'm getting off too.

James said...

So, I watched this movie Five Dollars a Day the other night and holy shit the main dude looks like Chris. I present to you exhibit a (Alessandro Nivola): http://www.lahiguera.net/cinemania/actores/alessandro_nivola/fotos/2599/alessandro_nivola.jpg

and exhibit b (Chris):
http://content.answers.com/main/content/img/amg/pop_artists/DRP600/P650/P65051MOYB3.jpg

gadzooks!

Candice said...

They're both super hot

Bridgett said...

I routinely babysit my 3 year old niece often, and when she wipes out or smacks her head against stuff, I laugh. Then she laughs. When they do stuff to themselves, they're usually okay with it.

Drew said...

that fags hate god shirt was probably a limpwrist shirt...still to this day my favorite hardcore band!

JSIN said...

Yeah don't feel bad Brendan I let my daughter roll off the couch while changing her diaper when she was under a year. THANKS for spilling the beans babe~

Toto said...

Chris is one of those guys i would love to share a beer with, i'm drunk now, so i know what i'm saying, with BK too obviously, but that is obvious of course.you won't ever know what it's like to type while drunk and while "argentinian", i can't really write rigtht now, too much double checking, i won't double choeck, take it as it comes, i'm from Argentina, so suck it.it's really hard.but yeah...chris, that's gotta be one hell of a guy.

Toto said...
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Toto said...

sorry, i just got home, i feel like i'm going to explode, i don't know, too much catharsis in here i guess,i'm just writing whatever comes to mind. all this words feel useless, all this numbers and letters, this keyboard, they won't ever tell what it is like.oh man, i feel like shit,i fucking hate this shit.i fucking hate it.see you next time

laurabm said...

caaaaaandice-
word? what ya coming up to beantown for? three words: double.ended.dong.
is there a way to send me a message on blogger or something? (i'm new to this)

Candice said...

laura- fellow poster jayzilla and i are taking a mini-roadtrip thru massachusetts, rhode island, connecticut, and new jersey from thursday-monday. two nights in boston though and i'm pretty sure i can speak for him when i say that we are both up for some fun.

are you aware of the store grand opening and do you know if it's still open? i know that's where i used to get all my sex toys when i lived in boston for college.

laurabm said...

Where you guys staying? Email me girl- pcroxy7@ hotmail.com. Think that place is closed but there's a good vibrations in brookline and also the classic hubba hubba in cambridge.

J✫sh said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
J✫sh said...

I think I remember reading a BSC when your son first came into the world that you wouldn't talk about him because it was lame and cliche or something. What happened?