Thursday, February 12, 2009

POP QUIZ!!!!!!!!!

Would you rather kill a hobo, but no one would ever know about it, or NOT kill a hobo but have everyone in the world think you had? I’m talking your parents, your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend best buds sisters…EVERYONE is POSITIVE you killed the hobo and there’s just no way you could convince them otherwise. What would it be? Here are some things to keep in mind.
1. You would not go to jail, either way.
2. You can not be black out drunk or any such thing to prevent you from remembering the hobo slaughter.
3. There is no third choice.
This is an ancient game that was developed by people who sit in vans/on busses for epic stretches of eternity to pass the time. It’s intended as a test of morality and/or world view and hopefully, it gets to the core of you, the answerer, as a person, at least a little. For example, in the above, we’ve got a hobo…he’s old and drunk, probably already completely numb…He’s not benefiting society in any way, in fact some would say he’s a defective and offensive part of society (though I would disagree, just for the record), and certainly, since he’s already out there, being a hobo, no one would miss him were he to suddenly be bludgeoned to death with a large soup tureen, just for example. It’s a victimless crime, unless of course, you count the hobo himself.
The downside is, you have to stand there and take a human life. AND you have to do it without the benefit of ideology, fear or any sort of concept of ‘otherness’ and those ‘others’ intent to harm the people you love (which are, as per my understanding the three things they drill into you to make you a killing machine…make you love the guys you’re out there with, tell you how the enemy hates them, repeat that you’re fighting not only for your family, freedom and country, but also for this guy next to you and his little kids…if you fuck up, hesitate for an instant, it’s old Ox here that dies, his little daughter that cries etc…). You just have to stand there and repeatedly stab that hobo with a cheese grater until he dies, (just for example). BUT, you get away with it…that’s cool too. People like getting away with things. I have personally stolen things I don’t need or even want just for the satisfaction of getting away with it (anyone need a patio couch?). So yeah…there’s that.
But there you are in bed with your boyfriend, and you’re hugging him and he tells you you’re so sweet, and all you can see are those yellow hobo eyes, pulled taut with rheumy fear…the three teeth, just dangling there as he screams “DO YOU GOT ANY MORE CIGARETTES?????!!?!!!!!!” as you bring the iron down on his neck. That’s gotta be rough…
On the flipside, the other choice, where everyone thinks you’re guilty though you’re not, there’s the personal satisfaction of having never killed a hobo, which I hope most of us already possess. BUT, the stigma would be brutal. Have you ever been innocent of something that everyone thought you did? How long before you began searching your mind to determine if perhaps it’s YOU who had it wrong? “Maybe I DID steal the tip off the table…Huh…I really didn’t mean to. And I didn’t THINK I did…Did I? NO! OF course not! Where’s the money if I did? These people are assholes!”
Something like this right? We’ve all been there. And listen, when it’s your poor old grandma calling you and saying “Katie, the neighbors are all talking about that hobo you killed. They say it was particularly brutal. I’m disappointed Katie. You’re out of my will,” it can’t feel good. How can you disappoint gam gam like that, huh?
Now, on the other hand, there will be people (horrible people) who will be stoked on you for killing a hobo, and if you can deal with drinking Jagermeister, openly mocking homosexuals, calling black guys ‘nigs’ calling Mexicans ‘spics’ (and on and on like this) and you know, high fiving about how brutal you were when you fucked the fat girl from the taco stand last night (“she had fear in her eyes! High Five!!!!!”) then maybe the celebrity of being a hobo killer is right for you. If so, hey, good on ya, but know here and now, I don’t like you. Sorry.
The real upside here is that you aren’t a killer at the end of the day, which is huge, but again, kind of small consolation when your entire world is positive you are.
I will tell you, I’ve asked this question a lot to people. Women, about 100% of the time pick option 2 and I think, (I hope) that any man that picks option 1 is just kind of goofing around and not taking the question that seriously…but you DO get dudes who say shit like “fuck it. Let’s kill a hobo.” You can just tell they don’t care…they’re not thinking about the question, which cheapens the game, BUT they’re also not driving from Denver to Chicago with nothing else to do to pass the time, so I guess that’s fair.
The final group are the assholes who say things like “I don’t have to answer this. This is stupid. I’m never gonna be in that situation. Shut up.” They try to worm through every loophole “my mom would ALWAYS BELIEVE ME. SO this question is stupid.” Yeah, sure…that’s true, hopefully. And I bet she’d be proud of you for wiggling out of this question by using semantics and avoiding the whole point/fun of the exercise too you lame fuck. Congratulations, you’re the social equivalent of the asshole who just buys the shit that’s tagged wrong in the grocery store, regardless of what it is, because that makes it free, or the douche that uses the internet to answer the question at the coffee place to get ten cents off his drink. Good work. You got out of answering a question. Here’s a new puzzle, ready? Why do people find you so irritating? CORRRECT! You do NOT have to answer that one either. Wow! 2 for 2. Good work.
Finally, I’m aware that uncreative dildos have co opted this game and named it ‘would you rather’ and created dumb cards with questions like “would you rather have seventeen regular sized testicles or one giant one?” But that’s just the new jack co-opting of a pre existing culture. To give those turds credit for this ancient tradition in time wasting would be like giving Snap Crackle and Pop credit for inventing hip hop just because of that cocoa krispies ad from the 80s. You all hear me?
Oh, and just one last thing: seventeen regular ones FOR SURE…you have so many more tucking options. That big one would have no give whatsoever.

16 comments:

Capt Murdock said...

I think I have the correct answer.

And that answer is Yes I would like a patio couch.

Would I have to pay shipping or would you cover that?

Thanks in advance bro.

Taylor said...

quick and easy, like a nursing home.

Wayne Michael said...

Patrick Bateman didnt give a fuck, he took out the homeless guy and his dog. I kind of felt bad when i watched that so I would have to go with option 2. However, using the word hobo versus homeless changes things. When you say hobo all i think of is old bald dude with clown makeup and a bag on a stick riding a train and that image is just annoying so wait for the guy to drink till he passes out and push him out of his train car and onto the tracks and let the train collect its toll for all of the free rides.

SaulioSBJ123 said...

At first, I thought I'd go for killing the hobo - but then I realized I don't think I could kill the hobo if I had to. Anyway, whichever answer I pick will be my own selfishness (not wanting to have to kill, not being a "bad guy" in everyone's eyes) rather than actually caring about someone else dying (the hobo).

eugene herbert wallis said...

You're in the desert camping with your family, there's no one else around for miles. In the middle of the night you leave your tent to go take a leak, mid pee you get bitten on the end of your cock by a snake. Do you wake up your mum or dad to suck out the poison

A l e x said...

I'm pretty sure I would go with option 1. I base this on the fact that if I was a hobo myself I would want someone else to put me out of my misery (obviously if I'm still alive I don't have the guts to kill myself). I think it would probably add an interesting philosophical depth to my life. Now, of course it would be something relatively nice, like I get him massively drunk and then slit his throat in his sleep or something. But the conversation beforehand would be really awkward in a beautiful sort of way. So... yeah.

Showtyme said...

I'd go with option 1. It's always kind of been a dream of mine to have the opportunity to kill and get away with it. I want to know what it feels like to feel a knife slide through flesh... So, I guess that may sound kind of freaky, or make me sound crazy, but fuck it... You asked, I felt like telling, and there we have it.

Option 1 for sure....

Eric said...

Option 2. And it's not because I don't know if I'd be capable of killing the hobo. I'd rather not find out if I'm capable of killing the hobo. Then what if I didn't feel bad about it? What a dark door that would open up. I'd rather have everyone think I'm a dick, because I actually am kind of a dick. They'd all be wrong and I already think I'm right all the time anyways.

Anthony said...

id pick option 2. if no one believed me then they could go fuck themselves

Jason said...

I would go with option #2, but instead of denying it, I would come out and admit it. I would tell everyone that I only killed hobos from 2001-2003, I was feeling a lot of pressure at the time, and that I was young, naive, and stupid. Oh, and that I was very sorry.

alkalinepunk13 said...

hey brendan what do you think about Teenage Bottlerocket signing to FAT?

Tom said...

Regardless of the hobo killing situation, you should continue to discuss your past careers, more specifically, how you played in a ska band. Your blog is pretty awesome and as lame as it sounds, every once in a while I really look forward to reading it while i am in class or at work.

Nico said...

Weird, too many ones here. I dunno if I could kill anyone... Raskolnikov thought he had a reason to kill, and no-one would know, but eventually his OWN conscience got the better of him, and I suspect most humans would be the same (at least I would be).

I would rather let other people think I am fucked up, than having to regard myself as fucked up. Other peoples opinion shouldn't factor into this, only your own conscience.

Although I *do* have a very Aristotelean approach to ethics. :/ Still, I dont wanna fucking kill someone.

P.S Don't Write said...

I'd pick option 2. Everyone already hates me, seriously, everyone. At least now they'd also fear me, which means they'd be too scared to pick on me like they usually do.

P.S Don't Write said...

plus added bonus, nobody dies.

tobiasjeg said...

Hey dude, you forgot about the other kind of asshole in the Q&A game: the guy who comes up with the questions and passes judgment on the answerer regardless of which shitty option he/she ends up choosing.

That guy becomes an even bigger asshole when he is outwitted by one of his victims/answerers when they apply additional qualities to the already damning circumstances. Like that one time when I chose to be raped at sea by pirates but I alo chose the pirates to be foxy amazons. Boy were you steamed...