Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Hey there Dogs of War!

Good morning everyone! Hey, you know what I love? Peanut butter. But not just any old peanut butter. Heavens no! Why, I love rich, thick Jif brand peanut butter. That’s right, kids. Can’t get enough of it. In fact, when I’m sitting around, drinking my Dunkin Donuts brand coffee in the morning, sometimes I dump a little Jif in there just to spruce it up. Not that Dunkin Donuts delicious coffee needs any sprucing up, you know? Of course you do. How could America’s Favorite Coffee possibly get any better? Well, Jif brand creamy peanut butter is one way. Another way? Jim Beam old fashioned Bourbon Whiskey. Nothing says “top o’ the morning” to you like a wee nip of Jim Beam brand whiskey while the rooster’s still a-crowin.’ Am I right? Of course I am. Okay, just thought I’d throw that out there real quick, apropos of nothing. Um, what’s up everyone? Having a good beginning of your week?
I sure am. I’m making money from home, using a patented, tried and true method that allows me to just sit here, stewing in the smells of my own farts as they waft through my Hanes brand terrycloth robe and ensconce me, like a homemade aromatherapy. You too can create your own aromatherapy at home, by the way! It’s true. Try White Castle brand sliders and wash about nine of them down with a delicious twelver of Bud Select 55: all the gayness of drinking a cosmo, all the bloating of chugging real beer, but without that pesky feeling of heightened self esteem or relaxed lucidity. That’s right, kids! Bud Select 55! The quickest way to look picky and unsophisticated at the same time!
Okay, sorry. I kind of went off there. Can’t help it though. It just seems like there are so many great products out there, you know? It’s almost crazy. I mean, I don’t even know what to buy these days. It can be overwhelming. Okay, let’s say I want to buy a catamaran. Of course I’ll start out by using Google brand search engines and then compare prices to see if anyone is even coming close to beating the ridiculously low prices offered by Bass Pro online, and then, after all that, I’ll make a choice. Of course this is an idle example, because South African Gunboat brand Catamarans are the only choice for the discerning Catamaraner, but you get my point. If only there was a way for companies to get the word out there to people like me, and hey, people like you, well that would be great. I mean, I don’t know about you guys, but if I had a place, like perhaps on the internet where I went every day because of consistently high quality content that could somehow link me, the consumer in the coveted 18-49 demographic, to products and services that I may like or need or maybe not even know that I need, why, that would be a dream come true to me. Don’t you guys think? Like, for example, I go to this one blog every day…it’s okay, nothing great, but the other day I went to it and I saw an ad for John Strong brand titanium vibrating buttplugs (his and hers) and I thought to myself “Huh, never thought about getting a matching set of his and hers buttplugs that come with a lifetime warranty and can be engraved for only ten extra dollars, but maybe I should, you know…put that in the maybe pile for Christmas.” It would be a good gift, after all. For my parents, I mean. Come on. What did you think I meant?
Anyway, today’s shaping up to be pretty good. My mother in law is coming, via Frontier Airlines, and then I’m going to take her out to Wendy’s for a delicious sandwich of her choice. Did you know she can get a baked potato or chili instead of fries with her value meal for no extra charge? That’s just some of the bold new shit that’s popping off over at Wendy’s, son! Yeah. Holla!
Sorry. Where was I? Oh yeah…I leave on tour in a few days. That should be pretty cool. I’m coming your way West coast, so watch out In n Out brand burgers, Vivid brand pornography, Ashley Blue brand latex molded vagina and asshole, Everlasting Gobstopper brand candies, Provinex brand ether, Home Depot house-brand Rubber tubing and latex rope, Chevy brand unmarked windowless vans and Three Olives Bubble brand vodka. It’s gonna be a hell of a time!
Can I get a “Coke is it!” from everyone?
Amen.

26 comments:

Candice said...

i really thought your blog would generate some better ads than TJ Maxx and wedding djs.

where's the porn?!?

Stizzy said...

why do I have the sudden urge to coat the inside of my anus with peanut butter?

admp said...

@Stizzy

Because if you don't keep feeding that hamster, he'll die.

thesockdrawer.org

Stizzy said...

that's right folks! you too could be witness to such one-twos as the example above.

they're taking place everyday at an internet forum based off of a comment section based off of a blog by some singer in some band near you

get yours today!

dustyfloors said...

I think I may just have to watch this "Lil Wayne's World" on Fuse.

Jesus said...

I don't know what you got Candice, I got some real winners.

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www.DateACougar.com

Meoowww! Wrinkled and overused ass here!

Jayzilla said...

does the ashley blue toy set come with a fist you can put in your mouth to get ready for the pleasure ride that may begin at a moments notice?

thiswarisnoise said...

my friend's uncle works at vivid. i'll let him know a celeb will be stopping by

Banana@1000MPH said...

Everlasting Gobstoppers brand? How ignorant can you get Brendan, its OBVIOUSLY Wonka brand.

Anyway, I totally told you to do this like a year ago. If you had, think of how much money you would have got on BSCgate 2009 when you continuously didn't post us the super awesome link?

I suggest you do that again, but this time, the day before tour - so we will all visit your site a shitload without you even posting.

kylewagoner said...

Did no one else notice that Brendan's blog has been monetized? Hence talking about the advertising in this post.

Candice said...

Kyle- we did notice. Hence the comments.

Jake Regier said...

Man, if you haven't seen Peanut Butter Farts yet, you could be missing out. It may be the most perfect amalgamation of all things lovable in life. I'd link you, but, you know...I'm sure Google can assist you.

Scott said...

pretty much your blog has ads about how to stop drinking when i saw it.

JIF is the shit, no matter what reason you are talking about it. Loves me some JIF

I did enable ads on my blog, but not for money reasons, I have a job in marketing, I actually sit all day and look at search ads for hotels. I put them on my blog just as kind of a learning thing. So far I have generated zero dollars, but I get to play around in the system outside of work and learn about things that may get me a chance to do something more fun some day or at least a more interesting market than hotels

verification: dhatcho

Sean said...

wait, so did Beex allow these ads? or did they just crop up overnight like the beginnings of morning wood?

Banana@1000MPH said...

I decided to flip through the pages of google ads. The first page had one ad for peanut butter, page two had an ad for concert tickets and one for peanut butter, but here is page three:

http://i110.photobucket.com/albums/n112/bazui123/bscpeanutbutter.jpg

Banana@1000MPH said...

...and why, when i used the custom google search, did it give me the options to "web search" or "beex's magic bus"?

Bridgett said...

...I see no ads. Am I special?

Gabriel said...

Does anyone else think that the new Larry Arms, Swellers, and Dead To Me are this years best fucking records? The new DTM is fucking insane!!

Mark said...

Coke is it!

Owner Operator said...

i get that there are ads now. but how does it work? do you get paid per click on said ads? is that how it works? if so i'll click away....

sunrisehomeland said...

y'all need adblock plus. It blocks the adds (ie you don't see them at all)

Owner Operator said...

@ sunrisehomeland

but if we block it maybe beeks doesnt get paid. and that's a bad thing. so stop being a docuhe and click those ads. werd.

jsin1981 said...

Wendys is the shit. BK-lets go get a Double Double after the show in Hollywood. My friend works at the one on Orange in Hollywood. He'll hook it up!

bagels and jalepinos said...

oh ah ah ah were dogs of war now oh ah ah ah

sunrisehomeland said...

ooh, busted

Candice said...

Well said banana