Tuesday, October 19, 2010

bad day...

Man, right now I’m sitting in my car outside my gym waiting for the 10am free parking to start. I just went to the bank and closed my account. I’m so pissed off at this very moment. I’ve had the same bank account for my entire adult life and though it’s been kind of a pain in the dick watching the bank get bought and sold and constantly having to get new cards and all that, I’ve never really had much of a problem with them until this week.
Yesterday I was in a bar and I went to get a twenty out of the ATM only to be told that I had insufficient funds. Now, that seemed crazy to me, as I was pretty sure that I had more than 20 bucks in my account. Anyway, I went home and checked my balance online and what do you know? My bank (Chase) charged me almost two grand in fees to print my fucking account records out; records I needed because the IRS requested them. TWO GRAND!!!! Fuck, man, I’m not made of money (to borrow a grandfatherly expression). This was, and remains, a huge, gigantic kick in the dick.

I mean, what the fuck is that? They printed out paper with records that I actually employed them to keep track of, probably a hundred sheets of it and it costs that much? Jesus, that’s like when the government buys hammers for six grand or when you get charged nine hundred bucks for a wimpy, half hearted handjob in the champagne room. I don’t know. It’s straight up highway robbery screwjob city and I’m so pissed I could fucking eat glass. Or cry. Or maybe both.

I went into my branch and I explained to them that I was closing my account and the banker said, “okay” and closed me out. No questions about my satisfaction or lack thereof, no attempts to try to get me (a customer for over fifteen years) to stay on. No offers to look into seeing what they could do or anything like that. I told them I was furious about the fees and the response was, in essence, “yeah, that really sucks.”

There are few things on this earth more absolutely enraging than being rendered impotent by gigantic faceless monolithic entities. These bankers, they seemed nice enough, but the bank has it set up so there’s just no way that they can do anything to help you. It’s the same reason that you can’t get someone on the phone and when you finally do it’s some guy in Bangalore that doesn’t give two shits about your bank fees or your bounced checks or whatever. They have no interest in helping you. Banking customers are nothing but a pain in the ass. We give banks money and they weasel it from us slowly (or in my case, quickly). That’s the thing. Did you ever consider that if all banks did was hold your money and give you interest, they’d be a money losing endeavor? I mean, yeah, there’s all that low risk investing that they do and they’re moving big piles of money around into different international currencies and all that, but don’t be naïve. They’re out there to take your money. Fuck. If I just kept my money in my mattress along side my rifle I wouldn’t have any of these problems, man. Again, fuck!

I don’t really know what to do. I guess there’s nothing TO do. I ordered the shit (because I had to) they charged me five bucks a page (because that’s their policy and they can) and now the money is gone, I’m fucked and my wife is pissed at me because I pissed away a bunch of money for, quite literally, nothing.

Yeah, the whole fucking thing stinks to high heaven. I hate Chase quite a bit right now, and I’m not too happy with the IRS either, honestly. But, well, things are looking up at least, because you know what I get to do next? I get to take my baby to the clinic to get her some vaccines! This is seriously the best day of my life, folks! God damn it.

Ugh.

30 comments:

dustyfloors said...

That does suck.
I spilled coffee on myself walking into work this morning and am all stinky/sticky/burned up now. Not that this compares in any way to the loss of a considerable sum of cash or having to witness your baby prodded and poked to her discomfort...

I just share your hatred for today.

Scott said...

that sucks man, at least you had the money to cover it or those bastards would have charged you overdraft fees too. That has happened to me many times with my bank, I have the $$ to pay my bills, then they process something late and hit me with a fee that then kills the balance.

Dan said...

Pretty shitty dude. I feel ya on that one. Kinda nervous myself because Im about to go in to Chase this morning and do pretty much the exact same thing. But now I can make sure to ask questions to make sure I dont get screwed as well. Sorry about your kid too man. That shit is torture to witness.

10-4 said...

Not that this helps that much, but I'm sure you could write those expenses off on your taxes.

Nora said...

don't know if this will make you feel any better, but i'm sad and distressed over money right now ass well, just came to school to try and get some kind of help/loan/extension/anything and everyone here seemingly could not give two shits about any of my issues. i am basically fucked sideways for life, but reading this post and knowing that i was not alone in these financial woes was definitely comforting! the shitty times will pass, they always do. all you (and i) need is some creative problem solving!

Candice said...

i had the worst weekend of my life and there are no signs of anything getting better any time soon.

let's get drunk!

Nick said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGHnYD2y-44

This should cheer you all up or something.

Sean said...

fuckkkk I just openned up a Chase account... they're literally the ONLY ATM's around U of I that don't hit me with those bs "service charges"

Fuck.

And as if the solemn, all-black brick building, crappy ikea-furnished interior, and terrible staff (that use the phrase "bro" all-too-liberally) weren't enough for me to feel uneasy about...

Something about em just feels shady... I dunno... I check my balance quite regularly to make sure they're not screwing me over (like Harris used to)...

Blake said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hjqy2lJ5yoU

FranklinStein said...

Hey man, chin up!

Oh wait...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbS9jZOlQjc

Ian Farmer said...

Look at the bright side, you and Mojo Nixon have something in common now.

Brittany Strummer said...
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Brittany Strummer said...

This scares me since I've been so stoked and proud of myself for successfully tucking away a good portion of my paycheck in my savings for school. I would die of dehydration from crying if that happened to me but then again I don't bank with Chase...

Shitty situation, bro.

chupacabrando said...

my best friend racked up a four thousand dollar credit card bill from chase bank and ran from the man the two years following. they sicked the dogs of independent calling agencies on his ass so that he was getting forty of fifty calls from random numbers per day. he also ruined his credit.

here's the kicker: after two years, they gave up! how valuable is your credit really.

Hanan said...

dang.

Jamie said...

I literally DO cash my paychecks at supermarkets and keep money under my mattress and pay everything in money orders. Paying bills/back student loans is kind of a pain but after getting fucked by bank after bank, I'm done. And if my money burns up in a fire or someone steals it from my mattress, at least it wasn't taken electronically by the man. I'm willing to take the risk.

Getting fucked by the bank is one of the worst feelings in the world. After having experienced both, I'd rather be mugged. Seriously.

BEEXtrix Potter said...

Has anyone seen this yet? The co-owner of my half-sister's radish farm (and good friend) showed it to us the other day and we had quite the laugh! I'm generally not quick to titter, but this really hit the mark!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHmvkRoEowc

toaster_oven said...

Dont American banks have digital records? Surely it would be a lot easier for you, the bank and the IRS if this were the case.

Owner Operator said...

you need to call a chat show or a current afairs show or something (i'm from australia so today tonight would be a good start) and get them to put your story up... 2grand for 100 pages of paper that they printed off their records... it's not like they have to go get hte files outa the cabinet out the back and sort through this and that etc. it's all on computers. that chat/other shit show would prolly pay you 2000 bucks for your story... and you get to call chase out on thier bullshit on a crappy tv show.

matthew-palmer said...

In America...bank robs you!

Sean said...

Yo,

You said their policy was $5 a page or some bullshit like that?

$2000/100 pages (or so) ≠ $5


I think they ripped you off, dude. You should... uh... report them to the IRS? heh.

Sean said...

(not like $5 a page isn't fucking criminal, already...)

clapyouphillistines said...

I opened an account with Chase yesterday. Whoops. Sorry for your loss.

Brett Story said...

I'm going to college on loans for four years to get an English degree. It's safe to say, I've fucked myself.

Swamp said...

Hi Brendan,
Sorry to hear about your bad day. Some friends and I were having a discussion and we figured you would probably have the answer. Is the term rug muncher applicable to men and women, and if not what is the male equivalent? So far all we've come up with is "swamp turtle," but it doesn't seem to have the right ring to it. Thank you for your time.

Y'allAreBrutalizinMeEe! said...

Hey clap - evin I know 'philistines' has only wun L. You fucking idiot. I think their may also be a tinj of iruny there but ain fer shur

Buddy said...

maybe there are some consumer protection laws that could help?

Bridgett said...

I worked at a bank for 3 years. They'll do anything they can to earn money that they don't have to do anything for. Example: 50 cents per notary stamp. We weren't required to charge it, but 50 cents is the maximum by law that can be charged, so that's what we did. I went to my bank a few weeks ago (not Chase) and asked for a cashier's check to pay the security deposit on my new apartment. She asked how much it was for, handed me a withdrawal slip, I did what I needed to and gave it back. She then informs me that it is 9 dollars to have one of these made. Nine bucks for them to take money out of my account and put it in the form of a paper check. Yet a money order, a much less secure and easier to tamper with, is only 3 dollars.

I'm with 10-4. You can probably write that shit off. If I can write off an ill-fitting blue shirt with my company's logo on it, you should be able to write off bullshit bank 'labor' charges.

Good Governor said...
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HMHM said...

I got scammed out of a little over $2000 in august. My girlfriend was also pissed. It is a helpless horrible feeling.