Tuesday, September 7, 2010

PARTY ANNOUNCEMENT!!!!!

Goooooood morning deesh! My heart is all aflutter today and it’s not just because Keenan Cahill’s chillingly beautiful rendition of Teenage Dream has in no small way touched and caressed my soul, but also because tonight at midnight it’s my fucking birthday! I’m having a party at the Risque Café and you’re all invited! I’ve got some tickets to see the Gaslight Anthem and Hot Hot Heat that I’m gonna raffle off as part of the festivities courtesy of my good buds over at JBTV and I’m gonna be whipping out 3 buck tallboys, 4 buck Malort shots (that’s right assholes!), 4 buck cheeseburgers and a power hour that’ll make your hair curl, bros. PLUS Toby Jeg’s gonna be there and he’s talking about doing some DJing, but of course the big, big deal is that it’s my birthday, so get over to your Nana’s house, steal some of her pain medication and bring it to me tonight at Risque Café over at Clark and Sheffield and stay for the party. It’s gonna be a real hoot!

So, yeah…birthdays. They’re a real time of stocktaking, aren’t they? I mean, that’s what they become starting around 30, I guess. I remember turning 25 and thinking that the dream was over, and it kind of was in a way. 25 is when you start looking like a man and creepy old dudes don’t just send drinks your way anymore, but the upside is that you’re finally kind of cool and worth being around (this last bit is especially true if you’re of the female persuasion) and generally, you’re kind of finally getting taken seriously, and that’s a nice change of pace.

Lots of people hate turning thirty, but I loved it. In fact, I thought it was terrific. Here’s why: I was still kind of Peter Panning around the world, making money just playing music in cool places like Perth and Japan and I felt like I was kind of immune to the doom that accompanies turning 30, so I felt a little bit invincible and also, suddenly I looked great for my age. When I turned 30, suddenly people started being surprised that I was that old, whereas at 29 I was impressing absolutely no one. This led me to a great unspoken realization that I’m gonna share with all of you right now, but first a small anecdote to set the scene:

I know a guy who’s pretty pathetic (actually, I know a lot of guys who are pretty pathetic, and even a lot of guys who fall into this specific category of patheticness, but bear with me here). He’s my age, but he looks much older. He’s kind of tubby and bald and has fucked up teeth and he’s done a few goofy things to himself (tattoos and lobe stretching and shit) that have not aged well on him and the results are uh…not that good. Now, again, he’s my age BUT when he meets chicks he tells them he’s 27. I guess his thinking is that if he’s closer to their age, they’ll feel less skeeved out about putting his wiener in their mouths, but this logic is completely misguided for a few reasons:
1) If he’s saying he’s 27 to a 21 year old, that’s still gonna seem pretty old to her (especially since he looks like he’s older) and it’s really not gonna get him anywhere. If he’s talking to a girl over 25 (remember, finally cool) then she’s probably not gonna make a decision about blowing him based on his age anyway. It’s gonna be up to his good looks (heh) and charm (again, heh) unless he’s talking to the right kind of girl and he’s got an 8 ball on him.
2) If he’s 27, he looks TERRIBLE! Hell, he looks terrible for being 33. If he’s 27, he’s swimming in the most polluted and undesirable gene pool of all time. Which leads me to my realization:

If you’re a man and you feel like you should lie about your age, you should ALWAYS lie and say you’re older than you are. It will only make you look more handsome and well preserved. Think about it. I’m no prize if I’m 27, but if I’m 40? I look absolutely spectacular. You should probably leave shit like lying about your age to old women and teenage boys looking to buy cigarettes, but if you MUST do it, don’t make the great mistake of saying you’re younger. That only makes you look dumber and uglier than you already are.
Just sayin.

This year, I’m getting old and I kind of feel like a dipshit. I mean, I’m working at a dumb bar and just kind of space coasting towards inevitable doom. But that’s not for thinking about right now, folks. Right now is my last day as a youth and tonight at 9 the party begins (and then kicks up a notch at midnight), so suck it, Doom! I’ll deal with you later.

Okay, you want Gaslight tickets? How bout Hot Hot Heat? How bout just to take some Malort shots and help me get older? Then I’ll see you tonight.
Later puds, I’m off to the farmer’s market.

Oh, and go watch Teenage Dream (with me) if you’re one of the few who hasn’t already seen it. It’s truly heartwarming.

30 comments:

Scott said...

well happy damn b-day early

Jayzilla said...

truth: i had look up what Marlot is/was..

dustyfloors said...

Malort.
Mercy.

I know it's a Chicago thing but though it was a south side thing... Regardless, I will never again take a shot of Malort.

Gregory said...

happy birthday duderino!

jackson said...

Bullshit! Most of you guys get to party with bk and get all tore up and have drunken semi-consentual sex with each other in the fashion of the times, and i get to sit here in little mexico cursing all of you with nothing to do. Whatever happy early b-day bk, teach them youngsters(like me) what old men are made of.

Banana@1000MPH said...

I haven't seen Teenage Dream, but I fear you are referencing that guy who was attempting to get a sex change to be Lady Gaga (and I fear you are answering my question of if he went through with it...and I fear the answer is "yes").

limited nobility said...

young keenan has got a real linda hunt vibe huh?If it isnt "dandy walker syndrome" that he's got it's a bit of a shame because I mean,what a perfectly adorable way to classify little keenan.who is gay right?right?man....

Alanda said...

Happy Birthday. Do yourself a favor and go see your girl Lindsay in Machete when you're done partying (and taking care of your kids... or whatever).

It's A-me, Martucci said...

Lohan is in Machete? Well fuck that's $10 I've saved. Gotta be more frugal these days with the cinematic excursions ya know? Kinda shiteous the worst fake trailer from Grindhouse was the first out the gate to be made into a feature. Hobo With A Shotgun will be far better anyway.

It's A-me, Martucci said...

...I mean the hobo is fucking Rutger Hauer, The Hitcher! ...The '80s one, not that 2007 cinematic faggotry with the bitch from one tree hill

Sean said...

fuckkkkkkkkkkkk happy birthdayyyy

i wanna go to risque cafe when i turn 21 this October...

it's gunna be ridiculous.

Robb said...

Yea the dream is def over. 25+ I mean. So true on the women folk. The "women mature faster emotionally" hoopla has always perplexed me..cuz, really? Have you ever seen a pair of 22 yr old birds (lmao) out on the town (rhetorical). They act like spider monkeys. happy burf! buy yourself that new Hostage Calm record. "Young ass apple-cheeked boys makin good tunes!"

Drunken Acorn said...

You should do a shot of rumplemintz and 151. It taste just as bad as it sounds. I did one on my birthday and didn't remember anything from that night. Just saying, if you wanna go that route. Happy Bday BK.

Red Bandana said...

What can be done to have you come play at The Note in West Chester, PA. The Falcon. Lawrence Arms. Both. Either. Oh yeah and happy birthday!

Nazertotiams said...

I just made an account on this damn website just to say happy birthday to you. So, happy 30th birthday, dude.

I NEED to go to Risque someday.

limited nobility said...

"May the lines sag heavy and deep tonight" j/k happy secret 38th bday beezden

It's A-me, Martucci said...

30th wai-, wut? I guess you were joking, or, well..it's the sock drawer, so I'm more inclined o think you're just legitimately misinformed enough to think beeeex was just now turnin the big 3-0.

It's A-me, Martucci said...

Nazer - I peeped your profile and I sincerely feel awful. you're a 14-ish yr old female - thus you know literally nothing - and I truly feel like a bridge troll

Diagnosis: Perpetual Niggariasus said...

Happy burthday nazty white boi! Getcha some hard boiled eggs n pretzels n stick em up in a nazty birthday sandwich! Yo breaf'll stank SO bad! I luv my momma thiiiiiiiiiis much

--Professor Thelonious Niggariasus III

Diagnosis: Perpetual Niggariasus said...

$4 cheeseburgers soundin' mm-mmm good/$4 cheezeburgers an' nazty white gurrls

dirtcandie said...

After i returned home and read up on this Malort, i was preeetty grateful bk intervened in some dillweed's pursuit to give me and my friend a "real taste of chicago." Thanks for that and happy birthday!!!

Owner Operator said...

oi.
so i'm not one to talk up music if it's not good. but this stuff is pretty rad. and it's free. and you should check it out.

http://www.deathtofalsehoperecords.com/downloads/dtfh053.html


werd


OO

crazycarl said...

happy birthday! beware of malort, it will murder your face off.

Toto said...

@Owner Operator : i really liked the first song, not sure about the rest, good stuff anyways.

do any of you guys like Rumspringer? that's some good shit.

And happy birthday to you Mr Kelly.

Bridgett said...

I know a great way you can celebrate your birthday and make your existence slightly that much more cool: new tunes for the masses! If you want something less complicated, I could use another pair of hands moving on Saturday!

Diagnosis: Perpetual Niggariasus said...

A wop bob-a loo-bop, a wop-bang-boo/listen to the crazy thangs that I do!…
A sheltered white brat by the name of James
I said "c'mon, I got da latest video games!"
Took him to a decrepit old stankin shack
that was once the boys and girls’ club way way back
I said “Haaa!--You thought I had the hottest games??
All I got’s this old Atari shit called “Alien Brains”!
A wop bob-a doo-bop, a wop-bang-dang/Lil' James thought I had the hottest new games!

limited nobility said...

Im lil james/here to set flames/to erroneous claims about alien brains/the shack wuz in fact intact/plus we jus played charades!.... from lil james clap back track "Mahn.."I'll fuck a video game".........uh,Thought i'd get in on this fucking weirdness

Mary said...

This is so weird...
Haven't read your updates in weeks nor do I live anywhere close to Chicago so this came out of nowhere, but a few nights ago I had a dream I ran into you at the grocery store and we started hanging out like we've known each other for years and you went on and on about how much you love The Who.
So I take it as an omen to catch up with your updates and I find it's your bday.
It was meant to be Brendan...

Hope you had a good birthday!

It's A-me, Martucci said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
It's A-me, Martucci said...

Would anyone happen to know the real identity/whereabouts of punknews poster 'EazyD2'? He may very well be the most ignorant and misguided individual to post on that site, despite fierce competition. I was hoping to mail him some dog shit or desecrate his grandma's grave or something