Good morning and welcome to bad sandwich chronicles, thanksgiving edition. I just went over last year’s thanksgiving entry, and if I’m not mistaken, this place has really gone to hell in a handbasket since this time last year. Hey, don’t get me wrong, I’m still cranking out extremely high quality shit here on a daily basis, but I used to rant and spit hyperbolic vitriol, and that shit’s fun to read. Ever read the middle page of the AV club in the Onion (for those of you who don’t know what that is A) look it up online, I promise it’s worth it and B) Move to a better town) where it’s just that one bitch constantly hating everything? I believe her name is Amile, and she’s got an acerbic wit and razor tongue and blah blah blah, wocka wocka wocka and it is, on occasion very, very funny. But here’s the thing: punditry, punditry regarding everything on earth is now such public domain that there’s nothing inherently interesting about just hating on shit because you (any dildo with a keyboard) now has a platform (badsandwichchronicles.blogspot.com) to relay your various witty remarks about how stupid the (for example) battle between DVD and blu ray has become, or the problems with Clerks II or whatever the fuck your problem is, to a bunch of bored assholes who have nothing better to do than go to dumb free opinion bulletin boards between trips to porn sites while they’re pretending to be working while they’re stuck at their offices (you turds).
There’s nothing really interesting about just hating EVERYTHING, and I’ve tried, oh, dogs of war, how I’ve tried to avoid just rambling on and on about my disgust with this fetid shithole of an existence we’re all stuck in. You might even say it’s been something of an unspoken resolution-turned-mission-statement, that I’m not just gonna sit here and talk shit about Kanye or Taylor Swift (team Kanye, just by the way…kidding. They’re both the worst things to happen to my television since the screen cracked during a drunken beer bottle tossing contest) or about how much I can’t stand the mongaloids at the grocery store, or how basketball has sunken from the best televised sport to almost unwatchable or how that shit where they get Faith Hill or whoever the fuck it is to sing about Monday night football to the tune of an old Joan Jett song makes me want to barf blood, or how that transformer HumVee that turns into a football player thing (also on Monday night football) is pretty much the artistic sum total of everything that’s wrong with the first world, and MAN oh fucking MAN don’t even get me started on these fucking imbeciles working against their own best interests at these fucking town hall meetings or the dudes that bring guns to see the president because it’s ALLOWED (hey, there’s no law against me specifically sticking my dick in a light socket, but just because it’s allowed doesn’t make it cool. What are you, four?) or this ‘god hates fags’ family…Actually, you know what? I was talking about this with my good buddy Toby the other day, and I gotta say, Fred Phelps is doing some good work. Not because I agree with his stance on anything. In fact, I don’t think there’s a person on this earth I disagree with more, but he’s really, really, really really, really really really really going for it. I mean, that motherfucker is OFFENSIVE to EVERYONE. That’s no easy task, man. Ask GG Allin. Ask Hitler. Ask Sid Viscious or ask Imus. Hard as they try to offend everyone, they’ve still got their fans. Not Phelps, man. He’s got this genius knack for bumming out EVERY SINGLE MOTHERFUCKER ON THIS EARTH. And, okay, let’s make no mistake, the guy is just horrendous, but you gotta give him that. He’s done what no one else has ever been able to do. I mean, there’s dudes in Hindustan eating corpses and shitting into human skulls and then eating it and I’d rather hang out with THEM than the Phelps family. That’s a pretty amazing level of putridity, right? Right. Okay.
Firstly, when it comes to hating gays; like, really, really, really hating gays like dedicate-your-life-to-hating-gays hating gays, there’s only one reason, there’s only one way you get to that point: You’re gay. You’re gay and the lifestyle frightens and intrigues you and there’s nothing you can do to rectify your (foolish) belief that being gay is wrong with your desire to chug random cocks until you’re hoarse. There’s pretty much no way to develop such a crazy hatred without waking up after having somewhere in the neighborhood of 8 dicks on your face at once the night before and feeling the shame of your pretend god and your (supposed) natural but stunted sexual urges just burning you up like a piece of baloney in a juggalo frying pan. Somewhere out there, there’s a basketball team’s worth of guys that have gotten their balls and assholes licked by Fred Phelps, and Fred Phelps is mad as shit about it. I’m not even really gonna go too far into this, because it’s so incredibly self evident that frankly, it’s about as boring as gay-hypocrite scandal can be. Here’s what’s truly great about Fred Phelps:
You get these mongos who see the “god hates fags” signs and think “yeah. Hell yeah. I can get behind that…that’s cool.” BUT THEN these people, these Westboro Baptist people, turn their signs around and they’re protesting some soldier’s funeral with a sign that says “Fag Troops” not because the soldier was gay, but just because he or she gave her life for a country that doesn’t (uh…I don’t even know…Kill? Imprison? Torture? Let’s go with imprison just to give the benefit of the doubt, kay? Kay.) imprison gay people just for being gay. Suddenly, the dumb-dumb that was all for “god hates fags” is in a funny position. Can’t really back the “fag troops” sign, can you? Nope. Actually, kind of pulls back the curtain and exposes ALL the crazy, don’t it? Yeah. Little bit. AND, really, if there’s even one retard out there that was forced to re-think about the craziness of the idea that “god hates fags” because of Fred Phelps’s OTHER crazy signs and ideas, then well, he’s actually probably doing some good in this world, because I don’t think, and I COULD be wrong, but I don’t think there’s really anyone joining that church except for people that he specifically breeds, right? Can’t be.
Whatever. In conclusion, Fred Phelps is gay, and that’s great, because in a strange way, he’s actually fighting the dumb notion of homophobia in this country. Be thankful we live in a place with so many malleable idiots, so many magic markers and so many dumb signs. Without it, that amazing website http://moronswithsigns.blogspot.com/ would be pretty much empty, and that would be a real shame.
Be nice to each other and don’t eat too much tomorrow. You’re already so fat.