Wednesday, November 10, 2010

And the Rocket's Red Glaaaaaaare!

I’m headed out in about thirty minutes. Tonight we play in Philly and it’s gonna be off the proverbial Heezy. Are you bringing me a cheesesteak? With Cheez Whiz? Thanks so much. Last time we were in philly, we forced our bus driver to drive down to Gino’s and Pats (the two famous places to get cheese steaks in Philly. Perhaps you’ve seen them on Food Wars or Pig Out Paradise or something [and yes, yes, these are touristy spots. I’m sure that they don’t have the finest cheese steaks in all of Philadelphia, but we’re tourists, and we don’t know where to go, nor do we REALLY care about that, so yeah. Just telling you what happened. No need to get all defensive]) for a late night snack.

Now, our driver was a big old hillbilly boy who truly didn’t know how to back up a bus and believed with all his heart that shopping at wal mart was good for America (just ask Rubber Maid). He was also highly passive aggressive and stupid in a way that can’t be overstated. He was stupid in an almost mythical way. He didn’t know how to do laundry. He didn’t know how to heat up canned soup. He was as equipped to exist as an adult human being as a hamster dressed in a brooks brothers suit is to diversify your stock portfolio.

I could write about this guy all day, actually. We fired him in San Diego for massive incompetence and constant insubordination (which sounds like we were being dicks, but when the standard, agreed upon program is that we wake up on the bus in front of the next club every day, but instead we’re waking up in truck stop parking lots with him asleep in the front lounge (leaving us with nowhere to go, because the front lounge is where the bathroom, tv, coffee, and couches are), still 4 hours from our destination and we’re consistently late for load in, well, you get the idea of how completely terrible this dude was at being a bus driver.

He also couldn’t drive. He also was a cocksucker. He was also dumber than a box of rubber gloves. And he wouldn’t back up the bus. He didn’t know how. This was at various times amusing and enraging, depending on the severity of the situation.

ANYWAY, someday I can probably fill up a whole weeks worth of this dumb blog talking about this driver and his various dumbassisms, but for now I’m getting back to Philly. We make him take us to get cheese steaks. This is highly unusual, as bus drivers understandably don’t tend to like to make little food runs in giant busses, (it’s not a taxi, after all) and this dude was no exception, but the show had been amazing and we were all loaded and we decided to berate the driver and force him to take us there, despite his hemmin’ and a’hawin.

So we get about half a block away, and the bus gets stuck. Philly has narrow streets and we can’t get any closer. We’re blocking traffic, it’s Friday night down town and our driver starts throwing up his hands and losing his mind. The cars behind him are honking and going nuts.

So we all kind of laughed, and got out of the bus right there and left him to suffer while we went and got cheese steaks. The whole time we waited in line we could hear the honking and see the growing line of dead stopped traffic. We took our time. Some of us even sat and ate there, in the restaurant’s outside patio.

Eventually, after twenty five grueling minutes of dealing with the ire of uppity northern city folk, our driver was finally able to close the door and let a bunch of drunk, cheesy turds back on his bus and head off to another truck stop parking lot.

That night, I woke up in my bunk completely dehydrated from eating such a salty, greasy treat so late at night. At first I thought there were fireworks going off, but then I realized, no. It was the tiny explosions and gas rockets of nocturnal farts that only a rolling sarcophagus full of drunk men stuffed with cheesesteaks can produce. It was like a tiny little fourth of july, but instead of red white and blue, it was just a few different shades of brown.

I’ll see you east coast kids soon. I gotta go pack.
Toodles!

31 comments:

Hamilton Martin said...

"different shades of brown" is a great name for that new solo joint

Showtyme said...

Philly sold out mere minutes before I finally decided to get a ticket. So fucking disappointed, seeing as how I have yet to see you live.

Bed & Breakfast Records said...

longshot: anybody have extra tickets for tonight?

they wouldn't sell tickets yesterday because the show was today and now it sold out.

shucks.

Sean said...

I'd drive a bus for you guys (if I knew how to)... but then again, I'm pretty sure I have some sort of minor form of road rage at times...


... some people just canNOT drive, I dunno...

Maybe we'd at least get to your venues on time...

Kevin Burnett said...

See you tonight!

meo150 said...

dude, showtyme, i feel your pain, my friend was there about 10 mins after they sold out!!

also really funny the last show in philly hes talkin about i was at Pats that night, i guess just before that bus fiasco and missed the whole thing.

it aint my day...

It's A-me, Martucci said...

(Ignorant, detestable beefcake baritone voice): Yeaaaaa I'm frum Phiiiiilly! Yea I AAAAAAAM frum Phiiilly! T or F: Philadelphians are even dumber than new yawkers on avg

Sean said...

flip... flip...

Webby said...

I know nobody really cares about cheese steak prefences but on the way back from AC to DC we we ussually stop at Jim's and I would say its better than Pat's. Also the guy sitting next to me on the train now smells like he showered with cheese steaks.

James Cameron said...

It's spectacular. We went in and completely de-noised it, de-grained it, up-rezzed, color-corrected every frame, and it looks amazing. It looks better that it looked in the theaters originally. Because it was shot on a high-speed negative that was a new negative that didn't pan out too well and got replaced the following year. So it's pretty grainy. We got rid of all the grain. It's sharper and clearer and more beautiful than it's ever looked. And we did that to the long version, to the 'director's cut' or the extended play.

limited nobility said...

lmfao!that aint me either sean

Sean said...

hahaha, i have my suspicions....



.... I'm beginning to question if Martucci is somehow really "Sean" as well...


fuck, I just don't know anymore!

Sean said...

I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!

limited nobility said...

heard the new social d single?I don't know what the world may want/but this half baked tune it surely dont!...ya know,cuz it kinda rips that cracker song "teen angst"!awwwww,fuck you kids.....

Sean said...

i have nottttt

... yet, that is..

i dunno... i've never really tried getting into social d... if i were, where should I start?

Tom said...

I was really hoping to see you at the bar after last nights show. Neil strolled through...I wanted to tell you how shitty you guys did then buy you a beer. fucking great show.

limited nobility said...

furst tom sour den hebs sweeeeeet!

EZB said...

anyone need a ticket to tonight's show at ten? i might have one

timziegler said...

I'm actually looking for tickets to the early show. Anybody have? I have two for the late, but would prefer to go early.

Nick said...

hey tim i have two extras for the early show if you read this in time

limited nobility said...

somewhere between heaven and hell.They aint that good really.pretty funny/cringe inducing punk rock grandpa banter on live album."this is when ya couldnt jus go ta the mall and get yer crazy hair colors or your little pussy pierced".

EZB said...

great show last night!!! thank you for playing the disaster march!!! ay yo am taxi was pretty sweet

jakegreen said...

so blown i couldn't make philly.. i bought a ticket as soon as i found out about the show but everyone i was going with bailed and my buddy who's house i was staying at(which is two hours closer than mine to philly) got real sick.. so bummed.. go on tour again soon please. baltimore show maybe?:)

limited nobility said...

holy 120 mins!what a great jbtv!I was seriously expecting ethan hawke to walk in wearing a violent femmes t shirt,holding a generic take out pizza box and just start grubbin out with jerry and green day(who really were cuter than the muppets).then ya know same fantasy(yes fantasy) with corgan.what up with the tan beeks?you got some tan cheeks!

disastermarch said...

great show last night, couldn't have asked for a better set. Also had no idea Chris #2 was gonna be the singer for white wives, so that was cool.

btw, New Hampshire is known for one thing, and it is the most badass, hicky-est, most white trash drinking game of all time. its called stump, check it out http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stump_(game) and I guarantee you will be neither disappointed nor sober.

Blake said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Blake said...

I feel like a total dipshit, but I should let you know that I'm probably the first guy to ever get your face (on the bsc tshirt) tased by the police.

Sean said...

dude, jbtv is amazing

It's A-me, Martucci said...

Any fans of Bored To Death? Anyone else wish Zoe Kazan would crawl up under a house and die like a pooch? hollywood nepotism at its most abhorrent, folks. It wouldve been more (or maybe just equally) sexy if jason "breast fed by talia shire way too long" schwartzman had just been spanking a dead baby porpoise in that classroom scene. Well shit this all applies to schwartzman too come to think. (mommy was adrian/connie corleone, dum dumz!)

It's A-me, Martucci said...

Notice I didnt even bother touching on the Kazan lineage. Elia? Errrrrrrrrrr??

It's A-me, Martucci said...

Shit "hollywood nepotism at its ugliest...literally" wouldve been way better huh? missed opportunities n shit Anyone get a hot dawg w creeem cheeeez after the philly show? rhetorical