Friday, May 28, 2010

Hey soul sister!

Well, I knew it. It turns out that we’re all full of shit, and our preferences are really dictated for the most part by our own unconscious self image and how well whoever you’re dealing with matches up to this image.

Oh, I know what you’re saying. “I’m a big fat black lady and I love tiny asian boys” or “my best friend is Mexican and I’m a quadriplegic jew” and wow…yeah, way to be, folks. That’s the kind of diversity and unity that keeps this crazy blue marble spinning, but that’s not entirely what I’m talking about.

The thing is, and I’m paraphrasing this study to a point that’s gotta be absolutely maddening to anyone who actually did the research or followed it closely, you’ve got traits, mental and physical that may be real and may just be all in your head.

Like you out there! Yeah, you! You think that you’ve got chiseled features, but really you’re doughy and lopsided. You, you think that you’re really magnanimous but really you’re a self serving, self congratulatory will smith type dong choker. You don’t know yourself very well. Neither do I. It’s hard. That’s why, when you’re out somewhere and you catch a glimpse of yourself in a mirror that you didn’t know was there, it’s so fucking unsettling. “Who the fuck is THAT?” you think to yourself, which makes a lot of sense, since you’re really the only person you know who’s never stood there in a room with you across the way. You’re the only one of your friends who’s never looked at you when you’re not paying attention, when your gut’s out and you’re slack jawed and you’re just sitting there playing with your nipple or picking your nose. You don’t know you, bro.

But that’s not really the point.

The point is, you’ve got traits that you share with other people, despite how aware you may be of them. Some, you’ve got nailed (“I’m bald”) and some you don’t ever think about (“I’ve got asymmetrical nostrils”) but they’re all there, and these traits when you see them in other people, engender a fundamental, base level sense of kinship in you that makes bonds like trust and friendship easier to form.

Now, relax, quadri-jew! That’s not to say this is the ONLY way that you find friends or lovers or whatever, and lots of the traits are things that aren’t really consciously discernable, because, as we said earlier, you don’t know yourself very well.

Know how people say you look like someone and you just can’t see it? Meanwhile, you think you look like Jude Law or Mindy Main, but nobody is telling you that. They’re saying Kevin James and Grace Jones. That’s because you’ve got a warped self image. People tell me that my kid and I are spitting images, but I don’t see it, and that, folks, IS the point.

You have this sense of feature related kinship that comes from the primitive notion that your family is there to protect you and be protected by you, and as such, you feel naturally, by way of genetics, close to them. You understand what I’m saying. I’m not suggesting that the only people that you like are those who look just like you, simply that you’ve definitely got a predisposition to feel comfortable around those people (personal opinions of how you or they look [“I think I’m ugly,” or “that guy is a slob”] notwithstanding).

What’s the ultimate manifestation of this? Have you ever heard about the freakish (and sadly, not totally uncommon) stories of fraternal twins, separated at birth who meet in adulthood, fall in love and get married, sometimes have kids, all the while blissfully unaware that they’re perfect genetic matches of each other? Can you imagine? I mean, can you even fathom the deep bond that two twins that didn’t know they were twins would instantly form? It would be crazy! I mean, you think you’re in love now…you got nothing on the self/fraternal/sexual/emotional family/emotional friend/confidant/person that looks so much like me that my primate instincts are ordering me to feel good around this person cocktail of affection that two unwitting twins would have to possess upon getting to know each other as adults.

Shit, man. It’s hard enough out there. It’s hard to find someone you can stand, let alone really, truly get along with. Add in bonability and you’ve got a tough row to hoe no matter how you look at it in terms of finding a mate.

I’ve got a buddy who says things like “I’m gonna just kind of do my thing until I’m 40 and then find a wife and settle down” as though it’s that easy. You don’t get to pick when you find love, buddy. IF you’re lucky enough to find someone who can stand you that you want to be around too, there’s still so many timing issues and bigger galactic problems of families, locations, careers, prison time, luck, bad luck and all that to deal with that the notion of deciding when you’re gonna meet ‘the one’ for you is so completely naïve that it borders on insulting. No, in fact it’s totally insulting to all the people out there who keep dating dudes who bang their friends at parties or girls who have saggy meat bag cans or whatever.

Now, think about meeting the perfect person, against all odds. You’ve won the lottery. THEN, consider the other lottery that you’ve won, the bad lottery, when you realize that your perfect husband is actually your long lost twin.

That’s suicide stuff, folks. And not funny suicide either. Real, honest-to-pete drive down to the bridge and dive off type stuff.

Anyway, I was just thinking about unwitting incest and what a crazy thing it is to be alive, and I thought I’d share it with you. Tune in Monday for “consensual incest: those creepy folks in Australia and more” if you dare.

Have a nice weekend!

28 comments:

Bridgett said...

When I took Psychology 101, the teacher lectured about people finding symmetry attractive. This is why no one likes Shannen Doherty. (Look it up, her face is fucking freaky.) Also, people are apparently attracted to mates with the opposite immunities, like if I was immune to A B C and F, I might be attracted to someone immune to D and E. However, birth control fucks this up and makes females attracted to people with the same immunities.

Sylvester Trombone said...

Mindy and I had "relations" just last night. Funny you should mention her.

Dude, are you working tonight? I've got a thirst for whiskey.

FranklinStein said...

I just looked up Shannon Doherty and felt my dick expanding.

Let's see, I've been told I look like Jack Osbourne, Kevin Jonas, and Layne Staley. I can see the first two, Staley not at all.

Brendan, you look like Robert Deniro at times and a thinner Eric Soloman from O Pioneers!!!

David said...

This really bummed me out.

dustyfloors said...

I have twin friends. They're both dudes but I think they've tasted each others' dick for sure. I'll have to discuss this with them.

Robb said...

Nah S-Doh always has and will be hot, no denying it. Sure, somethin's a bit fishy w the eyes but it's not severe and everything else overrides it. I'm sure there's a few examples of male celebs with asymm. faces that women go gaga for. I can't provide an example but, you know. No doubt symmetry holds true in general but there's always exceptions I mean.

Robb said...

and BK/Deniro? ...really? You do resemble a young tom savini at times though, B. Relax I said young, jesus. Ladies - if you feel I'm being insulting - ok he wasn't lookin so great in Planet Terror but watch From Dusk Till Dawn and tell me you wouldn't hit that. Whip guy.

planespotting said...

I've also heard about what Bridgette says. You can tell if your body is attracted to someone if they smell nice to your nose - that supposedly means they have an immune system that is opposite of yours

Sean said...

... Owen Wilson's face is asymmetrical... that nose is fuuuuucked.

kylewagoner said...

Well I've found this girl that I like a lot (and before I get into it, let me clarify that this isn't to be looked on as a potential life partner being we're both teenagers) and she likes me BUT she's like...got ODD and I'm PRETTY sure she is convincing herself that sexual things are unpleasant simply because I think they aren't? It's damn confusing...and also she's stubborn, so...I don't even know why I'm talking, but I hear ya! It's tough!

love,
Kyle

The Fight Of Thought said...

“consensual incest: those creepy folks in Australia and more”

Oh man...that crazy Dad and daughter couple that hit the headlines are from my hometown in Australia!...

james bliss said...

That study sounds like some cognitive neuroscientist (or worse, a psychologist) is coming to the same conclusions (albeit in a lame, roundabout way that still misses the point) that Freud came to a century ago. That is, that there are internal barriers to understanding why we do what we do, why we say what we say, why we want what we want, etc.

But we've got people making careers out of telling you what it means if someone smells nice to you. Stupid world.

kennyg said...

ok, I know I'm a little bit late on the A Day to Remember post, but I tried posting this comment on my blackberry and it didn't work.
Anyway, check this out. It's definitely worth the watch.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQVpITyOdc8

I laughed SO hard at this the first time. I guess the fact that they're serious is even better. I like the Kanye-style auto tone singing

kennyg said...

Oh, and if I'm super late and everyone has seen that video already:
my bad niggaz

Jimmy Collyer said...

Kenny I saw that this summer and I also found it hilarious. Someone made a funny gif out of it too..http://img20.imageshack.us/i/crabcore.gif/?a=V&ci=0&rt=5.... Sock drawer thoughts on getting the new bsc shirt in purple?

FranklinStein said...

holy SHIT that Attack Attack! music video was fucking genius!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bridgett said...

One of my coworkers got his hair cut today, and he looks like a black Brendan Kelly. He's just got different tattoos and drives a Yukon with 'lambo doors.

Bridgett said...

PS: This reminds me of that post from the other day. Found it on CNN. Good reporting they do there. Gary Coleman, BP, and furries.

http://www.ketv.com/news/23703415/detail.html

Robb said...

should probably clarify I meant like '70s savini, lest you think I'm having a go. In dawn of the dead (original) he plays a biker gang leader, and I made the comparison when I was watching that awhile back. Still maybe I was on crack. Honestly cant really think of any celeb you look much like..guess you just got your own sex magik dawg!

Blake said...

Robb - Savini's the dude with the dick gun, right?

Robb said...

Yup. "Sex Machine"

Blake said...

I've been told that, but Savini's the dude with the dick gun, right?

Owner Operator said...

australia rocks! wooooooo
fuck you. but really. there is this guy in adelaide that is fucking his mum. seriously. not cool.

word veri: bacrarb

The Super Erica said...

http://www.fhmonline.com/site/content/article.aspx?ID=43782

thought you would appreciate that.

Jack said...

Seriously, what the fuck? Was it like a user poll, because Twilight weirdo's hijack the polls (she pretty much won a BAFTA that way, made alot of people over here pretty pissed.)

That said have any of you seen Adventureland? She was pretty hot in that I guess, in a 'alt. girl next door' kind of way. Definitely not 3rd best looking woman in the world though!

Tom said...

I thought this weeks xkcd was very relevant after last weeks outburst: http://xkcd.com/747/

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Andrew said...

http://gawker.com/5551788/couple-falls-in-love-has-kid-finds-out-that-theyre-siblings

Pretty much a dead-on example of what you were talking about, only not, you know, theoretical.