Tuesday, September 28, 2010

a bag of sand?

My kid woke up at six fifteen this morning. He’d pissed himself, as toddlers are wont to do in the course of a night, and when I walked into his room to free him (he sleeps in a tent) he said “daddy! I’m wet!” and shit, boy. He wasn’t fucking around. He was so drenched in piss that his socks were soaked. Quite a way to start off your Tuesday, right?

Anyway, I got a letter asking for a little advice a couple of weeks ago, and I thought I’d take a stab at it today.

Q:
I come to you in need of some advice, although I fear that this is a bit out of your normal realm of expertise. I still value you opinion on this matter.

Here's my predicament - I am a 26 year old female; I am not only a virgin, but I have actually never dated. ever. I'm average looking... but a little overweight. I'm mostly just a slightly anti-social, awkward and maybe a bit insecure girl who doesn't know how the hell this got so far. I'm becoming more confident with myself and blah blah blah, I'm now determined not to become some old spinster or crazy cat lady.
I want to start dating, but now I feel completely lost. I have no idea what to do. I'm at the level of a 15-year old with this shit. Actually, plenty of 15-year-olds are more advanced than me. I don't understand how dating works outside of what I've seen in movies, which I'm pretty sure I should just erase all knowledge gained there from my brain.
When asked about my previous dating experience, (which only seems to happen with nosy co-workers), I always say that I had a boyfriend X months ago and just try to keep it vague. I feel that if anyone were to find out about my... situation, that they would not understand how it's even possible and it all just becomes very embarrassing for me. I'm ok with (only because I can't really lie about it) telling a guy I'm a virgin, but does he really need to know about my complete lack of experience? I've never even kissed a guy before. And how and when does this kind of stuff come up?
I should also add that it's quite possible that the first guy I date will be a co-worker, which brings my anxiety level up 100% about all of this. I really don't want all my co-workers knowing about my business. I guess just want to know how normal people in their mid-20's date. Not your usual "how do I get laid?" type advice.

A:
Okay, where to begin here? How bout this: first things first, you gotta relax. Look, I was just talking to someone about this yesterday: getting into a situation you don’t really know anything about is never comfortable. That’s why your first few days at a new job always suck. You’ve got no idea what you’re doing, everyone around you presumably does and even if you DO have what it takes to be good at whatever the hell it is you’re doing (better than them even) your complete ignorance of what’s going on (uh, where do we keep the paper in this place?) is only gonna make you feel inferior.

BUT, what eventually happens? You get the hang of it, and fortunately for you, you’re talking about making out and going to movies and drinking beer on the back porch with someone you like, not starting up as a new accounts person at ProFlex Pharmaceuticals, which is vastly less fun, vastly harder and less forgiving in terms of inexperience…but you seem to be very concerned with your inexperience, so lets address that first, shall we?

“I am a 26 year old female; I am not only a virgin, but I have actually never dated. ever. I'm average looking... but a little overweight. I'm mostly just a slightly anti-social, awkward and maybe a bit insecure girl who doesn't know how the hell this got so far.” Yeah, you and everyone. Listen, here’s the thing: I know you’ve seen your friends/acquaintances dating and boning for years and you watch the MTV and whatever channels broadcast young people frantically getting drunk and pumping each other, but you’re really not in that strange of a situation. In fact, by my math you’re one month of bad decisions in college behind probably 90% of the less promiscuous of us out there, and probably in the exact same boat with more people than you realize. You said it yourself, you’re not grotesque or impossible to be around and you have enough self awareness to be writing to me, so what do you think? Somehow you’re the only person who’s slipped through some kind of crack? Nah. You’re fine.
I know, I know, easy to say, hard to believe, but seriously. You’re not forty, youre 26. That’s still YOUNG. AND you’re a girl. Think about this: how many dudes, average looking, slightly overweight and anti-social and awkward do you think are never-been-kissed virgins? I’d wager that the percentage hovers in the mid 90’s.

My point is, there are TONS of people out there in the exact situation that you’re in, so while you may feel alone, you may feel like you’re the only one of anyone you know who’s so inexperienced, look at yourself as an example. You’ve constructed a little series of white lies to keep what’s nobodies business from coming out, other folk are probably doing the same thing. Again, you’re not a freak, and your situation is vastly less weird than you’ve led yourself to believe.

That being said, you don’t know what to do. You don’t know how to answer questions when and if you find yourself in a potentially romantic situation. You don’t even know how to recognize that a situation may be potentially romantic.

Look, here’s the deal, and I know I said this before and I know it’s easier said than done, but man, you gotta relax. Dating someone in highschool is full of bullshit, for sure. You’re calling them, going to the movies, fingerbanging out in the field behind the middleschool, doing a lot of talking about “us” or whatever, but you’re thankfully a grown up now, and dating is a way different thing. It’s easy. Any time you’re spending with someone you like is kind of dating. It’s like being friends. There’s no point when you’re necessarily gonna be faced with having to answer questions like “so, how many guys have you kissed” unless you’re dating someone who’s super weird and awkward and at that point I’d advise you to tell the truth, because only someone who has similar romantic experience to you would ask something like that. And you know what? This brings me to my bigger point:

There’s nothing weird or wrong with not having kissed or dated anyone. Yes, it seems embarrassing. Yes, you feel like a pariah, and you don’t know what the fuck is going on and what do you even do once you’re holding a dick and wocka wocka wocka but heres the deal: this shit is fun and when you’re kissing someone you’ve never kissed before, chances are it’ll be a little weird, whether they’re the first or the one thousandth person you kiss. And that shit (again) is FUN, so it’s not like someone’s gonna get mad at you for fumbling though it. It’s like ice skating or smoking weed for the first time. Just trying it with someone is the big part, who cares if you’re wobbly or you cough up blood?

If you’re kissing someone, they like you at least a little, and they’re gonna be forgiving and cool, but you need to be confident and own your own situation. I know, easier said than done, but what’s the alternative? Pretend you’re some ex-escort or something and then wind up not knowing what’s going on in the moment? That’s gonna lead to serious stress on your part (not that I really think your partner would probably even really notice) and a potential weird breakdown where you have to admit you were lying and you don’t know what’s going on and THAT is something that’ll be maybe too much to bear. No one minds kissing someone for the first time, but people, as a rule, aren’t big on being lied to. So keep that in mind.

Oh, and I know this is trite advice coming from me, and I know it’s potentially bad advice, but a little booze goes a long way in terms of building confidence and allowing you to be honest with yourself and with others (in the short term). I’m not suggesting you go out and get shithoused and bang a soccer team or anything, but pretty much every single person on this earth is the product of a couple of beers, and if you’re feeling nervous, anti social and shy, a cosmo may just reset you for the evening.

I dunno. Is this advice bad? Socks? Dogs of War? What say you? Let’s help this girl out, eh?

38 comments:

Candice said...

the quickest way to get laid is to join the splinter cell sock drawer. everyone's boning over there.

Hamilton Martin said...

I'll bang her over here

jbody said...

40 yr old virgin brainstorm reference?how you know bout that shiiit?....

EZB said...

no, twas good advice, it's true spending time with someone you like and who is single and of the opposite sex is pretty much dating, just make sure you know that the feeling is mutual after a little while.... it's just important to be honest, and be careful of assholes out there

Scott said...

getting laid and spending time with someone can be 2 very different things. Look at all the people that just bone one or 2 friends regularly. They may go out and eat, watch movies, hang out, whatever along with the sex, but in the end, neither one wants the relationship to be more than that. Anyone can get laid, especially if they have a vagina, but that is exactly what you get, laid. It sounds like this chick is looking for more than that and all I can suggest is that you don't "force" things, get to know someone, be friends and let it happen. I have too many female friends that go too crazy with a dude that shows them a good time and then find out all he wanted was a good time. Pretty much exactly matching your description. fuck, i suck at relationships, but I do know that you have to be friends at some point or all it is is fucking.

peter said...

seems like solid advice...the booze part is well put. i'm kinda awkward myself was thinking similar things as the woman in question. was my situation weird, is it ever gonna change, and until very recently i was wondering if i would have sex any time soon (i'm 20) etc. it's kind of gone to the other extreme now, i'm in a situation like scott described...kinda friends with this girl but it's mostly just sex and i feel weird about it, except i'm the dude in the situation, and it's me that kinda wants more than that, whatever that may be. i'm rambling. good post BK, enjoyed reading it.

Toto said...

good advice.and as you said before, confidence is the most important thing, confidence and not really caring that much, just go for it and don't think much about it, it's not really a big deal , i don't even remember my first kiss after all.
besides ,i don't see why would virginity be a bad thing , i know i'd be stoked to bone a virgin.

ps: splinter cell sock drawer? is there another one? god help us all...

Candice said...

www.thesockdrawer.org

duh!

Nick said...

Candice makes a valid point. Come join us. We've got a dashing young bachelor named danimal that seems right up this girl's alley.

dustyfloors said...

Sound advice. Dudes are usually too psyched at the possibility of getting their dick wet to worry about technique.

Also, I agree with BK on the part that if the dude you're with genuinely likes you he'll just be happy to be making out and will likely overlook any technique or strategy that he might be used to. So get in there and lick his teeth!!!

Katie said...

Apparently when I was about 18 or 19 I took this guy's virginity. I heard about that fact afterwards through the grapevine at work and the point is I had no idea, so your first lucky lad may not even notice. The drinking advice is good but beware Whiskey Dick.

Candice said...

hahaha i love you, chili

peter said...

in response to katie, the girl i lost my virginity to asked me when we were making out one night and said she didn't want to have sex knowing that. eventually (the next week) she changed her mind, but i guess my point is that it might matter to some people. not at that it's a bad thing, i didn't hold it against her for not wanting to, but something to think about i guess.

Mike C. said...

This topic hit home for me. You see I'm also 26 and for the first time in my adult life I'm single. I started dating a girl at 15(she was 14), we dated through high school, and managed a long distance relationship while she went to college. I later transferred to her school and we graduated the same day. After college we moved in together and started planning our lives together. We shared so many things together: weddings, death of my mom, deaths of other family members, births, and all the other life struggles in between. We always made it out on the other side together and had each other to credit for it.

At the beginning of this year when the discussion of our future became more serious, shit hit the proverbial fan. We split up in May and I have been single ever since.

The point of this story is that much like this girl, my idea of dating is very immature and based in a high school movie. I'm just starting to learn the game and every time I meet someone cool enough to consider dating, I fall hard on my face. I don't know if I'm a mong when I comes to girls or its just that I have a deep desire to have someone by my side.

My advice to this girl would be honest to not only who ever she dates, but honest to her self. Just realize that even at 26, there are reasons why people are single and going to bars to meet someone will only result in hurt feelings. Because lets face it, bars are really most of the time for people who want to get laid. If there is someone she likes try just taking a chance and asking them out. Take a chance and get your feet wet, the rest will just come with time. I believe someone said it best:

Don’t be ashamed of your failures. Be ashamed of NOT having failures, because ultimately that’s worse. That’s failure. Coasting through, never challenging your own intellect or physical prowess and never discovering how great you might have been. That’s lame.

Dugamancer said...

Solid advice as always. I think the most important part is to relax and go into things with no expectations.

Y'allAreBrutalizinMeEe! said...

Clap yer hands to the marchin band! Clap yer hands to the marchin band! Boom, chsssssh! Boom-boom, chsssssssh! Cuz Jordan’s brought you to see Chief Osceola!! Smell of popcorn’s in the air! Stray popcorn in Laura’s hair!! You could get a nacho cheese! Bulbous toes and bulbous knees! Your hair’s cut short - a normal boy! Normal interests, normal toys!! Boom, chssssh! Boom boom chssssh! Here comes Chief Osceooooooola! Will the evil Gators take the win?? Not by the polyps on Rex’s chin!! Candice - you faggot

Candice said...

GFY

jbody said...

genuine fun!yukyuk!?......

Seagull Steve said...

I still dont understand why there is another sock drawer, and why that sock drawer is still called the sock drawer. I mean, this is the sock drawer. Here. Its weird for me, Im sorry.

I think BK is mostly right. I didnt lose my virg until I was 20, and let me tell you 26-year-old-virgin, up until then I was in the same boat (plus an extra dose of teenage hormones to boot). It was a huge source of discomfort and insecurity. But let me tell you 26YOV, when the time comes, everything will just fall into place. I wouldnt try to force anything (no pun intended), and by all means, yes go out for some drinks. Oh yeah if people think you are still sealed up because you are deeply in love with Jesus they'll more likely than not think thats pretty strange. Dont want to give the wrong impression there.

Jamie said...

Good advice but I got a little additional tip for the babygirl...

Do not date anyone over 10 years over your age, even though it's tempting (if she is straight...I think older dudes are generally hornier-therefor more self-confidence provoking for us wimmin). It's just always turned out bad for me. And everyone I know.

Garfield Roscoe said...

As an aside...

I'm nearly 30, so I've been doing the whole dating thing for a while now. I'm by no means a man-whore, but have had enough travels to tell you, that in my experience, the more average, shy, laid back (even awkward sometimes) end up being FAR BETTER in bed than the queens and barbie dolls. It seems to me that sexual prowess seems inversely proportional with what might be considered prototypically "hot." (The "hotter" they get, the lousier they are in bed.) So, be confident, and realize that all those "hot" girls suck anyway. You'll get there. And Beex was dead on, once you find someone who you think is worth it, i don't think A LITTLE booze is a bad idea, just to kill the nerves a bit. Good luck and report back.

kylewagoner said...

It amazes me how self-aware and mature she is about it. My friend was a late bloomer in our group and didn't kiss his first girl until he was 19 and he literally only pulls moves he's seen in movies. He makes me wanna puke with the yawn and the arm ending up across a girl's shoulder. God, he's a moron...though it's very entertaining. We joked that he'd jizz early when someone finally touched his dick...and it was a month ago or so...took him 10 seconds.

Zach said...

Man, I sorta think that having a clean slate might have some serious advantages. I am sorta unsure if some of my past relationships made me better or worse. Its entirely possible young, immature relationships could sorta warp your view on what a good relationship is and lead ya in the wrong direction. Maybe just observing the shit your friends go through in relationships could teach ya a thing or two. I don't know. Shit, homes.

EwanDUFC said...

It wouldn't kill you to watch some porn too. Taught me everything I know about sex, my mum and dad sure as shit wouldn't, nor would my school. It gave me the confidence to do it, and feel like I knew what I was doing.

Obviously, there are different levels of porn and you probably shouldn't go in at the deep end (a guy banging a chick's eye socket while he uses her glass eye to gag her), more the shallow end (softcore, softfocussed stuff that I wish I could still get hard over)

doorstopper said...

If you don't care about being a 'virgin' so much, maybe hire a sex worker? No presure on you then and you'd have the confidence of past experience behind you.

(Word verification: balize)

Blake said...

We're trying to get her laid, not turn her out!

I got arrested when I lost my virginity, and the porn thing has caused me to not get a second date, so be careful.

That being said, talk to dudes more often.

Banana@1000MPH said...

Blake, you kind of set yourself up. Did you lose your virginity to a kid or animal or something?

Candice said...

both. it was a young goat.

Garfield Roscoe said...

Very snappy Candice!

The crowd rips up in applause!

Kevin Burnett said...

See you fuckers on Nov 10th in Philly!!

milquetoast said...

dude, you were on THE DAILY SHOW? you get 12 gold stars.

It's A-me, Martucci said...

dude, you were in THE BROADWAYS?? you got 12 dollars?

It's A-me, Martucci said...

kevin, have you gotten lit on rumplemintz way too many times than is acceptable? hehe sorry, I just fuckin hate your picture n shit.

anathema.device said...

first off, hi- I'm the 27YOV.
I wanted to say thanks to both Beex and socks for the advice.
I sent the e-mail trying to remain as anonymous as possible, but your kind words have motivated me to respond. I am a long time reader and evem a drawer-follower, but rare commenter.

You guys all have said things very similar to what I've been thinking. It's nice to know that others are on the same page. At ages 19 and 20, it was always a "it will happen when it happens" kinda thing. (plus claiming "straight edge" helped a bit). Now it's escalated to a "what the hell is my problem" kinda thing.
I think that taking the advice of 1. actually talking to more dudes
2. being honest
3. booze
will be crucial for this dilemma.
Thanks to all of y'all for the input.
Either way, I'll be sure to let you all know when the V is lost.

Gregory said...

the best part of this post is that your kid sleeps in a tent.

Sickie27 said...

I would just like to say: Lies. I was on the Sock Drawer for a significant amount of time and I never got laid from it.

Candice said...

you could have but you were taken.

Nico said...

Just as a matter of interest:

What is you instrument/amplification setup? Do you use pedals? What are your thoughts on bass pedals?

Thanks a lot brozef.