Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Do you Billie Holiday? I love him!

Tonight! Risque Café at Clark and Sheffield in Chicago! Punk Rock Tuesdays: Hosted By me (Brendan Kelly of the super awesome Bad Sandwich Chronicles and some outlying Chicago punk rock acts).
Two buck cans of Hamms! Punk Rock music! Go Go Dancers! (this last one is supposed to be happening starting tonight. Sensual delights! No foolin!) Cheap food! Cheap thrills! Other awesome specials to be announced tonight, including one that’s (no shit) so awesome I can’t even put it in print, because advertising it is (again, no shit) illegal! But it’s not illegal for me to tell you what it is if you come in, so see you fucks there! In the words of Phil Collins: “Tonight, tonight, tonight! Woah.”

Okay, just throwing that out there. Oh, and I’m gonna be special guest bartending at the L and L tavern this Saturday. That’s right, turdlets! Finally, your Lawrence Arms themed vacation to boystown will be complete as you sit in a dank pit with losers like me and take shots of whatever cheap whiskey Kenny fills up the bottles of Tullamore Dew with. We’ll talk more about that later.

On to the real shit:

So, my friend from Norway needs a primer on who Slipknot is/was. He’s, like all of us, shocked by the tragic passing of the one that they call uh…I dunno, number six(?), and who wears the…again, um, scary clown mask(?) and who played the bass in Slipknot before finally heading off to that ultimate mosh in the heavens (hells?) just last week. He was young, the whole thing’s sad and well, the people in the world who don’t know exactly what’s meant by the descriptors that slipknot conjures (‘maggots’ and ‘horror masks’ were two terms that seem to have most befuddled my Norwegian contemporary) need some clarification if they’re ever to get any closure, so quickly, here’s what slipknot is:

Slipknot is a group of ten (yes, ten) hicks from Iowa who are presumably so ugly that they must constantly wear masks. The masks are disturbing to behold and those who wear them take great pride in describing how disgusting the insides of their masks are, often noting in interviews what bodily fluid encrusts the insides of which masks (things like “oh, bro, the clown doctor mask is covered inside with my bloody snot and barf!” [really!]). For the first large chunk of their careers (henceforth referred to as the “nookie” era) they didn’t let anyone see them without masks, which, well…I guess it’s cool. They could all just go party right amongst their people after the show and not worry about having to deal with punishers or potentially having tons of cheap and easy (but likely VERY disgusting) pussy thrown their direction…so, uh, maybe that’s a bad idea too.

Well, they figured that out eventually and all took off the masks for some highly anticipated (not really) side projects, but that’s beside the point, if you’ll pardon that slight pun.

Slipknot is into horror, the singer dude calls the fans maggots and they usually all wear orange prison jumpsuits on stage along with their masks (Oh relax, slipknot fan! I’m sure they’ve evolved wonderfully since the nookie era, but I’m telling these folks what is relevant as far as when they were huge). They all go by numbers, not names, they are numbers 0-9, and they have a dj (number 0) and a couple of percussionists besides the drummer. The whole thing’s pretty fucking goofy but kind of undeniable in that visceral tribal way.

Oh, and they kind of suck. And their side projects (remember that “Brother song from spider man? eeew.) were worse. Now the bass player’s dead and well, that’s sad. Bummer. Um…so yeah, that’s slipknot in a nutshell. Everyone good? Good.

It’s funny, the deaths of celebrities bring out all this crazy mysticism in everyone, particularly the ‘it always happens in threes’ thing. This one has been getting bandied about lately with the recent passing of Gary Coleman and Dennis Hopper. Let’s ignore for a moment the huge disparity in the careers of these two thespians, they were both actors and both iconic in their own way, so it’s safe to say that their deaths occurring in the same week constitute two out of the perceived triad of dead famous folk, right? So who’s the third? Are they dead yet, or is it one of the folks that died recently that we’re forgetting about because our iphone porn and GPS systems have reduced our generation to having the memory capacity of goldfish? It’s a tricky question.

How about Britney Murphy’s dead husband. That’s a crazy one, right? I mean, that’s like how your grandma dies and then your grandpa just gives up and goes the next month…but these two were roughly my age. Fucked up. And that guy’s not really famous. If anything, he goes in the ‘three’ that she’s in, which means the third one is still walking around out there, one line of strawberry coke away from the great hereafter. Watch out semi famous women constantly hounded by tabloids about your weight, erratic behavior and bad choices of men (I’m looking at you, everyone!), because you, or your greasy older husband could complete that trio of death. Speaking of ‘trios’…

what about Dio? He’s as famous as Gary and Dennis, right? Well, maybe not, but he’s close. Of course, if you’re the kind of guy who has a bald top of your head and a long, luxurious and cascading ponytail and you maybe have at least one action figure in the original box, well, you probably would tend to group Dio with the dude from Slipknot before you’d place him with Gary Coleman, right? And if you’re just a pot smoking fifty something, you’d probably put him with Dennis Hopper, but that leaves two different pairs, three if you count Britney Murphy and what’shisdong, and no trios…Nothing’ s happening in threes, cosmos…I’m a little disappointed.

Oh, wait! Is it thee pairs of dead celebs? That seems a little needlessly complex, doesn’t it? Is that guy from slipknot really even fit to hold Dio’s jockstrap? Is Britney Murphy’s dead husband even fit to hold gary coleman’s jockstrap? And fuck, man, Chris Haney, the co-inventor of trivial pursuit died too! What about him?

He completes a nerd duo with Dio but then we have to match the slipknot bassist up with Britney murphy’s husband to keep the pairs going, which makes sense since they were neither one famous themselves, but what they were in was famous. So that works. Who’s left? Dennis Hopper and Gary Coleman. That’s nice. What about Brittney Murphy though? Fuck.

The moral, kids, is that death is all around us. Some people celebrate it, like those barf encrusted maggots in slipknot, and some people ignore it, like Gary Coleman…nah. That doesn’t quite match up, does it? I dunno, folks. Just be cool. It seems like jesus is pissed at us. Don’t walk under any safes hanging from ropes or open windows with anvils balanced on the sill on the way to see me tonight, at the Risque café for punk rock night, kay? Good deal.

Later turds.

25 comments:

Neil said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Neilchair said...

The trio of pairings becomes even more interesting when you consider the horrific, krazee and (I would imagine) extremely messy murder/death (both muder AND death!) of the dude who was a writer on Thundercats (and also bore a startling resemblence to the Blue one). That means somehow Britney Murphy, her husband, Dio, Slipknot #, Coleman, Haney and Dennis Hopper all have to be paired up.
... I'm gonna need a spreadsheet.

Moore Sketches! said...

what about art linkletter? that's a dead guy... that also can't be linked anywhere... maybe there will be like 10 more deaths to make sense of this death mess.

Marathon States said...

Naked pics of the lead singer from Paramore leaking onto the internet. Your thoughts, please.

Neilchair said...

@ Marathon States:
Is that the one with the red hair, or the beard? I can never remember.

Eric said...

@ marathon states

nice tits...

Daniel said...

Is punk rock night 17+, cuz I wanna go. And yes nice tits

Nico said...

I would give my proverbial balls to go to one of those punk rock evenings. It sounds awesome.

And dudes, stop being lame and just post a link for those nudes already.

amanda.bree said...

Nice Clueless quote

Marathon States said...

http://theblemish.com/2010/05/hayley-williams-of-paramore-twitpicd-nudes-of-herself/hayley-williams-nude-00/

Robb said...

I'd rather see the chick from Damone nekked

Hamilton Martin said...

No one can hold DIO's jockstrap!

limited nobility said...

That photo was meant only for the eyes of the guitarist for new found glory but she instead sent it to a huge mass of her twitter followers then immediately claimed she'd been hacked.That said,nice composition.Its got a terry richardson vibe......goofy "woman"!Most of the feminine pronouns do have mocking,but not necessarily misogynistic undertones

Kevin Burnett said...

This made me laugh. Well done sir...

"but then we have to match the slipknot bassist up with Britney murphy’s husband to keep the pairs going, which makes sense since they were neither one famous themselves, but what they were in was famous."

Mary said...

@limited nobility
Street slang is an increasingly valid form of expression

Made my day =D

Karen Kitten Cupcake Sweet said...

I ate so much pussy my beard looked like a glazed donut -Dennis Hopper

one of the funniest quotes i could think of from mr.hopper.

kylewagoner said...

I feel bad for Hayley...'cause that shit'll haunt her! At least, for her sake, it was just one nipple, right? Okay, so I have this friend from Chicago named Warren Franklin (he plays acoustic guitar if anyone from there has heard of him) and he's telling me this story about how he took this girl out to dinner once. Well, Paramore was playing in the town he took her out to eat in. So he sits in this booth with this girl and she's sitting across from him. Well after they sit down for a while, Paramore walks in the restaurant and they sit in the booth behind the girl that Warren is on a date with. Well THEN "Misery Business" comes on the radio. The girl says, "I HAAATE Paramore. I just can't STAND the girl's voice." And Warren said to us while telling the story, "Part of me wanted to say something, but then the other part of me just let it go." After a minute, he texted her saying, "Paramore are RIGHT behind you." She, of course, thought that he was joking until she saw for herself. I thought that was the most ironic real-life story I've ever heard like that. He apologized to Paramore for her and talked with them a little while she was in the bathroom or something. Said they're pretty cool guys and chick. And NOW her titty is online!

love,
Kyle

Marathon States said...

Actually Kyle, that link I posted was the first I could find. It's actually both Ti-tays. The one posted was just cropped poorly.

Neilchair said...

...and lo, the likely topic of the Mr. Kelly's next blog 'twas discovered.

Eric said...

I cant believe you said "lo" that rules fellow sock

Kevin Burnett said...

I guess Punk Rock Tuesdays till 2 means no BSC till Thursday. Oh well. GO FLYERS!!!!

Sean said...

Do any other fellow Chicagoans feel pretty bored with all of the fair-weather fans going nuts for the Hawks?

I know it's good to root on your hometeam and all, but acting like you've always been the biggest diehard fan and would give up a kidney for these guys... I dunno.

Maybe it's just cuz I'm not that into sports... but jesus fucking christ, give it a rest, eh?

That being said, not everyone falls into this category, but alot of douchey bros and/or slutty skanks seem to represent this particular group. Ugh.

Brian said...

Don't start the fucking "fair weather fan" bullshit. People are happy to see a Chicago team doing something. Everyone has been caught up on saying the Cubs will win. This happens every year. Hello?! the cubs fucking blow. Let people be happy that their city's team is winning something big.

Blake said...

Yeah, Sean! You fucking DICK. This happens in every city, so get over it.

/beingadickonlybecauseyouaresohandsome.

Candice said...

blanche from the golden girls died. she was the slutty one. where does she fit in?