Tuesday, February 17, 2009

and now for a mature bit of social discourse

Would you rather fuck a dog but no one would ever know or NOT fuck a dog but everyone would think you had fucked a dog and there’d be no way to convince them otherwise? This is the final question of the series that starts with the very similar hobo killer question from a few posts ago (POP QUIZ!!!!!). In between are various situations that are everything from boning a huge disgusting person to committing various victimless/almost victimless crimes…The only two questions that are really REALLY important are the hobo question and the dog fucking question.
SO, what’s it gonna be? Dog fucking? Or just the IDEA of dog fucking?
I was in hockey camp once and I remember that this dude who was there had the reputation of having fucked his own sister. I don’t know if it was true, but well, it didn’t matter because when you’re someplace as full of assholes as a hockey camp, and something like that comes up, dude, you’re a sister fucker. It’s that simple. Point is, sexual deviance, REAL sexual deviance…not shit that’s FINE that prudes and religious assholes are just creeped out by-- like buttfucking, or felching or being gay or using dildos or liking it when someone licks your ass…I’m talking incest, beastiality (or zoophilia for those of you from Massachusetts) uh…I guess we have to add kid fucking, and, hmmm…what else? Corpse fucking? Yeah, let’s throw in necrophilia too…is a pretty heavy stigma to live with. People LOVE to talk about creepy shit that other people have been caught doing, or even that they’ve just HEARD that they’ve been caught doing. It’s the kind of thing that makes motherfuckers feel great about themselves. People love the idea that they’re morally superior to their friends and/or everyone else. Don’t believe me? Go out and get drunk with your coworkers. Then, show up the next day and watch everyone come up to you and go “wow…YOU were WASTED last night” and kind of smugly condescend. Now, this will happen one hundred percent of the time. Why? Because people are assholes. Nevermind that the whole purpose of going out and getting drunk is going out to…duh…GET DRUNK. Never mind that everyone was drunk. Never mind that this asshole talking to you drove home after drinking all night (a far more reprehensible move than just being drunk, by the way). Never mind any of that shit. It’s irrelevant. The point is, some asshole wants to shame you. At all times. Why? Because they’re insecure or afraid of their own actions or they’re just genuine sadists who love that kind of shit.
Now, that’s just being drunk among a group of people who aren’t actually your friends…Take it to a new level: You’re a dog fucker. That’s just despicable, no two ways about it. (oh, and if there are any people out there who disagree…gross. You’re gross. Yes. I’m judging you to be gross. Sorry. Call me a closed minded small towner if you MUST, but man, fucking dogs…not cool). Motherfuckers are going to be ALL OVER calling you a dog fucker, making fun of you, hating you, probably doing shit to your house and car, and NOT just because they love the idea of shaming you, there’s also the very real task of making sure that you don’t get near anyone’s dog. I mean, can you imagine the looks you’d get petting your neighbor’s Labrador?…it would be bad. However, there is the other option….

You could actually fuck the dog.

I don’t even think I need to go into why this one is so fucked up…let’s just say you can’t get drunk before and….look, it’s just how it sounds, okay? No dildos, no sneaky shit…just regular old you fucking a regular old dog. Doggy style, I guess. I don’t know. (did you know that dogs actually fuck ass to ass? It’s true…anyway)
So there you go…Fuck a dog and no one ever knows, or DON’T fuck a dog and everyone is positive you did. Here’s the thing: Fucking a dog would be gross, wrong and difficult to do (I don’t know how you coax up a boner when the thing you’re about to bang is a dog…seems like it would be impossible) but having the STIGMA of having fucked the dog would A) last forever and B) ruin your life and the lives of people around you. I think, that if I was really put in this position, I may have to fuck the dog…I can’t have my kid growing up with everyone thinking his dad’s a dog fucker…that would be devastating. My wife would leave me for sure. I’d be unable to tour…because who wants to go see some dogfucker sing about getting drunk and seizing the day? No one. It takes on a pretty creepy new meaning once that rumor starts up…It would suck. I mean, actually fucking a dog would suck too, terribly (terrieribly…heh), but it’s not like the dog ends up dead, and it can still have a normal life and you can too…if you can some how put the dog fucking episode out of your mind. The thing is, that memory would be rough, but the dog fucking stigma, that would keep dog fucking in the front of your consciousness forever…fuck.
Hey, there are no easy answers in this world….
I’m gonna go, but in a related note, there was a guy in Russia a few weeks ago who tried to fuck a raccoon and got his dick bitten off. He admitted he was drunk at the time. What the fuck, man? A raccoon? Those things aren’t even hot! I mean, jesus, give me a dog over a raccoon…I guess. I mean, what? Nothing. Okay, this blog is over.

16 comments:

michael michael motorcycle said...

This question was in my fortune cookie last night at the Thai Palace: I guess it's a Dog-Eat-Dog world, eh?

SaulioSBJ123 said...

The answer SHOULD be the same as the answer to the hobo-killing (because, frankly both are fucked toward the creature too and people SHOULD care about the other thing's feelings), however, I think people would, sadly, be more judgmental about fucking a dog than killing a hobo. I just don't know...

Robert A. Eaton said...

Large breed or small breed? Kidding.

Ian said...

I'd fuck the dog. No question. I'd rather have it be my own deep dark secret than have people thinking I did something gross that I didn't do. That shit's infuriating.

Besides, ever since Blink 182 got popular dog fucking has been looked at in a whole new light.

Matt Ramone said...

Relationship question.

So you're in IKEA with your sweetie. You have a definite agenda for stuff you want/need (it's a big sale weekend). Why does she insist on continuing to look through the rest of the stuff, especially the stuff we'll probably never be likely to afford? And when asked why she's doing this, all she says is "I'm trying to get ideas."

The question is: how worried should I be?

everyoneiskindofhappy said...

For the record. I would still go see a dogfucker sing about getting drunk and seizing the day.

Kyle Krische said...

I'd take the dog, no questions asked.

kylewagoner said...

I actually know a guy that fucks his dog. He was dating a friend of mine and she found out he was gay and fucks his dog, but she was living with him, so there wasn't really anything she could do but move away to Maine. I guess I don't consider him a revolting person, but I DO think of him fucking a dog every time he's brought up in conversation...so yeah, it can be bad, but I guess not so bad that no one would come see you on a tour.

J✫sh said...

There's no possible way I could ever fuck a dog. Stigma or not. If worse came to worse you could move to a country where no one's ever heard of you and dog fucking is ok. At the end of the day, at least you'll know you never fucked a dog. But then you'd be living around people that actually do fuck dogs openly....

Justin said...

"I’d be unable to tour…because who wants to go see some dogfucker sing about getting drunk and seizing the day?"

Shenanigans to this. See fans of G.G. Allin. Proof that you can fuck a dog and still tour.

DrewYork said...

this question seems to be bias... how does a female get the dog's redrocket going long enough to bone her?

... I am not even a girl, and I think this one is simply unfair!

Brenden said...

I'd fuck the dog, then write a song about it, and get famous as shit...

I mean WHO'S back?

Manny Los Gatos said...

I don't think anyone should care what other people think of them. People might already think you are a dogfucker or killed a hobo. People misconstrue shit all the time and they judge people for no reason. People judge you for having a lot of tattoos, for being in a punk band, for being a bartender, what's the difference. you shouldn't care what other people think. All you have at the end of the day is yourself and your feelings about who you are. If you are content with who you are and the decisions that you have made, then fuck everybody else.

Wayne Michael said...

whats worse, fucking a dog or being michael vick and getting off on brutaling killing dogs? If you can actually get hard then go for it even though you are pretty sick and twisted in a sexually deviant way. Mexican chicks get fucked by donkeys all the time. I'm dissapointed your recap of your mexico trip didnt include a visit to one of these iconic mexican establishments.

Kyle Milton said...

"because who wants to go see some dogfucker sing about getting drunk and seizing the day? No one"

this made me laugh so hard

Andrew said...

"terrierbly" is quite possibly the funniest thing in context i have ever read