Friday, October 28, 2011

they sounded....asian.

I’m waiting for the cable guy right now. It sucks. I know this kid named Nate, and he’s kind of a weird, greasy haired little Mitch Hedberg disciple (though that sounds like a shitty description. He’s a good guy) and one of the jokes in his routine is “I was fucking the cable guy the other day, and it was a real bummer, because you know how long it takes for the cable guy to come.”

It’s okay. It’s pretty good. It would be a lot better if the cable guy was fucking him, because let’s be honest, if you’re fucking the cable guy do you REALLY care if he comes? But if he’s fucking you, I’d imagine that he couldn’t come fast enough. If there’s one thing that I don’t think of when I think of cable guys it’s that they’re attentive lovers. Which brings me to my point:

Do people really end up fucking their cable guys and plumbers and pizza boys and shit? Does that really happen? Okay, I’ve GOT to imagine that there’s a situation, say in Boystown or Manhattan or the Castro where there’s an everyone’s-gay-at-every-stage-in-the-life-of-the-pizza situation and that occasionally, or even often, leads to blowjobs, but that’s a fairly unique situation, and really it’s not at all what I’m talking about.

I’m referring to the standard trope where someone is home in a regular neighborhood, waiting for a regular pizza guy or cable guy in skimpy clothes and with a little hinting and seduction Boom! Free HBO! Does that happen? It seems like something drummed up by either cable guys or porn directors because man, it just seems a little too good to be true. I’d think bored, sexy housewives (or houseboys in the case of gay guys) would be able to bang someone a little bit more exciting than the cable guy, if for no other reason than because in my experience, by the time the cable guy shows up I’m fucking pissed off and tired of waiting. I’m definitely not horny. Usually, I’m staring at the clock, pissed off that they gave me a four hour window of time and managed to show up either half an hour early or an hour late. Usually I’m noticing that they smell significantly worse than my house and usually I’m incredibly frustrated by their lack of interest in fixing my problems or even really identifying them beyond, “well, yeah. You’ll probably have to get an electrician in here or something. I don’t know.”

But hey, I’m kind of an asshole, and I can imagine that if I was single and a hot female cable girl came over and was somewhat helpful that I’d probably try to put the moves on her. But that’s because I’m a guy and the hot female cable guy does not exist. It’s like saying I’d attempt to fuck a unicorn or a gorgon, and besides, her entire life would be just a series of creepy dudes hitting on her mercilessly. “Hot cable girl” is up there with embedded female journalist in the supermax prison shower room in terms of rapey potential because, well, it just is. If you’re a hot woman, as a general rule, having a job where you go into the houses of strangers by yourself is a pretty bad idea. It’s an unfortunate truth. Just like short guys don’t tend to get jobs in the NBA and guys are rarely Hooters girls (and yeah, working at hooters is ‘exploitive’ I guess, but I’d WAY rather be a hooters girl than a cable guy).

That said, do you think it EVER happens? Do you cable guys/pizza guys/plumbers/poolboys out there ever actually get seduced by women (or dudes) in their homes? It seems really, really unlikely that it ever happens, but fuck, that one guy in Germany found someone who wanted to cook and eat his penis with him and if you were gonna ask me to bet on which is the more likely situation, I’d say the cable guy blowjob WAY before the mutual cannibalism (although when you factor German weirdness into the whole thing I guess it becomes slightly more even in terms of odds). Only one thing is for sure: When this guy shows up, I’m gonna suck his dick, whether he likes it or not. Maybe I’ll answer the door naked and wet and tell him my lock is malfunctioning.

That’s all. Have a good weekend.

46 comments:

+/- said...
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boringdan said...

At one point I worked for a phone company and part of my job involved activating and installing phone lines in people's houses. I never got seduced, and in 18 months I think I had approximately 3 good looking female customers.

However, one time I knocked on a door and was greeted by a late-middle-aged, topless, Ugandan (or something) woman. She just stood there topless the entire time I was there. Nothing happened because she was old and gross and refused my advances, but it was a day to remember.

Mostly I only saw cock roaches and disgusting apartments, though it also led to me seeing someone smoke crack in person for the first time. And a fireman gave me weed as a tip.

Candice said...

i've wanted to bone a cable guy before but it wasn't dan

Mike said...

Was a pizza delivery guy for a year or so a few years back. Never got hit on by any housewives, unfortunately. Did come across a lot of single, middle-aged stoner dudes though. In hindsight, that was a lot more fun.

Sarah_D_37 said...

It happens. I was at a small house party a few years ago. This drunk chick was talking about the pron scenario and was dead set on making it a reality. She ordered dominos. When the delivery guy got lost, he called her...She stayed on the phone with him giving directions, and lots of gross explicit promises.
He arrived, she handed him money, a beer, took the pizza and closed the door... He happened to be an unattractive 17 year old. The actual event was a lot funnier than my lame recount.

It's A-Me, Martucci said...
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It's A-Me, Martucci said...

I remain convinced the likelihood of the spontaneous sex scenario goes in descending order from moderate for pool guy (definitely, but not as much as you'd think) to cable guy, plumber, and non-existant for pizza guy.

Sara, I must say the lead-in to your remark was highly inappropriate, as it suggests support for the pizza man fuck scenario rooted in a juicy first hand experience/eyewitness account.

Simply saying "yea it happens!" and then providing a lame anecdote that amounts to 'bein silly to the pizza guy on the phone, before proceeding to not have sex with him' doesn't make for a convincing case. That's just good ol' fashioned 'saturday night faggotry' for lack of a better term

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

Also telling, Sara, is that the gal in your anecdote was contemplating the pizza man fuck directly in response to its known status as a common porn trope, rather than of her own accord. Why? NOBODY has ever said "I'm lonely/my husband's a pitiful cuckold/I'm drunk/I'm spontaneous, and by golly I'm gonna get some DICK with my pizza!", i.e. premeditated. Never.

For this occupational fuck scenario to hold even the slightest chance of transpiring, it would seem an extended period on the premises (and the corresponding time for the seeds of temptation/desire to germinate) would be required, which eliminates delivery guy outright--again UNLESS it is premeditated, which, again, nope.

Great topic though

It's A-Me, Martucci said...
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It's A-Me, Martucci said...

Ok I retract my previous statements - I could totally see a hot-to-moderately attractive single late 30s/40-something gal drunk off overpriced Merlot making the conscious decision to "totally make a pass at the pizza guy, IF he passes muster" based off some shitty advice she got from one of those faux-empowering, Sex in the City-ish "20 krrrazy things every woman NEEDS to do" lists or some shit. Still the bottom rung of the likelihood latter by far though

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

latter?? Ladder, bro, ladder! ahahahahahah Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Sarah_D_37 said...

yeah... The idea of sharing the story seemed like a good idea. It was a bit of a let down.

and its Sarah...

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

Well, I just meant 'lame' in that I was led to think "Holy shit--it DOES happen, and this is how!" and then, I was treated to routine friday night college shennanigans, which, while funny, are underwhelming next to what your intro had me expecting, haha

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

Sorry about the missing H. Even if I'm kinda crass I'm usually at least good with getting names right.

Sarah_D_37 said...

I concur. I had added more amusing details, but had posting issues. I was at work, and I didn't feel like retyping the entire story.

The original version really expressed the disappointment of the random drunk chick, and the 17 year old pizza delivery boy...

Was really one of those, 'had to be there' moments

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

I think I get it now. So she was pretty adamant on making it a reality, and the age/lack of attractiveness of the pizza guy brought the whole thing to a halt? That's actually very funny

Sarah_D_37 said...

Yes. Now you're picking up what I'm putting down

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

Im actually having fun deciding which scenario is funniest - too young AND too ugly? Total Taylor Lautner-y stud but jailbait? Just an ugly 35-year old? Was it Beex? Ooooooooooo shiiiiiiiiiiiiii
beeeeex just playing you know I want your diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

BEEXtrix Potter said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AsQB1n8f9s

strawberryannswitzerland said...

oh, it definitely happens.

a few years ago, i ordered some food and invited the very cute/very surprised delivery driver in for what has probably been his best tip to date.

the same day that next week, i called him again. he said he was hoping to hear from me and that it was his birthday that day. nice.

haven't done anything like that since, but i can verify that it is a lot of fun to seduce a much younger delivery driver in a short skirt and no panties. just sayin.

and yes, there was video. true story.

p.s. long time reader, first time poster...i love your blog/open minded views on sexuality, brendan.

Robb said...

"Your filthy LUST invited them in!"

--Nicolas Cage in Trespass

treat yourselves, folks

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

Ann, kindly stop lying. Both about this and about Hard Boiled. No female on earth likes that movie, presuming they've even heard of it. Much like surprise pizza boy fucks not existing outside the realm of porn fantasy, it's a simple objective truth.

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

Ok, ok, I kid. But, question 1 (rhetorical): Did the idea come to you on a whim, or was it directly in reaction to its stature as a porn staple (i.e. "wouldn't it be fun to bring THAT fantasy to life!" ala Sarah's acquaintance above), or straight from the pages of some contrived female-centric "take life by the horns" suggestion list?
Question 2 (genuine) Did you cut a small circular hole through the bottom of the pizza box and pie in order to allow the pizza faggot to thrust into your mouth, as an homage to "Bigsausagepizza.com"?

heehee you goddamn liar

Autotwats/Decepticunts said...
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Autotwats/Decepticunts said...

Brendan, I'd like to bring something to the collective attention of you/the drawer. No, not that secretly nobody likes Kevin James, I think everyone sort of silently acknowledges that - in slumming the comments for this new Onion AVclub article lambasting James Franco's latest asinine poseur-ish artistic endeavor, I encountered one of the more flagrant misuses of the term irony in recent memory. Worse, this remarks has 100+ likes and counting! Yikes! Salting the wound, following the patently disingenuous facebook template, there's no option for/display of dislikes.

http://www.avclub.com/articles/james-franco-likes-that-morons-dont-understand-his,64210/

"The irony is that an inflatable doll could have saved Natalie Woods' life." (104 likes)

...What a faggot, hehe

Anne said...

Spirited discussion on this one, which is surprising to me as I didn't know this was a controversial issue. Yes, I'm older and therefor out-of-touch. Now the title, that is the puzzle.

Autotwats/Decepticunts said...
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Autotwats/Decepticunts said...

On a side note, do any of you still like/pretend to like that movie The Crow? If so, what's wrong with you? Do you at least feel real ashamed? Fiiiire it uuup! Fiiire it uuuup~!

Brendan Kelly said...

strawberry ann, in the spirit of journalistic integrity and so forth, please make with the video.

strawberryannswitzerland said...

ok. martucci...this female loves hard boiled. the beginning tea house sequence is one of the best opening scenes ever. it was john woo's last hong kong film before he started making films in america. and chow yun fat is brilliant.

as far as my delivery boy tryst, it was premeditated. i actually placed small orders at 3 different places. as the delivery drivers pulled up and got out of their cars, i was checking them out from my window. 3rd time was a charm! i did it because yes...it is amusing and a porn stereotype. but honestly, i also did it because i knew it would make an unforgettable day for the recipient. i'm a giver and i get a lot of pleasure from giving.

the world would be a much better place if people (safely and respectfully) explored their sexuality instead of keeping it hidden. there is no time for shame.

and brendan...unfortunately, i'm not able to share. the video is not in my possession any more...long story. also, there are people i know that also read this blog, so maybe i'll shoot ya an email this week. it's a good story.

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

Ann...regurgitating little Hard Boiled factoids that anyone can nab off its wiki/imdb page isn't going to convince me your knowledge of it is anything more than circumstantial - e.g. you had a vaguely dweeby gunplay movie enthusiast bf who maybe also collected original authentic arcade boards, had a vague love of "all things asian-y", had a lil' goat but couldnt grow a full beard, etc, but that's neither here nor there.

As for delivery boy sex, I was just being a sensationalist provocateur dicklick by saying "it NEVER happens", but I do firmly believe, as you affirmed in your case, it was a porn scenario first and foremost and any real life pizza boy suckoffs have been in conscious response to that; i.e. the notion never occurred to any woman prior to or independent of that conception.
Oh and j/k about Hard Boiled. Well sort of. Clearly I'm just appealing to the (based in truth) stereotype re: women/John Wooooo flicks

Anne said...

Jesus Christ Martucci, there's 2 Annes on here right now. Just to clarify for any passers by. I have never had sex with delivery boys and I've never seen Hard Boiled.

Anne said...

And strawberryannswitzerland. The world cannot be made a better place with indiscriminate sex. The hippies tried that in the 1960's and the world was not made better for it. If you want to "give" in this way, just do it, but don't attach global significance to an easy fuck. Jesus, I'm glad you're not my daughter. I'd shoot myself.

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

Yea pretty sure there was no confusion whatsoever, AnnE. You're Anne, she's Ann. I venture it's pretty obvious in context who am I was replying to for anyone with a fully formed brain. I mean, I'll be goddamned if I'm going to write 'strawberry ann'.

That said, I think I may prefer other Ann to you, though, after those last remarks. Who are you, fucking Sarah Palin?

strawberryannswitzerland said...

anne--wow. really? and also...indiscriminate sex and exploring your own sexuality are two COMPLETELY different things. most people don't want to accept/deal with the fact that sexuality is part of the human condition, along with eating, breathing, sleeping. yet we stifle and shame ourselves into a box of what we think sexuality is/should be. my point was the world would be a better place if we as humans were in healthier congruence with our sexual selves. you may disagree and that's ok, of course.

martucci--i'm not sure why you are so insistent about this (off topic...no offense) hard boiled thing. i agree that most girls do not like/appreciate john woo films, but i do. they're really visually beautiful in a twisted way (also see 'the killer', 'face/off') and if you knew me you would know that i am definitely not like most girls. anyway...i don't really feel like i need to prove anything here, but i will say that aside from the tea house opener, my other favorite part is when tony pulls the gun out of the book at the library to do a hit. that scene is ace.

but i digress...my whole point of posting on this thread in the first place was to demonstrate that fantasy can and does sometimes equal reality. and i think that is delicious.

the end.

strawberryannswitzerland said...

p.s. martucci...my name is a reference to a song by a band that i really like called braid. it's a great tune and i just like the way those 3 words look together :)

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

Yeah, I understand you enjoy Hard Boiled. Rather than speaking literally I was, ya know, making light of the fact that your numbers are probably in the low double digits. In the same way I said banging the pizza boy (boy, I'm really fucking sick of the pizza guy) has 'never' happened.
I have a couple Braid records. I couldnt name a song to save my life

Anne said...

I knew I'd get gutted for that comment hehe.

Anne said...

I'm not Sarah Palin, I'm a wildlife biologist and I used that comment to provoke a predictable response. Like shootin' ducks in a pond hehe.

It's A-Me, Martucci said...
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It's A-Me, Martucci said...

Ohh, ok. So you weren't doing that thing where you let slip your real (arguably antiquated and retarded) thoughts on a matter, then backpaddle and chalk it up to "just fishing for a reaction!" after the fact, and that you're not actually just an aging, reactionary bigot that feels lost and alienated in what you (myopically) perceive as a "a new world of youthful wanton hedonism + lack of accountability", longing for a return to "the old ways"--the likes of whatever the fuck constitutes that lost even on you? Whew, glad to hear that's not the case! hehee

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

Beeeeeeeeeex!? NOOOO, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNE!!

Anne said...

Good one Martucci. I'm 49 and my time went long ago. It's the thirty somethings that now have to struggle with their irrelevance. But you knew that already didn't you? I'm impervious to your insults. Fire away. Phwooosh.

jully said...

I think, Sara, I must say the lead-in to your remark was highly inappropriate, as it suggests support for the pizza man fuck scenario rooted in a juicy first hand experience/eyewitness account. Phone Sex

strawberryannswitzerland said...

sigh. i honestly don't understand how people get gratification by being mean and rude to others. life is too short to be deliberately rude to people you don't even know. it's sad, really, but it's unfortunately prevalent on the internets. whatever.

anyway...martucci..you should listen to braid more. bob nanna is an amazing songwriter. and yes, my number is low. i am very adventurous, but very picky and safe.

Jeremy Hollinger: Consummate Purfeshinal said...

Wait is Jully some sort of spam bot or just someone kinda on the brink of something funny/insulting but cant quite convey it properly?