Wednesday, March 30, 2011

god DAMN it!

Man, you know what sucks? I don’t get a lot of cultural outings these days. In fact, you might even say that short of books and the internet, anything of any cultural value that goes on in this house is purely accidental. That’s why when I saw that a theater not too far away from my place was putting on a production of The Master and Margarita, one of my favorite novels, I was really excited. The run was to be a little more than a month and I found out about it the day it was announced. I cut out the ad and put it on my refrigerator along with all the various scribbles and pictures of other people’s kids, dinosaur magnets and a weird, handwritten note I got from the guy at Barneys thanking me for buying pants. I was determined to not miss out on the Devil in St. Petersburg.

Well, fast forward to now. There are three shows left, one is Sunday night, which is when my show is, so that’s out. The other two are Friday and Saturday, but here’s the thing, they’re all sold out. What a dick punch. I feel like a kid that looked forward to something for months only to get grounded the day before. I’m bummed, to say the least.

Here’s the thing: Bulgakov, the dude that wrote the novel-turned-play in question was also a playwright and even worked at a playhouse for a while. This particular work wasn’t adapted by him, nor was it even published in his lifetime (in fact, he made his wife promise to burn the manuscript on his deathbed, something she thankfully refused to do), but the notion of seeing a Bulgakov play in a small playhouse in a snowy metropolis in on a cold spring night is awesome, and I don’t believe I fucked it up. It’s such a bummer, and it’s truly no one’s fault but my own. And that’s the worst.

And that’s indicative of a big thing in the US. Namely, culpability. We’re obsessed with blame here, and no wonder. It seems like 95% of the educated people in this country are lawyers. We love, I mean, we absolutely LOVE to imprison people here and even more than that, we love to sue. We love to sue the shit out of people and ruin their lives forever, and perhaps even the lives of their kids and THEIR kids, often over mistakes. We need to sue, because litigation is one of the last few things in this country we produce. The whole thing is fucked and stupid and the results are that we’ve got a culture obsessed with blame, as though it’s almost okay if something shitty happens to us, just so long as there’s someone we can clearly and easily blame and then suck dry either emotionally or financially, or ideally, both.

Sooooooo, when it’s me, when it’s completely my fault, I don’t even know how to deal. I can’t feel smugly superior to someone, I can’t squeeze out an apology. I can’t do a goddamned thing but sit here and read the reviews of what seems like it was a pretty decent show while I listen to my new favorite bit of entertainment, Dora the Explorer, blast out of the living room. I need to sue the people that made me want to have sex and procreate. That’s what I need to do…soooo, who’s that? Paul Guccioni? Anna Nicole Smith? That girl in my sixth grade music class? I mean, my wife’s cool, and she’d probably just sue me back, so that’s out.

Ah, fuck. Don’t forget, I’m at the Beat Kitchen this Sunday, totally kicking ass. Are you coming? Please do.
Good deal.

14 comments:

benofficial said...

Dude, just show up with a copy of The Greatest Story Ever Told and tell them you wrote a fucking concept album on the play that's about to go on. If they don't let you in after that, fuck 'em.

Nico said...

aaah man I feel for you. The play sounds totally rad. Blame your music career for this, and cancel the show.

Donnie said...

So you can get yourself on Anna Nichole's birthday party guest list but not into this? Come on, Brendan.

mooreclick said...

Let's go do something bad for us, and sue the people who made it! It's the American way.

toaster_oven said...

Tell them your in the press. How many hits do you get on this thing?

FranklinStein said...

I'd rather see the theatrical adaptation of "American Psycho". In the margins of my copy of the book, you'll find "LOL"s and statements along the lines of, "OMFG that's fucking hilarious!!!". For this reason, I will NEVER lend my copy to friends or significant others. However, whenever I introduce someone to the movie, they tend to find it hilarious, as they should. The book, however, is a bit much.

grilled cheese said...

I just saw that play at the Strawdog. It was rad. They keep two seats open for late arrivals, just show up and use your celebrity status to get one of those.

Drunken Acorn said...

I could've sued some doctor for killing me in surgery for 13 seconds, but he brought me back so I say fuck it.

Andrew said...

yeah i mean i'm with donnie on this one. you somehow manage to schmooze your way into some pretty big time movie buffs down in austin, i can't see how sneaking into a theater is that big of a problem

Sean said...

never heard of it.

god, i need to educate myself.

Lindsey said...

As an actor in this city, let me tell you that people are fucking lame and will buy tickets for a show and then not show up. I'm sure that sometimes there's a good excuse, but usually, they buy tickets because it sounds cool and then they forget.

That being said, if you can, show up early and get your name at the top of the waiting list. Once it hits 10-15min before curtain, any unclaimed tickets are usually released. And if your name is sitting pretty at the top of the waiting list, you're in.

You could also just blow whomever is working the ticket booth.

jbody said...

alright,shit my dad says.oh yeah,got that zeitgeist by the balls yall.......hubris.he says hubris sometimes.damn,dad.....you fucking crazy!

Jayzilla said...

check craigslist? stubhub? i dunno..post up outside the show and wait to buy a ticket off of someone..

itll work out--you gotta be optimistic about these things

Daniel said...

benofficial, TGSET wasn't a concept album based on TMaM. It references it a few times (most obviously "Chapter 13: The Hero Appears"), but that's about it.