Wednesday, February 11, 2009

i feel sick to my stomach...har dee har har

I don’t feel great. My kid got some sort of cough and I think he gave it to me. what an ungrateful little shit. I mean, not to put too fine a point on it, but I WIPE HIS ASS. DAILY. And he just got me sick like it was nothing. Seriously. That’s fucked up. I don’t have the energy to do anything exciting in this space today and I really need to crank out my newest script, which is a musical about school shooters and terrorism. I think it’s called “taliban voyage, sweet columbine” (pronounced voy-AGE, of course) or something like that. I think I could do better actually…let’s see…Taliban, Al Qaeda…fareed zakaria…Dylan Kliebold…trenchcoats…Mexican border patrol…I don’t know, but listen, I don’t have to have the title all figured out today do I? Oh, how bout “I Left My Trenchcoat in the Cafeteria at the World Trade Center?” starring Angelina Jolie and Don Rickles, with James Earl Jones as Osama Bin Laden, McCauley Culkin as that Eric Harris guy and Haley Joel Osment as Heath Ledger. Haley Joel gives an oscar worthy performance, that’s for sure. It’ll be posthumously awarded because, you know, now that he’s ugly, his career is dead.
Okay, so someone asked me what I think of docking. Well, for those of you out there who don’t know what docking is, it’s when you put your penis (sorry ladies, this one’s dudes only!) head against another guys penis head and then you take the foreskin of whichever one of you is european and you pull that over both heads and then you kind of jack them both off like it’s one big dick with balls at both ends. (Jordan, if you’re reading this, I think I’ve got it right…Anything I’m leaving out?)
What do I think of it? Sounds like kind of a gross waste of time to me. I don’t know…fuck…might as well just suck each other off, I think. I don’t know. What else did people ask me? Uh, do I have a matching tattoo with Tom Gabel (guy from Against Me!)? Yeah. Three of em. I also have matching tattoos with Jason Black, matt skiba, John harris, my wife, Pete Anna, marcus Kretzmann, Jordan Schalich, Brian “coco” fallon, Shawn Smith, Tony Deriendzo, Chongo, Ryan Massey, Heather Gabel, Rory Henderson, maybe casey morgan, all those schlong garglers in Willhelm scream, and any number of assholes who just have seen pictures of shit I have and just gotten it without knowing what my tattoos are even supposed to mean…Nice move, by the way (note the sarcasm). For the record, they mean nothing. They’re just so I can walk around at night without people talking to me.
Best tattoo I have? On my dick it says “Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day.” What doees yours say? Wendy? Heh. Do people still tell that joke?
Whatever, man. I don’t feel good and it’s raining, my baby is crying, I have to get out of the house for a while today because the baby is scared of the cleaning lady. In fairness to him, she’s four hundred pounds and wears one of those metal titted Valkyrie battle bras. I don’t know what I’m gonna do though…maybe I should get some Velcro, stick him to the wall and just go to a bar…
Nah. That won’t work…I don’t feel great. Whiskey sounds terrible…
I need some mashed potatoes and some soup. Or a grilled cheese. Perhaps some sausage. Do they say FEED a vaguely scratchy throat and general exhaustion that can’t easily be categorized as sickness, or starve it? Okay, fuck this. I’m done.
You want a quick list of things to try tonight? Here goes, and I’ll see you guys tomorrow.
1.Tit fucking (works if you’re a fat guy/lone woman with a cucumber too, by the way)
2. Making two pizzas and putting them right on top of each other, double decker style
3. one vicodin and three cans of beer
4. Hershey’s kisses smothered in Jif.
5. just put your cocaine right in your drink, Stevie Ray Vaughn style
6. watch your dog or baby go nuts trying to catch and/or hold a laser pointer
7. Shave your balls.
8. watch the first season of Perfect Strangers with the sound off and listen to the latest album by Hinder. It like, totally matches up, dude.
9. Docking.
10. Did I mention the two pizzas? Fuuuuck…


kylewagoner said...

I totally understood some references in this one. Like docking, Rory Henderson, and the Wendy joke. This is the best part of third block in school.

Anonymous said...

more like 3 vicodin and 6 beers

J said...

I think you've hit upon the solution to his army-crawling/climbing. Just use said Velcro to stick his ass to the mattress! He'll eventually get tired of trying to get up and just fall asleep. For a little while.

Great cocksucking synonyms, by the way. I remember you using "dong huffer" in reference to Chris Carraba some years ago. Still love that.

For the bad stomach, dark and stormy. Ginger beer with rum and lemon.

bloodiedup3o said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
bloodiedup3o said...

I just found out that this is my Critical Listening professor's qualification for being allowed stand in front of a class for two hours and read straight off of printed notes without elaborating on the information with her own words. She tests us on hearing the difference between frequencies and amplitudes and shit and then when asked if she could tell us one of them she said "i'm not going to do it because if i get it wrong you won't think i know it". She's also convinced one kid is psychic because he said "square wave" before she played the example. Anyway, check it out. It's.. interesting to say the least.

Should I even bother with her?

timziegler said...

Nice job, Kyle. Way to get the reference about docking in the part where he explained what docking was.

Is it weird to ask for a happy ending after you get a haircut?

My barber was a little uneasy about it.

amandatague said...

your baby and my dog act freakishly alike. my dog army crawls across the floor to climb up things and then get scared. i caught him on the kitchen table when i got home from the grocery yesterday just standing there crying because he forgot how he got up there and was afraid to jump down. also, if rupert has the sneezes for a day, i get a nasty cold about two days later.

just you wait until the kid gets to roam the house freely while you're in the shower and decides he's going to shit on the floor outside of the bathroom because your showering interferes with his previous plans of playing with you. that's something a baby does right?

also, whiskey is great when you're vaguely sick. make a nice big cup of hot peppermint tea and drop two shots of whiskey in that, plant your ass on the couch, and watch road house. the peppermint will settle the stomach, the whiskey will help the cough, the warmth will soothe the throat, and watching road house is never a bad idea. or have about seven of these concoctions and watch heavy metal because after all, it IS your one way ticket to midnight.

Andrew said...

i want a tattoo but despise the social norms that frown upon them. i am worried that if I ever want a decent job (ie. an insurance company, a bank) they won't take me if i have tats. and if you cover them up all the time what's the point in having them, right? what a conundrum.

Mark said...

I've always heard docking referred to as schnoodling.

Mike said...

Here's my question. What is your favorite whiskey? I remember in one of the posts you kind of ripped on Jack Daniel's, if I understood you correctly. Then again, I could've easily misunderstood. Either way, what whiskey is your personal favorite?

Daniel said...

"if I ever want a decent job (ie. an insurance company, a bank)"

Syntax error

Darren said...

Yesterday I went out for work with three lawyers (one defence lawyer, two Crown prosecutors). The defense lawyer was talking about this other lawyer he's dealing with in a case whose last name is Fletcher, but the guy is such an asshole that everyone in his office calls him Felcher.

I was the only one at the table who laughed, so he asked if I knew what it was. I nodded, and then the other lawyers wanted to know (keep in mind that everyone at the table - aside from me - is in their 40s). He then simply says "Look it up on the internet. It's a dirty act involving anal sex and a straw."

The other two then made faces as though they were disgusted, but also were clearly holding in their laughter.

The moral of the story: everyone appreciates felching.

nancy said...

Curiosity is eating away, what's the matching tattoo of with your wife? And Brian "coco" Fallon? Ha! In one song he goes "gotta make these 6 strings babe."