I don’t feel great. My kid got some sort of cough and I think he gave it to me. what an ungrateful little shit. I mean, not to put too fine a point on it, but I WIPE HIS ASS. DAILY. And he just got me sick like it was nothing. Seriously. That’s fucked up. I don’t have the energy to do anything exciting in this space today and I really need to crank out my newest script, which is a musical about school shooters and terrorism. I think it’s called “taliban voyage, sweet columbine” (pronounced voy-AGE, of course) or something like that. I think I could do better actually…let’s see…Taliban, Al Qaeda…fareed zakaria…Dylan Kliebold…trenchcoats…Mexican border patrol…I don’t know, but listen, I don’t have to have the title all figured out today do I? Oh, how bout “I Left My Trenchcoat in the Cafeteria at the World Trade Center?” starring Angelina Jolie and Don Rickles, with James Earl Jones as Osama Bin Laden, McCauley Culkin as that Eric Harris guy and Haley Joel Osment as Heath Ledger. Haley Joel gives an oscar worthy performance, that’s for sure. It’ll be posthumously awarded because, you know, now that he’s ugly, his career is dead.
Okay, so someone asked me what I think of docking. Well, for those of you out there who don’t know what docking is, it’s when you put your penis (sorry ladies, this one’s dudes only!) head against another guys penis head and then you take the foreskin of whichever one of you is european and you pull that over both heads and then you kind of jack them both off like it’s one big dick with balls at both ends. (Jordan, if you’re reading this, I think I’ve got it right…Anything I’m leaving out?)
What do I think of it? Sounds like kind of a gross waste of time to me. I don’t know…fuck…might as well just suck each other off, I think. I don’t know. What else did people ask me? Uh, do I have a matching tattoo with Tom Gabel (guy from Against Me!)? Yeah. Three of em. I also have matching tattoos with Jason Black, matt skiba, John harris, my wife, Pete Anna, marcus Kretzmann, Jordan Schalich, Brian “coco” fallon, Shawn Smith, Tony Deriendzo, Chongo, Ryan Massey, Heather Gabel, Rory Henderson, maybe casey morgan, all those schlong garglers in Willhelm scream, and any number of assholes who just have seen pictures of shit I have and just gotten it without knowing what my tattoos are even supposed to mean…Nice move, by the way (note the sarcasm). For the record, they mean nothing. They’re just so I can walk around at night without people talking to me.
Best tattoo I have? On my dick it says “Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day.” What doees yours say? Wendy? Heh. Do people still tell that joke?
Whatever, man. I don’t feel good and it’s raining, my baby is crying, I have to get out of the house for a while today because the baby is scared of the cleaning lady. In fairness to him, she’s four hundred pounds and wears one of those metal titted Valkyrie battle bras. I don’t know what I’m gonna do though…maybe I should get some Velcro, stick him to the wall and just go to a bar…
Nah. That won’t work…I don’t feel great. Whiskey sounds terrible…
I need some mashed potatoes and some soup. Or a grilled cheese. Perhaps some sausage. Do they say FEED a vaguely scratchy throat and general exhaustion that can’t easily be categorized as sickness, or starve it? Okay, fuck this. I’m done.
You want a quick list of things to try tonight? Here goes, and I’ll see you guys tomorrow.
1.Tit fucking (works if you’re a fat guy/lone woman with a cucumber too, by the way)
2. Making two pizzas and putting them right on top of each other, double decker style
3. one vicodin and three cans of beer
4. Hershey’s kisses smothered in Jif.
5. just put your cocaine right in your drink, Stevie Ray Vaughn style
6. watch your dog or baby go nuts trying to catch and/or hold a laser pointer
7. Shave your balls.
8. watch the first season of Perfect Strangers with the sound off and listen to the latest album by Hinder. It like, totally matches up, dude.
10. Did I mention the two pizzas? Fuuuuck…