Monday, September 27, 2010

swinging from the gallows

Man, so this weekend was my friend Toby’s bachelor party. Now, Toby hails from the far northwestern corner of the United States; from Enumclaw, Washington in fact, which, if you don’t know, is the place where the guy filmed himself getting pumped to death by a horse. Toby lived not half a mile from that barn of ill repute. He hastens to point out that fucking horses is considered just as fucked up in Enumclaw as it is everywhere else, but I’m not ENTIRELY sure I believe him. Here’s the deal:

Apparently, when this guy got impaled, there were no laws in Washington dealing with uh…zoophilia or animal husbandry or whatever you want to call it. After this video (again, of a man being fucked to death by a horse) somehow became a viral internet phenomenon (which, I gotta tell you, I don’t understand. Who wants to see that? I consider myself to be fairly crass and lowbrow and there’s no WAY I would ever watch something that included A) a dude fucking a horse or vice versa or B) someone dying. It’s the same thing with the two chicks shitting into the cup or whatever…How is that popular? I’d barf if I was forced to watch that. I guess this universe is pretty twisted…I weep for the future. Anyway) they put all sorts of anti-animal fucking laws into place, but then just recently the cruel beastiality hating powers that be busted some ‘farm’ in Washington somewhere that was actually operating as some kind of perverse inter-species brothel. Apparently one of the best (?) things they found was an Englishman engaging in some kind of orgy with a bunch of different dogs. Imagine that.

Now, let me unequivocally state for the record that I’m in no way pro-dog fucking. Beyond any moral or ethical issue, I just find it to be gross. Dog wieners are all red and slimy and dog butts are, uh, dog butts. No explanation needed. And don’t even get me started on dog pussy. For whatever reason, the notion of having proper wiener-vagina sex with a dog is even more disgusting than just buttfucking it. I don’t know why that is and frankly it’s not an avenue of thought I’m too interested in ever exploring. Now, that being said, you kind of have to admire the dog fucking enthusiast who traverses an ocean just to indulge in the sensual garden of delights that is the Washington dog farm multi breed orgy. I mean, yeah, it’s revolting and twisted, but he really went for it. No half stepping. I wonder if, in animal pumping circles, this was a legendary bust, where people were saying things like “the honeysuckle ranch got shut down and there was a brit in the Mayflower room!” because presumably, that’s like going to graceland and sitting in the recliner or something. Weird.

But you know what? That’s all neither here nor there as this entry isn’t supposed to be about zoophilia anyway. Okay, where was I?

Ah, yes. The bachelor party for Toby. Now, toby is a lot of things and one or two of the things that he is is a massive fan of soccer and the American club team the Seattle Sounders, who just happened to be playing the Chicago Fire the night of said bachelor party. We went down there and hung out in the stands among the Sounders fans, and it was a great time. One particularly hilarious thing struck me though, and I’d like to share it with you:
Namely, people from Seattle are either completely clueless about how the world really is or just kind of embarrassed of Seattle in a really bizarre way. This is a notion I’ve been keenly aware of for some time, but it was really driven home the other night out there among the green shirted sports fans. Their chants were all these Viking-like odes to drinking and destruction and the back alley lifestyle of the Seattle Sounders hooligans, which is all well and good, but uh…have you ever been to Seattle?

Seattle is perched in the hills, it’s kind of rainy and it’s stuffed with erudite little coffee shops, smug little boutiques and guys with shaved heads and northface jackets. Seattle is clean, beautiful and just funky enough that it can be cool and kind of laid back but not funky enough that people will just shit in your vestibule every morning or anything. There’s a semi-famous punk band from Seattle called the Murder City Devils. That is absolutely insane.

Seattle is the murder city in the same way that I’m the hottest twelve year old girl in all of Peru. It’s not a town full of murderous Vikings and drunken hordes. I mean, I’m sure that people get mighty shitfaced out in Seattle and I’m sure there’s crime and I bet there’s even a shitty neighborhood or two, but come on folks! You’re not East St. Louis, you’re not Detroit or Cincinnati or Newark or the south side of Chicago. You’re not Nogales or Juarez or Miami or the Bronx. Fuck, man. You aren’t even PORTLAND! And that’s fine. Fuck. That’s great! I’d rather live in Seattle than any of these places, (well, except Portland which is one of the hands down best places out there) but man…Seattle is the home of Frasier Crane and all his various witticisms. Seattle is the home of the space needle and vegan breakfast and fast computers and city wide wifi. And sure, that shit probably sounds lame in a chant, or as the name of a band, but uh…do you have to undercompensate so much? I think there should be a movement out there to re-define Seattle as the pretty fucking nice, very clean honky town that it is. I’m throwing it out there, Seattleans (or whatever you’re called). Do your town proud, and let’s get rid of that ugly reputation as being the murder city, eh? How about the ‘city of nice parks’ or ‘city of friendly waitstaff’ (which I’ve always found to be true every time I’ve been in Seattle), or even Seattle: Home of Dicks!’ That sounds good. Dicks is the best weird cheeseburger stand in the northwest and it still sounds a little shady, so you don’t have to go all the way to “Seattle: sophisticated scrabble players and their brethren” or anything like that.
I dunno…it’s Monday. Just throwing it out there.
Or is it all an elaborate tongue in cheek thing where everyone kind of grins and winks at the notion of Seattle: city of evil? Because that would make a lot of sense, actually. Leave it to them to have a gigantic city wide in joke. Smug dicks.
Okay, I'm out.
Keep fucking those dogs, everyone!

25 comments:

Kevin Burnett said...

First night I was in Belltown I got mighty drunk and ate a hot dog with cream cheese from this dude grilling them up outside of the bar...I think it cost me two bucks...later a girl puked on my buddy and he still went home with her...Seattle is cool...annd cue sock drawer.

Scott said...

must not have been that big of a rager for Toby, I am fairly certain he was walking down clark yesterday wearing a tie and all dussied up on my way into the cubs game.

Capt Murdock said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=epQdreYwO5s&feature=player_embedded#!

This actually happened at the game you were at?

Westward The Wagons said...

As a life-long Rose City resident who plays Seattle all too often, I couldn't agree more. While lovely & scenic, Seattle is full of super smug, super preppy dicks. Don't get me wrong, I have loads of friends up there, but the level of pretension is just crazy. And I'm not saying that Portland is like South Central or anything, but we have street kids and skinheads and shootings and street fights daily. Seattle has Subaru Outbacks and Kenny G. Ya dig?

Banana@1000MPH said...

I hope your kind words about Portland are a sign that you will come play a show here some day since Neil is the only Lawrence Arm I've seen.

and my word verification is: fecemat

I thought it said fecesmat, but I'm still content with an image of a mat made of poop.

jbody said...

BEEEEEEEEEEX!you be sayin erudite incessantly dawg!you jus straight called a coffee shop erudite today.hard as fuck!I think we all ready for the last bit that avatar review.Im literally electrocuted that you aint broke us that shit off yet.....

Blake said...

Portland also has sex slaves. The human kind.

One time my buddy and I were at a bar. He wanted to impress the waitress in his own unique way, so he told her he just had a threesome with two Rottweilers. It may have worked in Washington, but not Detroit.

aj said...

enumclaw huh?
maybe not as bad as fucking a horse or a pack of wild dogs, but equal to or greater than in sadness:

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2012885412_enumclaw14m.html

Johno said...

You know what they say about mad dogs and Englishmen. Arf.

Dillon said...

A couple weeks ago I drove up from Portland to Seattle for the Screeching Weasel show, and my car was stolen in a very nice neighborhood.

It's A-me, Martucci said...

Would you not agree that just about any form of human depravity or taboo captured in video form becomes borderline acceptable when it features a person of an Asian ethnicity? If the perpetrator is a corn pone 6’ 2” Midwestern retard (somehow worse if clean cut, exposing the Cro-Magnon jaw line in all its glory), a ‘horse play’ vid will induce only utter nausea and disdain (both toward the video’s star and the inevitably hick-ish individual who somehow coerced you into viewing)--but if the perp is a lil’ ol Chinese man, well, it provides the buffer of “Lookit lil Chinese man--moving his wiry, taught lil’ rice dumpling ripped fuel bod about as that horse pummels his lil’ chinese insides into dumplings!” It’s just all the difference in the world, in my book. Same phenomenon behind why your pal takeru kobasaku somehow single handedly makes it possible to watch competitive eating without wanting to murder somebody.
Kevin - do you have really rounded, bulbous toes? Just a vibe

It's A-me, Martucci said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
It's A-me, Martucci said...

also, nothing personal, but the fact kevin and scott somehow managed to post at the exact same time this morning is really botherin the fuck out of me. Shouldnt, buuut, like perez hilton...

It's A-me, Martucci said...

ok kevin i think i nailed it. far moreso than your and scott's posting simultaneously, i think the root of my irritation lies in your use of 'mighty' as an adverb. "Mighty" hungry! "Mighty" tired! "Mighty" horny! ..simply awful. again nothing personal, i'd berate grandma for that

jbody said...

can y'all imagine how fuckin good kevin is at billiards?imagine that shit.........

jbody said...

can y'all imagine how many push-ups kevin could do when he wuz gettin real consistent with it that for awhile there?Maine,I straight hate kevins guts!lmao

Blake said...

Kevin's not so bad.

Ryan said...

Anyone every see shake that bear?

Andrew said...

"street kids and skinheads and shootings and street fights daily."

Not that I disagree with the general point that Seattle is a pretty nice, quiet, clean city, but it also has all of those, too.

Jeffrey Royiwsky said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
tobiasjeg said...

Hey AJ, thanks for the link about the news back home in the 'Claw. Even crazier is that incident took place not only on the very fucking street where I was born and raised, it happened right smack dab in between my farm house and the "barn of ill repute" Brendan is referencing. 228th Avenue: Country Backroad of Broken Dreams.

EwanDUFC said...

This was reported over here in Scotland ages ago. Apparently, they found loads of lubed up mice tied with strings, with their tails cut off. Sick!

Trace said...

http://www.xkcd.com/798/

sheila said...

i went to the *cough* screeching weasel show in seattle a few weeks back, and the car i had stashed my purse in was broken into, along with 2 other purses. some asshole busted the driver side passenger window out and jacked 'em.

Nose Dradamous said...

There's nothing like grabbing a greasy bag of Dicks late night to throw down your ole ladys throat after a night of drinking. Just saying.