Jesus, so the baby has figured out how to pull himself into a standing position in his crib. I lay him down to take a nap and he just army crawls to the edge and pulls himself up. Then when I go in there to be like “dude, what the fuck?’ He’s just chilling on the railing like a particularly upset little dude looking over the neighbor’s fence or something. Here’s the problem—He can’t sit himself back down. SO, he’ll pull himself up, freak out, and then I HAVE to reward his freaking out by going in there and paying attention to him if I actually want him to sleep. Pain in the dick? Yes. Is there any solution I can see? Not really. It’s driving me nuts. I KNOW he’s in there standing up again. Right now. He’s standing. Little shit. JUST LAY THERE! I KNOW YOU’RE EXHAUSTED! FUUUUUCK….He’s really being a loudmouthed, stubborn little asshole. He must get that from his mother.
Over the course of the last hundred-something posts, people have asked to hear a little bit about my life in college…Well, I went to Northwestern University in Evanston, Il. I was there four years and graduated from the RTVF department (that’s Radio, Television and Film). I did well in college and graduated on the deans list (which isn’t like being cum laude or anything, it just means that I got particularly good grades that last semester of senior year.) Almost all of my classes that weren’t for my major were either broad introductions to science (Astronomy and an intro to Relativity, Plate Tectonics) or various world lit classes.
I applied to NU to satisfy my nagging mother. I was pretty much planning on getting out of high school and going on tour with my band forever. I figured, I’d apply to one school, right in town just to put it in her head that I was serious about trying to work a compromise, and then when I didn’t get in, I’d be free to go travel the world and make music with my ska band…That’s a foolproof groundwork for a stable future…Much like shoeing horses, ska isn’t going anywhere any time soon. Ah so.
SO, I didn’t apply early, and when I did finally apply, I wrote my essays about how I liked Taco Bell better than McDonalds, and how I thought that applying to college was a big waste of time (this was for the essay about “something you thought was important and then realized wasn’t actually a big deal”. This plan was perfect, except that I didn’t count on the fact that schools like risk takers. Had I actually been smart enough to deserve to go to NU, I would have written an essay about how my hero was my grandpa and that baseball game where I caught the game ending line drive was the best day of my life (and it taught me the value of not only teamwork, but also defense!). Bleh. Unfortunately, I’m not smart enough to engineer my own stupidity, SO, I got into NU. Then, I deferred a year, thinking there was no way they’d hold the spot for me. I went on tour and when I came home, there it was: my spot in the freshman class, waiting for me like a fat summer camp girlfriend…What do you have to do to avoid going to a prestigious school in this country, I ask you? Anyway…
Well, I got to NU and I had categorically refused to have a roommate, so I was put into a tiny, all male dorm that was pretty much just the star athletes and the med school geeks and me. It was the funniest place I’ve ever lived, hands down.
The highlight of the cast of absolutely bizarre characters in this dorm was a guy named Marquis (pronounced MarKEES) who was extremely fat, only wore sweat suits and loved Metallica. He was a black guy…not that that matters, but I’m pretty sure you were all picturing a white dude and I just want the image to be clear.
So this dude would put on “until it sleeps” or “unforgiven too’ and just run them on repeat, on volume TEN for, oh…six hours at a time. He’d start it up at about 8 thirty on Saturdays and just kind of jam out until dinner. I know every word to both of those songs thanks to Marquis. I can’t even tell you how many times I barged into his room and told him to ‘turn this fucking garbage down, man! It’s nine AM!!!!”
He also had this amazing ritual before exams. Everyone on our floor knew it and we’d all have our doors cracked and watch it while it took place. He’d start pacing up and down the halls, nostrils flaring. His breathing would get heavier and heavier, then he’d let out this low growl. Then the growl would intensify. Then just the breathing. Then, he’d punch the wall. Then he’d start howling and growling and kicking garbage cans and swinging at the clock that hung from the ceiling and we’d all be looking through our peepholes just pissing our pants laughing. He’d start screaming “IT’S TIIIIIIIIME! IT’S MIIIIIIIIIIINE! GRRRRRRRRRR IIIIIIT’S MIIIINE!!! GRRRRRRROOOOOOOORORORRRRWAAAHHH!!” and he’d just be tossing garbage everywhere, trashing shit. One time he brought a hockey stick and just swung that around at everything. Then, his last proclamation before he’d walk out the door and down campus to his exam was “THE PATH BEHIND ME IS DESTRUCTION!” and it was…you had to give him that. I don’t know if it was a wrestling thing or a dungeons and dragons thing or a video game thing or what…but yeah…that was Marquis.
In those days the internet was like the exact opposite of what pussy is now, in that the nerds had all seen it, but the rest of us had only heard about it…and I lived with nerds. These were the crème de la crème of nerds. International nerds compounded in the nerdiest dorm in one of the nerdiest schools in the world. So of course this is the first place I ever saw a girl drink milk out of another girls ass. Oh, yeah, sure….who hasn’t seen that now? I know, but back then, to my eyes, it was pretty graphic. I would even say I was shocked by my first viewing of “ass milk”
I was friendly with everyone in the dorm, and made quite a name for myself with the athletes after entertaining a rather loud sleepover guest…After that, I was allowed to sit at the table in the cafeteria with all the black girls, which, of course I did at every opportunity. That, unfortunately never went anywhere beyond lunch…but being that one guy with tattoos who sits at the black girl lunch table was just almost enough. I mean, everyone must have THOUGHT I was banging them, right? Nah, everyone probably actually thought I was gay and sassy. Eh…whatever. It was a good public persona to have, I think, although, now that I think about it, it hasn’t really paid any dividends in the connections-through-college department. Hmmm…Regardless, it was pretty fun.
Um, what else…I didn’t know what the fuck I wanted out of school, so I was drifting a little bit, and I was legitimately furious to be there, so I was making a point of drifting a bit…Well, look, I don’t want to give this all away today, and it’s sixty in Chicago and my baby’s grandparents are in town, so his standing little ass is going over to their place and I’m going to get some shit done. Happy Tuesday, everyone! Let’s rap tomorrow.