Wednesday, November 3, 2010

The beast with two founts

Holy shit folks, and I mean that literally. Yesterday evening I had a late meeting so I grabbed some sushi from the grocery store and ate it in my car. During my meeting, I had a stout or two and by the time I got home I wasn't feeling so well. By the time my babysitting parents left, I was queasy. By the time I lay down in bed, I had already put a garbage can in the bathroom because I knew the ride that was ahead.
My wife was out of town. My kids were asleep, and I was about to embark on the grossest roller coaster ride that you can take right there in your body: the double headed food poisoning all night battle.

Firstly, you're cold. You're so cold and you can't get warm, but you also can't move because that makes your nausea flare up. You're clenching your butthole like it had the world's last copy of the plans to dismantle the nuclear device inside and you're generally in bed for about fifteen minutes before it's back to the crapper and the garbage can. Awesome night, especially when you have to get up at 6 with a toddler and an infant all day.

Now, I didn't barf up the sushi (thank god, because I don't know that I could have handled seeing/tasting it again, as it was kind of weird looking/tasting to begin with) but I did barf up the two stouts and some pretzels and absolutely every single mouthful of water that I tried to swallow during the night. This last bit was almost instantaneous. Drink, fifteen seconds, barf. that was great too. The end results were that my barf never stopped being black even for a moment. That's a nice little touch in the great "so you feel like you're dying" paradigm. It was uh...thorough in it's cohesiveness if nothing else.

I'd sent my wife a text that said something like "Uh oh! Food poisoning over here" and she called me after a glamorous night of rubbing elbows with industry mavens in manhattan only to find out about my own glamorous little evening back here in the midwest. that was about 2 am.

She said (and I'm paraphrasing) "Oh, sweetie! I wish I was there" to which I replied "oh my god. No. How gross. No way. I'm SO glad you're not here right now." I mean, I understand the desire to take care of someone you care about that's not feeling well, but short of putting me in some kind of warm tub full of magical liquid that just made my various violent expulsions evaporate instantly, there was nothing to be done.

Anyway, long story short: I feel sick, so no blog today.

10 comments:

Scott said...

that sucks, feel better

Banana@1000MPH said...

the jokes on you, this is a blog.

Capt Murdock said...

Was this a metaphor for the 10-4 Elanor show?

Sean said...

The other night i threw up black after a night of Guinness and vodka shots.

Definitely a bad combo, in my opinion.

jackson said...

Jack 'n' cokes all night make black little globulars when you blow chunks that are pretty creepy when youre hammered, its 5 am and you gotta work at 630, seeing as how they look like blood clots. Anyways feel better beex.

Andrew said...

i thought the title was some sort of shakespeare reference but i don't know what a "fount" is.

brownstainedboxers said...

damn dude! same shit just happened to me on tuesday morning. I woke up at 4am to suddenly find out i shit my pants(and i dont mean shit as in solid wholesome poop, i mean it as in nasty, grody, liquidized corn, diarrhea). Then proceeded to puke on myself, and my sheets... and my girlfriend.

most disgusting thing in the world but you lucked out, your wife didn't have to see that shit. I grossed my girlfriend out with the ridiculous amounts of liquid shit coming out of my various holes.

Sean said...

... hahaha, did you create that username just for this occasion?

maggiejoan said...

^^ to the guy above me: that can't be a real story.

Jacob William said...

Dear brownstainboxers,

Stop stealing my material. Also, I threw up on my laptop, not my girlfriend (see: wife.)

Thanks.

Love,
sedatephobic

PS - If this is in fact a true story, then I'm sorry. Been there, bro.