Monday, December 7, 2009

oh, hi mark.

There are some exciting things happening out there in the wasteland of modern pop culture, kids. Of course I’m referring to Jersey Shore, first and foremost. Have you seen this show? My friend Katie turned me onto it the other night, and it’s pretty wild. Essentially, they took a gigantic tub of gel and a gigantic can of axe body spray and a bunch of self tanner and put it in a house on the jersey shore along with about six apelike dagos, and their various nicknames and abs. There’s also alcohol. Did I mention that? Good. So you’ve got the setting right? A bunch of browned spiky greasy things grunting their way through a real-world like scenario each wearing so much cologne that you can actually smell it wafting out of your television. There’s punching, girl on girl hot tub action and everything else that you’ve come to expect from MTV’s reality experiments. The difference with this one is that it’s SO fucking racially motivated and it absolutely wallows in the most hilarious stereotypes. It’s a little bit like if they had “mexican house” and then went and gathered up a bunch of illegal immigrant busboys with mustaches and cowboy hats as their cultural representatives. I dunno…that actually seems better. Well, here’s the real thing that’s awesome about Jersey Shore: The ‘stars’ are so absolutely repellant that there’s no sense of guilt. It’s fun to watch these muscled sleeveless gold chain wearing hair gel hosts grunt around and try against all odds not to wind up pregnant or with a new strain of herpes.
The true genius of the show, however, is that they all fully recognize the stereotype and relish in it as well. They refer to themselves as “Guidos and guidettes” and they talk at length about the boons and benefits of hair gel, cologne, muscles, spray tans and tanning beds (one dude has a tanning bed in his fucking HOUSE…yeah, I said dude), lip gloss for the guys as well as the chicks and general perpetuation of the whole greasy dago subspecies. Therefore, you can’t really effectively hate on them. They know what they’re about. They’re into it. It’s like the whole theory about open relationships, if you can fuck other people, you’re not going to cheat. It’s kind of a bizarre loophole, but by gum! These guidos seem to have pulled it off.
Did I mention the punching? Oh, there’s punching.
Up next, pop cultural phenomenon The Room, a film that’s so amazingly amazing that I don’t even want to give anything away, but, well, I’ve got some space to fill here, so I’m going to. Okay, the room is the pet project of Tommy Wiseau, who wrote, directed, produced and starred in what can only be called the most transcendently awful piece of wonderful garbage ever brutally bludgeoned onto film (and digital video! He shot the whole movie with two cameras both on the same mount, which may explain the focus and framing problems that plague the movie [though Wiseau claims these are all artistic choices]). Here’s the thing. It’s a heavy drama about a love triangle, and it was expensive to make. It’s said that the budget was something crazy like six million bucks. But it’s hilarious. At its first screening in LA, Wiseau got limos, red carpet and the whole deal. By all accounts, people were rolling in the aisles laughing within the first ten minutes. It’s not a comedy, though. It’s a heavy drama. BUT, shamelessly, Wiseau decided to run with it, and he now claims that it’s funny on purpose and even the trailer now says something like “experience this hilarious dark comedy! It’s a riot!” But dude, there’s no way. Go to youtube and search “you’re tearing me apart lisa” or “oh, hi mark” if you want an idea of this shit. The clips are short and safe for work and all that, and man, we need to start getting into this shit. It’s now a cult phenomenon and it does midnight showings once a month in most major cities, and he’s there a lot of the time reading sonnets and doing q and a sessions. For real. Now it’s gaining momentum and there’s rocky horror like interaction that goes on. People toss spoons and dress up and the whole deal. Let’s go? Kay? Good. Oh, and Tommy Wiseau looks like the rock and roll attorney for the Scorpions or something. That won’t make sense until you see him. Then it will make perfect sense.
Yeah. So, what have we learned? Shamelessness is the key to great entertainment in these closing moments of the first decade of the new millennium. That, and….What else do Tommy Wiseau and the greaseballs on Jersey shore have in common? That’s right kids. Confidence! It goes a long way. Sometimes it can turn you into a folk hero just by being earnestly terrible and ballsy and sometimes it can get you a blumpkin right there in your shorehouse.
Shuddupayouface!

26 comments:

Kevin Burnett said...

I don't understand how women are attracted to dudes like that.

Candice said...

OMG i absolutely LOVE the room. it is by far the best worst movie i have ever seen. my roommate and i owned a copy of it and i made everyone who visited me watch it. the sex scenes are atrocious. please please please watch it if you haven't yet. or just look at this, it pretty much sums it up:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FRN9FpMkUbU

hi doggy!

Candice said...

also, i am italian and live in jersey but i want to be shot and killed if i ever refer to myself as a guidette, get a fake tan, or use excessive amounts of hairspray.

Dugamancer said...

Spoons!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WrVWz-u66mw

Mark said...

Oh, hi Brendan.

Moore Sketches! said...

here's some insane Tommy Wiseau stuff that was on Tim & Eric awesome show too... so messed up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4AHFJBV2a0Q

John F. said...

The Room really is a wonderful, fascinating, amazing film. I'm glad it's getting some face time here.

Bill Shakespeare said...

You gotta watch the horror movie 13 Seconds. Anybody seen this pitiful movie? I rented it on a whim at Blockbuster, and it is the funniest thing I've ever seen. The funniest part is how serious they try to be. I highly, highly recommend viewing this film.

Banana@1000MPH said...

I saw the title and then you started talking about Jersey Shore and I was upset, needless to say, you redeemed yourself by the end of the post.

While 6 million dollars is most definitely a lot, the only reason Lloyd Kaufman's movies are like 500,000 dollars is because he doesn't pay his actors shit and makes them work for like 20 hours every day and sleep on the floor of a church. I'm assume that Tommy actually paid his actors minimum wage and that is why it cost 6 million.

Moxie. said...

I'm from New Jersey and irish... i spend a lot of time hating these overperfumed douches.

helen k said...

i went to a showing in costa mesa two weeks ago, and mark came! football in hand and everything! apparently there's a showing fairly often in la that tommy goes to...

L said...

it's showing at the music box theater on december 26th. merry christmas to you?
http://www.musicboxtheatre.com/midnight/

Banana@1000MPH said...

Have you guys seen David Cross as Tommy Wiseau and H Jon Benjamin as Denny?:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49tksVHq6Ug

Robb said...

Banana, I'm pretty sure the actors know what they're in for when they sign on for any Lloyd Kaufman/Troma film. It's like a big family over there.

Anyone seen Primer? Now THAT'S a great microbudget indie sci-fi film. Budget...$7,000

amandatague said...

The other night while talking about Jersey Shore we reached the conclusion that guidos are just sort of like an Italian quasi-equivalent of Juggalos. Only instead of spraying each other with Faygo, they spray each other down with various gross cosmetic products. A few beverages later and we decided that there needed to be some sort of Juggalo-Guido Thunderdome. How do I make this happen? Do they still show fights on Pay-per-view? Can I profit from this?

Sylvester Trombone said...

Yes, Primer is amazing.

Banana@1000MPH said...

Robb, I agree that most people have an idea of what they're getting into with Lloyd Kaufman. More of what I was trying to get at is everyone hears the Room cost 6 million and then they all think that Tommy just kept 5.75 million for his own paycheck. Lloyd's motto is to put your money on the screen which makes a movie like the Room (that probably used a lot of budget on food and places to sleep and paying people), in comparison, look like it cost about 15 dollars to make.

Robb said...

QFT...speaking of Troma Netflix streaming is now on ps3 and I noticed there's a bunch of Troma on there, including Terror Firmer, which I shamefully haven't seen. Think I know what I'll be doing later this evening.

Eric Baskauskas said...

brendan, on saturday i noticed that you're a side-pocket wallet guy.

Bridgett said...

Tommy Wiseau was the creepy guy on Tim and Eric!

Speaking of juggalos, is there like, a juggalo primer on teh internetz somewhere? I referred to a 28 year old customer who is large and carries a cane (or 'pimp stick') as very juggalo-looking, and I got a lot of blank stares. I'm in Wisconsin, they're not uncommon.

PS: Go Packers, what?

Drunken Acorn said...

BK you forgot "The Fist Pump". How can you forget "The Fist Pump" it's the guido's main dance move. As for the best worst movie, did everyone forget the magic of American Ninja 2.

Bridgett said...

Drunken Acord, I think that's what the punching was about.

J.A.F. said...

I think I'm actually offended by parts of this post and some of these comments. Guido this guido that... Maybe we shouldn't throw that word around so nonchalantly? Just a thought.

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~die~ said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Andrew said...

lol tague