Thursday, October 27, 2011

a harrowing tale of adventure and thrills

This is weird. I go to the gym three to five times a week. I know pretty much everyone there, at least by face and they know me and my kids and overall, it’s a pretty nice place. Lately, there’s this dude who’s there and although I’ve never seen him actually working out, he’s completely ripped. Not an ounce of fat on the guy. How do I know this? Because he’s ALWAYS completely buck naked, just hanging out in the locker room. I’ve never seen him go for his clothes, I’ve never seen him in underwear or holding a towel. He’s just down there, super ripped and super naked.

Now, logic dictates that based on his physique and his constantly being at the gym that he’s exercising like crazy, but again, I’ve never seen him up in the gym, even when I come down from working out and he’s sitting there naked and wet with no towel, just SITTING there. You’d think that over the course of the previous hour I’d have at least glimpsed this dude amongst the weights and medicine balls, but no. I can’t overstate this point: this guy is just naked in the locker room all the time. I don’t know what’s going on, but it’s kind of bugging me out.

ANYWAY, yesterday I was taking my sweaty gym clothes off and naked locker room dude pops his head around the corner real quick then vanishes. About ten seconds later I remove my earphones and he pops back around the corner, again, completely naked.

“Hey.” He says. “I borrowed a lock from the guys at the desk out there and now it won’t open and I’m stuck. Can you go tell them so they can help me get to my stuff?”

Now, this seems pretty reasonable, but because it’s naked lurker lockerroom guy, I’m a little taken aback. Again, it bears mentioning that as usual, the dude is completely naked and wet. I recover, walk out and say to the young black guy at the check in desk “hey, there’s a dude in there who borrowed a lock and now it won’t open and he’s naked, so he can’t come out here. Have fun!” and my deed good deed was done for the day.

But as I’m going to my car, some questions emerge. Like, firstly, WHAT THE FUCK? Where were the clothes that he had, the ones that weren’t in his locker? Did he perhaps lock ALL his clothes in his locker? That seems crazy. Where are his gym shorts? Where is his swimming suit (I’ve come to the conclusion that he’s gotta be spending his time at the pool. It’s the only explanation unless he’s doing spin classes or something)? In short, what happened to his clothes? It bears mentioning that yes, a locker room is a place where people go to get naked. Being naked in a locker room is normal. It’s not a big deal, but engaging a stranger in conversation while naked is a little bit weird, and making some dude come in and cut off your lock while naked is pretty fucking uncomfortable for everyone involved, right? I mean, it would stand to reason that even if his shorts were soaking wet (there are dryers in the locker room, so this is pretty invalid anyway) he’d at least put them on to ask me to go talk to the guy, or he’d put them on and just go ask the dude himself, right? I mean, right? Am I nuts?

I suppose that the following could be an explanation: He got done with his spin class (heh), came to the locker room to take a shower and sit around naked all morning like he does, put all his stuff into his locker before his shower, locked the locker, went to the shower, came back to find everything was locked up and boom! He’s stuck (there are no towels available in the locker room. That’s a significant point, I guess) and he’s got no choice the one he made. In that circumstance, I guess it’s reasonable, BUT, what kind of fucking move is that? Who locks up their dirty gym clothes or goes to the shower without a towel or clothes? This guy, recall, is in this locker room every day, so he’s presumably keenly aware of the towel situation.

My friend thinks I got cruised. I told her the story and she was instantly positive that I had been cruised. To this I can only say, well, it IS a YMCA, and the guy obviously has a real love of the male form (in order to be a really ripped dude, you need to have a hilarious passion for the look of dude torso) AND hanging out in the locker room naked seems like a pretty trademark move if you’re looking to randomly exchange dick tastes with someone, so I guess that’s a pretty decent theory, although it doesn’t really add up to me. “Hey, my shit’s stuck in my locker, can you do me a solid and go get an employee” isn’t exactly the most sensual pick up line I’ve ever received, and while he may just be testing the water so to speak, you gotta figure that if you’re at that level where you’re lurking nude in the locker room, you’ve probably developed a smooth intro or two, right? You HAVE to have workshopped something better than “can you get a janitor in here.”

I don’t know. The whole thing is weird. I mean, I blew him, but I’m still not sure if that’s what he was hinting at.

Life’s really mysterious.

12 comments:

Unknown said...

Video of Dan Andriano covering Larry Arms in Germany on the Revival Tour - thought some socks might enjoy.

http://www.wdr.de/tv/rockpalast/extra/videos/2011/1012/the_revival_tour.jsp?offsetwert=6341&autoplaywert=true

Nico said...

Some thoughts...

Firstly, he might have dirty, smelly gym clothes, showered and cleaned up, and didn't want to put his dirty clothes back on?

Secondly, his "call the janitor" line is unlikely to be a pick-up line, because he can pull that shit three times tops before the staff will wise up to what he is doing...

Seagull Steve said...

Yeah, you totally got cruised. If you've never seen him do anything but be naked in the locker room, I think he is just fishing for some sweet gay sex. Next time you see him, casually drop some dick jokes and see what happens (which will probably be writing a blog about how some gross tattooed guy cruised him in the locker room).

Seagull Steve said...

@unknown thanks for the video, its good shit!

hall and oats said...

I had almost the same thing happen at a ymca in arizona. I do autobody and everybody used to say the guy who sells tools on the truck was gay. Not that i care, but any way i went to work out at the ymca and he was naked lurking the locker room too. I didnt blow him though, i just let him watch me spread my butt cheecks while he pleasured himself.

Drew said...

So instead of a locker room, it's a lurker room. Right?

charlie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
charlie said...

Haha, this blog cracked me up for 2 reasons.

1. Naked dudes being creepy is always funny.

2. As a fellow Chicagoan I just wrote a blog about all the naked old guys that populate my gym locker room. Thought you might enjoy: http://www.irrationalanger.com/2011/10/old-balls_24.html

(Should have proofread the first comment, whoops.)

dustyfloors said...

I was at a bar the other night and an old creepy dude told he could cure my hickups if I came back to his place and "lay down and stretch out." Your buddy should take pick-up line classes from that guy.

Robb said...

Xzibit, accosting you by your car five minutes later, by himself, in noticeably poor health - "We heard you wuz a fun dooood, so we thought we'd set up a gay croooooze!"

Neilchair said...

@Unknown Thanks ____!! I always am cruising (hiyo!) for some decent videos to kill my Friday at work. This will do nicely.

BEEXtrix Potter said...

"This is weird. I go to the gym three to five times a week."

That is weird