Friday, August 13, 2010

And I never will forget the day we met...

Well, the dream is pretty much over. Just over two years ago I started this blog. I was new parent and I was just coming off being on a pretty fun tour cycle and I figured that I could write down my various clever and witty remarks here every day and it would presumably keep me interested in things and keep my brain sharp. I've posted here almost every weekday since I started. There's over five hundred pages worth of material on this mustard colored digi-scroll. A lot of it is repetitive and a lot of it is drivel, but it HAS in fact kept me interested in the world and it's kept me writing, which is important in terms of exercising a brain.

Of course, my brain has taken some major hits in the name of the science of blogging as well. I've spent hours, nay, months on websites like Perezhilton and such just in hopes of finding some bit of 'news' that was outrageous enough that it would send me into a mental tailspin so I'd have something to bitch about here. I've also let my kid watch vastly more TV than I'm comfortable with while I sit here and crank through these entries. He's currently watching some dumb show about spiders living in some field. It looks like cheap computer flash. BUT, he's not flushing magazines down the toilet and lord knows that the fifteen to forty five minutes I devote to this blog every day I've come to think of as a time that I don't want to be disturbed, so therefore if he'll sit still and watch this dumb show about dumb arachnids, so be it.

This will all have to change.

See, two major things have happened in the last few months: 1) another baby started living here and 2) my computer broke. To address number 2 first, it's fucked. The dude that examined it referred to it as a 'paperweight' but suggested i may be able to make a little money selling the screen which was 'still in pretty decent shape'. That's a problem, as you can imagine. I mean, that's how I get my genius onto the internet, man. It has to be strained through a computer or it won't stick.
Now, I've been scraping by using my wife's computer because she's been home on maternity leave but (to get to number 1) this is her last day and then she and her computer go back to work and I'm stuck here with these two little gremlins, no computer, no lactating breasts, no patience nor experience in hauling two kids around, no sleep, no relief, no sanity etc. It's gonna be (to borrow a phrase from one of the greatest mesh hats ever) nucking futs. AND, I'm having a hard time seeing a way to continue to regularly produce this, at least for a while.

There are options. I could wait until the evening when everyone's asleep and use my wife's computer when she brings it home. I could uh....wait, that's my only option. I could do this at night. That's an okay solution (I'd like to take a little time out here to talk about this last word: solution. Modern American corporate jargon has created this bold new way of talking that for some crazy reason no one seems to realize is completely retarded. The most common example of this that I see is the new substitute for solution. People talk about finding 'solves' instead of solutions nowadays. A solve is not a thing, folks. I get that it's an edgy new repackaging of your grandpa's dusty old desiccated verb as a dynamic and radical new noun, but uh...lame. That's what's going on out there? "We need a quick solve for this whole copyright issue in the Johnson account' is what they're saying in those iron and glass stalagmites down town. They're saying it in the mailrooms in hopes of sounding like the people who are saying it in the corner offices on the ninetieth floor. It's a lowdown dirty shame is what it is. Said it before and I'll say it again: hell in a handbasket!) but it kind of comes at the expense of the very tiny little ribbon of time that I get to spend relaxing with my wife and/or watching tv/reading/drinking a beer and generally decompressing, which coincidentally competes with the tiny little ribbon of time I get for sleep. My motivation is suffering as I type this. SO what's the solve here folks? I really don't know.

I've got to get a new computer, that's for sure. BUT, I don't really have any money. So that's an issue. I've also got to find the time to use it. Also an issue, one that could also be solved by money, of which I (not to belabor the point) have none. So, what to do? Who knows? I'm not saying that I'm gonna stop doing this thing. I'm not even suggesting that I'm planning on slowing down, I'm simply throwing out there that I don't, as of now, have ANY idea how I'm going to keep it up. BUT, it's like those shows with the kindly dad who loses his job as christmas is looming and when his kids say "daddy, what about christmas?" and he says "don't worry pumpkin. We'll make it work somehow" and then the kids go to sleep all happy and they dream of ponies and bikes and shit and the dad gets that worried look and the music starts and it goes to commercial...you follow me? That's how this will be. It'll work out, Dogs of War. BUT if you don't see me for a few days, that's why. I'm gonna be computerless and swamped with kids that just like to scream, shit, eat, and never ever sleep.

With that, I'm off. Last day of maternity leave means that I've still got a little time. Monday, I'm doomed, so I dunno. I'm gonna go get a beer and take a nap or something. Oh, and I just killed a two inch millipede. Pretty gross, God. Even for you.
xoxoxoxo

83 comments:

dustyfloors said...

Pumpkin is nervous...
However, if you keep whipping Busch Lights across the bar counter to me every Tuesday I figure I will have tipped you enough to afford a computer in 2012. But the worlds going to be over by then... boo.

Banana@1000MPH said...

Put on a benefit show, "The Brendan-Kelly-Needs-A-New-Computer Extravaganza!" It'll be just like when you did that show for those assault victims, people will praise you for being so nice.

Scott said...

there is a blogger app for iphone, blogpress lite works pretty well. If you still have one.

Bridgett said...

If, at Riot Fest, you sell shirts in fat people sizes (XL or XXL) I will definitely buy one. Put out a tip jar that says "Brendan needs a new computer" on it. I'll put a dollar in. You can get a laptop for 400 bucks now, right?

Johnny said...

Ok squids, rally time.

$179.99 + $5 shipping will get BK a killer netbook, perfectly suitable for brain-to-Word-Doc diarrhea, and SOME porn... this mofo is portable, so he can continue to write gems from wherever the wifi allows (in this context, 'wifi' means wireless internet, not some ebonics term for 'wife'). I'll throw down the first $40.

Stay tuned. All will be fine... I'm going build out a donation page, gimmie a second... I'm half human, half web-programming robit, half horse-alligator.


p.s. While we are totally capable of securing BK a new compute-machine... we cannot however warp space-time and create him more minutes in the day. This will be up to him... and by that I mean his babies.

Rob said...

Johnny, if you weren't already building a donation page, I would suggest a Kickstarter project would be the perfect means of raising some capital.

Curt said...

Just go ask the record label for a computer. duh.

Steve said...

Sorrow is brought forth this day

mad_adam said...

Sell your jizz. Simple as that. That shit's gotta be going for like $5k for a mason jar. You get to jerk off, you get paid and some lucky rug muncher gets to bear your seed. Win-Win-Win. I'll send you schlong pics to get you in the mood... or convince my old lady for giner shots. It's your call really. How's that for a solve? ¡Viva la BSC!

Gregory said...

I'll throw in a few buck-ola's for a new computer. set up a paypal or some shit and see what happens!

Jayzilla said...

we can never break up

Moore Sketches! said...

there's gotta be some website that would pay to have your writing on it... i have no idea how to go about doing anything like that, but c'mon... you are an idea man! and people love ideas!!!

also... some publishing company needs to gather up these 500 pages and release a Bad Sandwich collection that i can hold in my hands.

Red Bandana said...

What am I going to do at work when things get slow now? Curse you world! Curse you!!

Eric said...

I also would donate via paypal. or I have a pretty decent desktop I would just give you dude.

Moxie. said...

Prostitution. Problem solved!

You're welcome.

Toto said...

i never ever bought anything online or donated(nobody in Argentina does), don't even know how you are supposed to do that anyway, but i've got a friend who's got a paypal account because he buys stuff on Ebay or something like that,so he can donate for me.
so yeah, count me in if you are raising money for a new computer.

Long live BSC.

Candice said...

don't leave me.


netbooks are like 250 or so.


let's do a fundraiser. something. anything.

Eric said...

http://www.woot.com/

todays is a netbook

Johnny said...

We're $40 there..... who's in?

http://www.worriedmandesigns.com/bscomputerlab/

Let's do this. We're working towards today's WOOT item... perfect for a mobile BSC editing situation.

Johnny

Candice said...

i think i'm gonna buy one of those babies for myself.

Candice said...

johnny- nice work!

Eric said...

great work Johnny

Eric said...

also beex, I will babysit sometimes so you have more time for leisure. Ive got two of them things too and they have survived so far to ages 5 and 8

word verification

dadess

Candice said...

i also offer my babysitting services from august 28th-october 31st.

Johnny said...

THE BAD SANDWICH COMPUTER LAB FUND

has been set up.

http://www.worriedmandesigns.com/bscomputerlab/

Keep in mind, $5 adds up fast you guys. If everyone who posted here chipped in $5 or $10... BK will have a brand new net-book from which to post/write/whack/rant.

Verif code: Bueller?

Candice said...

if we don't reach the target would i get my money back?

Drunken Acorn said...

I just left $10 for ya BK, Keep the Bad Sandwiches coming. Way to go Johnny for setting that up.

Johnny said...

Of course! However, I'm confident we'll reach our goal...

We can leave the page up until there's enough scratch for a net-book.... or we can just refund everyone (but that would be a total give-up-on-a-dream bummer refund). Like refunding cancer-research money because we just don't believe there will ever be a cure.

Word Verif: BELIEVE!

balls yo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
balls yo said...

good work Johnny! Brendan, here we come to save the day!

balls yo said...

We are gonna get this problem a SOLVE right quik.

Johnny said...

I built that progress-indicator into it so that everyone can actually WATCH the funds/donations surmount. We can monitor exactly how many & how much $$/donations are being stacked towards the solution of BKs computer woes.

I swear on my nuts, and on my honor (in that order) that I'm doing this for the primary goal of maintaining/prologing one of the richest and well-read missives that the entire internet has to offer: the Bad Sandwich Chronicles.

Word em up.

Brittany Strummer said...

I hope you figure something out soon because I love to read your blog whilst pooping.

Johnny said...

We'z getting there folks.

Spread the word! ... we're 40% in!

That's like, almost half-a-dong... Imagine it like sex: once 40% is in... the rest is pretty much a given.

Amirite?

James said...

I have donated some pretzel monies. I am also overwhelmed by all this altruism.

Candice said...

ooh we're getting there! 51%!

cmx said...

I just saw a car with a giant icp decal(not all that rare) AND a I heart my pet ferret bumper sticker.

Robb said...

"Cera is devolving...He looks weirder and more alien-y than ever and it sounds like he has regressed into a pre-pubescent state where his balls have literally risen into his insides and his voice makes Minnie Mouse sound like Mickey Rourke"

--hilarious random AV Club comment re: Michael Cera/Scott Pilgrim that I happen to agree with.
Hope you get your puter.

Buddy said...

Good job JohnnyCakes!!! consider the goal a few steps closer to being met...

balls yo said...

91% fools...$15 left...who's gonna be the hero who pays it off!?

i feel like a pussy, there was only $35 left and I put 20 down...

Owen said...

Wayhay - well done kids! Just went to drop a few dollars in the collection bowl but alas, already full!

Robb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Robb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Johnny said...

Well, finally, some hard work (read: staring at a computer screen with my shirt off drinking a tallboy in a van in Nebraska, blacking out, and waking up in Denver) paid off! We made it... but now WOOT (yesterday was a computer) has changed our coveted prize to a pool-cleaner.

I found the same model though, on a diff site:

http://is.gd/ehxBt


We're badass ya'll, badass.

Lemmie see if these guys are gonna ass-gouge me on shipping... stay tuned. If they do... don't fret... I'm hungover, so it won't hurt that much.

J

Robb said...

How does this woot bullshit work dawg? I made a drunken payment toward a netbook not a pool thinger! 'Hot items' you just have to "reach out n grab" in a totally clandestine way n whatnot lol. Wtf have I done? Did I just assist in a european contract killing

Johnny said...

The site Woot is one deal per day.... yesterday's deal expired at midnight, so we missed it. No biggie... because the same computer is for sale (same price) on a different site (per my comment above). I'll cover the shipping costs b/c they will certainly exceed the $5 ship-deal from yesterday.

Can someone get me an address to ship to? BK, hit me up for your new computer dawg.

I can ship it to Risque, but I'd rather Brendan dictate where the shipment arrives.


Holla - Johnny

........ worriedman1 (at) gmail (dot) com

markus-karlsson said...

YO

My band Goodbye Larry (from the awsome country sweden)played
boatless booze crusie on last night
check it out! we kinda fucked up(:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5DmgAdSQv_Y

come to sweden and make a great show with us...or without...

thanks for all the great music!

peace out!

Keri said...

BK, i'm not trying to knock you here. but there's something i gotta say.

it's pretty ridiculous that people are actually setting up a donation page and offering to donate money for brendan to get a new computer. he has a job, his wife has a job. they live a sustainable life. it's not as if brendan is scraping for change, begging for help to feed his children. there are people out there that are. parents with small children, children without parents. i understand that people are entertained by this blog, but i mean, really? that five dollars or whatever could make a substantial difference in the life of people that live in poverty. donate it to a community services center, a homeless shelter, a domestic violence shelter. don't give it to somebody that is comparatively rich.

uh, sorry brendan. i'm really not trying to be a dick to you. but i mean, am i the only one that sees the absurdity in this?

Candice said...

i can see your point, keri. i can't speak for anyone else, but i have donated to two different charities this month alone.

i have read every single blog post since day one. and this blog indirectly led me to my wonderful boyfriend. plus, i can't even imagine how much it would cost me if i substituted this form of entertainment for something else like movies or bar nights so i don't have an issue throwing in a few bucks, even knowing brendan is employed.

plus i have had a major boner for the guy for years so there's that too.

laurabm said...

Very interesting turn of events here. Its absurd to pay for a computer but its entertaining and people will throw down some dollars for it. Two sides of a coin you know. Like how BK equally loves and hates us punishers. Both sides man!

Johnny said...

@keri : Toning down the combative vibe, its more of a surprise gift to a pal. If my buddy needed a car, and I had a spare car, I'd give him the car.... I don't care how hungry the family is in Tucson. Its my buddy. Also, if this blog had a monthly fee, I'd happily pay a year-in-advance. I too have devoured every single word since "Hello Blogosphere!".

If you don't feel like chipping in.... don't chip in. Lots of people took that route. But please don't tell us what to do with the money we earned with our own jobs. That's like telling me not to put my kid on a leash.

Keri said...

i'm not telling people what to do with your money, i'm merely pointing out how ridiculous i think it is. i know you're trying to explain it to me, and maybe i'm ignorant, maybe i'm just a social worker but i just can't wrap my head around it is all.

have any of you even talked to brendan personally to see if he even wants you guys to buy him a new computer?

Banana@1000MPH said...

As I read these comments, I had to agree with Keri. However, Candice pointed out it is kind of like paying to go to the movies. Even if this is free entertainment, I can kind of see how it makes sense to be willing to pay for it because most people wouldn't go to a movie theater and tell everyone to stop paying for movies and go give their money to the homeless (although that'd be a nicer thing to do). This also translate to buying BK's albums: sure, it'd be nicer to give the 10 bucks to cancer research, but it is socially acceptable for people to buy albums instead (well, except for current times when it is only socially acceptable to download the album illegally for free and then spend your money on shitty food that is killing you).

Virtual Visor (Mesmerizer) said...

Keri - Despite initial inclinations to the contrary, I incepted the attitude of openness toward a no-frills, entry-level 10" fan-funded netbook within Brendan's mind using a meticulously crafted, carefully monitered dreamscape environment. To provide tension-aleving laughter for other readers over this controversial matter, I also incepted both the poorly rationalized idea that paying for a non-commodity such as a computer is absurd, and the desire to express such publicly, in the mind of laurabm, also using a meticulously crafted, carefully monitered dreamscape environment. Your altruism for third world inhabitants is due solely to an attitude I incepted in your psyche at the impressionable age of 12.

ian. said...

good luck sir.

balls yo said...

Keri,

Good point! In your profile pic you are wearing 2 shirts...I only wear one shirt because I sold the other one to a time traveler to go back to 1995 when I was one of 8 homeless kids in my family to buy me a sandwich.

and instead of wasting time in the comments section of a blog we should all be writing letters to poor blind folks in other countries who can't afford paper or books. But here we are...wasting the opportunity to save lives by having a comment section discussion.

it's all perspective they say...

Toto said...

hey i came here to check what was up with the netbook and to make my donation and you guys already bought it, that was fast!! nice job.

and Keri,i get your point but i disagree completely.we are just trying to do something nice for a nice guy, simple as that.there's nothing wrong with that.

just like when i play with my shitty band we ask for food donations and give that to the local homeless, but when i had a spare guitar amp i didn't sell it and gave it to the homeless too, i just gave it to one of my friends for free because he is a good friend.

shit, fuck languages, i can't explain my point properly.

Kevin Burnett said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kevin Burnett said...

I threw in ten bucks. This blog increases my quality of life. Thanks for it, man.

Sickie27 said...

If you had two wives it'd help you a lot. One needs to be pretty and productive (your current one) and one needs to be too young and a child-watcher while you blog (me). It works out.

Beex and Keeks forever, and I mean this in the most non-creepy/Candice way ever.

Moxie. said...

I also think this is a bit absurd, but it's nice to see people rally for a cause. Far be it from me to judge people for the direction of their altruistic urges. Well... unless their idea of altruism is kidnapping children and locking them in a basement

Bradley said...

I think it's really awesome that the money got raised so fast. By the time I found out the goal was already met. I really hope this blog doesn't have to end anytime soon. It's really cool to be able to read the thoughts of someone like BK who you've been a fan of for years anyway.

Johnny said...

Airbody chill. Friends give gifts to friends. Period.

If I don't get an email/address by tomorrow evening, I'll just have it sent to Risque cafe, c/o BK.

Wordemup.

Jerky said...

Come on Keri. Do you never pay for your entertainment? I've spent tons of money on movie theaters, books, CD's, concerts - yet not a penny for one of my absolute favourite writers. See it as a payment for all the work BK put in there, not as a donation (I mean this page has even been ad free most of the time) I would have been happy to chip in, really, but the thing was already paid...

Candice said...

This will come as a surprise to no one but I have his address if you need it. I swear he gave it to me.

Owner Operator said...

"iron and glass stalagmites"

brilliant! just brilliant!!!

i havent read all the comments yet but maybe we could take up a collection to get beeks a new computer... it's the least we could do... a laptop is only gunna cost us all 2 bucks each...

Owner Operator said...

wow. just wow. good work guys.
has the lappy been sent?

Tom said...

Well I was going to suggest us all buying 5 copies of Buttsweat and Tears each but that was probably better. 10% of the cash would have just gone to fund Fat Mike's coke habit anyway.

Nick said...

You just may be the first person to have blogged their way to a netbook.

Some Young Guy said...

hey, owner, what a great idea! we could all chip in to buy brendan a new computer! once again, great idea, owner!

Owner Operator said...

thanks some young guy. maybe i should have read all the comments before i posted. my bad. i'm sorry for maknig an error. i wish i was awesome like you. but i'm not. my bad.

boringdan said...

Owner, are we still snowboarding this winter?

Eric said...

Im pretty sure beex wasnt asking us to fund raise a netbook for him. He was just forewarning us that the posts might be fewer and more far between. The efforts of the sock drawer were solely based on our own decision to try to show our appreciation. IMO

great job guys.

limited nobility said...

hehe....

james bliss said...

Keri,

The problem with having any ethical impulse at all, and being on the internet at the same time, is that you become the immediate target of people whose only principle is that they cannot be held accountable for anything they do, ever.

It's really surprising how much folks'll do for a blog/tv show/other form of entertainment compared to how little they'll do for anything else.

Super Slim said...

Short video at the recent Gathering of the Juggalos.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mlbsqgj_NEk&feature=player_embedded

Robb said...

Ethical impulses lmao. I'd imagine the majority here have 'ethical impulses' of varying degrees, even if they don't feel compelled to expulse them in a sanctimonious way on world wide net, in a forum largely relegated to..jizzum jokes. I love how if you sling $5 (cuz I can AFFORD to sling dat $5, cuz I'm fuckin RICH, cuuuuuuuz!) towards a netbook for a funny man, that's then in turn somehow arbitrarily determined by some designated internet know it all(s) (read: know-nothing) to be the sole extent of the altruzizm/$ contributions made in your lifetime. That's magical

balls yo said...

james,

you sound too intelligent for me to have an intelligent conversation with about this. But you should go on a date with Keri, you guys can have the kind of kids I grew up around that called the cops on me for skateboarding and later became vegetarians and talked shit to me for eating meat when I was eating probly one of 2 meals that day (thank jesus for free lunch tickets).
eat a dick holmes.

p.s. internet fighting is gay. i am now gay, lets fuck.

balls yo said...

...and James, the 20 i threw in for my entertainment...is a small percent of what I do for my community now.

phew, glad i proved that point, and validated my own self...in a comment section....of a blog...that is based around..."jizzum" (see Robb's 70-something quote). - just wanted to source that correctly.

Robb said...

Still the opposing viewpoint isn't lost on me; I should probably start utilizing my $ in more productive ways than scouring ebay for limited edition pogs ....POGS! POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-- Who hasnt heard that word since 94? Wait it's probably one of those things that's already ironically resurged in a huuuuge subculture of enthusiasts emanating from Portland huh? Goddamnit

Moxie. said...

It seems this thread has taken a turn for the condescending... fabulous

Johnny said...

Bang.

Let us end the bickering. Be nice to each other.

.... SUCCESS AND SHIT ....



-Johnny

Candice said...

johnny! we want you as a member in the splinter cell sock drawer.

join us:

www.thesockdrawer.org