if you try it once you’ll die, your face will melt off, and your children will weep over your exploded body.

I love Charlie Sheen. Well, no. That’s not really true. I liked Platoon, I thought Major League was spectacular and I kind of like the bug-eyed sincerity that he brought to that Hot Shots franchise. I think he was great in Young Guns and his role in Ferris Bueller’s day off is nothing short of spectacular. That’s easily his finest work.

Well, until now. Obviously, Carlos has been in the news a lot recently, and it’s been pretty wonderful. I’d like to think he built this whole thing for us to enjoy. Oh! It’s possible. Don’t think it’s not. Remember, we’ve spoken before about how these days, what with all the 24 hour news cycles and the Life and Style’s and the US weekly’s and our obsession with ‘reality,’ the prime avenue through which celebrities now entertain us is no longer through their work, but through their lives outside of work. The work is just the stepping-stone to the real stardom…or not, actually. The actual work is actually becoming unnecessary and outmoded, not unlike dial-up or computer discs: just a superfluous step that we’ve finally evolved past.

This is really the only explanation that anyone needs for why people like Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton are famous: they’re reality stars. They don’t necessarily have to star on reality shows, they’re stars of ACTUAL REALITY, and in the truest, most dynamic and modern way possible, there IS a show, it’s just not a TV show (I know that Kim has a show, by the way, it’s called making a point, so relax).

In fact, this is really an interesting phenomenon. Everyone from record executives to artists to marketing people at McDonalds talk about how they want to utilize social media and all sorts of ‘alternate avenues’ of shoving crap down the consumer’s throats. “it’s not enough to have commercials on TV. We need the internet, viral campaigns, twitter, facebook, water cooler buzz, a STORY LINE etc.” What no one seems to really notice is that (for example) Lindsay Lohan has completely pioneered this idea and perfected it to the point where nothing needs to exist at the heart of it. She’s the star of a wildly successful and drama filled show. You hear about it from clips on the internet, tweets, facebook, youtube, photos here and there, news briefs, but make no mistake, it’s not just real life playing out. It’s a full on multi-media reality show.

And she’s a star. She’s a HUGE star, in fact. She’s the star of a show with a colorful cast of characters that’s being told in a completely new, completely digital way that’s not beholden to schedules or executive board whims or even media formats.

This IS what the people that are trying to get the word out about a new type of Filet o Fish are trying to achieve…Say what you want about Lindsay, but she’s made the first blueprint of the way that entertainment is going to wind up. People aren’t gonna need TV shows any more, they’re dying anyway. It’s so much cooler if shit just happens. Banksy kind of does this too a little bit, but in a more sparse (and sophisticated) way.

Anyway, this is a long tangent, but mark my words. Lindsay Lohan is the future of entertainment in all media. It started with the Real World, hit critical mass with those shows about fucking someone who’s fucked Flavor Flav, and has now finally stepped out of the primeval ocean to take its first steps on land.

Okay, so back to Sheen. This guy has set the basis for his show up really, really admirably. Britney, when she first pioneered the movement of a Reality show (capital R to indicate a show about reality not bound to traditional episodic television) kind of scared me. She’s a young girl and she was having a lot of pressure put on her and she snapped, and it was sad. There were moments that were scary. I mean, sure, it’s fun to watch a millionaire go into a gross bathroom with no shoes on and everything, but Britney seemed like she was obviously deep down a nice girl who was lost and she had genuine fear in her eyes when she shaved her head and went all “the Penguin” on that paparazzo’s van.

Sheen, however, taking a cue from the Spears Show has absolved us from any guilt we may feel in watching his demise by being a woman-beating sack of shit. He also maintains a look of smug omniscience, which is one of the most hatable traits a human can possess. And finally, he’s just going completely balls out. Where Lindsay has no choice but to be followed by her story and life, whereas Britney ran from it, Charlie Sheen is texting messages that undermine his (former) publicist’s cleanup efforts, he’s blitzing every media outlet he can, he’s getting pornstars in his house tweeting shots of their beavers and his massive bottles of vodka. He’s hitting the ground running and absolutely making sure that no one, regardless of what weird outpost of media they’re getting their entertainment from, is missing even a second. Hell, he’s probably telegraphing dong shots all over Mongolia and the north pole.

And once he’s there, in the public eye, man, is he saying the BEST stuff. Today on Howard he told us that he’s worth a hundred billion dollars, and that’s just on a cellular level. He’s on a drug, it’s called Charlie Sheen. There’s tiger blood in his veins (and that’s gotta be illegal) .He’s saying things over and over and over again and then saying they’re jokes. He’s passing drug tests(?) and then apparently just going right into the next room and smoking crack before he does his interviews. He’s GLEEFULLY pissing on the heads of everyone that he stands above, and pissing on his own career and reputation in the process, and just LOVING THE SHIT OUT OF IT, which is fun as shit to watch on a zillion levels.

I thought Mel Gibson was entertaining, but this shit makes Mel Gibson look like a pre-recorded game of Pong. I mean, Charlie Sheen is literally dismantling one of the most successful careers and franchises in history all for our amusement and to what end? He just wants to party with hookers and blow and hold a bitch’s head under the water in the toilet until she learns to listen in peace, without all the ‘turds’ breathing down his neck? Is that it?

Well, that’s the greatest part: That’s NOT it because now he’s going apeshit demanding his show back and attempting to galvanize his massive legions of fans! I mean, it bears mentioning that he’s on EVERY network, in EVERY magazine, on EVERY website (including this one) and in the world of all-publicity-is-good-publicity, he’s KILLING IT like no one ever has before, except maybe Monica Lewinsky or Osama. And that’s no easy task, folks.

Okay, I’m off to sprinkle magic all over the day of a toddler and his young baby sister, so I gotta stop wasting time here, but remind me, tomorrow I’m gonna tell you guys all about my experience with Lady Gaga last night. In what can only be described as an unexpected revelation, she’s incredibly, incredibly hot.

That shit’s true, folks.