One week and counting...

Well, it's monday. I'm home from the Nader nuptials and I've gotta say it was a pretty great time, BUT I'm a little disappointed that no one got super wasted and/or pulled out their cock/beaver or generally did anything too crazy. We did get to sit at the table with the DJ and wedding photographer, both of whom were fatties and both of whom hoarded/housed the family style dinner with the dignity and zeal of two recently rescued castaways, both sweating out a mayonnaisey substance all the while. That was pretty great. There was also an all black wedding in the adjoining banquet hall, so there were tons of all orange or all blue three piece suits cruising around, complete with matching derbys. It was cool. One thing I don't really understand though, if a white guy like myself wore an all blue or orange suit with a vest and tails and a matching blue or orange derby I'd look like willy wonka's chauffeur or at the very best, an off duty clown, but these guys looked awesome. Well, whatever. I'll settle for being able to hail a cab, I guess. Anyway, moving on...

Prior to leaving for the wedding, I met Chris over at his house, as he was giving me a ride, and out his window I saw the following: a large boned, wide hipped five tennish earth mother type and her skinny longhaired bespectacled pussyish male companion walking their snake outside. This shit's unacceptable folks. You're walking your snake? I mean, I get that the snake probably likes to get out and see the little strip of grass between your apartment building's sidewalk and the street I guess... Actually, no. You know what? That snake doesn't give two fucks if he's in his cage or if he's in that little strip of grass. Snakes are kind of slothlike in their ways and I'm fairly certain that sitting on a heated rock and eating pre-stoned crickets is fine for your snake, hippy lady. Don't walk your snake. If he REALLY wanted to be outside, if it really turned him on that much, he'd escape. He's a snake. that's what they do, right? Slither out of things and away, silently? That snake didn't give two shits. It just chilled while the skinny guy put him in some sort of tupperware bowl after their walk. Walking your snake...man. What's the world coming to, you know?

Untraditional pets are, as a rule kind of lame. A snake, as chris pointed out after we sat there, mouths agape, watching these dipshits walk their snake from chris's living room window, is an appropriate pet for exactly two types of people: muscly weirdos with lots of tattoos, spiky hair, black tank tops and reflective wrap around sunglasses and little kids. The former can get away with a boa constrictor or something just because he's got that kind of creepy dude vibe already and the snake just seals the deal and the latter get the snake so they can feed it mice, gross out girls and learn a little something about taking care of something that can die anytime and it's not a huge deal. I know, that sounds cruel and snakes are people too and all that good stuff, but you get my drift. I'm not condoning anything here, just saying that there's a precedent out there for kids having snakes. Same goes for hamsters and gerbils and guinnea pigs and other various cuddly rodents. Those are kid pets and if you have one, well, you should really be under fifteen and learning the truth about death. Although, they're fine. They're all acceptable pets if you're into that kind of thing.

Rats though? No way. That's just gross. Having a rat is like having a pet lobster or something. It's just such a gimmick. Rats are gross, man. Mice, maybe I can get behind that, but keeping a rat in your house on purpose is completely demented. It's like cutting your hair into a combover when you're not bald or hammering dents into your car. And you know what? The kinds of people that keep rats are also the kinds of people who 'wear' their rats out with them and keep them on their shoulders at all times to wig out the squares or whatever. It's a lot like walking your snake, actually. Oh, look at the subversive girl on the el with her rat on her shoulder just sitting there reading Fante. Cool. (fart sound).

Worse than the rat though is the ferret. Ferrets stink, they're gross, and as my friend Gen pointed out (after Chris and I relayed the snake story and the resulting conversation about weird pets broke out) they're covered in some kind of pheromonal goo that gets on everything and also stinks. AND they piss everywhere and they're just disgusting. I've been in a few people's rooms with ferrets and it's always the same deal: wether it's a friend of a friend or some girl that I was trying to make out with during highschool or while on tour staying in someone's living room, the story is always the same with the ferret: he's stinking up the place, the room he lives in is a complete fucking sty, covered in dirty clothes and pizza boxes, he's chewed through the box he lives in and gotten out, pissing on everything, chewing through an electrical wire and he's somewhere right now in the vents of the house.
Cool pet. When you have a ferret, you're announcing to the world that you live in your own filth and you're cool with it and you celebrate it by getting a little roomie that's even more vile than you. Then you lose him. Why does this always happen? Probably because ferrets suck and it's best if you just let it chew through the box and maybe die chewing through the lamp cord, or at the very least, get into the walls where it can kick it with the other rodents in your home.

If you want a good, honest pet that's disgusting, have a child. They do nothing but yell and shit and barf and stain things with their urine and once they're done with all that, it's just about a small six year window before they're actively telling you to fuck off, throwing parties and banging questionable people in your bed just to spite you. That's a pet folks! One that will (hopefully) someday wipe your ass and put you in a decent nursing home and one that will maybe say something nice at your funeral. Let's see your fucking snake or ferret do that shit, eh?

Oh, and turtles are salmonella hosts, didja know? And they smell.