friiiiday! Advice! Windsurfing!

This is the best ad I’ve seen in a while. I mean, you want to talk effective and on-message without being a chore to watch? I don’t know who did this, but the world of people selling things should be banging down their door.

So anyway, it’s Friday and I thought I’d kick things off with a little more advice for y’all to marinate on over the weekend. Here’s the query:

Q:
So yeah, since you're dishing out advice, and obviously have had luck in this department here it goes...

I'm in my late 20's and a mother one pretty rad little girl. In fact, she's so rad that I've decided I want to make another. Now my husband says he's on board with this but ever since we made the decision to "try" our sex life has gotten weird, mechanical, and almost nonexistent (which as we all know is NOT the way to make a baby). The first time he knocked me up was kind of an oops that turned out to be one of the greatest things to ever happen to us. We were newlyweds, it was after a wild night at the titty bar, and it was pretty hot. Now actually trying to get knocked seems, well, not hot at all. In fact, the whole act of "trying" totally turns my husband off to the point that we have less sex now than we did before (and I'm not even that crazy bitch with the ovulation kit saying "I'm fertile, it's time!"). All I want is to get laid every other night but the entire act of "baby making" sex seems to turn my husband off (and no, I didn't let myself go after the first one I'm actually pretty hot). How do I make trying to have a baby sexy? Does he just not want another kid & is afraid to tell me? I'm pushing thirty and my clock is ticking...

Help!

Fertile and not getting laid

A:
Okay, well, this one seems like kind of a no brainer to me, but that’s maybe because I’m a man with a penis and for us, the answer is ALWAYS blowjobs….But let’s start at the beginning. The situation here is that your husband, for whatever reason, doesn’t want to bone you. You’re hot. You guys usually enjoy hot sex and now, in the act of trying to make a baby, he’s not interested. You’re not trying to make the whole thing clinical but it’s too clinical for him. Is that about right? Hmmmmmmm….Tough one.

Um, there are two possibilities here, and I think you’re aware of them. The first one is the one you’re putting out there on the surface. He’s turned off by the notion of sex as a reproductive function. He wants to fuck you and he wants a baby but when the two things are combined it sucks and there’s seemingly no way around it. This makes sense on paper. Shit, I love chocolate ice cream and I love salmon, but I don’t want them together. In fact, these two things I love and often desire, when combined make me sick. This COULD be what’s going on. If it is, the answer is pretty simple. Give him blowjobs. Make him blow his loads in interesting places. If you’re so inclined, take it in the ass. In short, completely eliminate the possibility of a baby happening while you get your sex life up to warp speed and then, once the pressure’s off and you’re fucking like drunk nineteen year olds, you’ll be able to uh…water the lawn, so to speak, without it seeming like a big, functional deal. See? The answer, ladies, is often blowjobs.

BUT! There’s also another possibility, and it’s one that to me seems VASTLY more likely: he doesn’t really want to have another kid nearly as badly as you do.
Kids are hard work. Kids change the shit out of your lives and kids change people from hot chicks and cool guys to moms and dads. Even if they’re hot moms and dads, they’re still moms and dads. The wild nights at the titty bar are probably not what they once were, are they? The blowjobs at the breakfast table have probably decreased in frequency, eh? The nights of sloppy drunk sex or the mornings where you just lay around all day and bone, then put on a robe to get the pizza you ordered and then go back to bed are probably kind of gone, right?

I mean, I should hope so…you’ve got a kid running around. This is all stuff that just happens, not only because of a change in the way sex is desired after a kid is born (although that’s a real thing too) but because of the practical considerations of having a little person around who wakes up, sees things and needs attention all day long.

Now, I’m using sex as an example because this question ostensibly concerns sex, but this is just one of the many ways that life changes once you have a kid. It’s a big, huge change. And having two kids is a big, huge change from having one. It’s scary and unknowable and the prospect of a stranger coming into your house and completely fucking everything up now that you’ve finally got a handle on this last person that came along and fucked everything up, can be a hard thing to get your head around, much less get excited about, even if it’s almost guaranteed that you’re gonna like this new stranger.

But you’re on board. You want another kid. You’ve got a limited time to have one. You’re hot and you’re fun to be around and your husband realizes that this isn’t the kind of thing you can just put off, and he wants to give you the things you want, AND he realizes that by denying you a kid he’s altering the “Things You Want Out Of Life” irrevocably, but having another kid may NOT be something he can really feel like he wants to get behind right now.

Now THAT’S an advice question: “dude, my old lady and I have a great kid. Recently, she decided she wants another one. We both love our daughter and we’re not getting any younger, so I said “for sure, let’s go for it.” The thing is, the idea of another kid freaks me out. I feel like I’m BARELY getting the hang of having one, and I just don’t know that I’m ready for another one right now. My wife is doing a great job of not pushing me too much, but any pressure feels like a lot and the result is that I’m just completely clamming up when it comes time to bone. She thinks I just hate the clinical aspect of ‘baby making’ and I can’t bring myself to correct her and tell her how I’m feeling. She’s still super hot, and I know that she wants another baby and that we kind of have to do it soon if we’re gonna do it, and I know that we CAN do it and that I’ll love the new baby and our new, bigger family, but I can’t shake the dread that consumes me whenever I think of a second screaming baby in this house, much less the burden on our finances and what remains of our social life. What do I do?”

Is that possible? Is there even the most remote chance that this is the case? I mean, like I said above, I’d bet you ANYTHING that it’s this and if it is, you guys need to have a serious talk where you listen to each other and take the time to understand that you’ve both got legit life altering issues on the table, and do it as a team, not as competing negotiators. I mean, after all nothing fucks up romance like financial problems and kids and about 100% of the time, those things go hand in hand. Obviously, there’s no one besides the two of you that can say ‘have a kid’ or ‘don’t do it’ with any authority, so y’all need to hash it out before he winds up windsurfing in mexico with a broken soul while you start over screeching at the kids between dates with kindly, well meaning dorks.

SO, my advice is to seriously discuss his apprehensions, which he definitely has, because let me tell you something about the penis: as someone who’s had one for 34 years, very little can get in the way of wanting to bone someone you find attractive, if you’re just ready to go. If I was in a stinky porta potty and my old lady wanted me to bone her to take her mind of the smell, it would be no problem. If we were at my best friend’s funeral and she wanted me to bone her as a measure of consoling, no problem. If we were on a plane heading into the ocean…you get the idea. If everything you say here is true, then there’s almost no way that it’s simply the rote act of baby making that’s bumming him out.

But hey, if it is, try the blowjobs and the buttfucking (but keep in mind that if your husband is smart, he’ll gladly go the buttfucking and blowjobs route just to put off the conversation you’re going to inevitably have to have. I mean, what’s the downside there, right?)

Have a good weekend everyone!