Monday, November 16, 2009

and like a phoenix rising from the asses, I've returned

What’s that you say? You’ve missed me? Well, that’s nice to hear. Sure it is. It’s always nice to be missed. Where have I been? Oh, thanks for asking. As some of you may recall, two weeks ago I monetized this blog and since then I’ve been traveling the world, funding the trip with my new source of revenue. It’s been wonderful. For the ten days it’s been just my manservant Claudio and I in my new solid gold, private zeppelin, the Monitor. Of course, it’s fully staffed with waiters, busboys and prostitutes, but I don’t deal directly with them. Claudio handles all my transactions now. Dealing with money is so tacky, you know? Of course you don’t. Listen, when you get to a certain level of fiduciary excess, you learn these things. It’s like when your dick gets to be thirteen inches long, you learn that you need to make sure it doesn’t drop into the toilet water while you’re dumping. But, most of you wouldn’t know about that either, and that’s fine. There’s no need to concern yourselves with the trivialities of the elite few, right? Right. Good. Glad that’s settled.
My DJ on the Monitor, a german fellow with whimsical hair and endless colorful suits of leather clothing, turned me onto a new sound while we were over Aburiria scattering Krugerands down on the villages in hopes of causing riots for our amusement. It was a song called “good girls go bad” by an artist known as Cobra Starship. Man, shit. Man. Wowzers. That shit’s pretty fucking catchy, innit?
Okay, look. I know what you’re thinking. Something like this, probably: “Cobra fucking starship, dude? Seriously? Seriously? Listen, man, I put up with your lil wayne bullshit and your crap about Britney Spears and all that but this is TOO FAR. You don’t like Cobra Starship. That shit’s garbage. Period. End of story. Move on. You mentioned earlier that there were whores on your zeppelin. Expand on that.” Well, firstly, sure. I’ll get to the whores, but secondly. Nope. You’re wrong. The german knows what I like, and man, fuck me if I don’t like that song. That bitch from whatever that show is has a pretty radical and sexy vocal delivery (only in that song…The german played me a song from her album which was unlistenable jazzy, late 80’s crap that sounds like the inoffensive grossness that moms put on before they masturbate in the tub) and sure, overall, the song’s got a VERY Bloodhound Gang quality. AND the weird sample is highly reminiscent of the Pee Wee Herman sample in “Just Lose It” by Eminem, and yeah, the song is childish, but really, honestly none of that matters. When the German puts it on, I start tapping my foot. When my bathers wake me up in the night for my midnight penis cleansing it’s stuck in my head. You get the idea. And I don’t feel guilty. Nope. It’s not a guilty pleasure, because, as of course you don’t know, money removes the need for guilt. It’s like when you get a dog and you can throw out the mop and broom. Or how when you get a television you can throw away all your books. So therefore, I’d classify the song as a pleasure, a guilt-free pleasure.
Now, the german also played me another song by the same artist, called Hot Mess. This song. Man. Fuck. Shit, man. Wow. Okay, it’s not as good as the first song, given. But man. It’s tapped into the zeitgeist of what’s popular right now in a way I can NOT believe. This Saporta guy is some sort of super genius. I had Claudio schedule us a meeting. I flew him, via luxury airboat to meet us in Tibet where we dined on the endangered flesh of tigers among the clouds. Turns out, I know this fucking guy. I’ve known him forever. I met him when I was sixteen or seventeen and he was in a band called Humble Beginnings. How far we’ve both come since those days in those various gymnasiums and VFW’s in New Jersey. He’s a megastar with a number one song and I’m an advertising genius with hordes of devoted slaves and followers. Man, humble beginnings indeed.
See, the thing that’s blowing my mind here, when I listen to this pair of Cobra Starship songs is the following: This dude is my age. How the FUCK can a dude my age write songs like this? I’m not hating on it. Sincerely, I’m impressed as shit. I mean, “You’re a hot mess and I’m falling for you and I’m all, ‘hot damn, I’ma make you my boo.”????? DUDE! That shit’s hilarious. And timely. And yes. Yes yes yes yes, it’s gonna age poorly and the whole thing’s kind of a joke and all that, but at the end of the day that shit don’t matter because that dude’s sitting on a pile of money the size of the furnace that powers the Monitor. And money, everyone, alleviates the need for everything else, as we’ve mentioned before. So, Good on ya, Gabe. Seriously. Seriously. That shit’s impressive as hell.
Okay, I’m being telegraphed to let me know that the Monitor is waiting on the roof to take me to Panama City for lunch, so I have to bow out. Good to see you all again. See you tomorrow.
Xoxoxxox
Oh, and thanks for coming out to the shows. They were a blast. And finally, congratulations to Ryan and Anne Kelly on what’s sure to be an unbelievably happy and successful marriage. Love you both.

35 comments:

KypPineapple said...

I'm torn on whether or not the mental image of you and your "midnight penis cleansing" that formed in my mind while reading that was pleasurable in a 'ha-ha' sense or just overall disturbing.

I guess I'll call it a mix.

Banana@1000MPH said...

No amount of talk about a solid gold zeppelin can cover up your positive words about Cobra Starship - a band that gets me excited for a second on Punknews until I realize it isn't Cobra Skulls...and is, in fact, the exact opposite. Pick, Brendan, Cobra Starship or Cobra Skulls?

And holy shit, my word verification is "borat".

HFQQ said...

Wow. My fucking little dumbass sister listens to cobra starship, man! So, let me say from experience here: you have gone fucking nuts Brendan!

Cobra Starship fucking sucks.

I will drive to Chicago and wheel your ass straight to the mental hospital.

NOW TAKE IT BACK.

Scott said...

i was just sitting at my desk thinking about how I missed the BSC. Now BOOM, we are back in action, like we never had a break. I think the steampunk-y zeppelin threw more of an opposite to the Cobra Starship than anything. Listen to what you want, it's cool. Just don't add a keytar to the larry arms. That would ruin my day. While we are on it, don't start wearing neon and shutter-shades or wayfarers or any of that shit.

Blake said...

Here's what I think of..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0m2xMoQAgzs

Andrew said...

fuck all of you i think that snakes on a plane song is pretty catchy

as for everything else...well i've never listened to the songs bk mentioned so i have no opinion as of yet. i'll get back to you.

Andrew said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Candice said...

i think i speak for everyone when i say welcome back and you have a great ass

nd said...

What the shit is a "Cobra Starship"? Is it some sort of interplanetary aircraft that Beex is racing The Monitor against?

Sean said...

I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not, but whatevskis

... no bleach off my ass

Nick said...

Please, please add a keytar to the lawrence arms.

dustyfloors said...

Rising out of the asses... Penis cleansing... Cobra Starship... Man, I've missed BSC.
The sandwich tasted extra bad today and I loved every bite of it.

Mark said...

I didn't think it was that catchy. I don't think they suck though, they have talent.

Banana@1000MPH said...

Mark, what's the view like...up there on your lying horse?

Banana@1000MPH said...

and, Blake, I was incredibly disappointed that the guy in your video didn't dress up like a Gossip Girl to lipsynch to that part...

mad_adam said...

I am in the same boat with Cobra Starship. They are catchy as fuck, and have the uncanny ability to be relevant to a generation they don't even fucking belong to. They also do a sick acoustic cover of Billie Jean.

FranklinStein said...

My Dawg,
My penis has been ridiculously flaccid for the past two weeks but is all of a sudden hard as FUCK. Dizzle, we need to get to bangin' soon and we need to get to that ASAP!!!!! Candice, make yourself useful and film us...

Jake Regier said...

Gheeeeey.

kylewagoner said...

I personally appreciate your blatant honesty about your feelings toward Cobra Starship. I have completely avoided them because I have seen their album covers, but I understand. I hate the fuck out of that All Time Low but damn me if I don't love getting "Damned If I Do Ya (Damned If I Don't)" stuck in my head. I mean, fuuuck! SHIT! Anyway, I understand. And hey, if Off With Their Heads and ALL will even come out this way, I think you guys should, too.

love,
Kyle

The Emperor said...

If you DO add a keytar to The Lawrence Arms, it better DAMNED well be played by a hot chick. I better not see Toby in a tube top with a lightning bolt guitar strap.

And it's good to see you survived the Anaheim show, fewer things will ever be as funny to be as you giving not one, but TWO label heads the finger.

L said...

yeah i didn't realize that was gabe.... i was rather surprised, actually. i'm rooting for a midtown reunion, anyone else?

Blake said...

I'm rooting for you to shut the hell up.

L said...

glad you could comment on that in under 10 minutes.

Blake said...

haha. I'm just teasing.

Toto said...

i couldn't tell the sarcasm, but if you DO like those Cobra Starshit songs for real: fuck you.

just kidding,nice having you back BK.

jsin1981 said...

I don't know anything about this starship made out of cobras........
But Cobra Skulls on the other hand was good.

Schizen said...

larry arms, cobra skulls aus tour next year........fuckin do ittt

Stizzy said...

Please, please have Toby playing keytar in a tube top with a lightning bolt guitar strap.

droopypunk said...

while playing the guessing game with this genie(http://en.akinator.com/) it gave me the following names instead of yours:
Matt Skiba
Pete Wentz
Mark Hoppus
Les Claypool
pretty funny i guess

Mark said...

I'm pretty sure I got that to guess Brendan at one point. Maybe not, though. I don't really remember. "Weightless" by All Time Low. Now THAT is a catchy song.

Banana@1000MPH said...

that genie gave me Mark, then Tom, then Pete Wentz, then Anthony Kiedis.

The end had Jack Terricloth and also had "GET OUT OF HERE STALKER" as choices of my correct answer to check.

Why does that genie not pay attention to that I said the character played bass? It kept asking "does your character play guitar?" and gave me both the guitarist and bass player of Blink182.

rpophessagr said...

man, Humble Beginnings put on one of the best shows I'd ever seen...in the parking lot of a church. at least when I was in like 7th grade. "Southern California" had some great tunes.

Moxie. said...

i also am pulling for a Midtown reunion, because pop punk has to come back at some point right? please? even if it's shitty, maybe it'll make lady gaga shut her piehole for two goddamn seconds.

Carlos said...

panama city kicks ass
you should come play sometime

Carlos said...

or you can stay where you are and fuck a goat,