Today I don’t have a lot of time. I have to go pick up my kid at school and then we have to have a rollicking good time so I can feel like a decent dad and not a gross, lazy pile of shit. It’s a delicate balance, because lord knows I don’t want to put TOO much effort into anything and make my kids think they’re ‘special’ or something. That’s a recipe for uppity kids. That’s some free advice, new parents. Anyway, since I’m gonna be flying free and easy today, I figured I’d just make a list of some stuff I really don’t like. I used to do lists here all the time, but for some reason it’s been a while. So, all you old timey Dogs Of War, get on your nostalgia glasses and get ready to party, eh? Without any further ado, here’s some stuff I hate:
Crystal Meth- I know what you’re thinking: Beex, what’s wrong with meth? It’s pretty much the ONLY way to roll if you need to stay up for four straight days and not eat anything. Also, if you’ve got a tooth that’s bugging you, meth will melt that pesky little fucker in no time! And yeah, you’re right. This is all true, but I miss the old days when I could go into Walgreens and by ten packs of batteries, a case of Sudafed, a large bottle of ammonia and a bunch of rubber tubes without the man getting all up in my business. Also, and maybe this is just me, but I get a little uncomfortable being around people covered in sores who have obviously just pissed their pants. Call me a princess if you must.
Child Pornography- Now, don’t get me wrong, I LOVE regular old pornography, but child porn seems like a whole different kind of thing to me. Maybe it’s just my old fashioned ways, but I’d say that when it comes to children, I think it’s stepping over a line to have them in porn. Honestly, I’ve never seen any kiddie porn and I really don’t even ever want to, because it sounds pretty uncool to me. Again, maybe I’m just a prude or some kind of draconian weirdo, but for whatever reason, I feel like people who make or consume child pornography should be uh….slowly and painfully destroyed? Is that fair? I know that may sound out there, but SOMEONE has to take a stand against that sort of thing. At the very least I think it should be illegal. Child porn, that is. Regular porn, to reiterate, the kind with NO kids in it, is good stuff.
Police Brutality- This one’s a bit of a grey area because I think that there’s lots of times that cops use excessive force and it’s just awesome, like when they burned those people in Waco or when they beat up Rodney King or yanked off that grandma’s diaper, but not long ago (fifteen years ago), I was being helped into a squad car (public urination) and the cop bumped my head against the door frame. AND he had the cuffs on so tight that I had creases in my wrists the next morning. That kind of shit is unnecessary, man. You know who else pisses in your precious park, Corning, NYPD? Hobos and dogs. Do you treat them that way too? Because that’s animal cruelty and/or hobophobia. Speaking of:
Bums- I can’t stand them. They’re always pissing in the parks and asking me for change or to help them out with some money to get their “lives” on “track” or to get their disgusting lip infections patched up. Listen, if I wanted to hang out with a helpless, stinky, illiterate, selfish asshole who shits their pants and sits around in the resulting filth demanding things from me, I’d hang out with my children.
Farting- I love it when I fart. It’s a dream come true. Not only does it smell great to me, but it bums out everyone else so instantly. It’s funny. But when you fart? Come on. Nobody wants to deal with your disgusting farts, man. And there you are just loving it! Scooping it up to your nose from your asshole with your cupped hand. It’s revolting. It makes me want to vomit, frankly.
Black People- KIDDING!
Hippies/Crusties- You’re the same. You both have dreadlocks and bugs living in your vest and you’ve got that dog on a rope and you stink and you cry about assholes not giving you things for free while you, in fact, give nothing to anyone at all (your dog would be much better off if he wasn’t tied to you, by the way). You spout high minded rhetoric and eat garbage. You HATE being called hippies when you’re a crusty, and you REALLY hate when people call crusties hippies when you’re a hippy, but guess what assholes? You just have dreads in different places and different shitty patches on your shitty jackets. If I wanted to sit next to someone that smelled like shit and wanted to steal my lunch, I’d hang out with bums. At least they’ve got no choice. Being a hippy or a crusty is like slumming in the world of mental illness. It’s the cerebral equivalent of cruising around in a wheelchair for fun.
Curtains/blinds- Um, excuse me curtains. I was trying to watch the young lady inside get undressed. Do you mind?
I dunno. This list could go on for a while. Maybe it’s time to quit while I’m behind. Oh, I’m playing with NOFX this weekend. Come witness the magic.