Thursday, February 19, 2009

strange things are afoot here, man.

Work sucks, man. It’s just dreadful. Today the cold snapped back and reminded all of us in Chicago why we’re able to afford to live in this town. See, Chicago is big and cosmopolitan, but compared to the only two comparable cities in the US (NY and LA) it’s dirt cheap. Why? Well, that’s because the weather here sucks the dick off a dog. SO, you can get a first class sushi dinner and go to the theater and then hit some after hours spot and hobnob with celebrities and you can drive and usually find parking (take that NY) OR you can just take the train or bus or a cab (take that LA), BUT and this is a big one, it snows like a motherfucker and very recently it was less than twenty below. That’s cold. That’s so cold that a few days after that I didn’t even have gloves or a hat on and I was walking to work and I thought to myself “man, it’s downright balmy today” so I looked at my phone to check the temp, and you know how warm it was? 18. That’s significantly colder than freezing. What the fuck, man? Yesterday it was thirty nine degrees and I ran errands in shorts. No shit. My body has adjusted to the cold somehow…it’s retarded. No one should have to be used to this.
Today, it’s cold. Frozen toes, hurty nose…all that shit. It’s painful to be outside. And the kick in the sack is, winter doesn’t end here until mid june. A few years ago a bunch of us had a pool to see when the first day you could really wear shorts and say “okay, the cold is gone” would be and Dan won, and his guess was June 22. AND THEN it gets so hot that old people just start dying. No spring, just arctic tundra straight into geezer killing sweatbox.
Whatever, I have to work today and I’m not exactly thrilled with the prospect. It’s just the typical dread that comes with a workday…I wish that this was my job. I wish I got paid to sit here and just write this bullshit…then my workday would be fifteen minutes long and I’d have the rest of the day to look for amazing things on the internet, like for example, triple penetration porn (Yes, it has happened, [Kelly wells, just btw] I saw it…it is one of the singularly GAYEST looking excuses for heterosexual sex I’ve ever seen…which, you know, is fine, but it’s more along the lines of “wow, will you look at that? I don’t believe that they pulled that off” and way less along the lines of “hey, this would be great to whack off to.”)
Although, let’s be honest, if I’m wishing for things that aren’t gonna happen, I’d like a Jacuzzi suit, a pneumatic tube that takes me anywhere in the world, a huge margarita, a few different clones of my wife (with on/off switches) a vast and successful media empire, someone to train my dogs, a huge house with a staff of naked maids and cooks, a pizza, a private pool/gym/yacht/jet/recording studio all in one and…hmmm…what else? Oh, a team of grandmotherly types who will take my baby and goof around with him, notably from when he wakes up (630) til when I wake up (in this fantasy, let’s say between 10am and noon), oh, and a bar in my house…a good bar, with stools and old men and the ambience of a real, nice bar. Hell it should be open to the public, but when I leave to go to bed, everyone else has to leave too. Yeah, that should do it.
Now, I’m not deluded enough to think that this could all make me happy if I didn’t have anything to do, you know, constructively, and that’s why I’d still type the blog. That seems like it would satisfy me. I’d probably have a media consultant on hand here to help me upload photos (which I don’t know how to do…maybe I do. If there’s a photo at the top of this entry, then you’ll know that I figured it out) and put songs on here and generally, this would be the dashboard for my media empire, right? Of course.
Okay, enough wishing. You know what they say: wish into one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first. I think the point of the exercise is to realize that in the end, the things you’re wishing for pale in comparison to the empirical, then-and-now NEED for a paper towel and some soap to clean the shit off the other hand. Is that what it means? It’s gotta be. I see no other interpretation.
Okay, here’s some advice:

Q:
I turned 21 in July and wanted to be single so I could try out the bar scene. Recently I’ve found my self wanting to get back into regular relationships…call me a pussy but I don’t wanna hook up with random sleazy girls at bars anymore….right now. In my experience it’s not really a good place to meet someone.__So, I was hanging out with a friend of mine and he brought along his girlfriend and her sister. Her sister and I were hitting it off pretty well. We traded phone numbers and talked on the phone for like 4hrs straight the first night. Then she came over to my place and it happen again. I haven’t talked like that since like high school. She seems pretty cool. She was so nervous on our first date, she seems really innocent, which is weird for me cuz I’m use to the aggressive types. __Now here is where it gets complicated, I go to night classes at school and theirs this girl that is in the same class that I will be making my major in. We get a 15min break in the middle of a 3hr long break. So this girl in my class starts talking to me on break. She didn’t hold anything back. I have a really good sense of humor and that’s where I get a lot of my confidence from. I’m very sarcastic, so id crack a couple of jokes to break the ice and she picked up on it and went with it. She’s really spontaneous and I like dating girls that keep me on my toes. She’s into tattoos and facial piercing which is a huge plus for me and she’s smokin’ hott. She’s made it pretty clear that she likes me. Only problem is she is 18 and a single mother! Knowing my self if I get into a relationship with her I’m gonna want to be their for the kid. Play with him, give him attention, and try to be a good male influence. But if the relationship doesn’t work out and kid and I get attached he is gonna be heart broken if I just leave his life, and I’m not gonna be any happier either. I don’t know what the picture is with the father but he’s gotta be an ass hole to just leave her with his spawn.__So now I’m not sure which one I should go for. The stable relationship which is why I wanna get a girl friend to begin with or someone exciting but being put in the moral dilemma of dealing with her son. I haven’t lead any of them on…I’m no player and nothing serious has happen in each situation yet. I’m not gonna cheat on them I just want one monogamous relationship. I was hoping you could shed some light on my situation.

A:
Dude, slow it all down. You’re already bonded to the kid and feeling his sense of disappointment at you, his new ‘good male influence’ abandoning him because it didn’t work out, just like his ‘ass hole’ dad (by the way, I love the space between ass and hole…that’s just funny text, man. Heh.)? Holy shit. That was fast. Look, she’s 18. You guys are not going to get married. Regardless of her kid. It’s just not happening. Anyway, you’re twenty one, and these are your choices…the innocent sister of your friend’s old lady, and the hot harloty single mom. Wow. It’s like straight out of a really lame tv show…Anyway, look, both of these choices will end in you eventually being single again. I absolutely promise you. Why? Because you’re all so young. NOW, that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t date them. Look, if you want a monogamous relationship then go for it. That’s a perfectly cool thing to want, and you don’t have to be dating the person you’re gonna marry to be in a monogamous relationship…It’s just a style of how you like to spend your time with chicks, man…And look, your projections about the future with the chick with the kid…unnecessary. She’s got a kid. Fine. That’s her deal. Just because you start casually hanging out with her, that doesn’t mean that kid is suddenly yours. There’s for sure a chance that you could end up attached to the kid and vice versa, but there’s also a chance (a better chance, actually) that the kid won’t like you/won’t give a shit about you either way…and that’s fine. She’s the one with the kid, not you. If you want to date this girl, don’t worry about someday breaking the kids heart, that’s pretty presumptuous. Worry about being a good monogamous partner to the mom. The rest is for you to deal with later. WAY later, once you’ve, you know, actually met the kid, for one thing.
Now, to get to your actual question. How the fuck should I know which one is better for you? AND, more to the point, what difference would it make if I told you? Okay, fine. Pick the innocent sister. Now, see if that little bit of direction actually gets you anywhere. I bet, and I could be wrong, but I bet that these women will have a little bit of say in whether or not they want to date you. Interest means different things coming from different people and their ideas about what a flirty conversation is implying could very easily be different from yours. Also, final word…innocent girls, tattooed girls what have you, they all have an outer persona but when the panties come off a whole different persona emerges. There’s no way to know what you’re unwrapping, so don’t go into this with expectations like that. The craziest girls can be shy in intimate situations while the nerdiest most seemingly innocent ones can be the ones that have flutes in their pussies (in the figurative sense…oh, come on. you’ve all seen American Pie.)
Ugh, gotta go to work. Bye.

11 comments:

Mike said...

Man, you start work early. Another round of great advice.

DancingMachine said...

Your fantasy sounds like a awesome dream. You really thought that out, if that really did happen you would be set for life.

Bedtime Penguin Pals said...

i cant help you with anything other than this: use this lady for training your dog. http://www.peacefulpaws.us/index.html
we just had a trainer who uses this specific method come over last sunday to work with our 12 week old puppy and i can tell you it was like magic. our trainer was only $125, but im in california. i dont know how much this one is. either way, the results are fan-fucking-tastic.

martin* said...

Can I come hang in your bar if I come to Chicago?

I will be a good old man and leave when it is your bed time

Darrin said...

There should be a little picture button above the compose box to add images with. You can upload them right off your computer, but there are size limitations. Or you can upload pictures to picture hosting sites like imageshack or la.gg, and copy paste the html code they generate for you once the image is uploaded.

I want to see some nut shots sometime soon. Or maybe just pictures of your baby. Those two sentences shouldn't be that close together.

Craig said...

Tom Gabel knows how to upload images. Guess he's winning the punk rock blog contest.

DrewYork said...

Man. YACHTS! NAKED MAIDS! PIZZA!

... heaven on earth

Niles said...

BK--Started reading the blog a few months ago (I'm pretty sure in that first night I read the entire backlog). Anyways, I'm curious about this book of yours. You obviously have writing talent, have a propensity for good, albeit vulgar advice. Why not get the book together and send it out? Do you really want to be dispensing advice to 18-24 year olds about seizing life by the horns and all that shit when you're 40 with three kids, a gut with multiple folds, and a ballsac that is getting tantalizingly close to scraping the water surface when you dump? At the very least let's get a look at the first chapter.

Marathon States said...

Im probably the only one who thought advice dude sounded like an incredibly douchey guy who likes to brag by complaining. "tats and piercings! suicide girls!!"

Rory said...

BK,
I live out in CT and I am just curious what your thoughts are about that chimp that went ape shit the other day.

Ryan said...

haha I really really enjoyed that one, excellent brendy!