Thursday, June 10, 2010

Shades of...uh, wait. This is familiar somehow..

greetings earthbags. It’s finally time for me to discuss Omaha and the grossest places I’ve been while there. I’m not sure how much of this I’ve covered in the past, but I know there’s a lot of new folks out there, so I’m not too concerned about repeating myself a little.

Oh, new folks, how are you? Just to catch you up on the local BSC jargon real fast: you, my readers, are my dogs of war. The comment section at the bottom of each entry is called the Sock Drawer. It is so named due to the preponderance of comments in there that are mostly jizz related in content. The only other place on earth that has so many things that contain that much jizz inside is a teenaged boy’s sock drawer (ladies, that’s beause he’s whacking off into his socks, and he’s doing it somewhere in the neighborhood of five or six times a day[true!).

Those Dogs of War that post in the Sock Drawer are also known as Socks. This, I realize is an imperfectly fashioned metaphor, since the comments really should be socks, not the commenters, but look, you see the problem here, right? What am I gonna call ‘em? Sock Factories? That sucks.

I guess I could call them “Teenaged Boys” since they’re the ones depositing the jizzy socks in the drawer (and because, well, frankly lots of them ARE teenaged boys) but that’s confusing and kind of pervy sounding and anyway, in this litigious day and age, I’m not really into being gender specific about wide swaths of folks, you know? Also, I guess it’s ageist and….look, let’s just say that those ballbags over by the dumpsters handing out garbage masquerading as food to bums ruined all this for everyone. Besides, Socks is good enough for me and I’m usually kind of a stickler for metaphor, so if it bugs you, uh…get the stick out of your ass, man, honestly.

We all caught up now? Good.

Okay, so Omaha is actually a decent little town. It’s got a pretty sweet bar scene (what’s that place called, the 89er? I love that place) and some really cool bands have come out of there. PLUS there’s a real live skyscraper and some really good skateboarders and a thriving gay scene and when the town shuts down at one AM (boo!) you can just drive over the river to Council Bluffs Iowa and party there until two (YAY!).

Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s not the best place in the world or anything, but I’ve had some good times in Omaha. There was this place (I hope to god it’s gone now) called the Cog Factory which was a DIY punk rock club out by what was at the time a fairly questionable neighborhood. I mentioned once in this space a long time ago a story about some friends of mine (Leann and Walter) videotaping a crackhead trying to suck his own dick for ten bucks (“I almost got the tip” he says a few times in the video [so I hear. I politely declined to actually watch the video myself]) in a parking lot. That was right by the Cog Factory.

Yeah, so I guess that paints more of a picture of a town that’s got drug problems and not a lot of shit for people to do than somewhere that’s “actually a decent little town,” but look, take my word for it: Right now, within a few miles of you, there’s something super fucking depraved going on. Something you can’t even imagine. NO MATTER WHERE YOU LIVE!

Don’t believe me? Look, my friend Toby is from Enumclaw Washington. He grew up on a dairy farm in the middle of nowhere, beneath the mountains and above the plains. I don’t know much about Enumclaw besides that it’s got a dairy farm, it’s 100 miles from Seattle, it’s very small, it’s the last town before the mountains and that NASCAR great Kasey Kahne (who’s apparently a very nice guy) is from there. What else? Oh yeah, a few years ago some guy died there, in some kind of shed/stable deal not a mile from Toby’s family dairy farm when the horse he was videotaping himself getting fucked by stuffed his horse dong into him so hard that it ripped up his guts.

I know. Gross. I’m sure you’ve seen the video. I, again, have not. I don’t enjoy watching humans and animals having sex together or killing each other or dying, so that video isn’t my cup of tea for at least a few reasons. However, I know it’s a big hit on the web (which is disgusting, by the way. It makes me weep for humanity) so I’m guessing you all have watched it.
Anyway, not here to judge, just saying gross, depraved, unimaginable shit is happening as we speak within a few scant feet from you, no matter if you live in one of those Bangladesh hooker shanty towns or in a picturesque foothill hamlet in wonderful relative solitude. Someone is fucking a monkey or eating human skin or doing shit with teeth and assholes that we haven’t even heard of yet. It’s out there, so don’t get too bummed on Omaha or Walter and Leeann. They were just kids with a video camera and ten bucks. If that’s the worst thing going on around you, you’re lucky.

Oh, where’s the story about the gross place in Omaha? I already wrote it. It’s an entry entitled ‘Shades of motherfuckin’ greeeeeey!’ from last year. Check it out if you’re so inclined.

Me, I’m off to take a three minute nap before my kids wake up. Toodles.

17 comments:

Candice said...

some of the jizziest socks belong to 20-something females.

and toby is totally super fucking depraved. that's why i like him so much.

Sean said...

hahaha, i agree.

Sean said...

Does anyone else really like the song Lehigh Acres on the White Crosses B-Sides?

... I dunno, I do.

dustyfloors said...

I come home from vacation in the Dominican Republice and realize I've missed celebrity bartending at the L&L with a chance to see Against Me!
Unreal.
Whatevs, I'm going to re-read about the dirtiest place in Omaha.

Blake said...

You listen to the new Eminem yet?

Blake said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jayzilla said...

BLAKE -- ICE CREAM SANDO!

Hitler said...

I've always maintained the belief that it is Toby himself in the Mr. Hands video.

OPKOPete said...

Good bands from Omaha? 311?

Drunken Acorn said...

JIZZ!!!

Bridgett said...

Candice is right. The first comment I ever put on this thing was about jizz. Juggalo jizz and puke.

Chicago-ians: where's the best place to live if you're two semi-broke 20 somethings who work in the north 'burbs?

Trace said...

Isn't Cursive from Omaha?
I think they're pretty cool... but I dunno, I haven't really listened to anything that came out after The Ugly Organ so maybe I'm not a very good fan.

Toto said...

now i kinda want to watch that horse video, i don't know why,maybe i'll wait for my friends to arrive here with the booze and watch it with them, that way i feel less creepy i think.

speaking of creepy:have any of you ever imagined Davey Havok in short pants?does he/she ever wear them?why am i asking this?

fuck...horses and tranvestites...i'm scared

Robb said...
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Robb said...

Yea also, isn't Conor Oberst from Omah--waaAait, he's no good!!

planespotting said...

Are you letting men jizz in your sox now, Candice? That's an interesting fetish for a man or a woman.

Andrew Norman said...

You're right about the 49'r being awesome. Unfortunately, it's about to become a CVS fucking pharmacy — similar to how the Ranch Bowl is now a Wal-Mart. Come back soon, and play in the garden center.