Friday, August 6, 2010

I say old chum! is that a dirgible up there in the ether?

Heyo. When I was in Denver, I woke up one morning among the clouds, a full mile above sea level, to the pounding headache associated with altitude poisoning (which is a fancy way to say hangover) and decided to go get myself some coffee. The coffee shop was a retrofitted little affair that used to occupy some kind of crappy garage or something but was now being run by an extremely pleasant, good looking and painfully slow woman who seemed about as interested in moving the line for coffee along as an average person is to just up and die. As a result, I had the pleasure of looking around at a wild assortment of hipster dipshits for (no shit!) about fifteen minutes. The longhaired asian guy in the straight-brimmed cap and the striped tank top was telling the slightly putrid fat girl in the cats eye glasses all about how his store was 'killing it' and then proceeded to give her a little square glossy flier (probably for some kind of DJ oriented event). The various guys with their various mustaches were all sitting around with their various highly individual ideas about fancy teas and at some point I realized that this noise, this horrible clacking noise was irritating the shit out of me on top of all this.

I decided to sneak a peek around and here's what I found: at the bar, in a deep v neck purple shirt (probably with a scarf) and some dumb glasses and 'uniquely groomed' beard was this dildo (I hate to just skim by this...this guy was such a dildo that there needs to be a new word. What do dildos use as dildos when they're sitting in the bedside drawer just playing with themselves idly? Because that's what this dude was, a dildo for a dildo, a dildo's dildo. Beyond the doubleheaded dildo or the vibrating, pearl filled dildo; beyond the veiny complete-with-hairy-sack dildo, beyond the pocket rocket or the fleshlight or any dildo cousin lies this guy, the worlds biggest dildo of all dldos, and here's why:) (please note that I was typing a colon followed by a parenthesis and not trying to make a smiley emoticon right there...sorry bout that) typing on a fucking typewriter.

This typewriter was the sort that was full sized. It was probably a foot deep and it easily weighed at least thirty pounds if not significantly more. This choach was plucking away at it with the skill of an eleven year old boy with down syndrome playing the intro to "One" by Metallica and he had a stack of "work" next to his giant typing machine. AND this thing was making a shit ton of noise. However, the longhaired asian store owner, the fat cat glasses girl and the slew of other deesh in that place seemed oblivious to this most outrageous of social blunders and the appropriate response, namely: when you show up somewhere lugging thirty pounds of awkward pretension with you and then sit there and annoy everyone with your 'dedication to the way things once were' at the expense of not only your ability to get whatever super important shit you're pretending to do done well and without mistakes, all the while showing off that you can barely use the antiquated dinosaur of a machine that you dragged from your home to use in public specifically so people would see you using it (at nine in the fucking morning, by the way) the people around you are required to openly mock you and/or piss on your shoes.

But hey, that's denver. They still think there's gold in the mountains and they watch the Nuggets. Maybe they don't know any better, but you, my dear gentle Dogs of War, I beseech you! Keep your wacky ideas about doing shit the old timey way to a minimum or face the open mockery of the world at large. Sure, you can shave with a straight razor and ride horses every day and have natural vagina based childbirth and 'hang ten' on your longboard and you can put on your leather helmet and goggles and ride your pennyfarthing and wear a bathingsuit with sleeves and curl your mustache (yeah...I know. I know. I'm free to decry my own actions. This isn't Russia) and make woefully out of date references to the collapsed USSR and its draconian policies, but ultimately you're just really wearing a sandwich board that says "I'm an attention starved dipshit who's all out of good ideas and this is what's left".

It's true folks. Enjoy your weekend. I'm off to detroit.

21 comments:

Eric said...

this shit was hilarious. always miss bk when there arent any new posts...

anyone who carries a typewriter around is retarded. I dont even like hailing my heavy ass 17in screened laptop around cause its too bulky!

Mike C. said...

bk

I saw this in a video yesterday and thought it had to be an exaggeration of hipsters, I guess I was wrong.

for your visual enjoyment:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z5dIzY7yvRA&feature=player_embedded

Johno said...

Hahaha, his made me laugh so much.

sean said...

Detroit: the armpit of America

Scott said...

typewriter...not the first time i have seen and/or heard about this happening. It is everywhere and usually you can probably find a picture of a guy using one posted to that same douche-bag's tumblr.

Don't get me wrong, tumblr is great for looking at hot naked chicks, nerdy things and what not, but there is an OBSCENE amount of douchebagery going on with hipsters and their self-important shit about how they are so different from the rest of us. They are so fucking "ahead" of the times by looking like what no one really wore in the '80s but what has become associated with it.

I could go on for days about this, but it probably just fuels their need for attention.

p.s. that youtube video is freaking hilarious

Sean said...

Beex, this is definitely one of my favorite posts you have ever written...


Also, do you find it strange or annoying that people you don't really know call you nicknames like Beex or BK or Donghuffer? Just curious...

Candice said...

i love this story.

ian. said...

You're lucky the fellow didn't bring along his typeset box and composing stick. shit could've gotten real messy.

enjoy detroit.

Nate B. said...

When I was cleaning out my Grandmother's house I found an old typewriter. I got an inkling to dust it off and use it for writing school papers etc. After turning it on and trying to type something just for fun I changed my mind and went back to my laptop.

黃以陳美苓富 said...

Care killed the cat. take care yourself.............................................................

Candice said...

stop the nonsense, chenz.

Johnson said...

In defense of Denver...um, Denverites, there IS gold in them hills...

Ross said...

i'm surprised he didn't mention the extreme over abundance of neck tattoos here. it's getting bad.

Y'allAreBrutalizinMeEe! said...

Ricky Malambri from the forthcoming Step Up: 3D went to my high school yallz! He went by 'Ricky' in those days! In other news, I wouldn't object to the notion of $exy-ass 54-yr-old Kim Cattrall grinding her awesome ass granny bunz againt my face any weekday of the weeklong! In other news, my patience with "Oriental Sock Drawer Faggot, Second Phase" has reached its culmination! Have you seen "Noriko's Dinner Table", Chink-tard? It's the non-acclaimed sequel to Sion Sono's 2001 piece of shit 'Suicide Club'!!!

A said...

This is fantastic. You have such a talent for writing, particularly about the hilarity of hipsters. Can't wait to read more!

And Sean (the first one), cut the Detroit jokes-they're so fucking unoriginal (although true), it's pathetic. If you're going to rip on us, do everybody a favor and go home and write an new joke about it. Otherwise, you're just like every other dipshit who rips on Detroit because they can. Thanks a million.

AC said...

the paragraph with the multiple parenthesis blew my mind.

AC said...

*parentheses. FUCK. fail..

Shaun said...

Alright, so something that is bothering me:

Brendan talked in a previous entry about this. It's a special that some bars can't advertise because it's illegal to do so. The local radio station that does bar specials and live broadcasts often says "be caller 9 now and we'll give you a happy hour plus something I can't tell you about on the air."

What is it?

No need for anyone to "advertise" it, but it's one of those OCD things that bugs the shit out of me and I can't just go to a bar and say "hey, I want that illegal shit they mentioned on the radio."

I imagine it's something lame like drinks being sold at prices below market value, but I am begging someone to enlighten me.

Robb said...

Are you friends in any way w Matt from the bronx/drips? Don't worry about answering - it's rhetorical, stupid. Those guys are funny in interviews. Drips need to record another record, goddamnit. That is all

Owner Operator said...

this post was short fast and loud. just awesome. thanking you brandong

文王廷 said...

良好的開端,已是成功的一半。..................................................