Thursday, October 7, 2010

no son of mine is gonna be any goddamned fisherman!!!

Man, I just had a pretty serious crisis of parenting. My kid wanted to play football on the porch, which we sometimes do, but my other kid’s asleep in the room adjacent to the porch, and getting her down was a real bitch today. Combine that with the fact that I hadn’t gotten to writing this shit yet, and well, what choice did I have? I took his football and told him to watch a little TV. I feel like a crappy dad, but hey…something’s gotta give, right? And if it’s my child’s development at the expense of me mindlessly prattling on about nothing to a bunch of anonymous strangers via the internet, hey, so be it.

Look, I see those kids who have the parents that pay a lot of attention to them. I see them at the park. The kids seem like pussies and the parents are no fun to be around. AND there’s lots and lots of proof out there that how you parent has very little to do with how your kid turns out. No, really.

Okay, here’s what I mean: you know your one friend who had every advantage but still had to work (as so not to become some spoiled pussy) and had two married and doting parents who loved and supported him and he still turned out a complete dipshit loser? Sure you do. We all know a couple of that person. Crappy or no job and perhaps a lingering drug problem or just a general sense that they’re better than you with no real empirical data to back up that claim. Now, likewise, how about the people you know who, after being friends for a while let loose with tales of their childhood that are so crazy that you’re like “wow, you know Kevin from the office? Well, we went out for a few beers last night and he told me some shit, man. Turns out his dad was a crackhead and his mom died of AIDS and he used to have to go with her to the army base where he’d hold her purse and she’d suck dicks for twenties. Right? Shit’s wild. He’s such a nice normal guy. That’s crazy!”

And there you have it. Parenting is irrelevant. As a parent this notion is at once terrifying and something you have to completely ignore, like the fact that you will someday die, and despite your beliefs, deep down, you know what happens and the answer is nothing. It’s like that. That’s why we have all sorts of bullshit that we do with our kids even though it’s not necessary, especially the shit they hate. There’s no reason to take a two year old to an activity they don’t like if the only reason you’re doing it is to ‘culture them’ or something. I’m not saying that I follow this doctrine, I’m just saying that almost anything you try to do with your kids will backfire anyway.

Look around, your dad’s a football coach, you’re a gay typist who dreams of working in the musical theater industry. Your mom’s a plus size model, you’re a dog walker. You’re into pornography and Bruce Willis films exclusively although your parents both have Pulitzers. And conversely, your dad was a raging drunk as a youth, then straightened up and gave you the best possible most nurturing upbringing, so why are you a raging drunk too? The answer is simple: We’re stuck in our genes and there’s absolutely nothing that any form of parenting or anything like that can do about it.

Now, don’t get me wrong. You can ALWAYS fuck a kid up. You can lock ‘em in the basement and make em suck dicks or beat them severely or constantly tell them they’re worthless or whatever you wanna do if you’re a horrible and depraved asshole. BUT, you’re only making them worse on the sliding scale of who they’d already be. There are people out there that survive physical and sexual abuse that grow up good and presumably those people would be good anyway. Likewise there are people who get their asses whupped one day by dudes on the street and become neo Nazis. It’s a safe bet that those people would have eventually found an event that would set them down a strange path even if they hadn’t gotten their asses kicked that particular time.

You dig? Character is ingrained (look at an adopted child or two separated brothers reunited after 20 years if you don’t believe me) and how you respond to whatever happens to you (and EVERYONE has hardships, regardless) is a result of your character, not your parents, not your circumstance. It’s all character.

Now, don’t mistake this as some sort of social Darwinism or some sweeping attempt to justify why certain groups of people have wealth and comfort while others don’t. I’m talking about individuals doing what they can with what they have. Could that kid from the ghetto have been president if he’d grown up in a different place? Maybe. But within the realm of his life experience he’s gonna do what he’s gonna do. That’s kind of what I’m saying. It doesn’t really matter if his dad plays football with him or not.

Okay, with that, I’m off to play football with my kid.

edit: And yes, I'm aware of the correlation between, for example, porn actresses and a distant or absent father, but I'd posit that the type of woman who would marry or have a kid with an absent or distant father and her genetic legacy (and the legacy of said father) plays a much larger role than the absenteeism, as many, many women who have absent or distant fathers never suck a roomful of dicks on camera. Just sayin.

21 comments:

EZB said...

i disagree... but nice attempt to get out of playing football. Lol

dustyfloors said...

I totally agree with this. This kid I went to grammar school with was an adopted child. His adoptive mother was nice little white woman who taught grammar school. Adpotive father was a large Arabic taxi driver. They divorced.
He went through the private school system in a very nice neighborhood.

He now owns a beeper/cell phone store on the South Side and updates Facebook about how his nigga Tyson took 4 shotz and tha streetz is rough. Vengenze be a biatch tho mufucka! Chicago be rough!!!

Todd said...

Steven Pinker Pinko

limited nobility said...

blarg agu fuuu fiiiii "marshmallow test" uhhhh nuuuuhh tell u whatcu neeeeed to knnnnn....nooooooooooooooo

limited nobility said...

sorry for pontificating im just quite passionate (as I adjust an imaginary bow tie adorned wif lil pink mallows)

Daniel said...

Hey guys I got a question and need your advice. This last Saturday my ex-girlfriend and I went to a frat's "pancake" party together. I was extremely intoxicated as I had been drinking heavily for the previous 2 hours before going to her dorm for some more drinks and then to the frat. We had just started talking again once we got into college and she also just broke up with her boyfriend a few weeks ago. Throughout the night we were touchy feely when we around each other, but she was also dancing with other guys too, which I have no problem with since we are just friends. Well at the end of the party, I get her away from this shady frat boy she was dancing and making out with. She comes over, grabs me and kisses me, I pull back but once again I'm really drunk and she pulls me in for another and tells me "to call more cutie." Then we leave the party going our seperate ways as I'm in no condition to walk anyone home. The next day she says she remembers everything while I say only remember parts of the night. Now I am afraid to bring the subject up, but I kind of want to clarify that it was just a drunken kiss. But I feel like I should just leave it alone as we were both kind of drunk. Also I might be falling for her again, but I just don't know. Please help!

It's A-me, Martucci said...

This last saturday my ex-girlfriend and I went to a frat's "pancake" party together. Though we came together, she proceeded to spend the majority of the time dancing and mingling with various brothers. After thorough reflection, I am left with the suspicion that I was but a pawn in a very old and simplistic psychological tactic, wherein her arrival with an unfamiliar "outside" male was intended to attract the full "standing attention" of bigger, better boys' dicks via a natural play into the alpha male territorial instinct.

--fixed

Kyle said...

Daniel, exs are exs for a reason, don't try to be friends, don't date her again. Get out there and find some new girl/guy. I've spent time 'redating' most of my exs, it's never worth it. You forget that the relationship ended for a reason!You want to get back with her because she's 'changed' she's 'different,' you just feel comfortable with her. Go out on the ledge and find someone new. If you get back with her and become complacent and break up AGAIN it will become a race to see who can find a new bf/gf first. It's lame, and it's time consuming, and you're never 'really' happy. Move on. Trust me.

Mike Collins said...

I like what Martucci said, it made me laugh.

Sickie27 said...

Daniel - What they said. Go find a girl who was destined to grow up awesome. Like me. In fact, go out and try to find a girl that's as close to me as possible because, I assure you, that one will be a keeper.

limited nobility said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
limited nobility said...

So was your ex only invited to this thing because she has unusually floopsy tits for her age or were all the "boys" done up like the demon barber from fleet street/jack white circa 09 and the gals like Wednesday?I mean,this soiree couldn't have just been centered around straight up hot cakes right!?itza me iza right...pizza pizza...biiiig fooooot...ahhh thats 2 percent better

dustyfloors said...

BK!!!!
Playing with Matt Skiba at Bottom Lounge on Black Friday?
FUCK MAN!
I'm going to be in Wisconsin with my girlfriends family celebrating stupid Thanksgiving.

I'm thinking about breaking up with her for this!
See ya tomorrow. Warning: I may be drunk and mother fuck you for playing an amazing show I won't get to see.

Felipe said...

new insight on the "wolfie" kids of San Antonio high schools:

http://www.woai.com/news/local/story/Rumored-suicide-pact-unfounded/ltJ2PsJ9KEm3Q7mgK8ylog.cspx

Daniel said...

A pancake party doesn't actually have pancakes. Just a ton of alcohol. It is a legal loop hole or something. All girls got in for free and I went because my friend is pledging there and could serve me drinks. It has also been well over a year and a half since we dated and I have seen other girls during that time. We just have so much in common. We also hung out during the week by the way if that matters. Thanks guys and gals!

It's A-me, Martucci said...

"...Ahh, yes--the "It's just alcohol" line! You see, that was the established line tossed at prying outsiders, so as to guard the sanctity of the phenomenal Dutch-caliber flapcakes being twirled and served within the sanctity of the closed fraternity house doors. Every conceivable topping you could imagine--pepperoncini, cured ham, even capers for God's sake! Sometimes it was just all too much--I'd have to stop and say "Are we eating pancakes, or pizza here??!"

"...On some of the racier nights--when the irresistable aroma of simple carbs was thickest in the night air--we'd venture deep into the adjoining woods with plate upon plate stacked high with the god-like wobbly discs...this would culminate in hedonistic pancake-fuck-frenzy campfire circles. Did I love the pancakes more than the well-fed pussy? When asked that question...I'd always gesture straight to my bulbous midsection"

--from the forthcoming Confessions of a Flapjack Mogul:
The Formative Years of Stigma Pi Founder Barnaby A. Dunlap

limited nobility said...

"thats tha Yeast funny one yet martuzziiiii dobz!"-banana125rps this time wisely just to himself while pinchin.........naaaaaaaaaaah

Blake said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Blake said...

My internet comedy has been off lately (or never on), but PLEASE keep giving this guy advice.

Blake said...

All I had was something to do with bench-pressing pancakes.

Lame

Robb said...

Blake that actually sounds like it had potential. Great imagery