Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Nice board/moves, bro.

On this one episode of Miami Ink, this slightly tubby girl gets to live out her “dream” of being tattooed by Chris Nunez, whom she refers to as the sexiest man alive. In attempting to put her best foot forward, she wears her favorite lip ring to her appointment. The ring in question is basically a Christmas ornament, in that it’s a hook with a ball hanging off her lip. It’s one of the most unflattering, fucked up pieces of facial adornment I’ve ever seen (and that’s saying something, since poking holes in your face tends to just make you uglier as a general rule [sorry, but it’s true]) and Chris Nunez, the sexiest man alive, cannot conceal his revulsion in the face of this hideous thing dangling off this woman’s lip. She becomes so self conscious that she eventually removes the thing, thereby finally approximating something resembling a dignified appearance and the show moved on. But I’ve never forgotten that lip ring.

This is a big problem for people, especially young people, namely: doing things that are actively terrible under the mistaken impression that they’re kick ass. I’d like to visit a couple of these moves this afternoon. Now, this list is by no means exhaustive and of course, if you find yourself to be someone that’s doing something on this list, well, oops for you. Let’s begin:

Riding Longboards around Chicago (or any city without hills): Now, I’m not trying to suggest that the longboard isn’t cool. Well, that’s not entirely true. If we’re being really honest, the longboard ISN’T cool, but it’s got its place and that place is carving down hills and generally being kind of under awesome old dudes who are just cruising around, probably somewhere with hills that’s kind of unpopulated. That’s pretty acceptable. However, when you’re some dickneck with flipflops cruising down clark street, you aren’t acceptable at all. You’re a dingus and you’ve got the wrong tools for the job at hand. You can’t do a kickturn on a longboard. You can’t go up and down curbs on a longboard. You look like a dildo on your longboard in Chicago, where there are no hills and you cant really carve due to traffic and narrow bike lanes. Riding the longboard around Chicago is like wearing a helmet to your job as a barista. it’s inappropriate, unnecessary and dumb lookin. unless you’re retarded, in which case, nice one.

Tattoos of tattoos or piercings- This should really kind of go without saying, but structuralist postmodernism doesn’t work everywhere, so your tattoo of the cool dude with the tribal armband, it’s wack, bro. Sorry. Similarly, I know a dude who’s got a full sleeve of tattoos of various piercing barbells. It’s lame. no. it’s worse than lame. it’s icky. aren’t all the piercings you’ve got enough evidence that you’re into “body mod” (nice term, by the way), without getting the drawings of all that shit that’s hanging out of your face on your arm? Now, I would have included massive facial piercings and ear-pussying (or stretching) on this list too, but there are people who legitimately dig this for some crazy reason, and therefore, that would have to be part of another list that I’d call something like “shit that is gross but still inexplicably popular among weirdos” or something like that.

Being a guy and telling girls that you’re into pussy eating as a way of making yourself seem more sexually attractive to them- Have I written about this before? I think I have. This is actually a move that dudes tend to think will work on women though, so this bears repeating: This will NEVER work on a human woman. EVER. I know, there’s this thing in guys where, when a woman talks about how she likes to give head, we find her instantly more attractive. It doesn’t work the other way. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. Talking casually about how much you like to eat pussy is up there on the pussy repellant scale with wearing sandals or just kicking it with an open sore on your face. It just is. Sorry.

Telling people to their face what you don’t like about them (unsolicited) because you think it will make you seem ‘real’- Come on. No one likes being insulted. There’s no time when unsolicited criticism is gonna come across as anything other than a dick move, every time. Oh, you don’t like Wayne’s new girlfriend? Well, shut up about it. You think that your buddy’s band sucks? Keep it to yourself (or better yet, talk about it with your friends behind his back). The new sweater your homegirl really likes that makes her look wide? Tell her you love it. Honesty as a relationship strengthener is a myth put forth by movies, similar to the Terminator and Jesus (which would make a great buddy film, actually). In reality, when your roommate cooks for you, you say it’s good. When your friend’s band sucks ass, you go to the shows and you cheer and say nice things. When you catch your wife drooling over christiano Ronaldo and she quickly composes herself and assures you that you’re better looking than he is, you just pretend that you believe her even though her lies are terrible and insulting. Anything else is just tearing away at the tiny little modicum of civilized decency we still have here, folks.

Look, late start today and I gotta go. More on this later.


Scott said...

calling sandals "pussy repellent" pretty much made my day and caused me to once again laugh at the douche i work with who wears white flip-flops to the office. (I assume because he thinks it looks cool when he is hitting on the married girls)

planespotting said...

White flip flops on a dude? ha ha.

Flip flops are like the only acceptable open-toed footwear for males. Anything else just looks ridiculous.

(I'm sure there are folks out there who think flip flops on dudes are ridiculous, but come on - it's a very pervasive style of footwear that lots of dudes like to sport.)

Banana@1000MPH said...

I trust the BSC, Brendan, but sometimes I can't help, but see it as a challenge and I kind of want to be able to say "despite what Brendan wrote, I totally got laid by telling some girl that I liked to eat pussy!"

I probably won't though.

Candice said...

"Being a guy and telling girls that you’re into pussy eating as a way of making yourself seem more sexually attractive to them"

dead on with that one. creeps me out.

Johno said...
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Drunken Acorn said...

What about Crocs? They're not sandals.

Nick said...

Note to self: Bring shortboard if I ever end up in Chicago or Brendan won't think I'm cool.

Owner Operator said...

i havent skated a short board in forever. i'm not into the kick flip board slide nolie shovit shit anymores. i could never really do it that well anyway.

and tony hawk 3 ruined it for me anyway cos i was thinknig to myself "why cant i ollie that car, i can on tony hawks" and then some guy would start chasing me for repeatedly throwing myself into his car on a skateboard...

my city has some good hills to hit on my long board (which is actually shorter than my short board [but it's way heavy with big wheels and all that jazz]) but they are always busy with cars. still gotta hit that but bro.

your idea with women (confidence) transfers to bombing hills too. if i'm with mates and tehy're all like "that hill is gnarly we cant do that hey" i'll just, without saying anything, jump on and go it. if i come off and kill myself it still doesn't matter cos they'll all be like "shit man, it's not that bad" but usually i make it (out of pure fear of having to pick glass and shit outa my face) and then they're like "fuck yeah!!! wooohooO!" and we bomb the hill for a while trying different lines etc.
confidence my man. CONFIDENCE!

what am i going on about? i jsut lost track. oh yeah, come to Perth and bomb some hills with me. then play a show. bring ya mrs and spawn. we'll make a family outing of it (you me her and the kids :S)


oi, whens this dvd come out fuck?

Good News said...

Here is the Jesus/Terminator movie! Some good shit...

dustyfloors said...

I NEVER understand when I see someone cruising down Broadway on a long board nearly hitting parked cars or getting hit by traffic. I feel like they've gotta be terrified but are trying to play it off as "Dude, I'm cool. Just cruisin, bro namath."

I think the "pussy eating" thing might work if you're trying to bang Snookie... Maybe.

Maximilian said...

brendan, i seriously love all your posts, but this one was the best in a long fucking time. maybe not for everyone (come on, that's no german insult), but i can relate to many things you said.

at first i'll start wit the label. being the drunkest guy in the room. cause i did some drinking with some friends i haven't seen in a while and wen't drinking with them today. well... i see now that this doesn't make sense cause i say drinking twice..... but we'll come to this point.....

by now i AM the drunkest person in the room. not only because everyone's gone but i was the one the whole evening.

allright? on to the next thing:

the longboard stuff. i don't know how it is in those big cities. i live in a shithole. but i've got some friends who drive longboards around, not down the hills. actually most boards of them are build by a friend of mine. and i can't believe what an awesome work he did with that. it did sound ridiculous the way he bulidt them, but it kind of worked. they're fantastic quality. i'd actually like to start riding them a ´s well.

than we come to that tattoo thing where i don't have anything to say about.

than there's this pussy eating stuff. any socks, avoid danimal from reading this.

and there's the last part. i actually can take if some tells me he hates me. but i'd like to know a reason. there's one guy in my town. he's good friends to really good friends of mine. but to me he acts just like an asshole. and i`d be ok, if i had anything done to deserve it. maybe i forgot it drunk, but than he could tell me if i ask. if not he's a childish dick in my opinion, am i right?

Maximilian said...
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Maximilian said...

god i shouldn't post while drunk

Candice said...

please never stop your drunk posting, max.

Bridgett said...

"Being a guy and telling girls that you’re into pussy eating as a way of making yourself seem more sexually attractive to them"

This is so true. Here's why: if you are a smoker, and you make out with someone that isn't a smoker, they'll probably notice the taste. Every male I've ever known that says such silly phrases like this does not understand that if a female wanted to know what her vajay tastes like, she'd find out, but she does not need a dude to spend 20 minutes pretending he is hot shit and knows what he's doing only to try and make out with her right after.

Moxie. said...

omg cristiano ronaldo.

that's all.

Maximilian said...

Yeah, this place is pretty much Pleasure Island. You can get high, see some tits, blow up a panther, take a boat down to big dicks and get some hookers and if you’re lucky, meet one of the many super wealthy (often incredibly famous) people who summer here. I swear, this whole zone is so fucking odd that I don’t even have an easily expressible opinion. I mean, the meth part is bad. The tits part, great. The tigers, um…bad (but awesome). The zoning laws and fireworks, kind of scary but in an exciting way, like how you can’t buy condoms in Belfast: There’s an upside and a downside. What else? Oh yeah. I dig the Mennonites and their pies and their delicious cows. I hate all hippies, and here they seem particularly useless since there’s no authority to really rail against.

i really loved this post. could be my drunkeness.... or just cause it's awesome. anyway it was awesome. and i'm drunk. maybe i think it's awesome therefor. but i don't think. or do.