Wednesday, November 18, 2009

the horror! The horror! Part 2

How am I supposed to get anything done around here? Without Claudio, my manservant, things have gone into a ridiculous tizzy. I can’t communicate with the captain of the Monitor, as he speaks only Portuguese, and besides that, he’s frankly beneath my social strata, right? Right. The result? We’ve been circling Kilimanjaro for hours on end. It’s fucking vexing is what it is. DAMN YOU GABE SAPORTA!!!! DAMN YOUR THEIVING SIREN SONG!
Sorry. I got carried away. It’s just…you know what it’s like? It’s like suddenly having a one and a half year old running around for sixteen fucking hours every day, but now, it’s too cold to go outside, so you just run around the house chasing this fucking guy who’s trying about as hard as he can to just fuck up everything. He’s like a divining rod for the closest thing to him that will injure or kill him and he knows exactly what to do when he shows up and grabs it. Butcher knife? Put it in your mouth. Light socket? Put it in your mouth. Pot of boiling water? Pull it off the stove. And on and on and on like this. Imagine if you will, that you’re (for example) a rock and roll personality who’s just been living it up in the fecund deltas of southern California and then at a wedding for about fourteen days where you, in the entire span of the two week period, slept less than 48 hours due to important late night business meetings. Now, imagine that you come home to a sick and dangerously active, but grumpy child, weather too cold to take him outside in and a wife who is forced to work (likely story) until midnight every night, forcing you to chase this sick, grumpy child around the house like a lunatic while he wails and screams and tries to pull bookshelves down onto himself. Oh, and then you catch his cold. THAT’S what this is like stuck up in this godforsaken Zeppelin circling this dreadfully boring mountain without Claudio. Almost exactly. Did you know the on-board sushi bar is out of salmon? We might as well be living in a fucking tent city by the sewers of Calcutta up here. It’s depressing. We’re down to our last ten bottles of vodka and we’re dangerously low on mixers. I’m living in a nightmare, if I’m being honest. The prostitutes are getting surly and settling for routine and the furnace men are starting to ask questions about their paychecks. Hey Shovel Man! How am I supposed to collect my fucking ad revenue from above the Serengeti plains? Tell me that! Or is that why I’m the trillionaire and you’re the fucking furnace guy? Mmmmmmhmmmmm. Yeah. Keep shovelin’ pal. You’ll get your check as soon as I can get back to civilization, restock the bar, get a suitable replacement for Claudio and find some decent sushi chefs that aren’t Germans. What a fucking joke. At least lie to me with some Mexicans in headbands, am I right?
Okay, sorry. I’m off topic here. Or rather, I haven’t even introduced the topic yet, have I? Forgive me. It’s the constant circling. It’s making me dizzier than a pregnant lady on a sybian. Okay. Topic at hand: the terrorist freedom fighters in the splinter cel ‘Sock Drawer’ (not to be confused with the benevolently ruled principality beneath each blog post, also called the sock drawer) have openly declared war on both the Monitor and myself, and have announced a planned coup of Bad Sandwich Enterprises LLC, (trademark pending). Gotta say, I’m pretty excited about that. See, there are leaders like Barack Obama, Gordon Brown, Angela Merkel and to a lesser extent Nicolas Sarkozy (who’s dealt with some pretty heavy shit this past term, let’s be honest) who never, ever have to deal with the idea of credible threats of coups. They’re what I call the ‘total pussies’ of world leadership. I’m more like a warlord in some sort of compound surrounded by dust and bones and my most trusted men (damn you Claudio!), just waiting, stroking my gun, eating my monkey brains right out of a human skull and wearing a fez, saying shit like “let them come” while I pet a tiger and watch two women have some sort of cramming contest involving phallic vegetables. In my kingdom, there can be only one ruler, but without a resistance, what will I use to galvanize the hordes? I need a terrorist threat. Without it, I’m no better than Dick Cheney, relying on sound governmental practices and actual leadership, rather than fear mongering, xenophobia, preying on the stupid and shooting everyone in the face that disagrees. And man, I hate Dick Cheney. I don’t want to be anything like him at all. So terrorists, bring it on! And to all the rest of you: these fanatics hate you and your freedom and the free and open forum that is Bad Sandwich. That’s their endgame. To make you sad, repress you and take away your televisions and football. Never mind that there’s no running water in the other sock drawer. Never mind the pestilence. Have you seen them? Savages, to the last. Women baring their breasts! Men, drunk! Uh…um…uh…you get the idea, right?
Nah, I dunno. I like those guys, actually. Met a bunch of ‘em on the tour or at our Chicago show . They’re all cool. I don’t want a war, or even an airborne zeppelin battle (though the Monitor IS strapped to the tits) I just need a new manservant. This solitude is going to my head. Sorry. Forgive me, terrorists. I guess you guys win.
Anyway, how do you say “Get me to Belarus immediately you swine” in Portuguese? Does anyone know?
Thanks.

Edit: That article that someone posted a link to in yesterday's sock drawer about the fear of clowns is indeed interesting as shit. Recommended.

23 comments:

myassisapipebomb said...

dude, this is getting stupid and unfunny and most of all, not entertaining to read.

Maximilian said...

really? the first time he did this i thought what the hell..... and yeah, didn't think it's funny, but it got better and this shit was deffinitely funny.

i think there should be a movie done based on those ideas. it would be stupid as hell but damn, it would be funny.

Stizzy said...

yeah I'll be honest most of us are usually too drunk/high/in the throws of mind blowing orgasms to actually wage any sort of war. Not to mention Jay (our chief zepplin engineer) just ran off into the mountains with claudio. they'll be missed. but on the bright side I'll offer danimal up as a manservant. we have a canadian you can have as well. take your pick I guess.

Banana@1000MPH said...

You didn't meet me at any of your shows, ask Toby, I'm terrible - but what I will say is I was not the drunk man grabbing Teenage Bottlerocket's asses through out their set.

Rhymes Akimbo said...

I cannot resist any longer, I have been sucked in by the sock drawer...I could only read so much of the BSC before being fully enveloped by this madness...I am also the Canadian stizzy mentioned as a claudio replacement

Candice said...

we socks like you and think you're cool too. let's make love, not war. or make blow jobs, not war. i'm up for either.

Nick said...

Fucking hilarious. Especially the phallic vegetable cramming imagery.

Scott said...

you need to write this steampunkery as a novel...get is published i keep imagining you look like this
http://graphicsworkshop.net/blog/Images/dantescostume.jpg

Andrew said...

"ô bestão! me leve ao Bielorússia agora mesmo!"
Good luck.

amandatague said...

I think that it's time you give up and just join us at the splinter cell drawer. I mean, we've already claimed Toby as one of our own.

Bridgett said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bridgett said...

This Scott dude is spot on. There is your next movie, Mr. Kelly. Just for the love of God don't make it like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EoJ0yzeJnEg Sorry folks, don't like this song. And Matt's wearing Dan's hat. It's all wrong.

I'm looking to move to Chicago from Milwaukee, and I need a job. I can do manservant. But I'm not a man, I'm a fat chick. Same thing, right?

Sean said...

I'll be your manservant...

... It'll cost extra for the phallic vegetable contest tho.

Robb said...

Holy shit, "dicktowel.com" as seen on the 'Kitten Mittens' episode of It's Always Sunny is for real yo! God bless Rob McElhenney

jsin1981 said...

"important late night business meetings"

Is that what you call drinking till the bar kicks us out and then drunkenly talking outside the Troubadour with Skeebs and your Dogs of War untill three in the morning???

Mary said...

Oooh, I'm glad you liked that paper. Joe Durwin is a great guy/writer and most of what he writes is about weird shit like that (clowns, mysterious hauntings, vampires, etc) in western Mass and once upon a time in AZ. :-(

When the zombie holocaust occurs, I'm calling him...

Gregory said...

hey brendan was it awesome getting smoked by fat mike's powder flower?

Andrew said...

there's a whole lot of drinking, fighting, and general skullduggery that goes on down that thesockdrawer.org

and bk is right we're cool as shit. i mean do YOU guys have a stizzy? didn't think so.

Blake said...

ACTUALLY, Andrew, they do..

Everybody wins! :)

Jesus said...

You should make a PSA starring your kid to help other pissed officially off parents. (Or POOP as they like to be called.)

"Lookie here! A pot full of rabid, not quite dead and boiling lobsters! I waaant!"

"Stop there son, maybe the easy drinking taste of Bud light can satisfy your need for irrational danger! Not too smooth, not too fucking hard, just right. Bud Light."

Ahhh it'd be epic no matter what you did. You pretend to live in a zepplin, I'm sure you'd come up with something just hysterical.

Stizzy said...

yeah Andrew there's enough Stizzy to go around.


(although all the cool kids hang out at thesockdrawer.org)

{word verification=bropredi[which makes me think "bropedia"(which should be a wiki of nothing but "bro" quotes and things)]}

Post Script: I used "wiki" in a sentence. fuck you. it's the internet. I can.

Jacob William said...

@Bridgett, good lord. That video...well, I honestly think it looks cool. But, how anyone can still take that band seriously is beyond me.

Also, good luck on moving to Chicago. I did the same thing about six months ago. From Milwaukee no less! I also saw from your profile you're from Waukesha, which is where I grew up. Small fucking world BSC is, huh? It took me a while to find a job. I'd say, unless Brendan wants to hire you to take over some of Claudio's responsibilities, and if you have a job in Milwaukee, wait until you find something down here before you actually move. Being broke in a city where there is so much awesome shit to do all the time really blows.

Ribamar Carneiro said...

“Get me to Belarus immediately you swine” in Portuguese?

Me leve imediatamente a Belrus seu porco