Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Feel free to tremble before me, kay?

Hello scum. Now that I’m a maven of the advertising world, I think it’s safe to say that I’m on the fast track to success. I can’t wait for all the checks to start pouring in from Google and various peanut butter concerns, all of them begging for my powerful endorsement. This is great. This is the real adrenal gland of the fucking American dream, people. Take notes Horatio Alger and Raoul Duke…You sit on your dick and type mindless drivel to unwashed filthy hordes of retards and plebians and then sit back and let the forty five cent checks add up until you can afford to buy a free standing Quiznos and a yacht. Yes, it IS TOO the American dream! It’s got all the components: impractical opulence, healthy disrespect for the public, money for nothing, swelling sense of superiority gained without any sense of meritocracy, obesity, extra mayonnaise, and of course, yachts. What else could you ask for, America? Forget it. I’m not asking you people anything. Maybe someday when you’re ad men like me, you’ll understand and then, when we’re down at the country club, at the bar in the great room, smoking Cuban cigars and drinking goat blood out of African baby skulls, we can all laugh about these early days, when the world seemed so wide open and there was that brief, fleeting moment of white hot terror when we suspected and then KNEW that someday we’d have to toil. Then, along came TJ Maxx and Lil’ Wayne’s World ads, and now, well, call over the slave, would you? I’m almost finished with my goat’s blood.

Seriously, though, since diving headfirst into the world of monetized blogging and endless streams of revenue, I’ve made a few changes. That’s right: Hair plugs, tummy tuck, pec and calf implants, new dick, better, unchafable nipples, a bicycle built for two, new granite countertops, a ballsack massager and a place in the storage space for him to sleep when he’s not working the knots out of my balls. I know, lavish. But man, you should see me. Did I mention teeth caps? Oh yeah. When I smile I look like that wall of refrigerators down at Circuit City. And I got a whole new layer of epidermis on my back to insure that I’ll never again deal with the horrors of back hair. Thank god! Although, really, at this point my appearance is irrelevant. I can buy and sell women as though they were mere Mexicans. You don’t like my back hair, well, back to the jizz mines, my dear. I’ll find someone who positively loves me for me and my yacht and my back hair and for all the endless revenue that my ads for the Hulbert Financial Digest provide. That’s right ladies. No more kicking me around. In fact, NO ONE can tell me what to do anymore, except the good people at google and TJ Maxx. Besides them I’m on top of the heap, and you can either get on this yacht or let the foamy spray hit you in the face, beeeeyotches! Yeah, boye!
What else? Um…I leave on tour tomorrow. It’s gonna be great. Well, it was gonna be cool enough to fly out and avoid that whole texas/iowa/south Dakota stretch of nothingness, but now, now I’m flying out on a private jet and when I get there, I’m gonna do what I please. You want to hear songs? Heh. Maybe. If I feel like it. That’s how it works now. Maybe I’ll just get up there and tell stories, or whack off, or fling my shit like some sort of colobus monkey. Maybe I’ll just toss nickels out to you guys and laugh like some sort of robber baron as my time traveling zeppelin floats me gently up and into the future. You never can tell with renegade millionaires like me or that one toothy bastard from Virgin. We’re unpredictable. That’s sort of the compelling risk taking that turned us into billionaires in the first place, innit? Um…what’s that guys name again? Um…branson. Dick Branson. Kind of a folksy ozarky name for a trillionaire, isn’t it? I’ll have to get one of my girls to put me in touch with him. I need other mavericks on my speed dial. I can’t just hang out with you guys forever. You understand, right? Nevermind. Who cares? Okay, memo sent. Perfect.
Yeah, so my flight leaves at ten am and I don’t know what the situation is gonna be like while I’m out on the road. I’d really like to do a sort of “dispatch from the trenches” kinda deal if I can, but we’ll see. It’s a short tour and I’ve got a lot of living to do, I can’t just be sitting around at the computer all day. I mean, as I dictate this to my man-servant, Claudio, (hi guys! [don’t worry, I told him he could do that]) I’m already becoming dry-mouthed and bored. I tire of this, Claudio. No, don’t write that down? Are you still taking dictation? Jesus Christ, Claudio, no wonder they didn’t want you in Honduras!

63 comments:

Candice said...

return the ball massager- i'll do it for free.

jsin1981 said...

Bring it on Mr. Millionaire!!!

balls yo said...

Fuckin funny! although not "epic"...hilarious. can't wait til you are in Phoenix throwing shit into the crowd, look for the guy collecting ur turds and stuffing them into his own asshole for keepsake.

Sean said...

Yea return the ball massager... Candice and I will do it for free!

Donnie said...

Oh Brendan..if only you didnt hate Texas.

sheila said...

...and if only you didn't hate the PAC NW...i guess we have your bro to thank for that, though.

Banana@1000MPH said...

I'm still stoked the NW got Neil. And I think that we get Cobra Skulls enough to almost make up for those dastardly Larry Arms.

Jesus said...

So do you normally just run in to the bar, yell "FUCK YOU! TOUUURR!" and they know what's happening?

THAT would be epic. Give it a shot sometime, champ.

Drew Brooks said...

Flinging shit at people? Are you G. G. Allin now?

j said...

saturday can not get here soon enough...

Blake said...

I wish GG Allin wrote a blog :(

Owner Operator said...

wow. awesome. i clicked a few adds for health insurance. you owe me one 99th of a beer. nice....

today was comedy gold.


you should get ya "tid bits" on on tour.

4 lines here.

2 words there.

a sentance here.

etc.



nice





word veri: jasess
is that like "JASESS CHRIST, THAT THERE RABBIT JUST BIG MY DOOG. IMA SHOOT HIM AN ET HIM" southern drawl for jesus stuff?

Blake said...

Maybe Australian southern??

Kyle said...

hate, the ads.

Banana@1000MPH said...

Kyle, go to another website - look at all the flashing ads, the distracting ads, the ads that pop up and get in the way of what you are trying to do. Then look at the ads on here. Then compare how much you want a website like Yahoo or Facebook or whatever to make money to how much you want Brendan Kelly to make money.

Blake said...

Kyle sucks. He can be pretty lame too. Whiny? Yup!

Jake Regier said...

"Blake said...

I wish GG Allin wrote a blog :(
November 4, 2009 2:13 PM"

Yes, yes, and yes.

Blake said...

You're probably right, Jake.

For The Night said...

GABRIEL!!!!!!
disclaimer...sorry for using this for personal reasons guys.

I just noticed you commented on my blog. The forthenight thing comes from Spray paint on the back wall of divinchis pizza. We got it from the same place because I am pretty sure you are the Gabe I remember. I posted a comment on my blog with my email address and shit. Get in touch it would be cool to catch up

TheViz said...

Hey BK, I was wondering if I could get some advice. See, over the past fiveish years me and my friend (my bass player/co-songwriter/hetero-lifemate) have been in a number of bands that never went anywhere, however, with our current project, shit's actually working and people actually like us. Problem: it's a ska band. Don't get me wrong, I do like ska, and for a while it was fun writing ska songs, but the way our songwriting's been going it's getting harder and harder not to do them as punk songs, which is really where we come from as musicians and writers. I don't want to ditch my horn players (because I consider them good friends), but having to deal with them in the band means it takes us forever to put together songs when if we were just a three-piece we could crank them out as fast as we can write them (the three of us play off of each other very well musically). I don't want to be a dick to my friends (who are all totally into it and are definitely putting themselves and their time and effort into the band), but at the same time we really want to change the focus of the band, because ska, while fun in the short run, is really limiting. Words of wisdom?

Brian Detweiler said...

How did your ads know I needed eczema treatment?! Brilliant, sir. Brilliant.

Mary said...

See you tonight in Tempe!

Jake Regier said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
balls yo said...

See you there mary. I will walk around guessing if its you...."Hi, are you mary?". And so on.

I am also going to buy a bottle of whiskey from the bar, breathe fire and put that fire out by pissing in my own mouth.

balls yo said...

Just got home from the Larry arms show at Chasers....SO fucking awesome! woooohooooo.... forget the rape shower, dont need one of those tonight :)..

fuck in A, in strange coincidence, i told myself to not "be that guy" and introduce myself to anyone as a sock, then brendan was next to me by the front door, so whats the first thing i do, tell him i'm balls yo.
he was super nice, thanks brendan, and chatted about the blog and his kids full mouth of teeth.
tour manager thanked me for leaning back against the crowd to keep em off stage (i know, i'm a sort of hero) and i genuinely had a blast.
best band to see live, ever.

thank you.

(Note to socks: Brendan told me he keeps this going bcuz of all of us and people who keep reading)

time to set a comments record socks.

Mary said...

AZ show: silly, ridiculous, amazing.

Ridiculous as in, what the hell was the deal with only 2 bartenders?! I swear they kept running to a closet for beer..but I digress

Let's do that again sometime!

Candice said...

jealousjealousjealousjealous

Toto said...

hahahaha, i love that photo candice. BK looks really focused...
and please let's not make a "Candice's Ass" blogger ala
"Candice's Breasts", that wouldn't be original folks.

PD:i just discovered a band called Tokio Hotel,it's not even funny, it's worse than the Holocaust, Vietnam, and Bush's administration combined,they make Brokencyde look like Pink Floyd.

Toto said...

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE FUCKING SINGER?!?!?! PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HIM! at least trannys are funny , but he is just pathetic.


yeah...i've got nothing better to do...i'm so fucking bored...

DoYouStillHateMe? said...

i will see you tonight at the casbah. so excited! i'll try not to creep you out

Robb said...

Toto - yea they're apparently a German manufactured/boy band sort of deal. Seems like a mash-up of new-era AFI and Panic at the Disco? It'd be fun to pay Davey Havok an absurd sum of money to hang with their frontman for a full day under the guise of male bonding/vaguely-hinted sexual interest and become gradually more mean and aggressive as the day progressed--culminating in Davey forcing him into rough fellatio before a lemon meringue pie to the face and brutal curb stomp.

amanda.bree said...

Last night was amazing! Can't wait to do it again in Hollywood!

Mark said...

Whats the set looking like for you guys?

TheViz said...

Hey, remember that time you wrote about drunkenness being a form of time travel?

I understand now.

Maximilian said...

toto, robb, you guys are lucky that you only know this band for a short time. i know them for two years now. man.... there's nothing good in this fuckin country.

Banana@1000MPH said...

Is Ron Jeremy a juggalo?

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/2dd77f10b7/ron-jeremy-bigralis-urinal-skit

Look at his shirt.

Robb said...

Well not so fast - Your porn is top notch, Maximilian. There's this sort of rampant perversion that pervades German porn that is truer and more steadfast and overall filthier than anything us Yanks bring to the table.

laurabm said...

Candice- why didn't you have BK sign your breasts? That seems fitting! Also can I just add that his wife must be a patient saint to deal with female fans? That take's a strong woman right there.

Candice said...

Laura- he actually did sign them once two years ago on the NYC booze cruise. But now that I have three signed boy shorts it's about time I get matching signed bras. Just gotta work on having someone make me tla/the falcon/bsc bras.

And his wife really is awesome. He's a lucky man.

laurabm said...

If/when they tour the east coast you should come up to boston. We'll knock the socks off the usual sausage-fest.

Candice said...

laura- anything on the northeast coast i'll be at. unfortunately they don't have plans to come here anytime soon :(

Stizzy said...

uhh...

thesockdrawer.org?

you probably have nothing better to do anyway.

James said...

BK,

Thank you for saturday night. it was easily one of the best nights in the last year. And thanks for being completely accessible to the fans, even though I completely pus'd out and didn't even try.

The show was awesome, the set was great. again tahnk you thank you thank you. Come back to socal soon!

- James

~die~ said...

Brendan,

Thanks for the awesome show and for hangin' out all night w/ your annoying fans! You and Matt Skiba are truly the most down to earth rock stars ! Love the Troubadour !

Blair said...

Dude, I just drove 9 hours for the soul purpose of seeing your band.. I'd say you owe me a beer and a show in Portland..

jsin1981 said...

OK socks and Dogs of War, Me and my wife ~die~ represented big time for us this Sat. @The Troubadour. We had Dogs of War hats made and when Beex seen 'em he almost fell out of his barstool(I'm sure the drinks didn't help). Go read my blog for a full acount of the night-and please leave comments and storys of your show-If you got to make one of the last couple shows. Thanks---JSIN
recordjunkiejsin.blogspot.com

Robb said...

Because you name-check him so often and he is clearly a formidable presence in your life, dedicate an entire entry to the Life and Times of Sean Nader. The people (me) want it.

jsin1981 said...

I second that. Sean Nader was the coolest guy the other night. We talked all night long but I would like to hear some storys about him.

Blake said...

Four words - Lil Wayne Baby Picture..you did it, BK!

Banana@1000MPH said...

Do we have any good photoshoppers in the Sock Drawer? I just found manbabies.com (Safe For Work, but incredibly disturbing at the same time) and I'm thinking I would like to see one of these of BK.

I'm thinking this picture would be perfect to work with:

http://c3.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/103/l_1061eb53b3cdc982afdd6b3870a6cb02.jpg

Someone please make my dream come true.

Stizzy said...

Hey everyone!

the hard at work internet detectives over at thesockdrawer.org have uncovered an adorable baby picture of Mr. Kelly. head on over to see for yourself.

Candice said...

loveitloveitloveit

Blake said...

Yes, a delightful, yet creepy, photograph of father and son.

http://www.thesockdrawer.org/2009/11/13/will-someone-turn-brendan-into-a-manbaby-for-me/page1/

Mark said...

Something I just figured out: All of Brendans songs on Buttsweat pretty much use the same chords. Fucker.

Stizzy said...

so mark what's it like up there? on your high horse.

Sean said...

yea, but that's practically all of his songs....

in fact, that's practically all of anyone's songs.

but the fact that using the same chords doesnt effect the quality of his songs shows how good of a songwriter/lyricist he really is, ya know?

in my opinion, at least...

Sean said...

i'd like to tag an "lol" onto the end of my previous comment... in case it's accidentally mistaken as edgy


...... lol.

Mark said...

I'm not on a high horse, relax



...lol

Banana@1000MPH said...

So I gave Adam that manbaby picture last night after Cobra Skulls' set. He showed it to Teenage Bottlerocket and Devin - and probably other people.

Shannon said...

http://thejuggalog.tumblr.com/


Juggalo blog goodness. Made my Day.

Stizzy said...

I'm just fuckin with ya mark

David said...

Banana- I just sent it in! I'll let everyone know if they post it.

Bradley said...

BK needs to get his ass off tour and come back to write me a blog. I can't handle this.