Friday, October 8, 2010

classic bsc!!!

I gotta go get our soundguy for our show and load in, so there's no time for the old in-out, love. Just gotta read the meter and get moving. As such, I'm reposting a classic BSC from yesteryear. For those of you who are new to this blog, I used to be a lot better at it than I am now, but writing every day has squeezed my brain like a toothpaste tube and now only the weird pubes from the toothpaste factory workers comes out. Um....what? Anyhow, enjoy this blast from the past:

Well, I’m thankful that’s all over. It was great, but fuck man, there were dishes in my house until today…We cooked for fifteen people including a very old Englishman with his own bottle of gin, a seven month old and three guys who call themselves the Cobra Skulls. I’d say Thanksgiving was a success. Take that, Indians.
On Friday night, after work, I went with some friends to watch the Cobra Skulls play. They were absolutely great. I was really, really happy after the show and as we went next door to the adjacent bar to spend a few complimentary drink tickets I felt like the night was shaping up perfectly. Then I saw them.
On the stage in all their waterproof boots and cargo pants and dumb sweaters and five string basses and sparse, overthought goatees and floppy knitted hats and fifteen minute songs and irritating smug “jam faces” and hemp chokers and hackey sack calluses and beads and braided belts and dreadlocks and bongos and windchimes and instrumental interludes were a bunch of fucking hippies. HIPPIES! And they were jamming. This is unacceptable, man. Hippies? Now? In this fucking day and age? Haven’t you hippies gotten the Lebowskian memo? The bums lost, man. Besides, there’s just nothing threatening about being a hippy. You know who was a hippy? The guys who started Ben and Jerry’s. That’s a real rebellious and dangerous paradigm you’re forcing on everyone, BRO. Ugh. It’s enough to make me sick.
Okay, so these hippies—they were called, and I’m not kidding, Ultraviolet Hippopotamus. Did you read that shit correctly? Ultraviolet Hippopotamus!!!! ULTRAVIOLET HIPPOPOTAMUS?????????????????? FUCK, MAN!
I was pissed. I was so pissed. Here’s the thing, I’m thirty two. Phony, bullshit wealthy hippies in fancy hiking boots and jeep Cherokees and crappy jam bands are the very thing that got me angry with mainstream culture and into punk rock in the first place. When I was in highschool, the fake hippies were the dominant class. They were the athletes (oh, and they’d just wear the letter jacket and the rasta hat at the same time, like ANYONE could ever believe that shit’s acceptable) they were in the bands that played at all the functions. Hell, in my first band in highschool, we had a bona-fide hippy on the fucking guitar, complete with a poncho! They were everywhere! You couldn’t even throw together a group of dudes to start a punk/funk/pseudo stoner rock band without a hippy being in there. These were the people I vowed to never be. These fake ass hippies made me sick when their band (called Smile High, as though THAT'S somehow okay) rigged the fucking battle of the bands my sophmore year and pretty much stole the prize money from my punk/funk/pseudo stoner rock band, and then, in the same month, held me down and shaved my head with sheepshears at a hockey practice. These were the hippies of the early nineties—entitled rich bully douchebag, aggressive, dicks with a ‘hey bro, I’m just chillin, what’s your beef?’ attitude in their back pockets for when people decided to call them on their completely unacceptable bullshit.
When I started traveling, going on tour, and visiting a large collection of my friends from highschool out in Boulder, I was shocked. The hippies ran the town. Everywhere I went was some dick in two hundred dollar corduroys and a fully loaded SUV ASKING ME FOR CHANGE?!?!?! This was a new low. Now these fucks, who had more money than me were expecting me to bankroll their glass pipe/kind bud fetish? Unacceptable, man. Just unacceptable. (On a bit of a side note, in my experience, these hippies, with their crystally weed and their glass pipes and their dogs on a rope and all that, were as a general rule, SO STINGY with their weed. They were, as per my recollection, mind you, to the last, a bunch of uptight pricks who would rather look at weed [and make you smell it and comment on the ‘red hairs’ or whatever] and tell you all about how great it is and then put it back in a jar than let you try it. This is neither here nor there, just sayin.)

Okay, so that’s out of the way, and we’re back. I’m absolutely furious at Ultraviolet Hippopotamus. AND, these guys are in their early twenties? You know what that means, man? They’re still making hippy jam bands! Didn’t the death of hippy santa, the subsequent disbanding of the Dead, the slowdown and hiatus of Phish, the completely stupid name of the Stringcheese incident and the general realization that these people are a bunch of stinky dildos teach the kids anything? HOW ARE PEOPLE STILL DOING THIS? Anyway, I was through the roof, so I did what any self respecting person would do.
I booed.
I booed the shit out of this band. Over and over and over and over as loud as I possibly could. Their gross merch skank with her hairy armpits and new york slice of a bush was ‘grooving to the energy’ and giving me a dirty look at the same time, so I booed her ass too. Booo! Stupid hippies! Boo!
I guess I kind of see it as when your parents shame you when you do something ridiculously stupid. I was helping these kids out, man. I booed them mercilessly. I was trying to show them the consequences of being so recklessly unacceptable. And you know what they did? They smiled and kept jammin’ bro. How cool is that? They didn’t let the neg vibes harsh their mellow, not for a bit, bro. The groove must go on, bro. The groove must go on. Ugh.
I seriously thought their band was called Electric Rhinoceros, too, or Technicolor Rhinoceros, and that was pissing me off, until I realized that their actual name was so much worse than that. See, though, the thing about an ultraviolet hippopotamus is, he’s not visible to the naked eye. Chew on that, bro.
This is all making me very angry. Let’s just suffice it to say I don’t like hippies. And you didlos in Smile High, if you’re out there, you guys suck too, and regardless of your bullshit shenanigans that cost Gladhand (yes, I know) the BHS battle of the bands title in 92, your dumb hippy ways have only made me stronger. I don’t care how big your parents house was, or how big yours is now. I played real music in fucking Japan, Europe, Australia, Mexico and Cleveland and got paid for it, you fucking fake hippy dicks. Heh.

39 comments:

Blake said...

http://www.myspace.com/uvhippo

These bastards are from Michigan. I'm more proud of being from the land of ICP. Glad I've only heard of them from this classic post, than on my own. They must be the purple elephant (or ultraviolet hippopotamus) in the room nobody likes to talk about.

That being said, "Lay of the Cream Soda" rocks my balls off, bro.

Sean said...

This has always been one of my favorite BSC posts...

Brendan, last night you said I'd be "screaming your name all night" and I most certainly was not.




... gotta say, a little disappointed over here. THE NEW SONG WAS SICK THO!

Hamilton Martin said...

Gladhand rocks!

word ver: dicsil

casey said...

Know what I love?
When I Google 'Ultraviolet Hippopotamus,' and above the band's Facebook page, Myspace (ha) page, and actual webpage... is this post.

disastermarch said...

so i was just going to post that you are awesome for booking a show at harpers ferry in Allston MA. thats half a block from my apartment and we just got a kegerater so clearly i was stoked, since i don't plan on being sober enough to walk very far to the show.

but you rescheduled....in Cambridge? now im gonna drown in the Charles River and its all your fault...

anyways assuming i don't die cant wait, play the disaster march for me. and requiem revisited please, pretty please. i even asked nicely

chupacabrando said...

These guys are SO POPULAR in Kalamazoo, Michigan, that about once a month you have to see their stupid band name on flyers and have everyone you know asking if "you'll be at the UV Hippo show tonight."

solarsonar said...
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Sean said...

... so tonight at the AAA "Secret Show" Less Than Jake totally did that whole "man, it seems like just the other day we were rockin out at the Fireside Bowl..." thing where they reference a smaller venue in the city to try to gain "street cred" aka "punx pointz"...

It made me instantly think of you and this dumb blog... making me giggle like a schoolgirl.

Nico said...

"I played real music in fucking Japan, Europe, Australia, Mexico and Cleveland and got paid for it, you fucking fake hippy dicks. Heh."

Love this line.

SpaceJawsofDoom said...

These dudes play at the brewery by me ALL THE TIME. Thankfully I haven't ever seen them, but my old bandmate has had to run sound for them on several occasions. I hear they are just fucking atrocious. And gross. Yeah, just awful.

Bridgett said...

Mr Kelly: Thank you for accepting my song request. (I'm going to let myself think that you only played it because I asked for it.) More importantly, my boyfriend really REALLY thanks you. The show was pretty excellent, and I enjoyed the dongs of war shout out.

Julene Horowitz said...

As someone who grew up in Denver (not far from Boulder) I have to tell you... not much has changed. Stingiest weed-smokers alive, though they'll gladly spend all day telling you about their friend that cross-bred AK-47 with Blueberry so as to best bring out both the taste of the nug accentuated with a fruity undertone.

Hippies. BLECH!

dustyfloors said...

"Like a Record Player" shout out was the highlight for me.
Awesome show!!!

It's A-me, Martucci said...

But cmon seeeean, what band that has gotten bigger than they once were doesn't do that shit? Shiiiiit I bet even 7dust does that shit when they play a show in ATL. 7duuuust lmao

Julie does your ostensible abhorrance for hippies stem largely from your having dated one that treated you like complete dogshit before you traded out -py for -ster in May '05?

It's A-me, Martucci said...

now dont get me wrong Julie, I know this guy def occupied the highest tier in his niche. First dibs on all the elite blends, could get a hook up on Thai takeout any night Ken was working, inexplicably low body fat percentage, could make a Dragon-pattern silk robe really work for him etc etc. Just awful but makin shit work for himself 24/7

Sean said...

well, I guess someone has to be the elephant in the drawer...


... oh, wait.

TheMEATBOSS said...
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OPKOPete said...

I'm sure some of you have heard about this:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2010/oct/09/insane-clown-posse-christians-god

TheMEATBOSS said...

Brendan Bro, not that you have the time but I posted my riot fest experience here. It was terrible man. The people working that thing were dicks to me.

http://themeatboss.blogspot.com/2010/10/not-so-quiet-riot-fest.html

FranklinStein said...

having gone to school in Austin, I share the same sentiment of neo-hippys. seeing you boo those assholes would give me such a huge boner, bro...

Seagull Steve said...

For the record, I think I prefer the BK version of Kiss The Bottle over the Lucero one. Their version is just too frakking upbeat. Mandolin? Come on.

Scott said...

barrington fucking high school.

did you take woodshop? That was my dad.

Moxie. said...
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maggiejoan said...

i really REALLY like the BK version of Kiss The Bottle.

It's A-me, Martucci said...
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It's A-me, Martucci said...

Sean - I see whatcha did but that retort was contextual nonsense. Had I somehow suggested that you are 'the elephant in the drawer', your facetious admittance to such (read: I'M actually the elephant!) would make perfect sense. But, seeing as I said something entirely different, no. You should prob just laugh along at the cheap swipe I took at pretentious-ass Julene and enjoy a spearmint gum of your choosing. I want your adams apple as a friend, not foe!

Sean said...

I would enjoy this hypothetical gum had i meant for my statement to be perceived as some sort of a confession.

But, seeing as I said something entirely different, no.

Perhaps it is you that should be enjoying a spearmint gum of your choosing, eh?

(When you said adams apple, for some reason my mind jumped to adam from the cobra skulls eating an apple...)

Sean said...

Oh, and i agree with dustyfloors... the dogs of war reference made my night!

And speaking of dustyfloors... i have yet to meet this "fabled super-hot girlfriend" of yours... from what you/fellow socks have said, shes quite the looker...

Were u guys both there? The only sock i ran into was candice, whom i didnt even realize at first heh

limited nobility said...
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limited nobility said...

julene's daily booth thingy(ya know ya done checked it out)puts the irk in smirk.wuz that statement tautologous?sean,did you think that the "likeness to atoms colliding" lyric in the skulls tune timing was about adam's bout with colitis before referring to the lyric sheet?I kinda did

Sickie27 said...

This blog entry reminds me of the time when I knew who all the people posting in the OG Sock Drawer were. Who are you people?!

Sean said...

limited nobility -

how the hell did you know?!

GET OUT OF MY BRAIN!

Sean said...

Sickie -

I know how you feel... remember the days BEFORE this was even known as the sock drawer?

... twas a dark and non-crusty time.

Sean said...

I just realized I pulled a "hey, remember when we used to play at the Fireside!" type of statement with that last post.

... But at least I caught myself, uh... right?

Virtual Visor (Mesmerizer) said...

Sickie, your "who are you people/I'm a sock drawer OG" statements tickle the funny bones of myself and at least one other individual for reasons that, while you're not privy to, could be ascertained with a relatively small amount of critical thinking. Btw have you seen Andrzej Zulawski's 1972 political allegory "The Devil"? I believe it was his first film in which he employed what would become his bizarre trademark recurring motif of having the actors twirl around and around in a frenzy, as though possessed.

The sock drawer has evolved into Everlast's solo career.

Sean said...

... no dreamscape was used this time, huh?

Toto said...

Hi, everybody!

Sickie27 said...

Sean - Oh yes I do. Those were simpler, jizz free times. And I don't miss it!

guidrysam said...

i am in ultraviolet hippopotamus, and i found the bsc years ago and have gotten a laugh everytime i come across it. Sorry if we didnt share our "crystally weed" with you though. keep up the good fight