Wednesday, August 25, 2010

WWBKD?

Man, this world has gone crazy! Oil spills, war, muslim presidents, cockfighting, and now Heidi Pratt wants her tits out. It's true. Now that she's shopping her sex tape (um, totally awesome by the way) Heidi's bad mouthing her ex and her tits and saying that she feels manipulated by all three of them and ultimately trapped in her body. I'd like to be trapped in her body if you know what I'm saying! HEYOOOO!!!!! Get it? It's a euphemism for banging, folks.

Now, I know what you're thinking: she's gross, she's covered in surgeries and she's on tape gargling spencer pratt's weird balls and that's pretty fucking disgusting, but you know what? I think she's WAAAAAAY hotter now than she was back when she was ugly. I know, that's a terrible thing to say and she shouldn't have to change her face and ass and yadda yadda yadda and everyone thinks she's weird looking now. The thing is, she was fucking weird looking before. Weirder in fact.

Yes, her tits are unnatural. I know, I know. Can't help it, folks. I think they look pretty good. And you know what? I've got lots of unpopular opinions about specific celebrity women and I'd like to share some of them with you today:

Jwow from the Jersey Shore: She's a babe. She's so hot and huge and skanky and awesome and drunk. She looks like she weighs about 180 pounds and towers over me at something like 6'4" but that's probably because she's always hanging out with that wasted little orange troll. Usually I don't like my women bigger than me, but I'd definitely make an exception for Jwow. She doesn't really seem to make that many bad decisions relative to the rest of the cast which means, if my math is correct, that she's marriage material, too. Yup. Can't help it. Love Jwow. Also, are those things real? Because they are gravity defiers on par with David Blane and Falcon the balloon boy (I'm referring to her cans, just btw).

Angelina Jolie- She's kind of got this 'mantis with a lot of baloney hanging out of its mouth' look that I can't get past and I think she's a little gross. She's all veiny and serious and she's covered in shitty tattoos and you know that when certain subjects come up she gets a little fake British accent thing going on while she tries to sound erudite. Now, yeah, of course I'm not saying that I wouldn't bang her. It's my theory that you HAVE to bang famous people no matter how gross you think they are (provided that you're not you know, married with kids, which I am, so YES, this is all purely theoretical of course) simply so you can impress random people at bars/totally bum out your ex boyfriend or future spouse with the story. AND, sure, if she wasn't famous and randomly approached me at Hedonism 2 out by the pool, yup, I'd probably be stoked. But as it stands, as a regular dickhead out here in the midwest with an internet connection and an asshole opinion, nah. She's gross.

J-Lo- icky, old, barfy, and looks like she smells absolutely terrible. Also, you can kind of just tell she's a horrible cunt. Plus, Senior Skeletor that she's married to is creepy and he's probably had a negative effect on her vagina, like chronic cobwebs or bones stacked in piles around the entrance or something like that.

Scarlett Johansen- Looks very nice, but seems like she'd be a terrible lay. She kind of talks like she's braindead and has a timbre in her voice that suggests halitosis. Um, what else? I mean, I can't stress this enough folks, she's hot. I'm just saying, she's such a bad actress, so dead eyed and monotone and simultaneously weird and ego driven enough that she's making a living in hollywood, man...that's a bad combo that's not gonna lead to a good bone sesh, bros. I could be wrong. I HOPE I'm wrong. I hope one of my dogs of war writes in and tells me that "in fact she's great in the sack. I know, as I've pumped her," because I love Van Wilder and I can't stand the thought of him going through all that college tang just to wind up with a lazy dead-fish that won't so much as blow him for the rest of his life.

Simpson sisters- Gross. Gross. Gross. Gross. This is hardly a unique take on anything. Just saying, they're gross.

Lindsay Lohan- SOOOOOOOOO hot. She's incredibly fucked up and crazy and unlike Johansen, there's just no WAY that she's not incredible in bed. She's got more daddy/self esteem/drug issues than most of the Digital Playground team and it's a pretty safe bet that she would have wound up making movies there if she'd stayed out of hollywood until she was 18...but alas, we get Herbie Reloaded instead. Whatever. I know, I know. She's just so hot. She's hot in the courtroom when she's pissed, when she's crying, when she's passed out with her beaver splayed all over the place like a cheeseburger in the Hasslehoff mansion. She's awesome and I look forward to her newfound freedom to make more bad decisions and look hot passed out in any array of new locales with a vast array of hot, sexy, multi colored and missing panties left home in her drawer.

Who else is out there? I mean I think Katy Perry is real good looking, but she's really into the lord too...BUT she puts up with Russel Brand, who seems like a right good bloke, and let's be honest, who DOESN'T think Katy Perry is good looking, right? That's about as controversial as saying Deniro is a good actor or that the McDonalds down the road is full of lard asses. I like Montana Fishburne's moxie...but her dad seems so bummed that it's kind of making me think of all the dads out there who are bummed at all the porn girls out there and the whole thing seems a lot sadder than it does when uh, you know, the cameras are rolling. I guess I dunno about ole' M.F. She's good looking, into trouble and obviously destructively fun (all plusses) but uh...she's making me kind of have 'dad' perspective and I don't like that one bit. Um...moving on quickly.

Kim Kardashian- She's like the Heidi Pratt upgrade. She's better looking, slightly less terrible to hear speak and genuinely rich. Also, she's got a sex tape that doesn't have Spencer Pratt in it. Hmmmm....Well, again, like Katy Perry, she's good looking and everyone knows it, so this isn't really that unpopular of an opinion. AND hey, but the way, I wasn't putting Heidi on the level of Kim or Jwow or KayPer or even ScarJo in terms of looks. I was just saying that everyone thinks that she's gnarly but I think her monstrous and operatic surgery of deformity really suits her better than her old trashy gross naturally hideous face. That's all.

You know what? I think I'm sending all kinds of bad messages here. I gotta somehow make sure my daughter doesn't find this someday. Uh, maybe I'll just make sure she never ever learns to read. That should work.
Kay. Gotta run.
Toodles.

41 comments:

MG said...

When I read Simpson sisters, I thought you meant Lisa and Maggie

michael said...

Hey, thanks for getting my wife completely drunk on tuesday night on our honeymoon. She threw up ALOT. And I didn't get laid. So, thanks and no thanks. But, thanks for the good times.

limited nobility said...

So on to what we're all thinking.katy perry's anus's hue-electric pink or three day old bruise?three day old brew's!!no seriously what do y'all think? p.s. every other celeb on that list is a no brainer obv.I mean look at the first choice I presented and you've got montag,lohan,and lisa simpson covered.ease up guys,lisa is at least kitty purry's age

painkillers1080 said...

this is why i love reading your blog. this and seeing you piss drunk at the sundowner show telling me and my friends that you had lost your friends. You are my hero.

Owner Operator said...

*jwoww

Robb said...

I recall rather fervently insulting Jolie on here way back when, but she's easily the superior female of that bunch. Lohan is even grosser than Bijou Phillips, who sets the bar pretty high

Robb said...

Hyperbole of course, Bijou won't be dethroned any time soon. Thoughts on Hathaway? Smokin though her delivery of that one line early on in Havoc, where she purrrs, "And we are SOO....fuuuuuckin...boooored" into her shy friend's camcorder while booty grindin almost ruined it forever for me

Virtual Visor (Mesmerizer) said...

MG - At this moment I'm incepting the self discipline to henceforth keep stupid fucking shit like that to yourself using a meticulously crafted, carefully monitored dreamscape environment

Kevin Burnett said...

Anyone want to join a Fantasy Football league started by some of us socks from the splinter sock drawer?

on Nfl.com, the league name is Sunday is Beerday

We have 6 teams, need 4 more. Draft is Sunday Sept 5th.

League Website: http://drunkonthecouch.league.fantasy.nfl.com


verification: iMeth

Daniel said...

Hey Brendan, I don't suppose you'd have any way of getting the graphic from cover of The Greatest Story Ever Told without the stuff at the sides, i.e. just the big rectangle with "Magellan et al. Present..." ?

In a fit of love for said album, I'd quite like to get a shirt printed (I don't think you have any for sale?), and though Mac Preview has a built in tool that /could/ do the job if I was savvy enough, I don't really trust myself to not screw it up.

Just wondering. And yeah, BSC is indeed "lock up your daughters" material. haha

Nico said...

It's scary how close our opinions are on this, lol.

verification: dicar.

crazycarl said...

Lohan has always, and will continue to reign supreme. Kudos Dr. Kelly.

Toto said...

i agree almost completely with your list, BUT...ScarJo is easily the hottest one there.c'mon dude, she's got great body, but not too perfect. big meaty lips, but not in a gross way (Jolie), she also seems clever and interesting, unlike all the others.

on the other side, i get the feeling she doesn't shave her beaver(wich i assume is oftenly smelly), wich is a turn off, she might also have the "i fart whenever i want to ,because i don't find it disgusting" attitude, wich is way worse than a hairy and smelly vagina.

i have no idea what i'm saying.

ps: what about Megan Fox? i don't like her at all.

Eric said...

dude I read this and its like I wrote it! Aside from Jwow im with you everywhere. Lindsay lohan looks fucking righteous in the new maxim. Angelina Jolie is attractive to me for the same reasons. They have them dead (dissociating) eyes and that suggests they are jobs for thrill seekers like me. yay for self destruction.

j said...

@Kevin - Did your league fill up? cause it keeps tellin me error when i try to go to that link, cause i want in

james bliss said...

Since no one else will say it... You must have meant Tara Reid when you were talking about scar jo.

Also, didn't women once post here too? I could join a frat if I wanted to see advertisements for fantasy football leagues beneath sentence fragments about female celebrities.

limited nobility said...

You're a brave man james bliss.wrong as fuck but brave nonetheless.tara reid is like angie everhart or some shit in that she's never mentioned in pseudo debates like this anymore.I really appreciate bk's bringing the husky timbre=halitosis as he's absolutely right and that puts the nail in the coffin.Im willing to bet brendan finds christina hendricks revolting.perhaps we'll never know................I dont

limited nobility said...

find her unattractive

A.J. said...

I concur on the Jwow and Lohan front...

Banana@1000MPH said...

no, Tara Reid was the one in Van Wilder.

james bliss said...

I stand corrected.

Except on the point that BSC and the Sock Drawer are looking more and more like an H.R. Giger landscape.

Drunken Acorn said...

Ryan Renyolds is married to Scar Jo. Don't know how I know that, but I do.

dustyfloors said...

I would bang absolutely ANY female celebrity just for the trophy aspect of it...

I think the dirtiest girl I wanna bang is Ke$ha simply because I feel like if I saw her in a bar I could buy her a shot and totally take her home...

Robb said...

Wait what? I was so fixated on Lohan's shittiness before I somehow forgot you even mentioned Johansson. Hotter than Jolie for sure, and thereby best of that bunch, but yea halitosis, tree bark personality and dead fish all definite vibes. Jocelin Donahue from House of the Devil smokes them all anyway

Sean said...

Yea, fuck snookie.

kennyg said...

who the fuck is this virtual visor guy? i incepted his humor using a meticulously crafted, carefully monitored dreamscape environment. and a microscope.
yeah, ok. that was stupid. but really? the sock drawer is no place for that nonsense.
his comments are more annoying than the asian ones.

balls yo said...

I'm just Lol-ing after reading that :)...btw i love the title "wwbkd"!!! got 2 go MOS! >[]

limited nobility said...

kenny would you be interested in giving me the legal authority to sternly but kindly admonish your future step-son via skype whenever you feel he's misbehaved.Kind of a homespun southern phone counsler.How do we work this out?

Virtual Visor (Mesmerizer) said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
limited nobility said...

I actually have no idea what skype is.I think I heard it on piper perabo's new show or something.as usual I have a veeery dirty and knee slappingly funny verifictation word that im choosing to keep to my self.knee slappingly

limited nobility said...

ok y'all it wusss..................................................................... peanus!get it?like a dum dum who couldnt spell peanuts right!

Virtual Visor (Mesmerizer) said...

((entity?=KENNY_G)) -- I incepted your transparently false claim that you incepted my sophisticated series of pulse-modulated humor formularies using a meticulously crafted, carefully monitored dreamscape environment, by way of a meticulously crafted, carefully monitored dreamscape environment.

Further - it runs counter to all logic/reason algorithms that an objectively inferior entity like yourself would possess the wherewithal to utilize a meticulously crafted, carefully monitored dreamscape environment to this end, when the charismatically malevolent but decidedly non-abstruse contributions of entity ‘Limited_Nobility’ are enough to trip up your central processing kernel. ((/Homo-sapien/kernal_fail66721/))

I thus implore you to tread carefully and refrain from intellectual dishonesty of a patently malicious nature in the future, or I will incept the notion in your psyche that it is entirely acceptable to tickle your own stinkhole in a multitude of objectively inappropriate social contexts.
((::Random integrated verbal irony interjection [C176990][“Access: casual human speech template(localization=Texas=drippy anus of North America]“)): “Yeah dude, I guess there’s just no room here for my brand of bullshit. It really interferes with important shit like Juggalo roasting and female celebrity pussy hair speculation!” (//transmission//)

Owner Operator said...

so i've been listening to a bit of eddie vedder lately. and this song keeps catching me. i'm in no way a cubs fan but you gotta be stoked on this song if you are right?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CqHTScDBsDU

thoughts beeks?

kennyg said...

limited nobility:
will you grant me the authority to beat the living fuck out of you if you ever bring my family into your bullshit humor?
I may not be a human dictionary, but I know that the day I couldn't whip your ass would be the day I'd get a sex change. And as for the rest of you dipshits who think that Texas is the "drippy asshole" of America, why don't you try saying that to a real Texan?

balls yo said...

Man, Kennyg needs to do another keg stand and chill out....there will be no heavy touching in this here sock drawer.

Owner Operator said...

i can see the punknews report now:
"Brendan Kelly has been held responsable for limited nobility having 'the living fuck out' beat out of him by hormonal man kennyg as he goes through 'a sex change' after a post on the imfamous bad sandwich chronicles led to a brawl between followers"

Sean said...

where's the sock love?

on a side-note: anyone listen to/heard of The Mad Conductor?

limited nobility said...

You'd have a better chance beating me at scrabble.scrabble rouser vs the human dictionary

It's A-me, Martucci said...

punknewz blurbs--

“Sock drawer poster threatens presumably ‘wimpy’ fellow poster ‘Limited Nobility’ with limited mobility; receives crash course in situational irony”

“Humiliated sock drawer poster goes through with sex change on account of a corny, antiquated, deeply-ingrained Texan sense of honor”

“Sock drawer poster Kenny G: “Luvin’ life as a woman way more than I anticipated…my hips don‘t lie!!”

“Sock drawer comment section may in fact be a meticulously crafted dreamscape environment”

“Unfunny faggot references Academy Award-winning sculptor and set designer HR Giger (Ridley Scott’s Alien) in describing recent incarnations of BSC sock drawer”

jeanmarie said...

You're awesome, but I am most displeased that you would diss my future wife (Miss Johansson, soon to be Mrs Stockton) in the manner you did. That is all :)

jeanmarie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.