Good morning everyone! Hey, you know what I love? Peanut butter. But not just any old peanut butter. Heavens no! Why, I love rich, thick Jif brand peanut butter. That’s right, kids. Can’t get enough of it. In fact, when I’m sitting around, drinking my Dunkin Donuts brand coffee in the morning, sometimes I dump a little Jif in there just to spruce it up. Not that Dunkin Donuts delicious coffee needs any sprucing up, you know? Of course you do. How could America’s Favorite Coffee possibly get any better? Well, Jif brand creamy peanut butter is one way. Another way? Jim Beam old fashioned Bourbon Whiskey. Nothing says “top o’ the morning” to you like a wee nip of Jim Beam brand whiskey while the rooster’s still a-crowin.’ Am I right? Of course I am. Okay, just thought I’d throw that out there real quick, apropos of nothing. Um, what’s up everyone? Having a good beginning of your week?
I sure am. I’m making money from home, using a patented, tried and true method that allows me to just sit here, stewing in the smells of my own farts as they waft through my Hanes brand terrycloth robe and ensconce me, like a homemade aromatherapy. You too can create your own aromatherapy at home, by the way! It’s true. Try White Castle brand sliders and wash about nine of them down with a delicious twelver of Bud Select 55: all the gayness of drinking a cosmo, all the bloating of chugging real beer, but without that pesky feeling of heightened self esteem or relaxed lucidity. That’s right, kids! Bud Select 55! The quickest way to look picky and unsophisticated at the same time!
Okay, sorry. I kind of went off there. Can’t help it though. It just seems like there are so many great products out there, you know? It’s almost crazy. I mean, I don’t even know what to buy these days. It can be overwhelming. Okay, let’s say I want to buy a catamaran. Of course I’ll start out by using Google brand search engines and then compare prices to see if anyone is even coming close to beating the ridiculously low prices offered by Bass Pro online, and then, after all that, I’ll make a choice. Of course this is an idle example, because South African Gunboat brand Catamarans are the only choice for the discerning Catamaraner, but you get my point. If only there was a way for companies to get the word out there to people like me, and hey, people like you, well that would be great. I mean, I don’t know about you guys, but if I had a place, like perhaps on the internet where I went every day because of consistently high quality content that could somehow link me, the consumer in the coveted 18-49 demographic, to products and services that I may like or need or maybe not even know that I need, why, that would be a dream come true to me. Don’t you guys think? Like, for example, I go to this one blog every day…it’s okay, nothing great, but the other day I went to it and I saw an ad for John Strong brand titanium vibrating buttplugs (his and hers) and I thought to myself “Huh, never thought about getting a matching set of his and hers buttplugs that come with a lifetime warranty and can be engraved for only ten extra dollars, but maybe I should, you know…put that in the maybe pile for Christmas.” It would be a good gift, after all. For my parents, I mean. Come on. What did you think I meant?
Anyway, today’s shaping up to be pretty good. My mother in law is coming, via Frontier Airlines, and then I’m going to take her out to Wendy’s for a delicious sandwich of her choice. Did you know she can get a baked potato or chili instead of fries with her value meal for no extra charge? That’s just some of the bold new shit that’s popping off over at Wendy’s, son! Yeah. Holla!
Sorry. Where was I? Oh yeah…I leave on tour in a few days. That should be pretty cool. I’m coming your way West coast, so watch out In n Out brand burgers, Vivid brand pornography, Ashley Blue brand latex molded vagina and asshole, Everlasting Gobstopper brand candies, Provinex brand ether, Home Depot house-brand Rubber tubing and latex rope, Chevy brand unmarked windowless vans and Three Olives Bubble brand vodka. It’s gonna be a hell of a time!
Can I get a “Coke is it!” from everyone?