Tuesday, June 8, 2010

mother! Can you keep 'em in the dark for life?

So yeah. Tonight at Risque Café, I’ll be hosting the third consecutive Punk Rock Tuesday, complete with tacos for a buck and cheap cans of beer, shotgunning contests and the very best music that my ipod knows. You should go. There’s a tv that’s got naked girls on it and my co-bartender, a young and impressionable man named David (who just got in trouble with the law for placing his nekkid junk on the counter of a starbucks and drunkenly requesting some suckage from the barista) will be wearing a vest…at least that’s what he texted me today for some reason. I don’t really know the implications of all of this, but I’ve got high hopes for our young, soon to be sleeveless friend. He’s shown a level of dangerous volatility in the past that’s matched only by his boyish, if-I-ever-go-to-prison-I’m-gonna-be-such-a-penis-receptacle-esque charm. It’s gonna be a good time, that’s what I think. See you tonight.

So, anyway, a few days ago I picked up where I’d left off, telling you guys about the downside of being in a band. I started off about a year ago, talking about some of the worst places I ever stayed and I continued the other day in a little piece about punishers entitled “lemme get your hat, bro,” which I think was misinterpreted by some. Now, I’m not gonna get too far into this, but let me just say for the record that just talking to someone you don’t know doesn’t automatically make you a punisher.

Punishment is usually categorized by the punishee feeling trapped and wanting to not be in the conversation. This isn’t always the fault of the person initiating the conversation, however, like when I have to take a dump or I have to get a beer or I see someone that I know is a punisher approaching and I need to get the fuck out of there. That’s not you being a punisher, that’s just bad timing. Likewise, it’s very common for a group of people to be talking to someone (let’s say Danzig, just to make things short and evil and sweet), and three of them are totally cool and one of them is a terrible punisher. Danzig notes this distinction. Everyone who talks to Danzig is not a punisher. Just the punishers are punishers. I know this is a little confusing, so think about it again inside global/social parameters:

On any given day you interact with lots of people, either on the phone, on the bus, at the McDonalds or at the bar or wherever. Most of these interactions are benign and cool and some of them are even pleasant and you walk away from the dentist’s office thinking ‘that old man mopping the floor was pretty awesome,’ but it’s also pretty common to just be annoyed and think ‘hey dildo, how ‘bout you shut up and let me get on with my business’. That’s a punisher. Like I said, it doesn’t just apply to being in a band. Certain towns are just packed with what Chris and I refer to as ‘life punishers’ who are just walking around everywhere punishing everyone: places like Vegas, New Orleans, LA, SF, Vegas and Amsterdam spring instantly to mind. I guess punishers tend to rally around pleasure zones (which is, conincidentally, the name of the first porn I ever saw. It was about a friendly and mammoth cocked alien named Dork, from the planet Or-gon who was kicking it around earth just uh…fucking chicks, I guess. Highly recommended).

Okay, are we clear on punishers now? You guys aren’t all punishers. That was never my intended message. A thousand apologies for any hurt feelings (except for those of you who are punishers, who, by definition probably don’t know who you are…sigh).

Ah, jesus! I was gonna write about this spot in Omaha…and for the second time it’s been hijacked by punisher theory. Fuck! Dumb punishers are burgling my time even now!

Oh, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the wonderful outpouring of support from a member of the B of A brass after my little tantrum about not being able to retrieve my bank records the other day. Thanks again duder!

25 comments:

STACEY MCCOOL said...

As I read the original "punisher" article on my phone, I was working the door at a show and witnessed the singer from Comeback Kid getting so brutally time-burgled by a chubby herb sporting a mall tour shirt (y'know the ones - they look like merch but they're slightly "off").

Kids these days, man. If you're going to punish some poor sap before he goes on stage at least have your goddamn tits out. Hmmm, perhaps punishing is simply a male dominated sport?

Donnie said...

I met this guy who said he approached Danzig once and before he could open his mouth Danzig told him to fuck off...which is probably better than anything he would have said in a conversation anyway.

Sean said...

I try not to be a punisher, but it's hard when I'm standing next to my friend Alison who would pay to blow Beex, and everytime the 3 of us chat she busts out a "Hey! Brendan, do you remember us from that show in Florida?!"

Haha, I apologize. I just wanted to talk about blowjobs and felching, not whether or not (most likely, not) Brendan remembers two obscure kids who were lame enough fly down to FL for an acoustic show. Ha, yeah.

That being said, I wouldn't trade the feeling of that St. Augustine show for the world.

Sean said...

Oh, and on a side-note:

I think I've conditioned myself to only be able to take a dump if I'm reading this fucking blog.

I've been constipated all day, and when I finally see a new entry has been posted, I read it on my phone and viola!

Your clever writings and witty zingers act as a snake charmer of poo, in a good way.

Thank you.

Robb said...

Yeah there's ace youtube footage of Danzig backstage slamming what appears to be a box of milk duds ? before a show. Sadly there's also this clip of him showing off his book collection that makes him look like the worst douche nozzle to exist

Danzig's books

Jayzilla said...

request: can you please post the time of the winning shotgun on the next blog?

Tim said...

OK, so sometimes after a particularly bodacious show I will make an effort to tell someone in the band how good they were/shake their hand/maybe ask about future records or touring plans. I'll try and avoid it if they look surrounded by other guys or are trying to get somewhere or do something. Maybe if I thought you were really good, I will buy you a beer! Fellow Socks and BK, I ask you, am I a punisher? I really hope I'm not but there is no way of knowing myself.

Toto said...

oh god, i saw that one where he shows off his shitty book collection, what a loser.
did you see the one where a guy punches him in the face backstage? good times

Robb said...

toto - yes i have, good times indeed. He's one of the most glaring examples of 'talented but a tool' I can think of. There's no denying the man's music

jackass said...

Wait, so the barista didn't serve him?!? What's the world coming to? And I just heard l.a. on slacker on my new droid, pretty much radness. Wonder if the falcon is on there. Hmm?

昱宏彥良 said...

你所貫徹的形象,你喜愛它有多少百分比,你就幸福多少百分比..............................

Sean said...

So, I am getting my wisdom teeth out in 7 hours...

Shit's gunna suck.

Any advice, fellow socks?

menti

Jake Regier said...

Enjoy the high, dude. I took that shit and transformed it into excitement for Die Hard. Best high/weeklong fear of going outside in my life.

Didn't hurt, though. Just don't drink tonight and be a man about it tomorrow. Rent some DVDs. Get a bag of cold peas.

Robb said...

Can we talk about these fucking asian posts or is that the 'elephant in the drawer'?

Robb said...

You know, the ones with the fucktard trail of dots, each of them functioning as a hyperlink in of itself? I mean jesus

Jorge said...

New Orleans is full of punishers? That makes me sad in the pants.

You should waste some more blogtime talking about life punishers in New Orleans.

Jorge said...

Also, I haven't seen the Twitter Fail Whale in months, but when you start twittering? Yeah, shit's broken now.

I think you just did the internet a favor. Where will CNN get their information from if Twitter is down?!

Steve said...

Guys! GUYS! who wants to start an iphone band?! These guys from Hong Kong sure know how to make a boring train ride both boring and regretful.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-DQ6-3waWs&feature=player_embedded#!

VoicesOffCamera said...

Aw i'm sad vegas got mentioned twice. We're not all punishers haha

limited nobility said...

herb means poser!?ugh,colloquial dog shit!herb reath stinks....is he the supposedly well hung one?

Karen Kitten Cupcake Sweet said...

yaaaaay!
today i got my bsc tee in the mail! purple with a yellow print! perfect!

and incidentally i spilt tomato soup on my bright white zombie tee, so it was fantastic that i could change and wear my new AWESOME beekface tee instead!

Sean said...

I got my BSC shirt recently in the mail too.

I noticed that these reprints are a different color than the original (mustard blog) yellow.

I dunno if it was intentional or not, but it is still amazing!

Thanks Sheila.

[P.S. Vicoprofen is a life-saver after wisdom teeth removal. I feel no feelings.]

Moxie. said...

Wait, you talk about people pushing each other to get out of the way and you don't mention New York? I mean, I absolutely love New York, but New Orleans' rudeness doesn't even begin to compare.

And they have Cafe Du Monde, so they win.

EZB said...

ya new york is the shit.... but how bout them hawks??? geez i would love to be in chi town right about now

Eric said...

chicago is RIDICULOUS right now