Friday, June 25, 2010

as promised!

People like to fuck all sorts of different ways and they like to fuck all sorts of different things. Sometimes this is the result of not having something that you actually want to fuck nearby, and sometimes it’s something else. I’ve told you before about my friend who used to heat up baloney in the microwave and then line the hole in his couch with it. Remember?

Now, this DOES sound totally awesome, but I’d bet any amount of money that if there was a regular, even marginally attractive human woman nearby who was ready and willing to bone/be boned, he wouldn’t have wasted all his time/baloney creating this highly kick ass, highly complex vaginal Golem.

Likewise, those shepherds that end up having relations with their sheep out there on the lonely plains, are they doing it because there are no women around? Are they doing it because of some bizarre reverse Stockholm syndrome type deal or are they doing it because they really love sheep more than they love women? I actually think any of these answers make sense.

I mean, if you really REALLY want to bang sheep and you’ve known about this desire since you were young, what better career to get into than lonely shepherd, right? It’s a no brainer. Similarly, the personification of animals is so common even with pets, even with zoo animals that you don’t know at all, that when you’re out there under the new Zealand sky with no one around for miles, damn straight you’re gonna assign personalities and develop close relationsheeps, and those could, over time, due to massive loneliness, eventually turn romantic, I suppose.

And finally, of course, there’s almost no stretch of the imagination at all needed to understand that once a guy’s been standing out in the middle of nowhere with no decent looking women around, he may just eventually fuck the closest approximation to a decent looking woman, be she the kind of sloppy girl at the end of the hotel bar, the gender bending tranny in your office or even, in extreme cases, the sheep you’ve hung out with for the past few weeks. I dunno, man. I’m just saying, people end up fucking weird things for a variety of reasons, not all of which are really fetishes, per se.

Now, the other day I was listening to Howard Stern and there was a woman and her boyfriend on who were ‘working together’ towards the goal of her weighing one thousand pounds. Apparently, he’s a fat fetishist and a feeder, which is something we’ll get to in a minute, and she’s already really fat and kind of likes the challenge of becoming gigantic I guess. I don’t really clearly understand the whole thing. It was VERY disturbing, to put it mildly.

Okay, so firstly, feeders: these are guys (I guess they could be girls too) who love fat and keep feeding and feeding their uh…what do you call them, receptacle partners? That’ll do. So they feed these people and care for them and the goal, ostensibly, from what these people were kind of hinting at, is that eventually the receptacle will be too fat to do anything and the feeder will have to bathe them, wipe their asses, go out to the store, and do everything for them, as the extreme fatness will render them totally helpless.

This, to me, mind you, and I’m not trying to shit on people’s choices here, but this is so fucked up to me that I can’t even really process it.

I mean, infantilism is a big thing (well, it’s probably not that big of a thing…but it’s out there) and that’s kind of similar, but it’s all simulated. Infantilism, for you squares out there, is when you get off on wearing a diaper and being a baby. Your ‘caregiver’ has to do everything for you and you’re pretty helpless. Now, again, this is a much easier thing to wake up one morning and decide you don’t want to do anymore than being so obese that you can’t even get to the kitchen to make yourself a feedbag of pancakes.

I dunno, as I think about it, helplessness and control are two really, really common aspects of fetishism, aren’t they? That’s BDSM in a nutshell, and slave play and all that stuff. Lots of people like to be locked in cages like dogs, kept in the closets and stuff. I actually know a full time slave (I’m not kidding, believe it or not) and she seems totally stoked. Once I watched her kneel down with her mouth open while her mistress (referred to as “the goddess”) used her mouth/face area as an ashtray. And hey! That’s great! If that’s the shit that gets yer crank turning, good on ya. Lord knows that anything that both people can agree is okay is a lot better than (for example) the guy that tries out the surprise facial blast on his unsuspecting partner because in his porn collection it seems like the girls like it (they do not, by the way). But the feeding thing seems icky to me for whatever reason. It’s fucking up her health and i dunno…it seems like mind control or something.

I guess maybe I’m just a square. I mean, I have no fetishes to speak of. I guess I could be classified as a pictophiliac, which is, according to definition, someone who is aroused by watching x rated films, but that’s kind of a half stepping version of a fetish, innit? I mean, I’m also aroused by naked women’s butts and boobs and vaginas and the notion that I may be about to have sex. Are those fetishes? I don’t really think so.

Just for fun, here are some good fetishes I came across today, just snooping around the interweb:

Formicophilia is arousal by bugs and insects crawling on your vagina/wang. That’s pretty cool.

Apotemonofilia- this is arousal by amputation either of ones self or someone else. Apparently, you get your arm hacked off and the memory of it is enough to keep you whacking off for years to come. I guess when the excitement wears off, you have to hack off the other arm and learn to jack yourself off with your feet.

There were those guys in Germany who met via some kind of craigslist deal where the one guy wanted the other guy to eat him and they videoed the whole thing. Remember that? The first thing they did was hack off the one dude’s wang and fry it in butter and eat it together. That’s so gnarly. I mean, eating human dick is unappetizing to me, sure. But that’s not the part of this that really gets my stomach turning. The notion that these guys are there, eating this dick, talking about the weather or the stock market or whatever you talk about while you’re eating your own (or a strangers) sautéed penis; all the while there’s gotta be BLOOD EVERYWHERE! I mean, all over the frying pan and the kitchen tiles and then there’s this guy at the table who’s got a hole where his dick was about ten minutes ago, and that’s gotta be bleeding like crazy. it’s so fucking gross to me, but again…different strokes for different folks I guess. but still, ew.
I dunno. This topic is rich for exploration. Let’s not call this goodbye, just bye for now, eh? Good.

xoxoxox

22 comments:

Jimmy Collyer said...

An awkward breakfast conversation......
dude one says "Man, I don't want to go to work today." Dude two says "That sucks. Can you pass me the eggs and your fried penis?"

Candice said...

not everyone dislikes the surprise facial.

Scott said...

"relationsheeps"

that hidden word play pretty much made my day

dustyfloors said...

I concur with Scott.

Gregory said...

good christ! i was eating some lovely bacon perogie's a minute ago and then i read about the dick in butter. i now feel like those perogies will make another apperance

Banana@1000MPH said...

Maybe, while feeders don't admit it, they are also necrophiliacs and while they're into fatness and helplessness, their ultimate goal is to kill the person so they can have sex with the dead body.
Please, feeders, don't kill me for saying this probably untrue thing (and after killing me, don't fuck my dead body).

Trace said...

If that fatty is the same one I read about a month or so ago, then she's the one who has a website where you can pay her to eat things. I'm not really sure of the parameters, but it's kind of fucked up. I think the whole thing is that she can't afford to eat all the food it would require to reach 1,000 lbs on her own and she thinks that maybe people out there would think it's cool to buy her cheeseburgers and watch her eat them. I'd pay her $200 to eat a live grenade and see what happens. I'm betting on mild indigestion at best, this bitch is too big to be taken down by a grenade.

And ya know what, her boyfriend/husband/whatever is almost more disgusting, because he's advocating what will surely lead to this creatures death. Dick.

Crooks said...

Isn't Feedbag Of Pancakes opening for Esoteric Symbolism at SubT this weekend?

limited nobility said...

God I hope someone who doesnt know about his dietary proclivities gets pissed at that dude and tells him to "go eat a dick".That would be probably the hardest "been there done that" riposte ever uttered.

Moxie. said...

the real question is how the fuck do people find other people into this stuff? I blame the internet for stuff like this. and furries. and the impending holocaust.

This whole post reminds me of the Simpsons episode where he got so obese he could work from home for disability purposes. does this woman at least get that perk?!

Robb said...

The other day I happened on this comment on punk news and the dude was all like "i had to stop reading bsc to maintain my image of bk as a nice down to earth guy, b/c the blog makes him seem 'more obnoxious than fat mike'." So I was thinking like, 'I didn't know 13 yr old Russian chess prodigies with sickle-cell anemia read punknews'. What a pussy willow.

Robb said...

addendum: 'middle aged librarian with osteogenesis imperfecta' may be funnier substitute for sickle cell chess prodigy i'll leave it to your discretion sir

Robb said...

is this our hottie?

Zac said...

ugh. i don't want to eat or bone today.

and i think the worst part about those germans is how it was prearranged and negotiated via the internet. what a shithole of a place, the internet.

Jayzilla said...

friday posts rule

Todd said...

Here is a video of a chimp using a frog as a fleshlight:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVE60zwXx1k

Watching this video is my fetish.

Nico said...

the funniest part about the Arman Meiwes story (the cannibal) is that when he fried up the dong, he fucked up and burned the thing, so it wasn't really edible anyway. I'd be pretty pissed if someone made a mess of cooking up my dick. It's not really like you get a second chance there.

Steve said...

You guys ever heard of this Lonesome George? He's the last of his species of Galapagos tortoises. The fact a Swiss scientist chick came in to jerk the tortoise is beyond this videos weight in gold.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JyOLK3QVprE&feature=fvw

Bridgett said...

"I guess I could be classified as a pictophiliac, which is, according to definition, someone who is aroused by watching x rated films, but that’s kind of a half stepping version of a fetish, innit?"

It's only a fetish if you absolutely can not get off unless you are watching porn. So sex with the wife wouldn't get you there unless some porn was on in the background.

Kev said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Robb said...

Wow Deth Red Sabaoth is pretty good yallz.
And Todd, looks like you win internet, because I'm pretty sure that's the best thing on it.

江婷 said...

知識可以傳授,智慧卻不行。每個人必須成為他自己。......................................................................