tell your children not to heed my words, what they mean, what they say

Okay, so yesterday my world was turned upside down by a text message. I received it while suffering through another long day of fetching fourteen ounce faux pints of Stella for assholes, and it made the hairs on my arms stand on end. It was a once in a lifetime type of amazing text message. I read it over and over and wiped my eyes, and then, suddenly, because I was so happy, so overjoyed with the way the universe comes together sometimes, I sent a mass text to almost everyone in my phone book relaying the message I had just gotten. What, you may ask, was that message?

“VH1 just announced that Glen Danzig is going to be the next Rock of Love”

I mean, seriously, is there a greater idea in the world than an angry, inarticulate, musclebound satanic dwarf with a penchant for the macabre surfing through a sea of desperate fame addled skanks? I was so happy. I knew it was true because in my soul it just resonated. It’s like when Vader told Luke he was his father…You just kind of knew it wasn’t bullshit. It’s that “oh, yeah…of course. Awesome” sort of feeling that washes over you just every now and then, just when the perfect twist happens at the perfect time.

WELL, guess what? Not true. I got home and googled this shit only to discover within about fifteen seconds that it was complete horseshit (goatshit, perhaps?). I don’t blame my friend who sent me the text. Hell, I was overjoyed and I, myself sent out the text to everyone I know without doing the due diligence of checking my sources…and then I had to send the follow up text…

“Argh! It’s not true! It was a rumor. This is just like when we all thought that Rod Stewart was full of all that jizz! Sorry.”

This text prompted some questions from its recipients. Notably questions involving Rod Stewart and jizz. Not that (again) anyone doubted that Rod Stewart has a healthy relationship with copious amounts of jizz, but more the question of which instance I was actually referring to.
Well, I thought about it, and then I realized that I was mixing my stories. This joke is really probably only truly funny to my friend Pete, because it’s he who explained to me about the whole Rod-Stewart-jizz-overload-debacle back when we were in high school.

SO, back when I was in highschool a young woman named Jon Bon Jovi came flying out of New Jersey leaving a greasy, comet-like tail of whatever the 80’s equivalent of Axe Body Spray was across this great country of ours in a trajectory straight up, towards the pinnacle, the apex if you will, of superstardom. Bon Jovi, with his band, also named Bon Jovi were about one part springsteen, one part Springfield (rick), one part Dee Snyder’s costume from the front of “Stay Hungry” with some keyboards, an oily dago named Tico, and just the tiniest hint of hard rock thrown in there for good measure. At the height of their shiny, lubricated, diner smelling rise to the top, the main guy was, it quickly came out, revealed to be a jizz chugger of epic proportions. He in fact, chugged so much jizz (presumably straight from penises) that he had to be airlifted to the hospital to have over a gallon (or was it a quart?) of jizz pumped from his stomach. Everyone just knew it was true. It was like when Darth Vader told…anyway. You get it.
Well, my friend Pete and his buddies were all giggling about Jon Bon’s run in with the stomach pump (and probably more to the point, his run ins with the hundred or so dicks required to make a gallon sized wad of jizz) when some nearby parent asked em what was so funny. When they told her, she said “oh, when I was in High School, they said the same thing about Rod Stewart!” And POOF!!!!! Jon Bon Jovi was straight again.
But see where the whole rod stewart thing came from? It makes some sense, right? Okay, good.
Christ. Did I really devote this much of my life to telling this story? Look, suffice it to say, Danzig is not on Rock of Love, to my knowledge neither Rod nor Jon Bon has ever had their stomachs pumped for jizz and my reputation is tarnished beyond belief. I’m merely a cog in the rumor mill now. Sigh. Oh, one other thing, and it’s strange that I didn’t think of this with all the similarities to all the stories I’ve been interweaving here, but I just heard that Danzig actually had jizz, a quart of it, pumped out of his stomach two nights ago in a hospital in Reno right after a show. Crazy, right?

Okay, let’s move on to more sophisticated topics. Don’t you think that the word “Assume” should mean to consume something with your ass? Like, “I assumed about six condoms full of black tar heroin before I got on the plane, and now I feel a little sick” or “she assumed all twelve dongs and even one ballsack” would be nice new ways to use this in a sentence. Just something to ponder. Okay, I’m off to work. I assume you’ll all have a great weekend. I know I will. Bye.