Friday, October 15, 2010

the mystery of the medallion

The other day I saw this guy sitting at a bar just kind of kicking it and I knew instantly, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that he was single. Know how I knew? He was wearing a medallion. There’s not a woman on earth who would let their man just walk around in a medallion. That goes for thumb rings and most other jewelry as well. It’s just gross. Now, I know what you’re thinking: this is a completely homo-ignorant point of view, as this dude could be gay and maybe he’s in a caring, stable gay relationship with another gay guy who likes medallions. Ever think of that, smartguy?

Well, I will say that I know these two gay dudes who both constantly strive to wear the absolute worst shoes I’ve ever seen. If I see the one playing pool wearing slip on leather clogs, it’s a safe bet that around the corner, his partner is wearing faux-gold encrusted, bejeweled reeboks, so I’m not gonna just use the fallacy of “gay dudes just dress better than straight dudes” to dismiss this possibility regarding our be-medallioned subject, but I wll say that this dude wasn’t gay.

He was kind of longhaired, unshaven and creepy in a tank top and a medallion. He looked like he was probably wearing strappy leather sandals and had a backpack at his feet. If I had to guess, I’d say he was drinking a Stella and I bet he’s got some pretty serious ideas about ‘freedom’ and ‘living’ and if all this still makes him sound gay, well…yeah, it does, but trust me, this dude looked more like the kind of guy that celebrates his 35th birthday by going to Padre Island and picking up three nineteen year old girls and banging them all in a hotel room after getting them drunk on Goldschlager. He wasn’t gay. Gotta trust me.

So we’re back to his medallion, and you know what? After reading the last sentence of the last paragraph, maybe I should get a medallion…I mean, if that’s your life and you like your medallion, fuck. Go for it, I guess. There’s nothing really wrong with banging a whole gaggle of college girls, is there? Well, I guess if they’re truly 18, you’re kind of treading on thin moral ice by giving them alcohol and then boning them (not that it’s really as immoral as it sounds. I mean, girls on spring break in Padre that are talking to a 35 year old man for long enough to end up drinking his goldschlager have already decided to make some bad decisions. They’re presumably down there to get drunk and get laid and really, truly, if you’re not uh, you know, taking pictures of them passed out or anything weird like that, then you, dude with medallion and goldschlager, are no worse than anyone else down there trying to get laid. I mean, the bar is already almost mind-blowingly low, morality wise, and you’ve got the handicap of being old and creepy, so you’ve probably gotta work extra hard at being UN creepy…I dunno, we’re getting into some pretty AP morality here. Let’s move on, shall we?) but essentially, you’re just kind of utilizing your aforementioned ‘freedom’ and ‘livin’ the best you know how, right bro?
Right-o.

So, remember that show where the perverted dungeon master and his dork troll sidekicks got a bunch of losers laid all by casting them in a completely scripted reality TV contest? Uh, what was it called…Oh, “The Pick Up Artist.” The main guy was named “Mystery” and his sidekicks were named uh…matador and Jbone or Jdog or Tbone or something. They espoused the use of medallions as a powerful weapon on the road to pussy domination, and I’ve gotta say as a single guy I wore my share of medallions and I think a lot more women approached me, and often, were there nothing else to talk about, they’d maybe grab my medallion and say “what’s this?” and I’d probably say something awesome like “it’s a sun” or “it’s a pen disguised as a teddy bear” (depending on which medallion I was wearing) and boom! Conversation started…road to vagina, paved, or at least under construction (like, being constructed, not blocked and restricted by lane closures and workers…sigh. Modern municipal bullshit is getting my metaphors all gunky.). Maybe Mystery and Tbone and that pervert with the Stella from the other day were onto something. Maybe medallions really ARE the way to go.

Actually, now that I think about it, so many of the things I used to dangle off my body in order to define myself have been thoroughly pooh-poohed by my wife and her friends, wacky haircuts, jewelry, goofy clothes that I like that she doesn’t, shit of that nature…you know what I’m talking about, right dudes? You have a buddy (or maybe it was you) that used to be real eccentric with his rings and his goofy bullshit and then he (you) got a girlfriend and she and all her friends, after a while, mind you, started laughing at his haircut and his rings and his medallion and his chain around his neck and his big fuzzy hat and his weird boots and all that and eventually turned him into this regular, dignified guy that no longer stands out in a crowd and therefore is presumably much more high status and high quality. They perhaps point to films starring Brad Pitt/Jake Gyllenhaal/whoever and point out that he’s not wearing any jewelry and everyone wants to fuck him, so see! SEE!!!! The REAL studs don’t waste time with that shit. You’re really just dressing yourself like a clown. Get some dignity!

BUT, there’s maybe a dark side to this that I’m just beginning to pick up on as I type this. When these women met your buddy, they were attracted to his dreads and his oversized juggalo hockey jersey (not really these two totally reprehensible things, just trying to squeeze in a little levity, bro. Let’s say: beaded necklace and goofy hat) and it was only after they sunk their teeth into him that they decided that these things had to go. I’d liken this to dudes who meet chicks when they’re dressed all hot and then decide that they can’t wear miniskirts anymore, because now they’re off the market. Is the medallion and the thumb ring ACTUALLY the sensual equivalent of the miniskirt? Have the women been lying to me?

WELLLL, I don’t think it’s that simple. I think there are other forces at play here. Perhaps there is the notion, somewhere in there that these are items that can be used as “mating plumage” (for lack of a better phrase…I don’t like it any more than you) and thereby sabotage the relationship at hand by drawing in competing hoes, but I think the big thing here is more internal in the catty female community.

Women dress sexy, first and foremost for other women. Don’t believe me? Consider this: if a woman in sweatpants wanted to fuck you, would the fact that she was in sweatpants slow you down, even for a moment? No. That’s the thing: women don’t NEED to dress sexy for dudes. It’s nice, and it sends quite a message, but I’ve heard time and time again that women dress specifically for other women. The same can be said for how they dress (or influence) their man.

By dressing me in a dapper casual outfit with a dignified haircut and a tie, my wife is showing me off to her friends (enemies?, coworkers?) as the closest approximation of the aforementioned ‘leading man’ that we talked about above. I’ve already been vouched for ie I’ve got a woman and friends, so there’s no need to present some gaudy display. Much like the way that all sorts of people want to fuck Brad Pitt’s simply elegant character in whatever dumb movie he’s in because he’s BRAD PITT and brings a certain cache to the role, I’m doing my best version by being (at least in dress) quiet and understated, yet sophisticated. I’m not creepy (see as example: my relationship with actual human woman. I’m not a perv. See: no rings. I’m obviously understated and awesome at something because I’m not trouncing around like some loudmouth trying to attract attention, and I’ve already landed a woman and some sweet duds. This is evidence [kind of, perhaps] that though I don’t flaunt it, I got it) This makes people take notice, is the theory. But here’s the part that is maybe getting lost in all this:

The ladies out there, they may want to fuck the sophisticated Brad Pitt character, and they DEFINITELY want to take him to cocktail parties and on family vacations and have him pick them up from girls night and shit like that. They want “him” because he’s a cultural symbol (by “he” I’m referring to the dapper, handsome, understated dude that some women hope to turn men into) but you know who they really, really truly want to fuck and get their panties ripped off by?

Captain Jack Sparrow, with his wacky three cornered hat and his rings and his boots and his necklaces and his gold teef and his scarves and plumage and all that shit. Sure, they don’t want to bring him around, but trust me, he makes their knees buckly more than any dipshit in a matching vest and slacks ever could.

So, dudes, Sean Nader, I’m talking to you here! Maybe, after some deliberation, I was wrong. Put those rings and medallions back on and get out there and live. And ladies! Wear more miniskirts and shirts that mash your tits together. It’s the least you can do for equality.

See you all at Nomeansno tonight!

33 comments:

jackson said...

Touche', guess i gotta go out and buys some medallions and goofy shit and put your theory to the test bk, god knows just being me doesnt pull the ladies in, atleast Not the sane seeming ones. Wish me luck, time to dress up like its halloween everynight.

Jesus said...

Dear Beex,
A little while ago when I was laughing my fool ass off at this article on Cracked, I remembered a BSC post about douchebags and Tapout shirts. I also remember the confusion, so perhaps this might help. It actually won't, but it's funny as fuck and a good introduction to MMA for you.

http://www.cracked.com/blog/worst-life-ever-the-story-of-kazuyuki-fujitas-skull/

FranklinStein said...

I tried reading the Mystery Method at the suggestion of my roommate but couldn't get over the fact of how much of a complete douche Mystery is and how much of a douche I would have to become. I'll stick to my tried and true method of "so, uh, you from out of town, errr?????" Works 2 percent of the time, every time.

It's A-me, Martucci said...

Jesus you've quite clearly worn your share of tapout shirts, so, ya know.

Seagull Steve said...

BK - not mating plumage, BREEDING plumage.

kylewagoner said...

Nice twist there in the end. Sounds crazy until you really analyze it, I guess. I'll stick with flannels, though.

Gregory said...

i saw NOMEANSNO last night in st. louis and holy crap! body bag, all lies, it's catching up, valley of the blind, mondonihilisimo, etc. anyway, awesome show. incredible band. probably the raddest band on earth besides propagandhi. OH! and the lawrence arms. errr...enjoy the fucking show.

Jesus said...

@Martucci-There's nothing wrong with wearing a shirt that makes you look, feel and hell even smell like a total douche/grade A asshat once in awhile. You've just got to know it.

ericaaaa frrrrraaanke said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
It's A-me, Martucci said...

@Jesus - For context, you must understand my claims are not baseless - I'm a bsc OG and have been around long enough to remember: (a)your old picture consisting of a cheesy gold necklace worn OVER an against me! shirt, a thumbs up gesture, and an earnest facial expression - as though Vito from Do The Right Thing had found an AM! shirt sent from the future in the broom closet of Sal's Pizzeria - and (b)the original title of your blog - "Lusting For Alpha Male". LUSTING. FOR. ALPHA. MALE. How you somehow managed to allude daily mockery on here remains one of internet's most haunting mysteries. ...can't make this shit up, folks. I swear. to. god.

Brendan Kelly said...

elude bro. Elude.

It's A-me, Martucci said...

Oh hai brendan. Want some of this pizza? Yea yea elude, but i mean, jesus. Get it??

Jesus said...

I'm flattered you've taken such an interest in me Martucci- a long memory and clearly some creeping has done you well.

It's A-me, Martucci said...

Cmon daawg, don't pull that intellectual dishonesty where you pretend it's "sooper creepy and unheard of" to pick up on hilarious things about peeps that frequent the same forum as you. I mean, you posted frequently, with that pic, and had a blog with that name. I couldn't get it out of my head if I tried, unfortunately

Jesus said...

Wish I could do the same for you homeboy, you haven't given anyone any ammunition to even have a chance "to pick up on hilarious things" about yoself.

Considering you must have this rigged to email you the second someone comments and respond immediately, annnd the fact you're just sitting around waiting for it I'll make my own conclusions. Cool?

It's A-me, Martucci said...

Can you even rig blogger comments to email? Nah it's just that like you, I happen to be sitting around like a loser early on a saturday evenin. But yea since I unearthed what was clearly a big skeleton in your closet, heres some atonement:
When I was four I took a big shit in the driveway. It was december, and I tried to blame it on a reindeer. Pop didn't buy it! Lots of spankings. Embarrassing as fuck!! I thought about starting a blog, "lusting for reindeer poops", where I just recall the anecdote over and over, but I'm way too busy and shit.

Jesus said...

Woah woah, don't go trying to throw me in the loser category again with you. Just because I'm at school and in between questions this happens to be a good procrastination doesn't make me even more of a douche, does it? And really, who puts skeletons on the internet? If I thought it was really personal or important, nobody has to know about it. I posted all that dumb shit because afterwards I thought it was just as funny as you seem to. Difference is I didn't giggle every time I heard the name.

It's A-me, Martucci said...

But beeee honest - after my initial remark, did you slam your fist down real hard on your computer desk, causing an old canister of 'protein plus' pancake mix to topple to the floor from the shelf above; then keep your forearm flexed way too long afterward? ps Nooow I'm @ Qdoba mexian grill beamin from my droid fone, who's the lozer now?? it's the battle of acceptable locationz dawg lulz

It's A-me, Martucci said...

for those a little slow on the draw, the Qdoba remark was facetious. Shit sucks, Moe's is sooo much better. Alright folks, its been a hell of a night muah

limited nobility said...

Brendan Kelly-occasionally getting wrapped up in highly questionable shit....Dude,it's,duuude it's eluuuuuuuuu

Sean said...

this is one of the most ridiculous collection of "one-uppery" I've seen in a while...



....... elude.

Blake said...

Staying on topic.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lLit4RNksV0&feature=player_embedded

(off topic - Sean, quit being so goddamned handsome. It infuriates me.)

Jesus said...

It's like you're in my house man. It was actually a bottle of 50 Gram Slam and I ripped off my cabinet doors before I straight arm-barred a midget to death, bro. Then took a shit in a driveway and blamed it on the midget or something killer like that.

Obviously wearing my Affliction shirt. Tapout isn't the only totally tool line of clothing dudes.

It's A-me, Martucci said...

Sean - was that that thing where you privately acknowledge the superiority of my remarks, but went with the neutral
'you're both lame' approach on account it's prob how big brother beex would assess the situation, even though he himself likely secretly laughed his fucking ass off at jesus' expense back during the period I described? Anyone who didnt appreciate lusting for reindeer poops may be mildly retarded, just gettin it out there. eluuuuuude

maggiejoan said...

...what is going on here...

that said, dudes with jewelry: total turnoff.

Sean said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sean said...

If we're talking about lame here, everyone that reads this thing is lame... it's a blog, dude.

And just because two people happen to have similar viewpoints with each other doesn't suggest that one is taking their stance based on the influence of the other.

Who cares what people wear? Sure, likely everyone else on this planet, I do my fair share of judging as well, but what's the point in bringing someone down because of it? I enjoy largely keeping it to myself.

It serves no purpose besides self-amusement, and if that's the main agenda at hand, perhaps the plethora of internet porn could suffice?

Sean said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sean said...

Blake-

Uhhh, thanks? haha...

You're creamy goodness would look quite handsome alongside a few of those "baseball glove" icecream bars... you know, the ones where the baseball in the mitt is ACTUALLY a gumball?



... perhaps a Choco Taco as well?

jackson said...

Man, that was alot of random, mildly aggressive take-downery, wish beex would just put up another post already so we all can move on to tearing people down because of their lame hair cuts of swollen ankles or something cool instead of their clothes. Just sayin.

It's A-me, Martucci said...

Sean - your reasoning here is ultra pragmatic, but porn simply won't suffice when I'm in the mood to crack up. Unless it's the ol standby blacksonblondes.com, what with its endearing trope of having each wanton slut exclaim to the camera with mock shame, "Sowwy daddy--I fucked a niggy stick!" - but I digress. As fate would have it Jesus' jab at 'douchebag attire', in light of his prior pic/blog title, struck me as too large a trangression to ignore without making an awkward esoteric reference to a movie that has aged quite poorly. Honestly I feel little guilt; Jesus strikes me as having a well-honed core self esteem forged from dumbell presses and the ability to differentiate Angola from Tanzania on a blank map, so I feel he'll be a-ok

It's A-me, Martucci said...

Sean I've made a heinous error - the site in question is in fact mydaughtersfuckingablackdude.com, formerly the decidedly more crude mydaughtersfuckinganigger.com...i sometimes get my interracial exploitation sites mixed up

Jesus said...

Dude you just can't stop can you? Does your ego actually prevent you from not getting the last word on everything and coming off like some smug dick always winning the keyboard warrior battle? Whoooweee. I don't even have to see your blog, this has been revealing enough. Go get em' tiger.