Man, I’m just starting this entry and this is the time when I’m usually finished.
Here’s some things I love about Christmas:
Eggnog- Finally someone figured out how to make a seasonal, dairy, alcoholic beverage that tastes exactly the same going down as it does coming up. I say ‘finally’ but I know, man. Eggnog has been around for a while. It’s revolting, is what it is. Each glass is the caloric equivalent of drinking a pureed big mac and it makes you fucking loopy. My wife likes eggnog and white Russians. I make her brush her teeth after drinking those things before I’ll kiss her. When it comes to liquids, I’m a vegan. Well, I drink Guinness, which I guess has a little bit of fish oil or something in it, but otherwise, no thanks. Milk? Ew. Eggnog? Barf. Egg Cream or gin fizz? Don’t make me sick. I’m not drinking eggs. That’s what rocky does in the morning as an example of how hard ass he is. I’m not a hard ass. I weigh one hundred and seventy pounds. No animal products (except bull semen, which is great in sarsaparilla [it’s called a Rocky Mountain Root Beer]) in my beverages, thanks. Eggnog, this means you.
Family- It’s trite, sure, but is there anything more crazy than getting a bunch of people who are required by some sort of galactic law to love each other but who don’t REALLY know each other that well, stuffing them into the house of the oldest living one of them, cramming them with food and beer all the while forcing everyone to be ridiculously cognizant of the fact that they’re supposed to be having the time of their life? Ah shit, there’s aunt what’s-her-name talking about the Rapture again. Wanna go get another tiny little Dixie cup of wine? Oh, and god help you if your attractive cousin is there. Someone’s gonna catch you staring and you’ll catch them catching you. At that moment, when your eyes lock with your creepy uncle’s, your brain will race, wondering what your face was doing, and wondering what he thinks he knows and then, my friends, the haunting of your soul will begin in earnest.
Plus, jesus Christ. Who the fuck are all these girlfriends and shit that people bring by? She’s really gonna be in the picture? Okay. Way to ruin the picture by putting a reminder of cousin Cliff’s inability to commit right next to your grandfather. Years later, she’ll be mistaken as a distant cousin, visiting from Witchita.
Buying shit- This is horrible. I love giving gifts, but I can’t stand the fact that around this time I just have to figure it out and GO! Everyone you know! Perfect gifts! Go! GO! GO! GO! Fuck these stores and these websites and Oh, MAN, FUCK that one guy who comes in to wherever you happen to be and says, “just finished all my Christmas shopping. You?” Good for you. Really.
I mean, one of the best life lessons I’ve ever learned was taught to me by my friend Matt. One day, out of the blue, he told me he had a gift for me. He then gave me a shirt that said “Old Fart’s Wife.” I love it to this day. When I asked what the occasion was, he told me that the shirt made him think of me, and that when you see something that you know someone would like (if it’s not like, you know, a boat or something ridiculous) you just HAVE to get it for them. Otherwise, what’s even the point of making the correlation? It’s true, and if you employ this simple maxim, and get shit for your friends when you see something you know they’d like, just because, you’ll be happy and other people will be appreciative. However, when I’m dazedly walking around walgreens at six am December 25th looking for something to get my wife because I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT SHE WANTS and then I see a cactus or something that maybe looks like it didn’t come from the drugstore and maybe I should just get two, because I don’t have shit for my mom either, well….That’s not gift giving. That’s the societal equivalent of throwing shit at things.
What else do I love about the holidays? Oh, air travel. Man, this is turning into a Bobby Collins stand up routine. What’s the deal with airline food? Man, it’s terrible. Oh, don’t get me started on how old people smell. Look, assholes. I was just gonna spend this here time rattling off my favorite euphemisms, but I got sidetracked.
Here’s a few quick ones
“We gave each other blow jobs” is a euphemism for “I put my dick in his butthole”
“I put my dick in his butthole” is a euphemism for “I fucked his dog while he was asleep”
And finally, “I fucked his dog while he was asleep” is a euphemism for “I snuck into his house and rubbed taco meat all over my balls and had his dog and mom lick off the spices while I videotaped the whole thing over his wedding video.”
What are your favorite euphemisms? Huh? Huh?
Have a nice weekend, assbandits.