Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Get a brain, Morans!

Good morning and welcome to bad sandwich chronicles, thanksgiving edition. I just went over last year’s thanksgiving entry, and if I’m not mistaken, this place has really gone to hell in a handbasket since this time last year. Hey, don’t get me wrong, I’m still cranking out extremely high quality shit here on a daily basis, but I used to rant and spit hyperbolic vitriol, and that shit’s fun to read. Ever read the middle page of the AV club in the Onion (for those of you who don’t know what that is A) look it up online, I promise it’s worth it and B) Move to a better town) where it’s just that one bitch constantly hating everything? I believe her name is Amile, and she’s got an acerbic wit and razor tongue and blah blah blah, wocka wocka wocka and it is, on occasion very, very funny. But here’s the thing: punditry, punditry regarding everything on earth is now such public domain that there’s nothing inherently interesting about just hating on shit because you (any dildo with a keyboard) now has a platform (badsandwichchronicles.blogspot.com) to relay your various witty remarks about how stupid the (for example) battle between DVD and blu ray has become, or the problems with Clerks II or whatever the fuck your problem is, to a bunch of bored assholes who have nothing better to do than go to dumb free opinion bulletin boards between trips to porn sites while they’re pretending to be working while they’re stuck at their offices (you turds).
There’s nothing really interesting about just hating EVERYTHING, and I’ve tried, oh, dogs of war, how I’ve tried to avoid just rambling on and on about my disgust with this fetid shithole of an existence we’re all stuck in. You might even say it’s been something of an unspoken resolution-turned-mission-statement, that I’m not just gonna sit here and talk shit about Kanye or Taylor Swift (team Kanye, just by the way…kidding. They’re both the worst things to happen to my television since the screen cracked during a drunken beer bottle tossing contest) or about how much I can’t stand the mongaloids at the grocery store, or how basketball has sunken from the best televised sport to almost unwatchable or how that shit where they get Faith Hill or whoever the fuck it is to sing about Monday night football to the tune of an old Joan Jett song makes me want to barf blood, or how that transformer HumVee that turns into a football player thing (also on Monday night football) is pretty much the artistic sum total of everything that’s wrong with the first world, and MAN oh fucking MAN don’t even get me started on these fucking imbeciles working against their own best interests at these fucking town hall meetings or the dudes that bring guns to see the president because it’s ALLOWED (hey, there’s no law against me specifically sticking my dick in a light socket, but just because it’s allowed doesn’t make it cool. What are you, four?) or this ‘god hates fags’ family…Actually, you know what? I was talking about this with my good buddy Toby the other day, and I gotta say, Fred Phelps is doing some good work. Not because I agree with his stance on anything. In fact, I don’t think there’s a person on this earth I disagree with more, but he’s really, really, really really, really really really really going for it. I mean, that motherfucker is OFFENSIVE to EVERYONE. That’s no easy task, man. Ask GG Allin. Ask Hitler. Ask Sid Viscious or ask Imus. Hard as they try to offend everyone, they’ve still got their fans. Not Phelps, man. He’s got this genius knack for bumming out EVERY SINGLE MOTHERFUCKER ON THIS EARTH. And, okay, let’s make no mistake, the guy is just horrendous, but you gotta give him that. He’s done what no one else has ever been able to do. I mean, there’s dudes in Hindustan eating corpses and shitting into human skulls and then eating it and I’d rather hang out with THEM than the Phelps family. That’s a pretty amazing level of putridity, right? Right. Okay.
Firstly, when it comes to hating gays; like, really, really, really hating gays like dedicate-your-life-to-hating-gays hating gays, there’s only one reason, there’s only one way you get to that point: You’re gay. You’re gay and the lifestyle frightens and intrigues you and there’s nothing you can do to rectify your (foolish) belief that being gay is wrong with your desire to chug random cocks until you’re hoarse. There’s pretty much no way to develop such a crazy hatred without waking up after having somewhere in the neighborhood of 8 dicks on your face at once the night before and feeling the shame of your pretend god and your (supposed) natural but stunted sexual urges just burning you up like a piece of baloney in a juggalo frying pan. Somewhere out there, there’s a basketball team’s worth of guys that have gotten their balls and assholes licked by Fred Phelps, and Fred Phelps is mad as shit about it. I’m not even really gonna go too far into this, because it’s so incredibly self evident that frankly, it’s about as boring as gay-hypocrite scandal can be. Here’s what’s truly great about Fred Phelps:
You get these mongos who see the “god hates fags” signs and think “yeah. Hell yeah. I can get behind that…that’s cool.” BUT THEN these people, these Westboro Baptist people, turn their signs around and they’re protesting some soldier’s funeral with a sign that says “Fag Troops” not because the soldier was gay, but just because he or she gave her life for a country that doesn’t (uh…I don’t even know…Kill? Imprison? Torture? Let’s go with imprison just to give the benefit of the doubt, kay? Kay.) imprison gay people just for being gay. Suddenly, the dumb-dumb that was all for “god hates fags” is in a funny position. Can’t really back the “fag troops” sign, can you? Nope. Actually, kind of pulls back the curtain and exposes ALL the crazy, don’t it? Yeah. Little bit. AND, really, if there’s even one retard out there that was forced to re-think about the craziness of the idea that “god hates fags” because of Fred Phelps’s OTHER crazy signs and ideas, then well, he’s actually probably doing some good in this world, because I don’t think, and I COULD be wrong, but I don’t think there’s really anyone joining that church except for people that he specifically breeds, right? Can’t be.
Whatever. In conclusion, Fred Phelps is gay, and that’s great, because in a strange way, he’s actually fighting the dumb notion of homophobia in this country. Be thankful we live in a place with so many malleable idiots, so many magic markers and so many dumb signs. Without it, that amazing website http://moronswithsigns.blogspot.com/ would be pretty much empty, and that would be a real shame.
Be nice to each other and don’t eat too much tomorrow. You’re already so fat.
XOXOXOXO

24 comments:

Toto said...

saw that movie-documentary yesterday, and let me say that there is no fucking way to be "gayer" that Phelps is, man... that guy really likes semen.

Toto said...

here in argetnina we have a priest, i don't know what to call it, but he is the main priest in our country, is it cardenal? anyway, he was found with little boys in a motel, not only they were children, but boys, so, we have a pedophilic and a gay all in one, besides a priest...
gotta love Christians!

Robb said...

Yea ol Phelps...he's definitely throated some monsters in his day. Honestly I see him as a sort of gay Max Hardcore in his (impenetrably buried) fully natural state.

Toto - when things reach pedophile status I cease differentiating between gay/straight...seems futile.
I could see some ballsy comedian fashioning a sketch depicting a group of pedos hanging out in a trailer home with all '70s decor watching a marathon of Flinstones vitamins ads, taunting one of their own for being the "queer" pedo

STACEY MCCOOL said...

hmm. i don't know who this phelps character is. also, i've never seen any of these 'god hates fags'/'fag troops' signs before.

most of this post made no sense to me. could it be because i live canada or because i don't watch fox news? either way, talk about shitting and fucking some more. thanks.

Jayzilla said...

id like to clarify -- porning is not a work activity -- reading about porn is

happy turkey day!

Buddy said...

Didn't Phelps win an NAACP award or some shit back in the 60's for his position/work on equality? ironic..

and Taylor Swift, yeah she sucks and everything, but i'll be goddamn if she doesn't have the fucking golden pussy of 2009.

Stizzy said...

I wrote a report on this guy in high school. the guy basically gets off on hate and beat his wife and kids for years before one of his daughters finally stood up to him. after that he started this whole "god hates fags" campaign. he just can't exist without something to direct his hatred at. it's a pretty sad living I'd imagine. anyway two of his children have actually left the "church" and the son provided a lot of information about Fred.

http://www.blank.org/addict/

the guy gets sued all the time but he was a lawyer for a long time before he was disbarred and now a lot of his children still involved in the "church" are lawyers. so they keep any lawsuits that come against them tied up in court for years and years.

Banana@1000MPH said...

mornswithsigns hadn't been brought up here before, had it? I thought I found it on my own. It seems like every time I try to suggest a site for you, I try too hard, but then when you love some new site I think "shit! I knew that site, I should have mentioned it!"

Anyway, I assume you thought of Fred Phelps cuz of that punknews article and because of that documentary, I now hate them so much more but also have a new found respect for Freddy. He is without a doubt the undeniable king of acting holier-than-thou. First he said the documentarian blew it with a dumb question and he didn't have time for his interview, then he said he'd give him five minutes. He really treated him like someone completely not worth his time. But, the key was in that "five minutes" every question did not get an actual answer, but instead was the Fredmiester either telling the documentarian that the question had already been answered, he was dumb, or that it was a waste of his time to answer it.

Fred really doesn't need to know shit when he can, that confidently, respond to every question without an answer, but instead something to make the person feel that much worse than him.

Toto said...

"queer pedo" , that's quite a hardcore street punk name isn't it?, i'd listen to that band just because of the name.
also robb, i need you to recommend me some good material in the vein of david cross, i'm new to this comedy stuff but it really seems to work out while drunk and stoned, which is pretty much all i do lately.just give me your 3 personal favourites and i'll check them out.
thanks.

the only thing i support about this religious nuts is them targeting All Time Low, that band sucks hairy balls

Banana@1000MPH said...

Toto, while I'll leave the door open for Robb after I leave - I'll say that Patton Oswalt, Brian Posehn, Zach Galifianakis, Eugene Mirman, and Louis CK are all funny comedians that (other than maybe Louis CK) are friends with David Cross (I believe...or maybe it is that all of them are friends with Patton).

Banana@1000MPH said...

Toto - actually, while this has what I believe to be the worst recorded David Cross bit, the DVD "Comedians of Comedy live at the Troubadour" has 15 comedians who are all funny.

http://www.amazon.com/Comedians-Comedy-David-Cross/dp/B000TEUSLS/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1259189987&sr=8-2

"Patton Oswalt, Brian Posehn, Zach Galifianakis, Maria Bamford, David Cross, Sarah Silverman, Blaine Capatch, Jon Benjamin, Jasper Redd, Andy Kindler, Morgan Murphy, Bob Odenkirk, Doug Benson, Dana Gould and Eugene Mirman"

k, I'm done now.

Toto said...

thanks for that, i found it via torrent, let's see what's up, i'll start drinking, startinggggggggggg ....now!

Drunken Acorn said...

Good post BK, that Phelps is fucking crazy as fuck man.I'm surpised someone hasn't shot him yet. Anyways BK, Socks have a good holiday, stay safe and get drunk. I'm gonna get me a 18 pack of High Life and play some game called Thunderstruck, you drink and listen to AC/DC a bunch I guess.Later

JSIN said...

What the hell is wrong with Clerks II???

Schizen said...

drunken acorn, thunderstruck sounds amazing i think less talk about serious shit and more thunderstruck....anyone?

Drunken Acorn said...

Schizen, Thunderstruck was a baaad idea. I drank 3 high lifes during the song. Play at your own risk.

kylewagoner said...

hahahhaahha that shit about Phelps has to be the best you've put out in a long time. I mean look at that guy's ears! He's got a face that says, "Mmm, hey. Wanna smoke some weed?" Oh, I thought you were talking about the swimmer...


No, but for real. I interviewed my aunt about growing up a lesbian in good ol' West Virginia and she told me allll about the homophobia in everyplace and all that bullshit and we watched a documentary and Phelps was in it and MAN he's...he's something else. I'm right with ya.

love,
Kyle

Stizzy said...

Brendan. I heard from a fairly reliable source that a Thanksgiving at the Kelly house is nothing but farting and dick jokes. confirm/deny?

Felix said...

how many times does one have to be called a morron till he actually is one?

Banana@1000MPH said...

Brendan, I think I found why your ads won't show, but now the site is gone. It basically said if more clicks are happening than visitors.

But, now while trying to find that again, I found this:

http://internet.suite101.com/article.cfm/why_are_google_ads_not_showing_on_my_website

Which includes that they'll go away if you use "poison words" - which I'm sure you have been doing.

Lavinia Elizabeth said...

I've literally spent hours reading through all the posts since I barely found out about this blog. I'm also keeping the browser open to save my spot. Should I be ashamed?

Candice said...

come back brendan! i miss you.

Robb said...

Lavinia - Did you know that once, looong ago, in a time before Youtube, an eeevil troll named Glenn Porter played drums for Alkaline Trio??? It's krRazy!

Toto - Banana pretty much named the best of the best...to that I'll add Michael Ian Black, Paul F. Tompkins, Howard Kramer, Eddie Pepitone, Dan Mintz, Mike Birbiglia, Jen Kirkman, Kristen Schaal, Kurt Braunohler. And don't forget some classic Bill Hicks, a huge inspiration on today's 'alternative' comics.

JSin - thanks to Jersey Girl, Clerks II is forever safe from the title of Smith's worst film. O and that turd Nick and Norah Make a Porno. So two safety nets there.

Moxie. said...

Ugh, the Westboro Baptists are horrifying. They showed up at my school (Rutgers University, New Brunswick, NJ... one of the most diverse communities in the state) and ten of them tried to protest the existence of Jews. Seriously. Their existence. What kind of fucking backwards shit is that? In any case, a zillion people showed up and told them to fuck off. It makes me feel better about all the retards I had to deal with at the dorms who were bro-ing down drinking Natty Light and listening to Nickelback.