ooh la la

There are two main demographic groups that go to lady gaga concerts: gay dudes and older women in bras. As I walked around the united center a couple of nights ago, I was repeatedly bombarded with this realization. The gay guys weren’t a shock. Lady gaga is to gay clubs and parties what that fat bunch of turds that sing about the bodies hitting the floor is to Marines (but not dead). As if to compensate for being such a large and potentially unshocking majority, the gay dudes were dressed up in costumes the likes of which this reporter has never seen.

I pissed next to a dude who was easily 6’6” and wearing platform boots. He was also wearing a prison striped bikini. Okay, that’s fine. That’s not even really that weird. I mean, I ordered my beer ($9) next to a cowboy in a large-mesh, skintight pink fishnet shirt, rainbow cords, a mesh cowboy hat and full on Elizabeth Taylor makeup (blue eye shadow, ruby red lips, mascara and false lashes, rouge). He was in his late forties, and in my opinion, he was rocking a much weirder outfit than boots and a bikini. However, my buddy in the bikini had also built a box around his head which had bars on the front that he was looking out through, like a mind prisoner or something. Oh, he also had a little guy on a leash, who ordered him to stand up and pee (there was a bit of a debate as to whether the mind prisoner should sit or stand, all conducted in sassy gaytino accents, which made it endlessly awesome).

So yeah, the gay dudes were out there, glammed up and in some cases, massively perved out, like the dude who was just in the assless leather speedo, knee high boots, spikey necklace and ball gag. The whole thing ran the gamut from disturbingly awesome to awesomely disturbing, but it was the women that really kind of surprised me.

At any concert, one will find women dressed up to maximize their assets. This is sometimes colloquially referred to as ‘dressing slutty’ but in my experience that paints a truly awesome style in a negative light, and I don’t want to do that. So, lets just say that at the Gaga concert there were plenty of women who felt their best assets were their tits, asses, legs, stomachs, backs and so forth. A humongously popular trend was being old and wearing just a bra instead of a shirt and a bra.

Now, it’s not that I’m one of those people who thinks that you’ve gotta be super attractive to dress sexy. That’s kind of shitty. And it’s not that these women looked bad in their bikini tops. I guess I’m just kind of surprised that women that age would be into that. I mean, I know women in their thirties. I know a lot of them. And I cannot for the life of me think of a single one of my thirty something female acquaintances that would go to a concert (or really anywhere for that matter) wearing just their bra, and I’m friends with some serious skanks. (At this point, before we leave the shirtless women and move on to the actual show, I should point out that most of the women in bras seemed like they were in their late thirties and early forties…not the twenty year olds, not even the thirty two year olds, the thirty nine to forty five year olds. It was a sight to behold….anyway).

Gaga has never struck me as attractive before. I mean, I think she’s super magnetic and I like her style (more than I like her music, though she’s really, truly an impressive vocalist [as evidenced during her performance, during which she obviously sang live {though to a track during the choruses, which I still consider to be fully acceptable, since after all, it IS the chorus and on those recordings the vocals are at the very least quintupled}]). But man, I’m wrong. And you out there…you that has seen the close ups on Larry King or the View or in front of capitol hill or at the grammys or whatever, you who think she looks like a melted pee wee herman in drag, you who thinks she’s got a fish chin, you who thinks, like I did, that finally, FINALLY a woman who’s not that hot is being celebrated worldwide for her talent and not her hotness…well, sorry to say, she’s SMOKING hot. She’s sexy and hot and beautiful and I’m as surprised to be writing this as you are to be sitting there shaking your head and saying ‘bullshit! Who does he think he’s fooling? I’ve seen her! She’s a pig!’

You’re wrong. I was wrong. She’s a stone cold fox. One of the best looking women I’ve ever seen in person. I mean, look…You’ve all seen pictures of famous people before and then seen them in person, right? They don’t really look like their pictures or movies when you see them live. Sometimes, they’re actually grotesque and ugly and sometimes they’re vastly more attractive than you’d ever imagined. That second one is what’s going on with Lady Gaga. (And me too, honestly. Have you ever seen pictures of me? Sure, I’m great looking in photos, but in person I’ll peel the paint off your barn [so to speak] with my incredible visage. Yeah, my sloppy, sweaty, droopy eyed photogenetics, stunning as they are, absolutely mask my unthinkable beauty. It’s no wonder I’ve done a ton of underwear modeling [the massive dong doesn’t hurt matters either].)

Anyway, the show started and it was a gigantic spectacle that probably costs a million dollars a day, bare minimum to do. Now, I’ve noticed that when big fans of lady gaga (gay dudes, old women in bras) talk about her shows, they say crazy, grandiose things like “oh my god! Lady gaga totally fucked my face with her mind” but to me, it was just pretty good. I mean, don’t get me wrong, she’s spectacular as a performer and the whole thing was executed beautifully, but I’ve unfortunately been raised in a world of quick cuts and spectacular feats of pyrotechnic prowess and such and the result is that after about forty five minutes of looking at almost anything, I get kind of bored. So the show was cool, but it didn’t compare to standing in the concourse and watching the freaks and slutes giddily flit about. That was the real party.

In closing, we were born this way my little monsters.

And so forth.