The one where I fuck Brad Pitt

Last night I was entertaining some guests and the subject of Brad Pitt’s star power came up in response to what I believe was a poorly phrased statement made by Robin Quivers, the news person on the Howard Stern show. She essentially said that Brad Pitt isn’t a movie star because his films tank and he can’t open a successful movie. At best he succeeds as part of an ensemble (like in the Oceans series), or when someone with a tried and true sense of vision is doing the heavy lifting (Inglorious Basterds) but for the most part, his movies completely flop.

And she’s right about that. Brad Pitt does not bring people to the theaters in droves. There’s a ton of evidence that backs this up. However, to say he’s not a movie star is absolutely fucking crazy. He’s a HUGE star. Everybody knows him and everyone can name his movies, whether or not they’ve seen them. That makes him a movie star. Yes, his private life is more interesting than his career, but the amount of bullshit mental gymnastics you have to do in order to exclude Brad Pitt from movie stardom is indicative of the fact that anyone making that argument is just an antagonistic cocksucker. He’s a movie star. He may not be great at the ‘getting motherfuckers to watch the movie in the theaters’ part, but he’s got the general ‘being a movie star’ thing down. Angelina is the same way. She’s been in exactly one movie that wasn’t a bomb and that was based on a fucking video game. Pretty impressive cults of personality those two have, you gotta admit.

One of the young ladies at my house last night suggested that this weird dichotomy between the Jolie-Pitt sardom vs success was particularly weird now that they’re “both not even that good looking anymore,” which prompted everyone in the room to groan loudly “oh, right. Like you wouldn’t fuck Brad Pitt if you had the chance!” She quickly capitulated and admitted that of course she would (citing the old “you HAVE to fuck a famous person if you get the chance, just for the story” theory). I opined that I would even fuck Brad Pitt if I had the chance, although as my reasoning through the situation progressed lots of interesting things were revealed and ultimately, I don’t know if I could go through with it. You guys want to hear about this? If so, read on. If not, see you tomorrow.

Okay, I’m a heterosexual male. I’m not physically attracted to Brad Pitt at all. I find him about as fuckable as a pig or a dog or a baby, which is to say the thought of fucking him revolts me. So why, oh why, gentle reader, would I offer to my peers that given the chance, I would have sex with Brad Pitt? Well, it’s simple: Because it would bum so many people out so badly (and unlike the other things on my “it’s revolting to fuck” list, there’s nothing morally wrong with fucking Brad Pitt). I’m kind of an antagonist by nature and I can think of very few things that would make a large swath of people so immediately and awesomely bummed out as if I was the person that fucked Brad Pitt. Women: devastated. Gay guys: Furious. People who read Us Weekly and love Brangelina: Heartbroken, Punks: Er…I don’t know, but that’s a reaction I’m dying to see. It seems like a no brainer: I fuck Brad Pitt really quickly and suddenly the entire stupid celebrity obsessed world is bummed out beyond belief and I’m (most likely) making money on some shitty interview circuit where I hold up my hand to mime the size of his dong to Wendy Williams and say things like “he was actually very tender.” That’s funny. No two ways about it. It’s funny.

But then, I thought about it and some more practical concerns came into play. For example, as I just mentioned above, I’m not in any way attracted to Brad Pitt. This would make it pretty difficult for me to get an erection and fuck him. This means that most likely the only way I could have sex with Brad Pitt is if he fucked me (because, have you seen me? There’s no doubt that he’d have no trouble pushin’ steel for a hunk like me), and that sounds a lot less appealing to me for some reason. Intellectually, it shouldn’t, since there’s nothing really sexual about me fucking Brad Pitt, and associating it with the way that I’m used to having sex (being the person doing the fucking) shouldn’t make it any easier, but you know what? It does. I don’t like the idea of Brad Pitt fucking me. I don’t know if I think it’s worth it to bum out a bunch of people. I’m not ruling it out, just saying it’s not as cut and dry as it is the other way. So what’s my move? Viagra?

This raises some more questions. Namely, how big is Brad Pitt? A quick googling reveals his height to be about the same as mine. He’s undoubtedly in better shape than I am, which means, pound for pound he’s bigger and more masculine than me, which is good because (in what’s surely a twisted, inverse version of the psychology above in which I discussed how I didn’t want him to fuck me) the more masculine, the better. I don’t want to be fuckng a tiny, hairless, smooth bottomed Brad Pitt that could kind of be a lady but who’s actually got a dong and balls and Brad Pitt’s head. I don’t like that proximity to my ideal type of sex partner. It’s better if the whole thing is just completely out of my comfort zone. No peas in the mashed potatoes, and so forth. And this is where shit gets weird(er):

Does Brad Pitt wax his asshole? I think the smart money is on ‘yes.’ I can’t picture that dapper father of six with a big, hairy ass crack, can you? But here’s the thing: Does that make him more or less fuckable? The knee jerk reaction is to say more, because hairy assholes, eeeeew. However, a very quick trip through my actual notion of what makes straight, male human beings cool reveals that it’s not so cut and dry. Think about this: If I were to wax my asshole, does that make me more attractive or less attractive? Picture your best straight guy friend: What does the notion that he waxes his asshole do to his sex appeal? I kind of think it makes it go down. (It bears mentioning that this is a crazy grey area because I know lots of gay dudes wax their assholes and totally dig it and I fully see why gay guys waxing their assholes is the way to go, and I AM talking about gay sex, although kind of not really, so we’re in a very odd corner of the ‘when’s a waxed asshole better than an unwaxed one’ protocol, and I don’t want to offend my happily waxed gay readers out there [and ladies, of COURSE waxing your asshole is totally fine {and much appreesh}]. Keep waxing those assholes!!!!)

So that creates a weird double edged sword where it’s either the more acceptable (but vastly grosser) hairy asshole or the more appealing (but icky) waxed asshole. That’s not exactly Sophie’s choice, but I’m not crazy about it.

So, I guess I don’t know. Maybe I wouldn’t have sex with Brad Pitt just to bum everyone out.

But I’d definitely suck his dick. That would be a stone cold groove.

See you tomorrow at the HOB!