Man, so this weekend was my friend Toby’s bachelor party. Now, Toby hails from the far northwestern corner of the United States; from Enumclaw, Washington in fact, which, if you don’t know, is the place where the guy filmed himself getting pumped to death by a horse. Toby lived not half a mile from that barn of ill repute. He hastens to point out that fucking horses is considered just as fucked up in Enumclaw as it is everywhere else, but I’m not ENTIRELY sure I believe him. Here’s the deal:
Apparently, when this guy got impaled, there were no laws in Washington dealing with uh…zoophilia or animal husbandry or whatever you want to call it. After this video (again, of a man being fucked to death by a horse) somehow became a viral internet phenomenon (which, I gotta tell you, I don’t understand. Who wants to see that? I consider myself to be fairly crass and lowbrow and there’s no WAY I would ever watch something that included A) a dude fucking a horse or vice versa or B) someone dying. It’s the same thing with the two chicks shitting into the cup or whatever…How is that popular? I’d barf if I was forced to watch that. I guess this universe is pretty twisted…I weep for the future. Anyway) they put all sorts of anti-animal fucking laws into place, but then just recently the cruel beastiality hating powers that be busted some ‘farm’ in Washington somewhere that was actually operating as some kind of perverse inter-species brothel. Apparently one of the best (?) things they found was an Englishman engaging in some kind of orgy with a bunch of different dogs. Imagine that.
Now, let me unequivocally state for the record that I’m in no way pro-dog fucking. Beyond any moral or ethical issue, I just find it to be gross. Dog wieners are all red and slimy and dog butts are, uh, dog butts. No explanation needed. And don’t even get me started on dog pussy. For whatever reason, the notion of having proper wiener-vagina sex with a dog is even more disgusting than just buttfucking it. I don’t know why that is and frankly it’s not an avenue of thought I’m too interested in ever exploring. Now, that being said, you kind of have to admire the dog fucking enthusiast who traverses an ocean just to indulge in the sensual garden of delights that is the Washington dog farm multi breed orgy. I mean, yeah, it’s revolting and twisted, but he really went for it. No half stepping. I wonder if, in animal pumping circles, this was a legendary bust, where people were saying things like “the honeysuckle ranch got shut down and there was a brit in the Mayflower room!” because presumably, that’s like going to graceland and sitting in the recliner or something. Weird.
But you know what? That’s all neither here nor there as this entry isn’t supposed to be about zoophilia anyway. Okay, where was I?
Ah, yes. The bachelor party for Toby. Now, toby is a lot of things and one or two of the things that he is is a massive fan of soccer and the American club team the Seattle Sounders, who just happened to be playing the Chicago Fire the night of said bachelor party. We went down there and hung out in the stands among the Sounders fans, and it was a great time. One particularly hilarious thing struck me though, and I’d like to share it with you:
Namely, people from Seattle are either completely clueless about how the world really is or just kind of embarrassed of Seattle in a really bizarre way. This is a notion I’ve been keenly aware of for some time, but it was really driven home the other night out there among the green shirted sports fans. Their chants were all these Viking-like odes to drinking and destruction and the back alley lifestyle of the Seattle Sounders hooligans, which is all well and good, but uh…have you ever been to Seattle?
Seattle is perched in the hills, it’s kind of rainy and it’s stuffed with erudite little coffee shops, smug little boutiques and guys with shaved heads and northface jackets. Seattle is clean, beautiful and just funky enough that it can be cool and kind of laid back but not funky enough that people will just shit in your vestibule every morning or anything. There’s a semi-famous punk band from Seattle called the Murder City Devils. That is absolutely insane.
Seattle is the murder city in the same way that I’m the hottest twelve year old girl in all of Peru. It’s not a town full of murderous Vikings and drunken hordes. I mean, I’m sure that people get mighty shitfaced out in Seattle and I’m sure there’s crime and I bet there’s even a shitty neighborhood or two, but come on folks! You’re not East St. Louis, you’re not Detroit or Cincinnati or Newark or the south side of Chicago. You’re not Nogales or Juarez or Miami or the Bronx. Fuck, man. You aren’t even PORTLAND! And that’s fine. Fuck. That’s great! I’d rather live in Seattle than any of these places, (well, except Portland which is one of the hands down best places out there) but man…Seattle is the home of Frasier Crane and all his various witticisms. Seattle is the home of the space needle and vegan breakfast and fast computers and city wide wifi. And sure, that shit probably sounds lame in a chant, or as the name of a band, but uh…do you have to undercompensate so much? I think there should be a movement out there to re-define Seattle as the pretty fucking nice, very clean honky town that it is. I’m throwing it out there, Seattleans (or whatever you’re called). Do your town proud, and let’s get rid of that ugly reputation as being the murder city, eh? How about the ‘city of nice parks’ or ‘city of friendly waitstaff’ (which I’ve always found to be true every time I’ve been in Seattle), or even Seattle: Home of Dicks!’ That sounds good. Dicks is the best weird cheeseburger stand in the northwest and it still sounds a little shady, so you don’t have to go all the way to “Seattle: sophisticated scrabble players and their brethren” or anything like that.
I dunno…it’s Monday. Just throwing it out there.
Or is it all an elaborate tongue in cheek thing where everyone kind of grins and winks at the notion of Seattle: city of evil? Because that would make a lot of sense, actually. Leave it to them to have a gigantic city wide in joke. Smug dicks.
Okay, I'm out.
Keep fucking those dogs, everyone!