Thursday, November 18, 2010

man! Man for sale!

Dudes, I gotta head to the free clinic to get my baby her latest round of vaccines. It’s gonna be something else, I tell you what. My wife’s out of town (in Mexico for fucks sake…probably not banging sexy, swarthy latin dudes with great mustaches and abs, but you never know) and I’m here taking babies to the free clinic like the madam in a child prostitution ring. It’s cool, but it’s leading me to the inevitable conclusion that I need to kind of sack up and get a job of some kind. This Mr. Mom shit isn’t all grocery store coupon poker and horny housewives. In fact, there’s been exactly zero of either of those things in the last two years. It’s a lot of Dora the Explorer, a lot of little tiny chunks of free time that are too short to do anything worthwhile in (so I just mindlessly surf the internet) and a lot of poo under the fingernails. Also, there’s some lunch dates with my more “jobless” friends, and the occasional beer, but for the most part it’s pretty standard issue “boring/rewarding” depending on who I’m talking to.

So, that presents the question, what could I do for a living? Hmmmm…..I’ve asked this before, to you, my dogs of war, and to myself. It’s not an easy one. I’ve got a degree, but it’s in filmmaking and due to my extended period of being on the road with my band, it’s no longer technologically up to date (and it’s in filmmaking, so uh…that’s like having a degree in “Burger King”). I can write some, and I’ve got writing samples right here on this very blog, but I think, if I’m not mistaken, that there are a few too many mentions of felching and dongs to really show my professional potential. I’ve also got a great looking dick, but I’m married, so porn’s pretty much out too. If I’m not missing anything, and I don’t think I am, that’s all of my positive attributes. All that remains is the same dull, unacceptable bullshit personality that every human being on earth possesses beneath their ‘winning smile’ ‘desire to succeed’ and ‘huge tits’.


What’s left? Service industry? That sucks. I’m tired of that. Retail? Don’t make me barf. I’m 34. Am I gonna be one of those old ass pizza men someday? That’s such a fucking bummer. Nah. I gotta get it together. Maybe I could be a heart surgeon or an English barrister or the queen or something? Well, no. Not the queen. I guess I could be king, but I guess there’s already someone getting that job. Sigh.

I could be in a rock band. That’s possible, right? Well, kind of, I guess. I mean, technically I could be, but it’s hard, and the music industry is kind of out of business and the amount of time it takes to get well known enough to potentially make a living being in a band is staggering and I’m a little too old for that now. I know that I’m already in a band, and that’s cool, but that band ain’t payin the bills. We ran that up the flagpole and aside from a few of you people with impeccable taste, the results were a little flaccid. I mean, after ten years of making records, you’re pretty much as big as you’re gonna get. That’s just the way it is, folks. So that’s not really an option either.

What’s left? I could do stand up comedy. That seems like a good idea. I’ll just get a wacky new persona and smash melons with a mallet and tell jokes about how my wife won’t fuck me and the black guy down the street gets his mail with so much more swagger than I do. How bout that? No? fuck. Okay, next on the list…um, um…how about food critic? Music critic? Literary critic? Oh, those things are no longer viable jobs because people get all their criticism from the internet now? Fuck. Hmmmm….How about famous Hollywood actor? Those people seem to have no discernable talent and make a lot of money. Yeah. Actually, yeah. I could do that. Watch this:

“I never loved you, angela!”

Did you believe that? I sold it, right? Totally. Also, I’ve got a great looking dick. Did I mention that? That should get me some roles, right? Yeah. Fer sure.

Okay, look. I’ve gotta go get dressed and head to the clinic. Hollywood, here’s your big chance. I’m available! I’m 34 but I could play a Mexican or a white guy or even a middle eastern guy in a pinch. Um, what else? My teeth are good and my diction is sometimes okay. Also, I’ve got a dead eyed stare that seems to be exactly what you’re looking for. Oh, and I’m at least as funny as that fat guy with the beard who seems to be everyone’s boyfriend right now.
Okay, that’s all. I’m out of here. Keep me in mind. I do nudity! Bye.

Send tit/beaver shots please! It’s all I have left keeping me strong, people!

22 comments:

Jayzilla said...

uh dude -- clothing line, duh.

FranklinStein said...

The "Burger King" bit made me spit orange juice all over my computer screen. Bastard.

jackson said...

Go country singer/songwriter, it did wonders for hootie after his career finally flopped.

dustyfloors said...

Girl Talk released a new album. He released it for free but people eat that stuff. You can make yourself the punk rock Girl Talk...

limited nobility said...

jason sudeikis right?Write a virtual visor graphic novel as a send up of the genre.SNL wouldn't be a bad fit.That is a good place for accessibly good looking,reasonably funny people in their 30's.not kidding really.People still don't seem to realize the value of having ANY degree from a good school.Oh duh,you should write copy at an ad firm.They always have one tatted up hipster type.sheesh!That was obvious.ok,so forget the SNL thing

Scott said...

job planning sucks. If i knew how and what to do, i would probably not be sitting here doing what i am doing.

I say start booking shows somewhere "Brendan Kelly Presents" and have shirts and shit made
"limited" for each show. You have some connections,

Blake said...

You have enough credits to be a substitute teacher.

Donnie said...

Why dont you get a job at a school. You'd make more than you make now and you'd get paid summers off.

Tim said...

My dads always been in bands/unemployed layabout/househusband since I was a kid. Maybe you could just learn to love it, he seems to enjoy himself has gone 50 and looks like he's never going to get a 'proper' job besides rocking out. He has a degree in Physics too, what a waste.

Josh said...

psychologist or counselor, your advice and perceptive are top notch.

Owner Operator said...

i was gunna say teacher. even teach music to rich kids.

also. if you're strapped for cash make some new larrys tshirts. you wont make any money off them but i'll be happy.

you made that movie a while back. what happened to that?

there's also a 10th ani show dvd that could make you 25 cents a sale! get that happening.

oh, you could be a roadie for greenday. that'd work!

Kyle Milton said...

Lets not rule out selling drugs!

Sean said...

you could always do that really awesome (lame) thing where you whore yourself out for lunches, hangouts, "playdates" to obsessed fans who are willing to pay top dollar just to shoot the shit.

Terrible example, but I remember reading an article somewhere where this kid paid (over?) $10,000 to chill with one of his idols for like a week or something....

It was ridiculous(ly great, if you are at the receiving end of it all)

That being said, a better example of this is featured on an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, where Larry David has to have lunch with this creepy fan and he (Larry) ends up trying too hard to impress the fan and insults him by eating before both plates of food have arrived.

Gold Jerry, gold!

Jimmy Collyer said...

hey if you want to get the falcon started up again I'm sure you could get Mikey Erg to play a couple instruments. I think he's only in four bands right now.

carmichael rogers said...

have you tried, take your own advice on the crisis of living and deal with the fact that you are a breeder?
Since when is marriage a factor in stopping a porno career? You keep talking about that cock so apparently you know already that it really isn't. You may have made an excellent addict at some point have you considered drug dealer? That turns out well for some people. How do you feel about blood on your hands?

Hannah said...

You need to pursue your writing. I got chills from your use of myopic in that sentence. You are far too intelligent with words to be catering solely to the (roughly) specific demographic that is the sock drawer. We love you and this is far from a suggestion to leave us behind, but expand! Publish to the masses! No wasted potential.

Robb said...

Mm. Cant offer much besides to echo yea parlay that writing knack into cold hard $$$. Won't go as far as to say that your use of myopic "gave me chills", because...!!? Buuut I have been considering that pathetic-ass contrived late 20's bi experimentation thing so if ya wanna let's hop on that. No stds, no lichen planus, just straight sexy dick like you dawg. Little bigger than yours maybe. We'll see. Let's get Sean in on that shit; play swords. O relax Im straight as fuck

Donnie said...

Sean - I think your talking about Josh Freese.

http://joshfreese.com/buynow/10000/

squelch84 said...

If you're seriously looking, my place of employ is hiring. Audio Industry type stuff. If you want more details, shoot me an email -
squelch84(at)gmail.com

Tipsy Horse said...

you could come to England and open a music shop in this town where the 60 year or something strong music shop has closed due to the two old geezers retiring and now I have to travel miles for a pack of strings or god forbid I have to mail order a pack of six plectrums or something dumb like that, something I should be able to walk to buy and make small take with the guy behind the desk.

You wouldn't make any money but the heart warming feeling you'd get once a year when someone actually does by something (something worth while eg a guitar) you'd probably be erect for the best part of a week, even when you dip you sack in a teacup full of iced water cos it's starting to ache.

Robb said...

Shut the fuck up, tipsy horse. JK. Kinda.

Robb said...

ohh for god's sake tipsy. Look I really, really was just k--listen, you want in on this newly established sexual trist amongst me/beex? Ho[ aboard baby. Beeeeeeeeeeex